MOH/SIL major problems!

goal2007

5 months ago when I asked my future SIL and friend to be my MOH I thought it would bring us closer (plus, she is one of the most organized people I know). Turns out I was wrong. She has caused one headache after another. She has planned nothing- my MIL has been planning my bridal shower. She has contacted none of my other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning a bacherlorette party. She made one of my bridesmaids cry during our dress shopping trip making comments such as "Oh you dont need to order extra fabric for me but you are definitely going to need to order more for her.." and she fought with me over the bridesmaids dress I picked. The dress cost 130 bucks and she bitched that I wouldn't let her buy the sample dress so she could save some money ($13 is all she would have saved). I'm sorry, I am spending $2000 on photography; she can pay an extra $13 to ensure everyone matches. Now the situation has gone over the edge. She has turned my in-laws against me by insisting that I don't like her boyfriend and am thus breaking up their family. I am so ridiculously confused and outraged. I have tried to go the extra mile to make everyone happy for the sake of my FI but I have hit my limit. Any advice? I know there's not a whole lot I can do, I just needed to vent a little.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:5a40d012-ab62-451e-9e64-fb1a8ea5022e">MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]5 months ago when I asked my future SIL and friend to be my MOH I thought it would bring us closer (plus, she is one of the most organized people I know). Turns out I was wrong. She has caused one headache after another. She has planned nothing- my MIL has been planning my bridal shower. She has contacted none of my other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning a bacherlorette party. She made one of my bridesmaids cry during our dress shopping trip making comments such as "Oh you dont need to order extra fabric for me but you are definitely going to need to order more for her.." and she fought with me over the bridesmaids dress I picked. The dress cost 130 bucks and she bitched that I wouldn't let her buy the sample dress so she could save some money ($13 is all she would have saved). I'm sorry, I am spending $2000 on photography; she can pay an extra $13 to ensure everyone matches. Now the situation has gone over the edge. She has turned my in-laws against me by insisting that I don't like her boyfriend and am thus breaking up their family. I am so ridiculously confused and outraged. I have tried to go the extra mile to make everyone happy for the sake of my FI but I have hit my limit. Any advice? I know there's not a whole lot I can do, I just needed to vent a little.
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]

Your starting premise was all wrong, and that's why you're having the problems that you're having now.

Incorrect premise #1:  That having someone as a MOH would bring you closer.  Obviously, you've learned that that's wrong.

And incorrect premise #2 is that you have, unfortunately, been sucked in by the clever marketers of the wedding industry who have come up with foolishness about what a WP is all about.

So here's the answer that I give to this question every time it is asked:  which is about daily, by the way.


<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color:windowtext;"> Then I'm going to ask you to scroll down this board and read all the posts that ask the exact same question and then stroll on over to the WP board and read all the responses to the posts that also ask this very question.  And no, your situation is not any different than any of the others.

Put down the wedding magazines.  Turn off the wedding tv shows.  Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites.  Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble.  Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

Here's the reality:  the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony.  That's it.  Lock, stock, and barrel.  They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures.  Done and done.

Here's what they DON'T have to do:  help plan and/or execute your wedding.  That includes:  They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake.  They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping .  They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs. 

They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags.  They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around.  They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons.  They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI). 

Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out of the WP and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics.

Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about.  You'll be happier.  So will your friends.

My last piece of advice:  Print out the following words:  "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL."  Because it's true.  it will also keep you on a smooth path.

</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><font color="#000000">Now:  about the dress:  if you didn't ask her budget up front, she has every reason in the world to be dismayed over spending $130 on a dress she'll never wear again.</font></p><p class="MsoNormal"><font color="#000000">
</font></p><p class="MsoNormal"><font color="#000000">I think it's incredibly presumptuous of you to say that you're spending 2K on photos (YOUR decision) so she can "suck it up".</font></p><font color="#000000">
Someone in this whole scenario has been out of line.  And here's a hint for you:  it's not your FSIL.

If I were you, I'd apologize profusely.  I'd tell her that I had clearly caught a fairly serious case of the "wedding crazies", but that medication had helped, and you're slowly recovering.  And I'd mean it.
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<span style="color:windowtext;"></span></p>

goal2007

Wow, I think your response was way out of line. Maybe I did expect too much of my MOH by expecting her to be a part of my wedding in a positive way. Maybe I did expect too much in expecting her to be supportive. Maybe I did expect to much in expecting that she be respectful of the other girls in my party. Maybe I also expected too much in thinking that this was a supportive online community of brides. I apologize that you took my short post in such a negative way. You don't know me and have no right in judging me. I think that you are the one who owes an apology.

jagore08

Actually, what Trix said was pretty dead on.  It may have been more blunt than what you had expected but it's good advice.  

No, your FSIL should have never said what she did at the salon.  She was completely out of line.  How old is she?  She sounds a bit childish but if she's young then you should expect it.  

