Moms and Maids

Mother-in-law drama

My mother-in-law was so nice until we got engaged. First when we called to tell her we were engaged, no congratulations. All she said was you have a lot of planning to do now. Then we set a date for June and after finalizing everything I show her the save the dates and she tells me I have to change the date. Since she has hounded us to change it to September because June is just too soon for them and they need time. And that we need to just wait. I don't know we've waited several years to even get engaged, we just want to be married now. The date just seemed to work for us.

So tomorrow I am going dress shopping and invited her thinking oh this will be nice she will feel involved. Now I'm terrified she will ruin my day by telling myself along with my mother and best friends, how my fiance and I need to change our date! She is really starting to become a broken record....


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Re: Mother-in-law drama

  • edited December 2011
    Who is paying for this wedding?  If they are putting up some money for it, maybe that's where the concern over the date is coming from?  If not, I would have your FI ask her why it's too soon.

    Don't bring up the date tomorrow.  Chances are she'll keep her mouth shut on the subject rather than bring it up around people who aren't going to take her side.
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  • edited December 2011
    FI and I are paying for the wedding. I'm hoping she will not say anything. But she was bold enough to tell me straight up in front of my fiance, I believe she is bold enough to say whatever in public. I'm just really disappointed she isn't more supportive...
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  • edited December 2011
    you FI needs to step up and say something to her

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:03deaa3b-baed-46bb-aaa4-503c03b75f57Post:299531d6-48ef-47b8-b53a-9c1eff0c2925">Re: Mother-in-law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI and I are paying for the wedding. I'm hoping she will not say anything. But she was bold enough to tell me straight up in front of my fiance, I believe she is bold enough to say whatever in public. I'm just really disappointed she isn't more supportive...
    Posted by novelblessings[/QUOTE]


    Your FI is her son.  She's probably a lot more comfortable saying things in front of him than in front of, say, your mom.

    But really, I agree with PP.  Your FI needs to get involved here.  It's his family, his fight.
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  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she's not paying then what on earth does she need time for?

    I'd say just don't bring up the date. Maybe let your Mom/friends know that if she does to just politely say, "That's Novel and FI's decision" and change the topic.

    And get FI to tell her that the two of you have chosen a date, and that's that. Esp if you've booked vendors, then she really needs to step back.

    Unless there is something that you haven't shared about what she might need time for.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yea I have asked FI last night after a rant from his mom, to tell her to stop. He doesn't mind because I guess "she is just like this", so he ignores her. I am going to talk to him today after work to see if he has since talked to her about the comments.

    I really don't understand it and I don't have an explanation for why she is so insistent that it be in September. It doesn't make any sense to me....
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  • edited December 2011
    My mother in law is the exact same way. I asked her to come with my mom and me to look at some dresses and she says that she doesnt have any money to spend and that she doesnt have time. I told her that no one was spending money we were just looking and trying on. Now i asked her last week to come to this day of pampering that I won at a local spa and she just gave some dumb line about she needed to clean her house or whatever. And heaven for bid you ask her to ehlp with anything that is wedding becuase she want. She hasnt offered to do any thing or even to address one save the date. i am getting so aggrvated i just dont know what to do....i rented the movie Monster In Law with Jennifer lopez and gave it to her...(maybe she will get the hint) She thinks that my parents should be the ones that pay for everything just because my mom is a nurse and my dad works at a big plant. She is a secretary and her husband paints for a living. I am not even having a expensive wedding and she is making me feel so awful to the point that i am thinking about just going to the court house and get married so she donse'nt have to be there at all!
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:03deaa3b-baed-46bb-aaa4-503c03b75f57Post:80e9a5af-8536-4ed3-9382-a77b0522690e">Re: Mother-in-law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Yea I have asked FI last night after a rant from his mom, to tell her to stop. He doesn't mind because I guess "she is just like this", so he ignores her.</strong> I am going to talk to him today after work to see if he has since talked to her about the comments. I really don't understand it and I don't have an explanation for why she is so insistent that it be in September. It doesn't make any sense to me....
    Posted by novelblessings[/QUOTE]

    I hope you're prepared for a lifetime of your FH never sticking up for you.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:03deaa3b-baed-46bb-aaa4-503c03b75f57Post:3970655c-181e-4317-a16e-87c79815d897">Re: Mother-in-law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law drama : I hope you're prepared for a lifetime of your FH never sticking up for you.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Wow. Don't know what to say to that besides he is a great guy and he does stick up for me.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:03deaa3b-baed-46bb-aaa4-503c03b75f57Post:d3a35b96-24f2-4cfa-8265-cedcef4cdcc9">Re: Mother-in-law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother-in-law drama : Wow. Don't know what to say to that besides he is a great guy and he does stick up for me.
    Posted by novelblessings[/QUOTE]
    If he's ignoring her when she's doing things that obviously trouble you, he's not sticking up for you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I guess what I was trying to say is he ignores her in general when she is "like this". So his first reaction is to not do anything. So after she went on last night about things, I told him I really needed him to have an conversation with her and tell her she needed to stop it. (This was all over the phone). So I don't know if he has talked to her since and told her to stop.


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  • edited December 2011

    I absolutely understand what you are saying I have the same problems with my in laws....  My FMIL told the rest of the family we weren't keeping her involved with wedding planning.... meanwhile we had invited her several times to come look at venues taste food and she had some lame ass excuse every time.  And then my fiance's sisters went on the attack with us and how we were "treating" their mother. My fiance did challenge them when and he even spoke to his mother.

