Anyone care to help a bride decode this statement?

chosen175

A little background - I am 33, FI is 39.  We've been together for 6 years and my family loves FI to death.  His family loves me just as much.  We have a 2 y/o dd and I'm a SAHM.  My family is VERY close.  Fi's family isn't.  Due to our inability to pay for a huge wedding in our HCOL area that my family expects us to have, we're doing a DW.  (Neither of our families has offered to pay for part of the wedding.)  FI and I are both painfully shy and the thought of being on display on our wedding day literally makes me ill.  We'd prefer to not have any guests at our wedding.  His family is fine with that.  Mine initially tried to bribe/force me into having the wedding at home so everyone and their mother can attend.  After 6 months of that, I blew up at them and told them we're NOT changing our minds and that's that.  They didn't talk to me for a month.  When they finally brought it up at a family function, they said "Do what you want" but their body language CLEARLY indicated that they didn't mean it.So do we do what we want, or will we hear about it for the rest of eternity?  I'm confused and this whole situation is making what should be a happy time in my life the exact opposite.  I just want to marry the man I love.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

ck9586

Of course it should be this difficult. It's a wedding and family issues always pop up. Can you do the DW and then manage to get through a small reception/party at home? Close family and YOUR close friends only, not parents' coworkers etc? Even just something in your home? If you're already married, it may make you feel more relaxed and not so much the focus of attention. I'm sorry, I have to ask. What is a SAHM and HCOL? Got me on that one!

duckie1905

SAHM-stay at home momAs for your family, have the wedding you want.  But, understand that weddings can be rough and while your family isn't handling it very well they probably feel like non-important parts of your lives.DH and I had a huge wedding so I can't say that I've been there but I do know that a few of my friends that got married with no one there did hurt a lot of feelings, including mine (even though I'd never admit it).  Remember, your family wants to be there to see you get married and when you tell them your plans they don't hear that this is what you want they hear "she doesn't want us there."Be sensitive to that because it can be hurtful to hear that you aren't welcome at such a huge event in your relative's life.I'm not saying their reaction is right and that you should do what they want.  I'm just trying to give you an idea of their perspective so that even while you are doing what you want (which is great) you keep in mind why they are so upset.

sohappyforthem369

You may hear about it for the rest of eternity but that's okay.Have the wedding you and your FI want and move on.We went through this as well. I did't want the traditional reception with dancing etc. Too much attention. We had a tiny wedding and reception. Family members and friends were upset but it's what we wanted. GL.

chosen175

HCOL = high cost of living.  We're in Chicago.  Everything is way more than we can afford.I don't want any sort of party when we get back, because I don't want it to look like we're being greedy and only wanting gifts from people who feel they "weren't important enough" to be invited to the wedding.  However, I did agree to a brunch a few months later to show our photos, etc.  We're not registering, having a shower, or anything like that.  To be honest, I don't see the big deal about a wedding.  FI and I already live together.  We have a child together.  We're already "married" in every way, except that we don't have a little piece of paper.  It really and truly isn't a huge deal to me and wish I could find a way to explain that to my family.  Why on earth would I ask people to spend a few thousand dollars to fly to a DW for a 10 minute ceremony?  We're not doing any sort of cake cutting, dances, etc.  It's the ceremony and that's it.  It's pretty silly for them to insist on going, given that none of them have the money to spare.  Not to mention that once "invitations" go out, I'll get slack from about 200 other people about "How come you didn't invite MEEEEEEE?"  Yes, I've had grown women actually whine about my wedding.  (Picture the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding and imagine that girl telling her huge family she's not having the big Greek wedding.  That about how well it's going over in my family.)  It's easier to just not have anyone, not to mention that we both hate being the center of attention and huge events like weddings send me into panic attacks.  My family knows this, but they don't seem to care.We most likely will end up going and not telling anyone until we get back.  I was just kind of curious as to why a parent would say "Do what you want" when they didn't mean it.  Ordinarily, I'm the one who patches up all the misunderstandings in my family and I'm the one they all go to for advice and such.  I have to admit, this one has me stumped.