As for the dress.  Was it the same color and style that you wanted?  Was it torn or something that a good dry cleaning couldn't fix?  Maybe you should have let that one slide since she is the one paying for it.  If the $13 was such a big deal then you could have offered to pay the difference so you both got what you wanted.

AutumnFair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:ba933cec-5a2c-463b-8cb3-9df9ef3c8317">Re: MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I think your response was way out of line. Maybe I did expect too much of my MOH by expecting her to be a part of my wedding in a positive way. Maybe I did expect too much in expecting her to be supportive. Maybe I did expect to much in expecting that she be respectful of the other girls in my party. Maybe I also expected too much in thinking that this was a supportive online community of brides. I apologize that you took my short post in such a negative way. You don't know me and have no right in judging me. I think that you are the one who owes an apology.
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]
Trix owes you nothing, heed her advice if you want to solve this the correct and mature way. You are out of line in various "requirements" and "expectations" of your MOH/FSIL. <div>
</div><div>First, she is not required to plan any parties, any one of your BMs can take control if they want to plan something, they also do not have to do anything besides getting the dress and show up. But if they so choose they or anyone else can plan a party for the Bride (besides the Bride herself).</div><div>
</div><div>Second, you should have consulted with your her along with the rest of your BMs individually on what their budget range is for the BM dresses. Assuming that $130 is an acceptable price for everyone and pulling an attitude about "I'm spending $2000 on photography, you can buy this" is NOT a good decision by your part. Go back and read that again, I hope you realize that it did not sound like a very mature statement to make towards your FSIL.</div><div>
</div><div>So I'm guessing that she doesn't need the "you not liking her BF" excuse to have your FILs upset with you. You being inconsiderate of what she could afford and expecting her to throw parties for you is reason enough to be annoyed by your behavior. </div><div>
</div><div>As for her insult to the other BM, I would have called her rude comment out and made her apologize to the BM because insulting a woman about her weight is cruel and I would make her feel pretty darn bad for saying something like that to my friend.</div><div>
</div><div>As for judging you, well, God gave us free will and by human nature we judge everyone and everything. I read through your whole post and have seen bad actions by you and your MOH. So you may not like our advice but I have learned to listen to these ladies if you want to look like the more mature person when it comes to situations you are in. </div></div>

mob112710

Okay, deep breaths please -- everyone! Goal2007, what Trix said about the "duties" of the WP is true. She was also correct in that you should have spoken with each of the women in the BP regarding what they were comfortable spending on dresses prior to picking one out. And, the MOH position is usually reserved for someone who is already a close friend.  But even though I agree with the content of Trix's post, the delivery was pretty harsh. In Trix's defense though, there are almost daily posts on here from brides who are upset with their MOH/BM not performing their "duties".  And in fairness to Trix, she tells everyone the same thing -- just more gently, most of the time. (I imagine she's getting tired of writing the same thing repeatedly.)

So, while you may be frustrated with your choice of a MOH, there's not much you can do about it except grin and bear it. Regarding the dress, it's chosen and bought -- it's over, let it go. FSIL was rude to your other BM, but there's nothing you can do now.  Be happy you're being given a shower. I'd have to guess most are driven by either the MOB or MOG regardless of who the MOH is. Go, smile, say thank you and enjoy it. And finally, what you spend on your wedding is your choice and no one is obligated to do anything as a result of your choices of what to spend.

Lisa8888

I can understand Goal2007's frustration. In my experience BMs and especially MOH get involved with planning bridal showers and bacherlorette party.The MOH usually is the primary person arranging these things.

And it is true that the sample dress can very well be a different shade. It is recommended that all dresses be ordered at the same time to ensure the exact same shade. Making a stink over $13 doesn't make sense to me.

And there is some issue where the OP said the MOH is causing problems with her FI's family and her.

goal2007

Thank you all for your posts. I think the way I wrote my post came out wrong and the entire situation is not as accurately portrayed as i would have liked. I was venting. I never said anything specifically to my maid of honor about the price of the photography. I've never asked anyone to throw me a party, that issue was brought up by my MOH herself. I am frusterated because I have tried to talk with her friend to friend about wrongdoings on both sides. I was hurt by the harshness of Trix's post but I understand where she was coming from. But if she knew where I was coming from and the incidents that have taken place and how I have tried to resolve them she would probably have answered differently. I am trying to make it through the planning of this wedding so that I can get to my wedding day and beyond. I'm excited to start my life with the man I love and to try to keep a friendly relationship with his family. I'm am honestly not a bridezilla and would be happy with polaroids!

MairePoppy

You are being judged only by your own words. People are responding honestly to what you posted.
Please take Trix's advice. Check out the other posts on this message board and the wedding party board. Then go back an re-read your posts and the responses you received.