    We settled on our venue, settled on the menu and then she started adding courses to our meal.  When we told her we couldn't afford her extra course so they would not be added (and we didn't like what she was adding) she started cutting up our guest list so that we could afford the food she wants at our wedding. She told me she doesn't think my colour scheme is very nice for a wedding. I just responded with well I think it's perfect for the fall.

      I don't expect his parents to give us any money because his mother is always complaining she is broke.But she also has tons to say about what we should be doing or what she wants.  My parents on the other hand who are paying for aspects of the wedding don't say anything, it's whatever we want.

    On top of that my future sister in laws have been a de-light as well....  they have challenged me all along the way.  They are only in the wedding because my fiance wanted them involved.  One sister in particular is particularily difficult, and it bugs me. It really gets under my skin sometimes.  I was in the same situation when we were going dress shopping because I thought they would make an issue of it, but they were out numbered by my support group to the three of them.  So I would be surprised if your FMIL said anything.  Saying something in front of her son is one thing because it's her family plus she may have thought your fiance would agree with her or knew he wouldn't challenge her.

    I understand what you mean about your fiance as well. My fiance does stand up for me to his problematic sisters and to his mother when necessary. But at the same time he is used to the behaviour but he understands why I get upset because I am not used to such behaviour especially from people who are family.  So he can easily ignore her behaviour but he knows when I need him to step in for me.  And is also showing me how I need to not let them bother me because they are looking for the reaction.

    Just know there are people out there that know where you are coming from. Stay strong and as long as you have good communication with your fiance you will do okay. :)  Stick together.

  • sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I guess what I was trying to say is he ignores her in general when she is "like this".

     This is kind of a red flag for being more of a FI problem then a MIL problem.  I mean what is your FI going to do when you guys have children and she causes issues ? Just ignore her and have you  'fight all the battles' ?   I think you and your FI need to be on the same page for this situation.  I dont mean this to be mean or rude. Its just I had to deal with a MIL issues that started that way and now we ( FI , I and my SS) do not associate with her/ his family. It won't get any better if your FI doesn't 'grow a back bone ' with her.
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  • Meganr22Meganr22 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I have no other issue with my FMIL other than she is very uninvolved.  I have tried to include her in things, only to get excuse after excuse.  FI's sister has told me over and over that she's a bad mother and always has been, I guess I just never wanted to believe it because mine has always been so good.  She never has any interest in seeing her family or her grandchildren.  Her excuse is always "she has to work."  You can ask her something a month before hand and her immediate answer is always "she has to work"  I learned that she is not going to change and be a better mother to her son or her other children just because I want her to.  And guess what? She is not coming to our wedding either because "she has to work."  She has missed seeing her other two children get married as well.  She is retired and took this job just for a job to get her out of the house some, and only works 4 hours a day two days a week, every once in a while three.  If I had even a dime for the amount of times I have heard that excuse out of her mouth I would not be having a budget wedding, that's for sure.  These women have been the way they are their whole lives, and their families have left them get away with it.  They are not going to change their ways because we come along and want them to.  I know it can be quite a shock when we find that other families operate so much differently than our own.  I was sad about it for a long time, especially by how I see her treating her grandchildren.  I have accepted the fact that when we have our own children that at least they will have one good and involved grandmother. 

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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-law-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:03deaa3b-baed-46bb-aaa4-503c03b75f57Post:3ef42915-ff57-4913-9971-9ed881824035">Re: Mother-in-law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess what I was trying to say is he ignores her in general when she is "like this".  This is kind of a red flag for being more of a FI problem then a MIL problem.  I mean what is your FI going to do when you guys have children and she causes issues ? Just ignore her and have you  'fight all the battles' ?   I think you and your FI need to be on the same page for this situation.  I dont mean this to be mean or rude. Its just I had to deal with a MIL issues that started that way and now we ( FI , I and my SS) do not associate with her/ his family. It won't get any better if your FI doesn't 'grow a back bone ' with her.
    Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]
    I'll ditto this.  Look, my MIL is insane.  As in, has been committed more than once.  She's a pain in the ass to say the least.  But DH has largely cut ties with her, and takes the lead in all interactions with her, so I'm never left to deal with her on my own.  If he were expecting her to be a major part of our lives AND to just ignore her and let me handle it when she goes off the deep end, marriage would never have even been on the table.

    Getting married is forever.  This issue will not go away.  Unless you can get your FI to realize that he can't just ignore the problem, you're going to be dealing with this for the rest of your life.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited December 2011
    Ok update on this:

    I don't have an issues with my FI not sticking up for me. I have to say he has been fighting the good fight for me with this date. We almost had to change it last minute before we booked the venue bc of a conflict and he straight out told his mom ok this will be the date. He also told her that he didn't want to wait until September. He has told her if we could get married today he would, so the date is what it is.

    Anyways we resolved our conflict and ended up booking for our original June date and save the dates are out! With some digging this weekend, we found out the real reason behind the resistance from the mother in law. She is overweight and is having a hard time with the fact she will not loose enough weight in time for the wedding. She just didn't want to say anything.

    Issue resolved but we did hand her the save the date yesterday and she said ok this is in September right? I'm so over it now, date is set and she is more than happy to help us plan. So glad we know the scoop of why she doesn't like it now.....
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh and my mother in law is not insane by any means. His family is great and very helpful!!  It was just very stressful when figuring this date thing out for her to be bugging us to make it in September instead of when we wanted it to be.
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