Moms and Maids
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Ready to Cry...

I am absolutely beside myself... all throughout my wedding planning my mom has insisted she be a part of everything, which I have done my best to honor.  My finace and I have tackled most of the big things, which he has been a huge help with, but I've included her on the girly stuff (dress shopping, florist, letting her plan the shower, etc.)  Then she goes with me and gives me her opinion on every last thing, and then complains that I'm not "having fun" or acting like I'm enjoying myself. 

It's really starting to bug me because honoring her wishes is really starting to cause tension.  The thing that gets me the most is when she complains that I'm the only daughter and "she only gets one wedding".  Well HELLO, did it ever occur that I also only get one wedding... mine??  I have tried to be a nice bride and humor her but there were plenty of things I wish I could have done with my girlfriends, but instead I planned with my mom.  I am not enjoying it any more... what do I do?

Re: Ready to Cry...

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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Why can't you do things with your girlfriends and your mom?

    Is you mom paying for the wedding? If so then you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I think the best thing to do is to sit down and have a chat with her. tell her how you are feeling and see how you can compromise so that both are you are happy for the rest of the planning process.

    Remember a wedding is really just a party. Don't let it come between you and your mother.


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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Some mothers dream of their daugther's wedding. I know my mom will be all over mine, too.
    I suppose all I could do is be greatful that at least I have a mom who cares enough to get involved... and is still alive to be with me on my wedding day. Maybe you can look at it that way?
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp. At least you have a mom who is willing to help, my mom has not lifted a finger to help with anything or financially. There are still things you can do with your girlfriends like the dress shopping, she doesn't have to be there with you for that. And I would just tell her, you want it to be something between you girls. Reassure her there is still plenty she can help with.
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    edited December 2011
    Kristen, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. 

    My mom is SO stuck in the "old traditional ways" that we pretty much don't agree on anything and its making things a little stressful between us.  I too am her only daughter so she feels like "its her only wedding to plan" and she lives several states away, so its been a struggle.

    Today's argument was about stamps and how much the invitiations stamps are going to be, because she feels that we shouldn't need more than .44 cent stamps... HELLO cardstock is heavy + pocketfolds... she doesn't really get it.

    What I am finding is helpful, for me, is assigning her tasks that I know I won't really care too much about -- i.e., the guestbook, champagne flutes, cutting knife, etc.  While they serve an important purpose, I dont have particular thoughts about what I want, so she is THRILLED to be choosing this stuff for me, as little as they are.

    Good luck and hang in there!
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    edited December 2011
    You and your fi made the big decisions and your mom helped with the girly stuff. That sounds pretty typical of how things are done. It's nice to include your mom, especially if she's helping to pay for your wedding. It sounds like you need a break from each other, though.

    With 3 months to go before your wedding, there's plenty of time to plan a fun spa day or night out (or in) with your girlfriends. I think you will find that they would be more interested in that, rather than going to appointments with you, anyway.

    Keep in mind that your mom probably thinks she is helping you.
                       
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    edited December 2011
    It is also sometimes a way to hold on just a little bit longer by a mom who is feeling like her daughter is moving to a new stage in life.  Be kind...she loves you and I'm sure she didn't mean that the way it sounded.  My daughter is also an only child and I know there were moments when I did think...this will be my only chance to give her this day.  It can be overwhelming emotionally.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Totally agree with Muffin'sMom.  That's how my mom was too.  She was emotionally overwhelmed with all of this, so was I, and sometimes each of us didn't handle it well...
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry this is happening to you!  Under normal circumstances I would agree with the other posters that have said that you should try to power through with mom and blah blah.... but here, I think you mom is really just trying to run the show and isn't going to respond to a sit down conversation.  It also doesn't seem like you can continue on with her like this.  She really thinks that this is her wedding not yours.  I would try to give her some small tasks that really don't mean a lot to you, and whatever you have left, just do without her, plan it with your friends and try to enjoy what's left of planning without her involvement.  Good Luck!
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    kari316kari316 member
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    edited December 2011
    Believe me I know moms can really drive you nuts during the wedding planning... my mom and I definitely had some tense moments.  But keep in mind it is really hard for her to "let go" of her baby and deal with all of the changes.  Try not to let her get you crazy, think happy thoughts when she starts nagging and just let it go.  I agree with beign grateful you have a mom who wants to be involved - I've been a BM for girls whose moms had passed away or were alcoholics and didn't even show up.  You don't have to do EVERYTHING with her - for some things maybe tell her the BMs planned it & it's just you and them.  As long as you are still including her in some of the decisions she should accept that and if not maybe you have an aunt or other relative who can suggest that she give you some space without sayign it came from you?  Try to keep peace with her - she's your mom and loves you and weddings can be as stressful for mom as for you so try to cut her some slack.
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    irisleafirisleaf member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the first post, why can't you have your girls with you and your mom at appointments?

