Moms and Maids

Sister of Groom not included in wedding party

When I got married (38 yrs ago!), it was customary for the bride to include any female members of the grooms immediate family in the wedding party.  Is that still the case?If that is still the case, would I be remiss in discussing that with my son and his fiancee?  His only sister has not been invited to be in the wedding party and is really hurt.I would appreciate any feedback!

Re: Sister of Groom not included in wedding party

  • photo_jewelsphoto_jewels member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I didn't ask my fi's sisters to be in the wedding. one reason was because there are 3 of them and I would have had to pay for everything. I also felt I couldn't ask the one I was closest with, without asking all 3. It's not customary anymore. IMO.If the groom wants his sister in the wedding, then maybe she can stand up on his side.
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I included DH's stepsister on my side but we are close friends.  It is not required that anyone be in the WP (and that includes family members of the bride/groom).If your son wants his sister in the WP she can stand on his side.  The bride has the right to choose whomever she pleases regardless of their relationship/lack thereof to the groom.
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It is isn't nearly as automatic as it used to be.  MOB here. Are your daughter and the bride close?  If so, then I understand the hurt feelings.  If there is no relationship between them, I could understand the bride not asking. It is more and more common for each side of the bridal party to be mixed gender.  Your son could ask her to stand as a groomswoman on his side.
  • edited December 2011
    It's not really customary anymore....really, the only traditions now are the "something old, something new..." and family traditions, I think. Plus, I've only ever heard of the bride including HER female relatives. If she's not close to the bride, I can see why the bride hasn't asked her to be in the party. But I do think it's a GREAT idea for your son to ask her to be on his side! She can find a gown that kind of goes with what the men are wearing (which could be a lot better than wearing whatever the bride is choosing). All women look good in black.
  • edited December 2011
    I know I'm late on this...but I know how you feel.  I did it 29 years ago.  My husband had 4 sisters...I asked the one unmarried one.  She was touched and it was worth it. Moving to now...my daughter's fiance has one older sister.  I asked Heather to include her, and she agreed.  It was then, and is now, a nice reaching across the table gesture.That being said, the others are correct.  If his fiance balks...he is free to have her on his side!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm not sure it was ever as customary as you think, but it is always a good idea. My mother didn't have any of my dad's sisters in the wedding.  Of course two of them were already married with children and the others were under 12.  Much logic goes into these decisions.  The number of BM and GM usually match. If she adds a BM he will have to add a GM.  It can get rather complicated. I was once in a wedding where the bride told the groom 2 BM or 4 while he had 3 GM picked out.  There are other functions; she could be in charge of the guest book and the gifts.  Does she sing or play an instrument?
  • edited December 2011
    No, you only have you want to have in your party. If your son want's his sister in the wedding she can stand up on his side.
  • edited December 2011
    I asked my FI's sister to be a bridesmaid because I felt she should be included. Plus I felt it would help our relationship (mine and the sister's) if she did not feel snubbed or rejected in any way. Doing something like that can make the biggest difference.
  • edited December 2011
    These days it is common for women to stand on grooms side and men on brides side. If sister not included it is really the grooms making that choice not the bride. You can say something suggesting it lightly to the groom but basically sister should just not worry about it. But do not blame the bride for teh choice the choice is grooms since she is his sister  
  • edited December 2011
     I'm having my FI's sister do the guestbook, keep an eye on the card box, and the guesttable where the placecards are they going to be a littler harder for the older people to see so she will be helping in that. I have my girls picked and have for a while and he has his side picked.
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  A wealth of information!  I did talk gently to the bride and suggested that perhaps my daughter could do a scripture reading. She wants her to 'supervise' clean up after the wedding.  I told her I thought Jenna would be insulted by that duty, and she said she would reconsider.I have a feeling this is not an issue I can press any further, and should be finalized by my son and his sister.