AutumnFair

The only real big negative your FSIL did was making the rude remark about another BM's weight other than that I can't find anything else that warrants her as the main cause of stress. I think most of the frustration was brought on yourself for being too into the wedding industry. When it came to the shower you shouldn't even think about that unless someone asks "hey what date(s) work for you and what guests would you like to come?" and the dresses you should have asked their price range or just let her by the sample dress. FYI, it is always better to let something slide then being picky about it because it's the being picky that builds up that stress and frustration. But all this is done and over so the best thing you can do is not expect anything else until the wedding. Basically when you talk to her, don't chat about wedding stuff, chat about other things, maybe then she will open back up to you.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:5a40d012-ab62-451e-9e64-fb1a8ea5022e">MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]5 months ago when I asked my future SIL and friend to be my MOH I thought it would bring us closer (plus, she is one of the most organized people I know). Turns out I was wrong. She has caused one headache after another. She has planned nothing- my MIL has been planning my bridal shower. She has contacted none of my other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning a bacherlorette party. She made one of my bridesmaids cry during our dress shopping trip making comments such as "Oh you dont need to order extra fabric for me but you are definitely going to need to order more for her.." and she fought with me over the bridesmaids dress I picked. The dress cost 130 bucks and she bitched that I wouldn't let her buy the sample dress so she could save some money ($13 is all she would have saved). <strong>I'm sorry, I am spending $2000 on photography; she can pay an extra $13 to ensure everyone matches</strong>. Now the situation has gone over the edge. She has turned my in-laws against me by insisting that I don't like her boyfriend and am thus breaking up their family. I am so ridiculously confused and outraged. I have tried to go the extra mile to make everyone happy for the sake of my FI but I have hit my limit. Any advice? I know there's not a whole lot I can do, I just needed to vent a little.
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]
Textbook bridezilla.

suz62984

1-She doesn't have to plan anything. Neither does your mom, MIL, or BMs. Pre-bridal parties are gifts for the bride or couple. If they aren't planned by anyone you just don't get one. All that is "expected" of a MOH is to purchase dress, walk down aisle, fix train, hold bouquet, walk back down aisle, smile for pictures.

2-She made your BM cry. If that is the comment that she made you should have handled it right there in front of everyone. "SIL, I will not tolerate those kind of comments from anyone in the bridal party. The things you say are hurtful and inexcusable. I think you owe her an apology. Please do not make a comment like that again."

3-Its $13. If she wanted to buy the sample who cares. That isn't up for you to decide. Maybe she wanted to take the dress home that day so she wouldn't have to worry about it. Still, this isn't your problem. It is up to the girls to purchase the dress and you don't get to say how people spend their money. Also, did you ask her for her dress budget before picking a dress? If not, kinda rude to demand she pay for a full priced dress instead of sample...no matter what the difference was.

4-Hooray! You're spending $2000 on a photographer. Whoopie effing Doooo! You now win a cookie.

5-Maybe it isn't all her that is turning your in laws against you. You are portraying bridezilla tendencies in your post. You need to let all of this go because these people are your in laws; if you don't get along you will be on a very slippery slope down and it will hurt your FI a lot. 

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:6c01f7af-97c4-407b-8d89-2a14204ebacd">Re: MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your posts. I think the way I wrote my post came out wrong and the entire situation is not as accurately portrayed as i would have liked. I was venting. I never said anything specifically to my maid of honor about the price of the photography. I've never asked anyone to throw me a party, that issue was brought up by my MOH herself. I am frusterated because I have tried to talk with her friend to friend about wrongdoings on  both sides. I was hurt by the harshness of Trix's post but I understand where she was coming from. But if she knew where I was coming from and the incidents that have taken place and how I have tried to resolve them she would probably have answered differently. I am trying to make it through the planning of this wedding so that I can get to my wedding day and beyond. I'm excited to start my life with the man I love and to try to keep a friendly relationship with his family. I'm am honestly not a bridezilla and would be happy with polaroids!
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]


We can only react to what you tell us.  So far the ONLY thing you've mentioned your MOH doing that was wrong on her part was making that comment to your other BM at the dress fitting.

Even if you "would be happy with polaroids," you somehow think that how much YOU are choosing to spend on your photographs for your OWN wedding should have some bearing on how much somebody else should be willing to spend on a dress for a wedding that is not her own.  It's good you didn't say that to her, but if you weren't thinking it it wouldn't have been in your post, so it's indicative of your misguided attitude about the whole thing.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:5a40d012-ab62-451e-9e64-fb1a8ea5022e">MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]5 months ago when I asked my future SIL and friend to be my MOH I thought it would bring us closer (plus, she is one of the most organized people I know). Turns out I was wrong. She has caused one headache after another. She has planned nothing- my MIL has been planning my bridal shower. She has contacted none of my other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning a bacherlorette party. She made one of my bridesmaids cry during our dress shopping trip making comments such as "Oh you dont need to order extra fabric for me but you are definitely going to need to order more for her.." and she fought with me over the bridesmaids dress I picked. The dress cost 130 bucks and she bitched that I wouldn't let her buy the sample dress so she could save some money ($13 is all she would have saved). I'm sorry, I am spending $2000 on photography; she can pay an extra $13 to ensure everyone matches. Now the situation has gone over the edge. She has turned my in-laws against me by insisting that I don't like her boyfriend and am thus breaking up their family. I am so ridiculously confused and outraged. I have tried to go the extra mile to make everyone happy for the sake of my FI but I have hit my limit. Any advice? I know there's not a whole lot I can do, I just needed to vent a little.
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]


