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Wedding is hurting relationship with mom.

My mom and I have never been terribly close. When FI and I got engaged, she was very excited. We went dress, flower and venue shopping. All was well.

Our family then had some issues with the guest list. My parents are paying for a generous portion the wedding (and refuse to let me refuse their money - long story) and we agreed that each of us (my parents, FI's parents, and FI/me) would each get 1/3 of the guest list. They exceeded their third and omitted SOs of all non-married relatives and in the end, after a lot of heated arguing, they agreed to invite SOs, cut out a few people (after calling everyone to ask if they could come, which I learned AFTER they'd already done it... sigh), and I cut some of my friends off my list to invite some of my parents' friends. But getting to that point was not pretty, because my parents firmly believe that "blood is thicker than water", and we don't see eye to eye there.

Ever since, my mom has backed off from wedding things. It's basically back to how it was pre-engagement. I call my parents once a week or so, and when I'd start talking about invitations or flowers or something, she would change the subject. So then I started talking to FMIL, who has been so sweet and supportive, wants to know about everything wedding-related (FI is her first child to marry) and has asked over and over to be involved (she asked to help me put together my STDs, and has now sweetly told me that she'll drive down to visit us to help me put together invitations and anything else I need help with for a weekend or two).

Now my mom's feelings are hurt that I stopped talking to her about the wedding when she started backing away. Lately, she's been texting me pictures of dresses inappropriate for the MOB, to which I've replied, "Wear whatever you're comfortable in." My dad's saying that I should be the one to call her to talk weddings, but I thought it was sort of a "thing" that a bride shouldn't gush about her wedding unless someone asks her about it. 

Obviously this post isn't just about wedding things, it's also about a mother-daughter relationship that goes beyond invitations and cakes. But I'm wondering if any of you can give me insight on how to best handle this particular wedding situation with grace. Sorry for the novel.

Re: Wedding is hurting relationship with mom.

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    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moms-silent-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:04358b06-f19f-4445-a1c3-514d43d61a97Post:87e96772-0d6a-4664-8597-ae6bc4cdc656">Wedding is hurting relationship with mom.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom and I have never been terribly close. When FI and I got engaged, she was very excited. We went dress, flower and venue shopping. All was well. Our family then had some issues with the guest list. My parents are paying for a generous portion the wedding (and refuse to let me refuse their money - long story) and we agreed that each of us (my parents, FI's parents, and FI/me) would each get 1/3 of the guest list. They exceeded their third and omitted SOs of all non-married relatives and in the end, after a lot of heated arguing, they agreed to invite SOs, cut out a few people (after calling everyone to ask if they could come, which I learned AFTER they'd already done it... sigh), and I cut some of my friends off my list to invite some of my parents' friends. But getting to that point was not pretty, because my parents firmly believe that "blood is thicker than water", and we don't see eye to eye there. Ever since, my mom has backed off from wedding things. It's basically back to how it was pre-engagement. I call my parents once a week or so, and when I'd start talking about invitations or flowers or something, she would change the subject. So then I started talking to FMIL, who has been so sweet and supportive, wants to know about everything wedding-related (FI is her first child to marry) and has asked over and over to be involved (she asked to help me put together my STDs, and has now sweetly told me that she'll drive down to visit us to help me put together invitations and anything else I need help with for a weekend or two). <strong>Now my mom's feelings are hurt that I stopped talking to her about the wedding when she started backing away. Lately, she's been texting me pictures of dressed inappropriate for the MOB, to which I've replied, "Wear whatever you're comfortable in." My dad's saying that I should be the one to call her to talk weddings</strong>, but I thought it was sort of a "thing" that a bride shouldn't gush about her wedding unless someone asks her about it.  Obviously this post isn't just about wedding things, it's also about a mother-daughter relationship that goes beyond invitations and cakes. But I'm wondering if any of you can give me insight on how to best handle this particular wedding situation with grace. Sorry for the novel.
    Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

    Try to reach out to your mom more than once a week just like your Dad suggested. Offer to take her dress shopping and make a day of it. Does she live close by?
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    Unfortunately weddings bring out the absolute worst drama queen in people.  I have no idea why, or how, but it definitely does happen.

    If it was me personally, I'd be hurt, but want to hold onto a good relationship after the wedding (things will return to normal after, I promise).  I would send an occasional e-mail with ideas that I didn't really have much emotional investment in, and let her play with that.

    My own mother went  a little odd on me too for my wedding.  Completely withdrawn until she saw something she could do a drive-by criticism of.  It was confusing, hurtful, and irritating in the extreme.  I blew off steam by re-arranging the guest seating chart every time she did it so that she was seated next to the most obnoxious person in the room all night (I'd always undo it, but it really was fun at the time).

    She's normal now, and everything's fine.

    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

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    I admit, when people try to use "blood is thicker than water" to get what they want, my first reaction is to answer back I agree, since that saying actually is meant to mean the exact opposite of how people use it (meant to be the blood of battle is thicker than the water of birth i.e. those you fight along side are more important to you than your natural-born family).

    But anyway, yeah, try bringing it up once or twice with her again. If she still doesn't seem interested, tell your dad you tried and he should back off.
    photo a826c490-726a-4824-af5c-d938878de228_zpseb85bb5a.jpg
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    I'm going through something similar with my mom.  Like Pele said above me, weddings bring out the worst drama queen in people.  I also believe weddings bring out the truth in people, and relationships are exposed for what they really are.  That's what I'm experiencing.

    My advice?  Try to make it work, at least up until the wedding.  Be as polite as possible, try and include your mother as much as possible and don't take the things your dady says too personally.  Believe me, he lives with your mom 24/7.  Its easy for him to really only see one side to things.

    Maybe after the wedding try to get to the root of the issues.  Clearly there's something going on there.
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