Moms and Maids

Mother in law drama

Ok so  I try really hard to get along with my soon to be MIL.. But she is the kind of lady it is her way or its no way.. Im also very stubborn and kind of the same way.., So we clash I think.. I try so had to bite my tongue and not say anything but does this ever stop?? She has told me that I cant get my dresses from certain places bc she had bad experiences with them.. It hasnt got to bad yet other than that.. Im very content with his father and brothers but as soon as his mother comes into the room i get really quite and very uncomfortable. What can i do to try makin our relationship bettter??
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Re: Mother in law drama

  • winelover123winelover123 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2013
    When she tells you that you can't get something from somewhere (assuming she isn't paying), just smile and nod. Or say, "I'll keep that in mind" and don't give her more information. It honestly may not get better - some people simply don't click. My FILs say some.....interesting things sometimes  but unless it offends me, I just look away and don't respond. I've found that the best way to not rock the boat. Do you see her often or just at family events?

    ETA: What is FI's reaction to everything?
  • Jenni8412Jenni8412 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    Slightly different situation, but my dad can be like this. I'm used to it and know when there's gonna be a clash when to put my foot down and walk away, etc. I originally tried to take on a mediator type role when my dad was trying to roll over my new hubby in a tense situation. I realized afterwards that DH wasn't even asking me to be like that, but would have preferred me just to back him up when he stood up for his own preferences. I think you need to be discussing this situation with your FI... He can help you understand where she's coming from and how to manipulate the situation to the least stressful but positive outcome. Plus, when it comes to diffusing a disagreement with her, you're going to want him backing you up for the wedding that you two want! Also, this sets the tone for the family dynamic down the road... The one thing to take into account on applying her input is how much if any of these decisions impacts HER wallet.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    How long have you and your fiance been together? Is this a new problem, like since the engagement?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I see her couple times a month eh.. and we been together not long a little under a year and I just meet her in like Oct.. So we havent known each other long
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jessi, no, it doesn't ever ever ever stop. My MIL was constantly telling me, DH, her other son, all her nieces, nephews, her great nephews, her sister, well, you get the idea, what to do about everything. She couldn't have a conversation without advice. It wasn't gentle advice either. When my children were born, she became the most loving sweet grandmother ever. The sun rose and set on my kids. They love her like crazy. I am always thankful for that. So, there may be a silver lining down the road. How to handle it? I just learned to be quiet and not engage her so that I wouldn't lose it. I just didn't share anything with her, ever. When she was acting bad, I'd just leave the room. Good luck!
  • My Mom & I are like this.  She has some very strong opinions on things & I basically just learned to pick my battles.
  • I try so hard. I know she doesnt like me.. I feel like she looks down on me as her son is to good for me.. she didnt even know he was going to ask me to marry him.. and when she found out he was (which he told her they day he was doing it) she didnt even act excited or anything.. she still to this day doesnt and her other son is gettin married 7 months before we are she is more into their wedding then ours yet she tells him we dont include her.. ive asked to go to bridal shows with me and stuff but shes always busy.. Its kinda like im damned if i do and im damned if I dont.. I dont know what to do at this moment... he just tells me that everything will be ok.. but i dont see it that way..
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e32fa7f-eccf-49b7-8e91-2a3fb84f53f3Post:7be13c51-8196-49ab-9a77-0684fb5e0e58">Mother in law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so  I try really hard to get along with my soon to be MIL.. But she is the kind of lady it is her way or its no way.. Im also very stubborn and kind of the same way.., So we clash I think.. I try so had to bite my tongue and not say anything but does this ever stop?? She has told me that I cant get my dresses from certain places bc she had bad experiences with them.. It hasnt got to bad yet other than that.. Im very content with his father and brothers but as soon as his mother comes into the room i get really quite and very uncomfortable. What can i do to try makin our relationship bettter??
    Posted by jessi3617[/QUOTE]

    From your follow up posts, it seems like FMIL thinks you are moving too fast.  You say you have known each other a little under a year.  That may be too fast for her, but doesn't mean it isn't too fast for you & FI.  So she may need some time to adjust to this new news.

