Moms and Maids

SIL hates me but his parents expect her to be a BM

My fiance is a wonderful, intelligent, creative and caring man. His younger sister (who is my age) is an inconsiderate, selfish and rude whore. An understatement of the century. All throughout middle/high school we have never been close. In fact, multiple times we have gotten into verbal fights.

Now just the thought of her annoys me. The fact that she is very neglectful to her son (still waiting on the report on which of the FIVE men is the father!) in addition to having failed out of college with no desire to get a job, let alone get off of her parents' couch, drives me into a frenzy.

His parents are very sweet, well-meaning people. However they are complete doormats. Not once have they ever told her, or even asked her, for things like "please go back to school," "stop drinking beer during your pregnancy" or "we cannot watch your son tonight while you go out and get stoned."

My 16 year old brother is going to be one of my fiance's groomsmen. I do understand that the wedding party is for those very close to you. My fiance and my brother are not VERY close. However they get along incredibly well and have many things in common. I do believe that if there was not a 9 year difference, they would be much closer.

I have never been close to his sister. I know she hates me and many times in high school she resorted to writing nasty things about me online. 

His parents expect me to have her as a bridesmaid. While I understand that it seems like a logical decision, since my brother will be a groomsman, I do not want her to be a part of the wedding party at all. 

She is a horribly mean girl and I do not think it is fair of them to expect me to choose her as a bridesmaid.

However, I'm sure they are already upset over the fact that we have decided to have a Greek Orthodox wedding over a Presbyterian wedding (note: his father works for the church!)

What do I do? I have not "officially" chosen my bridesmaids yet, but I feel as if they are waiting for me to "pop the question." 

More importantly, what do I say when they ask why she wasn't chosen?

Re: SIL hates me but his parents expect her to be a BM

  • Have your brother stand on your side and let her stand on FI's side if he wants her there.
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  • I LOVE how your criticism of her is that she used to write nasty stuff about you online. Love it.
  • She should not stand on your side (period)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sil-hates-me-but-his-parents-expect-her-to-be-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0bddde01-6e4b-40c7-9c47-0af393d97e76Post:59f5759e-0baf-472f-899f-c41ad487f494">Re:SIL hates me but his parents expect her to be a BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]I LOVE how your criticism of her is that she used to write nasty stuff about you online. Love it.
    Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

    HAH I just noticed the irony. I know what you mean. I mean at least I took the time out to keep her anonymous. I don't exactly plan on posting her full name and photoshopped pictures of her doing something stupid or whatever. I'm not the paparazzi!! 
  • I stopped reading when you called her a whore. You need a reality check. No she doesn't need to be a BM, but you're certainly not making things better. 
  • Aks3131Aks3131 member
    100 Comments
    Don't have her as a BM. If your FI wants her in the bridal party she can stand on his side. Problem solved.
  • You're not close and don't get along - it should have ended there. Judging her just reflects badly on you. 

    I agree with the rest of the ladies, have her stand for your  fiance's side. But be prepared for them to say, well your brother is standing for your fiance's side...
  • I ran in to a simliar issue.  My FMIL wanted my FH sister to be in the wedding party.  I am not close with her, and my sisters were going to be my bridesmaids as I am very close to them.  My FH really didn't feel that close to his sister either but he agreed to have his sister stand on the grooms side to make mom happy. 

    We have run in to quite a few issues however, and I guess it is true what they say - give and inch and they'll take a mile.  Now my FSIL has to get the same gifts as my BM's and wear the same outfit, and get ready with us, and have her hair done with us, even come to my bachelorette party,  etc.  Basically, she is a bridesmaid.

    I have tried my best to simply ignore it, take the high road and just know that no matter who is up there on the day of, I still get to marry my FH.
  • I feel your pain.  The etiquette board here advised that I just ignore the issue- She DOESN'T have to be a BM just because she's family.  So I ignored the issue, and whenver my FSIL asked about who was a BM or MOH, I told her who and left it at that.

    A month ago, FSIL starts complaining that it's not fair, blah blah blah.  I posted a really mean, Passive/Aggressive response on facebook, that FSIL did NOT see, about WHY my girls were choosen over her.  At any rate, FI and I both think his sister is being silly, and it didn't matter MUCH to us, so we let her be in it.  So now, I'm stuck with her as a BM when really, I don't want to see her there at all.  She's irresponsible and has done both of us wrong in the past.  BUT.......... I'm pretty sure FMIL is happy, and since I LIKE my FMIL, I can deal.

    Pick your battles.  If this is going to be something you REALLLLY want to fight for, do so nicely, firmly, and most of all- Do NOT post anything mean anywhere she could see it.  It will come back to bite you in the booty.

    Good luck, OP!!!  PM me if you want!

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