handfast4me

Hi there!  DH and I did EXACTLY as you plan about a year and a half ago.  I truly think you should do what you both want, and to heck with everyone else. It's YOUR wedding, not theirs.  Initially, one of my two sisters had issues with what we were planning.  She "volunteered" her then 16 year old daughter to be the flower girl (WTF was that? Flower girl at 16?) then, she offered to do "everything" for the wedding, is all I had to do was to show up.  I finally had to sit her down (I live in Atlanta, and she lived in DC, so just doing that was a big event) and told her: Listen, sis, I know that you want me to be happy, and I know you want to throw us the big party, but if you throw it, it will be YOUR reception, not mine.  We just don't want to do it this way.  What we ended up having was a DW wedding, on a beach in Key West, with no guests, no attendants. It was wonderfully intimate and romantic. I would never have wanted it any way else.  Seriously, you may have to do the same thing I did with my sister. Maybe less emotionally than happened when you "blew up" at them.  If they don't come around, oh well, their problem.  Do what YOU TWO want.  I'm also over on the Second Weddings board, so a lot of us face the same things you're facing--people will say rude things like "well, you're not going to wear WHITE are you?"  You must master the "icy look of death" that most of us second wedding brides have perfected.  But then reply just as sweet as you can.  "Why ever would think to say something like that out loud?"  Or "why would you let what we do bother YOU?"  Best wishes, I hope things get better for you.

Catwoman708

"Do what you want" is code for "I don't get a say and I don't like it, I'll be hurt to not be invited, but just make up your mind and plan something already". I'd at least invite the immediate family to join you at the courhouse for a very small wedding. Then take everyone out to eat afterwards at the nicest restaurant you can afford. To appease your mother, maybe you could include her in some part of your plan, if that's what she wants, and if you can do something together without having an argument. Like spend the day with her shopping for a casual "wedding" dress, picking out a few simple flowers, or take her to lunch to try out restaurants.

handfast4me

And I forgot to add that my DD went to the courthouse a few weeks ago--alone with her now DH.  They did it for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was the MOG was trying to take over the wedding planning, and it was turning into something neither of them wanted.  Again, it's you and your FIs day, so if you want a private ceremony, as DH and I did, and my DD and her DH did, then that's up to you.  I see a lot of brides on these boards who have acquiesced to someone else's wishes and regret it. I regretted it for my first wedding, in 1985--I did a lot of stuff that my parents and his parents wanted to do. I wish I hadn't bowed to their pressure.  So, learn from my mistake without making your own.

simplycee

Between my daughters and I, 'do what you want' is code for "I don't like/approve what you're doing, but you're an adult and it's your life and your decision to make". This came about a few years ago, when my youngest daughter was 19 and dating a boy I very strongly disliked. I wanted her to end it and she wanted me to approve of it. After a very heated discussion, we finally came to an agreement: she was an adult who was allowed to make her own decisions, but I was also an adult who did not have to like those decisions.At your ages, your families should be able to respect your right to make your own decisions concerning your lives.

simplycee

Also, if I may give you the same advice I gave my own daughter concerning her wedding: to what YOU want.  When I got married 28 years ago, I bent over backwards trying to please everyone else. At the end of the day, everyone was disappointed.  Both mothers complained the wedding favored the other family (we were interfaith married) and my wedding only barely matched the vision I originally wanted. If I had at least followed my own vision, both mothers probably would have still complained, but at least I would have been happy. Lesson learned: you can't please everyone, so at least strive to please yourself.