    As far as her telling you not to purchase things at certain stores, she may just be trying to help you.  She may not want you to have an upsetting expeirence like she had or someone she knows had.  It may just be the way she puts things out there, instead of saying "I just want you to know that so & so had bad expeirences when dress shopping at stores x, y, and z.  So becareful if you go there."  She says, "Don't go to store x, y, or z.  They are terrible."  So it may just all be in the delivery of her advice and she may be trying to be helpful.
  • You know it's okay to not be BFFs with your MIL, right?
  • jessi3617jessi3617 member
    100 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    Thanks ladies.. the problem is I try to hard I think. I just want her to like me so we can have a good relationship for my fl.. now my fl is starting to notice stuff n he tells me just ignore her.. I just want everyone to be happy. The fl told me I try making everyone around me happy even if that means im not happy.. but u guys give really good advice. Thank u
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    CMGr, it could go the other way, too.

    My MIL didn't like the shoddy way that I was taking care of her grandchildren. I fed them and held them wrong way, picked them up too much, bathed them too often, paid too much attention to them, didn't potty train correctly, didn't discipline them enough or I disciplined them too much. All three of them turned out to be very nice, considerate, responsible adults. My MIL credits the genes from her side of the family for that - never mind that there are plenty of nuts on her family tree. And she wondered why I didn't bring them to visit her more often.

    Op, your FMIL has a right to express her opinion. You have a right to ignore her. Take Retread's advice.
                       
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e32fa7f-eccf-49b7-8e91-2a3fb84f53f3Post:909a250f-4c8a-4f33-b03c-713e7a6b43d1">Re: Mother in law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some of this might go away after you present her with a grandchild.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Seriously? Rather presumptous, arent you CMG? Not every couple choices to have kids. I dont think that is the answer to this issue.

    OP, since she hasnt known you for very long, give your FMIL time. Maybe she will come around, maybe she won't. But she cant voice opinions on your wedding if you stop giving her details.

    My mom alway tells me that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. JUst be super nice to her. It cant hurt the situation.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0e32fa7f-eccf-49b7-8e91-2a3fb84f53f3Post:7be13c51-8196-49ab-9a77-0684fb5e0e58">Mother in law drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so  I try really hard to get along with my soon to be MIL..
    Posted by jessi3617[/QUOTE]

    Well stop doing that.  Accept her as she is but don't think you're trying will make things better.  You will set yourself up for perpetual disappointment.  It took me 9 years to figure that out.
  • Thanks guys makes me feel better that others go through the samething
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  • Andplusalso, your wedding is in 14 months.  She has another son getting married in seven.  Of course she's going to be more excited/focused on that one for now, that one is coming up soon, and once it's over, she has a whole other seven months to focus on yours.  With over a year until your wedding, no one will be as excited for it than you are.   Maybe she's a bit stressed with the idea of two sons getting married over the next year-ish?  Relax, and just focus on being your natural, kind self.  Not adding to drama may be the best way to nuture your relationship with her.
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  • My FMIL hates me and looks for ways to hate me. I understand. You have to just accept her for who she is and keep her at an arm's length. I don't say or do anything in front of my FMIL that I don't expect to be picked apart, judged and talked about behind my back. 

    If it gets to this point, talk to your FI about it. But not in an attacking way, more of a concerned way. My FI recently told his mother that she won't ever see either of us again and that she might receive an invite to our wedding if she can't be respectful to me. It took a long time for us to get to this point (like 3 years, at least), but it did and FI is finally seeing her the way I do. But you cannot force something like this on him. If something really bothers you and your FI tells you to ignore it, tell him you can't and he shouldn't allow people to disrespect you, regardless of who they are. He should get it. 
  • This never stops.  Keep in mind though, that you don't have to be friends with your MIL.  You basically only have to tolerate her on holidays and family events, and be respectful the rest of the time.  If you don't want her "advice" anymore, stop sharing these details with her.  Don't tell her about the dresses.    
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