    You are over reacting.  Its not like she is saying "Do it this way or I won't pay!" 

    It's your mom she is just trying to help.  

    As for the bride who is having a fit over the price of postage: .44 cent postage is for anything letter size, NO MATTER THE WEIGHT!  You really need to pick something else to be snarky about cause that is just really lame.

    Take a chill all of you and try to have fun.  Nit-picking these tiny details is just ridiculous.

    And just ask your friends to come with you on the next apointment you have with you mom, problem solved. 
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    edited December 2011
    I'm not trying to guilt trip you, but my aunt died in 2004 and my three cousins will all have to plan their weddings (and every other major event, forever) without their mom.  I'm sure they would love the opportunity for her to be here to annoy them with her opinions.
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    edited December 2011
    I have the exact opposite problem  My sister had her wedding last year, and that was just a celebration with the family after she eloped  the year before that, and my mom was helping her with every detail and threw her a shower and everything and I felt sort of left out being the MOH and not being able to do anything.  Then about 15 days before her wedding I got engaged and to be respectful I didn't start planning until after her wedding and I cannot get my mom involved in anything. It was hard to get her to even go dress shopping with me the one time I asked her.  I know she is probably burnt out on the whole wedding thing and I respect that but it still hurts that she was so willing to be involved with my sisters wedding and not care about mine- at least that is how it feels to me. 

    Maybe if you did sit down and talk to her it might help a little, but just remember when she butts in and tries to help you with stuff, I am sure she is trying to be helpful.  I wouldn't, though, feel bad if you want to plan stuff with your friends and not your mom, I am sure you have plenty of things still to do.  Think Bachrolet party, that is a no mom sounding event to me. Wink
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    Xtine22Xtine22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]I'm not trying to guilt trip you, but my aunt died in 2004 and my three cousins will all have to plan their weddings (and every other major event, forever) without their mom.  I'm sure they would love the opportunity for her to be here to annoy them with her opinions.
    Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree with you... I lost my mom 3 years ago and I would LOVE for her to be here and be annoying as anything. So be lucky that she is there to annoy to crap out of u..
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    mhickey426mhickey426 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i know someone who is in the wedding buisness. she siad to me that this is my mothers wedding and in 20 something years it will be my turn.  Moms dream about their childs wedding especially their daughters.  Just like you have a picture in your mind so does she.  Be patient she just wants to be included.  Its your wedding but she wants it to be quite possible even more amazing then you might. She has looked forward to this your whole life.  Plus she could feel like she is loosing you so this is her way to hold onto you as long as possible.  You can involve your mom and friends but your mom is the one who cares the most out of them.  Relax and try to not stress its not worth it because the most important thing is that you are getting married to the man u love and everything else is just stuff.
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    llgusllgus member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see where you're coming from - my mom has been a little overbearing with a few things as well. She lives out of state, 1/2 the year and basically told me I had to wait to Register, look for cakes, etc so she can help with all of them. It totally stressed me out for a long time after she almost cried and told me how she didn't feel like I was letting her be involved in my wedding planning - even though she's had a say in everything so far.
    After a while, I came to some compromises so I can keep my FI involved and keep her happy. (i.e. we're going to register for some of our must-haves and you and I can do some registering just the two of us)
    My mom and dad are paying for a lot to give us a day we won't forget, so if it makes her happy to have opinions about things, we've decided to let her. In the long run, my mom (and probably your mom too) just want you to have a day you'll never forget!
    Maybe you can just tell her where you're coming from and how some of the things can add some unwanted extra stress. Tell her you value her opinion and come up with compromises so she can have her say, but ultimately you're getting final say.
    Just an idea.
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    edelgado11edelgado11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Its all about roles.

    When I was still dating my now husband, I told my mom that I wanted a small wedding... She turned to me and told me 'when you get married, thatll be YOUR turn, but your wedding is mine.' Scary, yes, I know but though she can be overly possessive, I also know that I love her like no other and she's my biggest cheerleader and wanted her there.  

    We had been engaged for about 3 months and planning the BIG wedding for next year when we found out that My FI grandma (the matriarch of the family) was diagnosed with cancer and was given no more than 6 months to live.  At that point we decided to have small civil, backyard ceremony.  We knew my FI grandma (the matriarch of the family) was diagnosed with cancer and was given no more than 6 months.  This totally turned my traditional, Catholic family upside down, but they understood our underlying reasons.  It was the first non-denominational wedding they had ever attended, they loved it.  Anyway, I was able to give my mom certain 'roles' where she felt she was responsible it.  \

    Be clear, honest and straight forward with what you want and why you want it. And most importantly, explain to momma (or whoever else) why they're role is so important for you. 


    Good luck!
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