mob2006

They do mean it when they say "do what you want".  They are telling you they accept your decision but they don't like it.  This may be the best you get from them.  You can't make them feel about your wedding the way you do.  They have a very different perspective and you can't change it.  They have the right to feel as they do; just like you have the right to feel the way you do.  Of course it's going to be difficult when people feel as differently as you and your parents do.  There's really no "should" about it. Have the wedding you want!  If they bring it up again in future, tell them firmly that you will not discuss your wedding with them any more.  It's in the past and needs to remain there.  Tell them if they can't respect your decision enough to not bring it up again, it will affect your future relationship with them.  Hopefully, they'll get the picture and stop.

chosen175

Thanks, everyone. I think it's probably best to just not discuss things related to the wedding with my family. They will try to change my mind up until the minute I'm halfway down the aisle and I'm of the mindset that they had their turn and now it's my turn. Oh and mob2006, that quote in your siggy has always been one of my favorites. :-)

Truchana

Seriously, family and friends take weddings far too seriously.  It's a  one day event that costs a fortune.  The focus should be on your marriage and remind your parents of that.  You need to do exactly what you want to do. It may not be what your parents would want, but they can't force you to do anything.  Simply say to them, thank you for supporting our decision.  Although its fun to plan a wedding, once the day is over, it's over and life moves on...

Quetesh

We are planning a destination wedding, we recently moved away from our hometown.  My best friend lives in Mississippi, I live in Louisianna, the majority of the family is in Missouri and his best man is in Texas....  My family is dissappointed, but I never wanted the big shin dig...  They know me that well not to argue.  My grandmother is the other story though.  She has offered to pay for 1/2 the wedding if we throw a huge wedding in KC and does not want us to wait until August.  She is constantly criticizing everything we want our wedding to be.  I like to make everyone happy and this has been a very big problem for me.  I finally had to stop telling my grandma what our plans are and will just send the invitation.  My dress went on sale for 50% off and I was so excited (only 300 after taxes!), I mentioned it to her and she made a statement to the effect of "why get a dress when you don't want a big wedding".   Why is it a mandate to have a huge wedding to her?  The fiance wants a big party and that's where the large reception comes into play.  He has more friends than family and we figured this was a compromise (small wedding, huge reception the next year).  We plan on making it more formal than a normal wedding reception. 
Know that you cannot make everyone happy and sometimes you can only discuss your ideas with your accepting family/friends.  In the end make yourself happy, it is worth it!

mishy112

First, I agree with the others about doing what you want! I say go for the private DW!  We are doing the same thing for some similar reasons, though luckily both our families are okay with it (even found out FI's parents eloped!).  I would encourage you to think about doing some kind of reception after you get back though, even if it's just family and friends to whom you're close.

If you are usually the person who smoothes things over, they may be surprised that you're not willing to give in, along with feeling hurt or sad about missing it. However, my guess is that underneath it all, they want you to have your dream wedding, even if it's hard for them to accept what that is. They may be acting this way for the slight chance that you'll change your plans, and may be completely okay once they realize you won't change your mind. Or, they might not, if they hold grudges? But, in the end, it's your day, and I think you and FI should do what you want!

occbyem

Hi Lisa,

Sounds like your in the middle of the kind of family situation that weddings often bring about, but no one asks for.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with all the negative emotions as you plan for something that is important to you and your fiance.  As a wedding planner, I see a lot of this with families.  

I encourage you to plan the ceremony you want (destination or otherwise) because it really is between you and your finace.  But, keep in mind that your family, for whatever reasons, really does want to be involved.  It sounds like the brunch may be a great compromise.  In fact, if you really don't care about having a reception, let your family have their way on this one and throw you the party of their dreams.  This might sound a bit over the top to you right now, but if you really don't care, in my experience, it is better to preserve relationships in the long run rather than fighting over every wedding detail.

Recently I spoke with a bride who eloped because they didn't want to deal with family pressures.  In retrospect, she wished for a different wedding experience AND the family is still hurt.  Sit down with your fiance, decide what your wedding would look like in an ideal world, then decide what is not all that important to you.  The things that aren't important are where you can start to compromise.

Hope this helps!

Emily