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Jana, stay out of it from now on.  You shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place.  It isn't your job to assign or even gently suggest people to be involved in their wedding no matter how hurt your daughter is.  If it is important to your son then let him handle it, otherwise, stay out.You are asking for trouble by meddling in this.  Honestly, if my MIL had tried to tell me who should be doing what in the wedding it would've pissed me off and probably encouraged me (and by extension, DH) to talk with you less regarding wedding things.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the other ladies, siblings in the present day don't automatically get a spot in the Wedding Party (this includes Bride's sisters as bridesmaids). I think it was quite rude of the Bride to suggest that "clean up supervisor" is some kind of honor. If I was his sister, I would kindly decline any roles like that (makes you wonder what the poor bridesmaids are going to have to do if this is the bride's way of thinking). I think talking about this issue to the bride was not your business, talking to your son would have been a wiser choice and that discussion should just be suggesting a more general "special" role be it bridesmaid, groomsmaid or reader. Hopefully your conversation didn't stir up too much hot water with the bride. I feel sorry for many adults who have gotten married 10+ years ago because times have certainly change when comes to wedding etiquette.
  • edited December 2011
    This is a sad way to start a new life together, by hurting a close family member. I think you should tell your son (sweetly) that his sisters feelings and yours are hurt. Then, it's up to him to make things right.
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, I really think you should stay out of it. Choosing the WP is a very personal choice. I understand that your daughter is hurt. However, even gently suggesting that your daughter be included to your FDIL wasn't a good move. And no, the situation will not be finalized between your DD and your DS. This is between your DS and his bride. And as much as I hate to say it, the bride may have been trying to suggest to you that you stay out of it. Trying to dictate who should do what in someone else's wedding is never a good idea, and is usually pretty darn offensive. Perhaps she saw it as some kind of inclusion (and never intended for her to actually supervise anything, but still feel included) that would satisfy you and still allow her to decide who would be in her WP. Maybe not the way I would have handled it, but she could have said much worse. I say this as a woman who included both of DH's sisters in the WP. Why? I was close with one of them, and he was very close to the other one. It was important to him. However, MIL stayed out of it. Just out of curiosity, how old is your DD that you're fighting her battles for her?
  • edited December 2011
    Coming from a bride, I don't think it is your place to voice your opinion about the bride's wedding party. She can choose whoever is closest to her.
  • edited December 2011
    My daughter, the bride, did not ask her fiance's sisters.  He has three sisters.  She decided to only ask her best friend to be maid of honor and that was her only attendant.  It worked out just fine.
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    And, I honestly think the bride suggested clean up duty because she was offended by your meddling and thought that would be a good way to teach you a lesson. That's what I would've done if my MIL had tried to force someone into the WP.
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm late in responding to this but I thought i'd give my opinion, coming from a bride.  You probably should not have said anything.  Please realize something here, unless you are paying for half of the wedding, you walk a fine line with the bride and her parents on how much you can actually suggest, and suggesting who should be involved in the wedding is not your place to decide, especially who to be involved on the brides side, You can suggest to you son though all you really want or let him know that his sister was slightly hurt that she wasn't included.  Be careful  how much you push though because you don't want it to be a bigger deal than it really is or make it awkward for your daughter.  Again, you will walk a fine line on how much you can do this.  He will most likely relay a lot of your thoughts back to the bride, and whether or not he says "my mom thinks xyz" she will eventually pick up which ones are your ideas and think you are getting pushy.there's really no right or wrong answer to if siblings should be included.  I've seen it both ways. I think it depends as others have said, how close they are & how many people they want in their bridal party.  I do think it's rather rude to put her on clean up duty as you suggested and I would work with your fiance to make sure she is not put on this. If you want to be involved in the wedding planning, here is my advice for mother of the groom, and take from it what you will.  Remember and use the phrases often, "That will be beautiful, what a great idea, and you guys are doing a great job!" Regardless if you really like the ideas or not.  This is not your wedding to plan and your main job as a mother involved in the weddng is to be supportive of the bride and groom and make sure their day is what they want, not what you want.  If there is something you absolutely do not want in the wedding, let that be known upfront, such as the dollar dance or something.  Hopefully they will take your request into consideration if they have any respect for you. Even if you are payng for half the wedding, realize that most likely, the bride will go to her mom first, not you.  It's not anything personal against you, it's just her personal comfort zone. Hopefully that helps and hopefully your son will make sure your daughter plays a larger role in the wedding, such as doing a reading, being a hostess, or standing up on his side.
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