First of all, yeah you were wrong to assume it would bring you closer.  A LOT of times, it actually pulls people apart and sometimes they aren't even friends anymore or like each other anymore after being in the wedding.  Esp when brides have all these high expectations for their bridesmaids and want to put duties and assigments on them.  These brides are wrong.  YOU are wrong.

You can't sit here and complain that "she has planned nothing".  Honey, sorry to break it to you but your bridesmaids are not resposible for planning anything relating to your wedding. It is your wedding, so you and your FI both need to plan it yourselves or go hire a planner.


It is very common for MOB and MOG to plan the shower because they are more financially stable and able to do it.  It is a lot of financially and time consuming work for a bm to help plan a shower.  If they volunteer and want to help, then okay great.  If they don't want to, then you have to deal with that.

You are sounding very spoiled and selfish when you say "she has contacted none of the other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning the bachelorette". 

Why does she need to contact them?  If the bridesmaids needed assistance, don't you think they would call her?  She does not have to call them and help plan.  If that is not her style or her personality you need to accept that and not hold it against her and basically call her a bad bridesmaid.  She doesn't have to do anything but show up to the wedding day sober in a dress and smile for pictures.  That is all she is required to do.  Anything else she does, consider it a plus and be happy with whatever you get.

Your shower and bachelorette are supposed to be a surprise and you are to have no say or or involvement in any of it because it is considered rude.  You should not be knowing how much or the lack of effort your bm is putting into it.  All of it is none of your business and doesn't pertain to you.

Stop complaining on here how much of a crappy bridesmaid you have, because she doesn't want to be your wedding planner for you.. Ohh what major problems you have.  Must be the end of the world, right.

Not.  You need to get over this and stop making it a big deal telling about how your MOH and SIL are major problems.  YOU are the major problem here

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mohsil-major-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0c02d056-370e-4a02-b908-5d83f7ec8313Post:5a40d012-ab62-451e-9e64-fb1a8ea5022e">MOH/SIL major problems!</a>:
[QUOTE]5 months ago when I asked my future SIL and friend to be my MOH I thought it would bring us closer (plus, she is one of the most organized people I know). Turns out I was wrong. She has caused one headache after another. She has planned nothing- my MIL has been planning my bridal shower. She has contacted none of my other bridesmaids about helping with the shower or planning a bacherlorette party. She made one of my bridesmaids cry during our dress shopping trip making comments such as "Oh you dont need to order extra fabric for me but you are definitely going to need to order more for her.." and she fought with me over the bridesmaids dress I picked. The dress cost 130 bucks and she bitched that I wouldn't let her buy the sample dress so she could save some money ($13 is all she would have saved). I'm sorry, I am spending $2000 on photography; she can pay an extra $13 to ensure everyone matches. Now the situation has gone over the edge. She has turned my in-laws against me by insisting that I don't like her boyfriend and am thus breaking up their family. I am so ridiculously confused and outraged. I have tried to go the extra mile to make everyone happy for the sake of my FI but I have hit my limit. Any advice? I know there's not a whole lot I can do, I just needed to vent a little.
Posted by goal2007[/QUOTE]

Also is has no relevance and doesn't matter at all how much you spent on photography.  It's your wedding after all, not hers.  So, if she wants to save as much money as she can on someone else's wedding, then let her.  Or you can pay the extra $13 for her.  You can't sit there and dicate how people should be spending their own money, for your wedding.  that  is just selfish

Muffin'sMom

I think that if you go back and reread your original post, you will be able to see why someone would think that and respond in that way.  True, we don't know you...all we know is the words that you write.  Your words didn't present your situation in a positive light.

You also need to understand that you came here once.  We are here every day.  Every day the same question shows up...my MOH/BM isn't doing, caring, helping, supporting and is ruining my wedding experience.  All we are saying is that you are responsible for your own wedding, your own joy, your own experience.  You should also be cognizant of the limitations, both in money and time, of the people that you chose because they were the most special people to you.

I'm sorry that you didn't like the answer...

joiner521

I have learned that when it comes to weddings, you will know who your true freinds are. She is jealous. You are getting married and she is not.