Mom issues..... XP

cbratthauer

So first let me say that while I love my mom dearly, we have never been very close. She has constant mood swings and it's like walking on eggshells talking to her. She left my dad a year ago and now even her family is starting to see these mood swings and have told me that now they see where I have been coming from these past 13 years (I really started noticing it when I was about 12). I live in Iowa (my family included). After the divorce my mom decided she was going to pack up and move to Alabama just because. It was one of those nobody knew what to say, because if we told her we were happy for her she thought we didn't care if she left and if we told her we wanted her to stay she thought we didn't want her to be happy....

So a month after she moved, I got engaged. This upset her because now she's so far away so there was a huge thing about that. Well I have been planning the wedding basically alone (with the help of my fiance of course). It kind of sucks not having my mom here to help and share in the excitement and sometimes it really depresses me. At the same time, sometimes I'm relieved because I think it would end up in fights and stressful if she were here helping, which then makes me feel HORRIBLE for feeling this way!

Lately I've been trying to get as much done as I can right now so I don't have to cram it all in right before the wedding. Like I bought some of the favors (probably not all that I'll need but a good majority) so I can get started on them, and I got them all done. Things like this, that I am able to do now to get out of the way. She always asks me how the wedding plans are coming so I will tell her. Well she cries and gets all upset because she is coming the week before the wedding and thought we could do all of those things that week. I try to explain to her there will be plenty to do when she is here and that I just want to get as much done now as possible so there is less stress/trying to get stuff done the week before, and I was hoping the week before her and I could just relax and spend mother/daughter time together. Then she gets upset saying she wishes somebody would have stopped her from moving and maybe if she knew we cared about her she would have stayed...

I know people on here will say "just don't talk to her about the wedding". Tried it. If I don't talk to her about the wedding then I don't care and don't want her involved. Her and my dad are splitting the cost of the wedding. She once told me she could order the favors I wanted and have them shipped to me, so I said ok! She really wanted to do something and said that was something she could do. Then my dad calls me saying Mom called him crying because she doesn't have the money to pay for anything and to stop asking her to do things and just go to him. We have been helping out financially as much as we can because I don't want my dad paying for everything, so right now it's us and my dad splitting costs which is fine. I'm just frustrated because I don't know what to do to make my mom understand that I want her to be involved I just don't know how right now with the distance.

Ok I know that was long, sorry, I just needed to vent!

MairePoppy

Well, I hope you feel better after venting : )

The advice not to discuss the wedding with your mom doesn't apply if she is paying. I think you are doing the best you can to include her. You should ask her if she enjoys the updates on the planning or if they make her feel worse. If possible, she should use part of that money she is contributing  to fund a trip to Iowa to go wedding dress shopping. To me, an MOB, that would be the one thing I wouldn't want to miss.

Your situation is not that unusual. There are plenty of long distance moms wishing they could be more involved with the wedding planning.

Good luck.

cbratthauer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issues-xp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0a4ff9cc-ec83-4adf-afb7-97d59f83cf4ePost:574be92d-f8aa-4b05-86d4-3d2342202e9b">Re: Mom issues..... XP</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I hope you feel better after venting : ) The advice not to discuss the wedding with your mom doesn't apply if she is paying. I think you are doing the best you can to include her. You should ask her if she enjoys the updates on the planning or if they make her feel worse. If possible, she should use part of that money she is contributing  to fund a trip to Iowa to go wedding dress shopping. To me, an MOB, that would be the one thing I wouldn't want to miss. Your situation is not that unusual. There are plenty of long distance moms wishing they could be more involved with the wedding planning. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

She did come up in December and went wedding dress shopping with me. I even surprised her and bought a plane ticket so I could fly down there in March and go shopping for her dress. I'm doing everything I can think of but none of it seems to be enough

LoveMuffins

It sounds like she's one of those people that's impossible to please... so I would just stop expecting that you're going to be able to. No matter what you do it's going to be wrong, and so the best you can do is choose the road that makes YOU feel like you're doing the right thing so that you know no matter how she feels, you did the best you could.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist, because what she's doing is emotionally abusive. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and an emotionally abusive friendship, and it's very hard to see sometimes that there is nothing you can do to fix it, you can only do what's right for yourself. Therapy helped me a LOT and i highly recommend it for dealing with people like your mom, who don't even realize what they're doing to you.

cbratthauer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issues-xp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0a4ff9cc-ec83-4adf-afb7-97d59f83cf4ePost:6e0d8598-0918-4b91-a251-69f0247959b4">Re: Mom issues..... XP</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like she's one of those people that's impossible to please... so I would just stop expecting that you're going to be able to. No matter what you do it's going to be wrong, and so the best you can do is choose the road that makes YOU feel like you're doing the right thing so that you know no matter how she feels, you did the best you could. I would also suggest seeing a therapist, because what she's doing is emotionally abusive. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and an emotionally abusive friendship, and it's very hard to see sometimes that there is nothing you can do to fix it, you can only do what's right for yourself. Therapy helped me a LOT and i highly recommend it for dealing with people like your mom, who don't even realize what they're doing to you.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I did see a therapist right after the divorce because it got much worse then. I get so many free sessions for free through work so I took advantage of it, but my insurance doesn't cover it and unfortunately I don't make enough to afford it, but I make too much to get help. As far as how I deal with it it has gotten better since the therapy sessions, but right now with the wedding stuff I think it's getting worse again

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-issues-xp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0a4ff9cc-ec83-4adf-afb7-97d59f83cf4ePost:f8c83611-9bd3-4487-9a85-47658dc4e9d1">Re: Mom issues..... XP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom issues..... XP : She did come up in December and went wedding dress shopping with me. I even surprised her and bought a plane ticket so I could fly down there in March and go shopping for her dress. I'm doing everything I can think of but none of it seems to be enough
Posted by cbratthauer[/QUOTE]

You sound like a wonderful daughter. Your mom moved away and not being able to be hands on with your wedding is a natural consequence of that. I don't think you can do more than you are already doing to include her. Keep her up to date with the plans and remind her that you will have some special time together when she comes back for the wedding.