BM Frustration

katy0990

Hi ladies I am having some issues and I am looking for some feedback from people who are not emotionally involved. Ironically it is not my wedding that has me stressed, but my friend's wedding in July, which I am a BM in. The MOH and another of the BMs have some very high expectations of the money we will all contribute for the shower, bach party, and other things. They wanted us to buy $35 jerseys to have our pics taken in and when some of us balked and suggested cheaper ideas we voted and decided on cheaper t shirts. Then, the next day we were all sent a text from the MOH that she changed her mind and decided on the jerseys and that we all owe her the difference. Some of us responded that we did not think that was right as we had voted 4-2 for the t-shirts the day before and we were basically told to suck it up if we care about the bride. Some pretty ugly comments were made about who is closer to her, etc. Then, the MOH had the gall to say that she heard from the bride that she was being asked to contribute a lot to my bachelorette party. 1) My BMs have not met yet and 2) My wedding is 8 months away so I know nothing is being planned.
This whole thing is petty. It is not even so much about the money anymore, it is more about the fact that 4 of the 6 of us feel like our opinions do not matter, just our financial contribution. I am more than willing to buy whatever the bride expects (dress, shoes, gift, etc). It is the extras that are being requires by the MOH that I cannot justify when I am a fulltime student and employee with my own bills and wedding to pay for. I am DIYing all I can for my own wedding and I have already spent more on this one than my own. I am very worried becasue we also voted to not pay for a party bus for the bach party. But, they already changed their minds about the shirts, so who knows what else could change. I would say something to the bride. But it is all supposed to be a surprise. I know the drama has been mentioned to her. But, she does not know all the details. I guess what I am wondering is if anyone can suggest a tactful way of not spending hundreds more on these events without being one of "those bridesmaids". How much is a BM typically expected to contribute?
Sorry so long! Thanks for listening!

pgcp

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bm-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0f116ae2-6047-466f-9ecf-c5fbce54fee2Post:7d8750be-0386-4f8c-827e-92413ee12589">BM Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE] How much is a BM typically expected to contribute?
Posted by katy0990[/QUOTE]
Not $1 more than she volunteers.  Don't budge on your budget.  When things come up be quick to say "I can contribute/pay/offer $X."  When pushed simply say "I told you I could pay $X".  Rinse, repeat.

redheadtmk

No is not a dirty word. It does need to be said loud and clear. Stick to your budget. Do not let these two bully you into spending more than you can afford.

katy0990

Thanks ladies! Its just frustrating that they are questioning my friendship with the bride and that has nothing to do with it. They already ordered the jerseys even after we said no again and now I have to chooose whether to pay or have them hold it over my head. The jerseys play into one of the BM's gift to the bride for the weddind and I do not want to ruin it for anyone. But, when I am skimping on my own wedding it quite frankly pisses me off that we are being treated this way!

pgcp

Give them what you agreed to, the cost of a tee shirt.  Then repeat after me, "I told you I could afford the cost of the tee shirt, here is that money.  It isn't my fault YOU chose to spend more for me than I told you I could afford."  If they say something about being a lousy friend tell them that money can't buy friendship.

katy0990

Thanks pgcp! I already paid for the tee shirt. I will not give them anything additional and I will simply not participate in their extra photos that are the gift from one of the BMs. Iwould rather not waste the time anyway. We shall see how this goes......

MairePoppy

Tell the MOH that you can afford to contribute X dollars to the bp and not a penny more. She should have contacted each of you and asked how much you could contribute and planned accordingly. I'm sorry, there is no way to reason with an unreasonable person. You just have to say NO. Don't give her excuses because she will argue with you. If she rents that limo, she is the one signing the contract and she will be responsible for paying for it.

I usually don't advise teaming up on anyone, but since you know others feel the same way and you are all being ignored by the MOHzilla, it might be a good idea to present a united front.

One more thing, don't believe that the bride said anything about you, your wedding, the other bms etc...unless you hear it straight from her own mouth. The MOH sounds like a desperate type that will say what it takes to get what she wants.

Good luck.

katy0990

Thanks. I am going to have to work on saying no. Other BMs will stand up if someone (me) takes the lead. It complicates things that none of us know each other. I like the MOHzilla term. It describes the situation to a T.

saric83

I would definitely communicate with the other BM's and perhaps you can send an email to the MOH from all of you that simply says something like, "We all appreciate you taking the lead on planning Jane's bachelorette party.  Just to make sure we're all on the same page, we wanted to let you know that we're all individually planning to contribute x-amount towards the party costs.  Please let us know what else we can do to help with the plans and when you would like us to pay you."  And then sign it from each of you that agreed to this. 

It's far kinder than she deserves, but it keeps it all quasi-calm since once this wedding is done, it sounds like you'll never have to see this lovely person again.  So as much as it sucks to have to be the better person sometimes, take the high road, but level-set on all expectations and make it publicly known (through the group email) and don't back down! : )  Good luck!

katy0990

Thanks for all the suggestions ladies. I feel less crazy now

hannahmassey

What a biznich. Yes to all the PPs.