how do i approach her? little long (sorry)

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

ok not really sure how to go about this so could use some advice. One of my bridesmaids just had a baby about two weeks ago (yah!) im so happy for her and have greatly appreciated the fact that during my early stages of wedding planning.she was one of the few people i could go to to talk about wedding stuff. (fi didnt care to talk about it too much at that point and no motherly figures if you know what i mean) and at that point she was only like two months pregnant. Well as she got deeper in the pregnancy i really tried to lay off saying the "w" word to her too much bc i know that she was more concerned with baby stuff. 

I tried to be supportive and show i cared by u know checking on how apps go, picking out a name, planning her a baby shower, etc. I did try to keep her involved though by asking her if she wanted to go dress shopping or little things like that and when she declined i didnt fuss or get mad and just said its ok.

 Lets fast forward to a week ago. I know its not right to plan ur bach party but just to see where evryone stood i asked for opinions on what they had in mind thru a txt message.(i didnt want to bug everyone if they were busy by calling) well the next day my fi best man ( bridesmaids husband) tells my fi that i need to lay off asking about wedding stuff and leave her alone and back off. did i do something wrong? that same night my fi comes home from visiting with them and tells me that she has said things to people like she wishes id just get mad at her and drop her from the wp, and she wants me to shut up talking about it, and she wants to step down from the wedding party,and she's been saying it for months! im seriously confused and shocked bc she never came to me and said anything! 

That upsets me the most.If she felt this way why not come to me and say something. im not a bridezilla and if she felt like i was pushing too hard i would have gladly backed off. (i still don't see how i was being too pushy, but if it would help id say i was.) she hasn't spoken to me period since the night i txted her. 

How do i approach her? im kinda nervous about talking to her because i don't want to say anything mean bc my feelings are still kinda hurt that she said such mean things about me and pretty much was acting all excited and interested when she was around me and acted different around everyone else. What do i do?

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

im just really confused bc i dont know what i did to make her feel that way and why she didnt come to me when she started feeling that way.

MairePoppy

Your friend's baby is only a few weeks old and is not on a schedule, yet.  So she is still recovering from the birth, isn't getting much sleep, is hurting in places that she didn't know existed and probably has to plan ahead to take a shower or prepare a meal. A new baby is a big adjustment for most people. You sent an email about a party to a woman who is probably so exhausted that she can't think straight, right now.

Most new moms and dads appreciate a home made meal. Make a casserole for them and ask when you can drop it off. While you're there offer to watch the baby so she can take a shower or a nap. Don't bring up your wedding or bp, while you are there. If she refuses your help, send the casserole with your fi.

Keep in mind that you are receiving this information second and third hand. Don't rely on it being accurate.

Good luck.

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

so am i supposed to act like nothings happened? my weddings in two months but thats beside the point i really just need some advice on how to approach her and get this settled before then. i dont want that tension flyiing around on our wedding day.

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

or lose a friendship in the process

artbyallie

Wow, that's really hard to read with the lack of paragraphs; it took me a few tries but I think I get the picture. Your friend is stressed and busy. As Maire suggested, maybe offer to help with cooking or something and don't breathe a word about the wedding for at least another month. You may have to get used to the idea of not having a b-party because she may well be too busy to plan one.

Then again, you don't know whether someone else might be handling that. While you can't plan one for yourself, you can ask your female friends if they want to get together for drinks/dinner/girls night. Just plan to pay your own way.

I know the wedding is so close that it's the only thing you can see right now, but you have to understand that your friend doesn't feel that way. Babies trump weddings most of the time, especially when it's someone else's wedding. You can't expect her to be as excited as you are about yours.

Remember that this girl was your friend before your wedding and you want her to still be your friend afterward. Don't do something that will mess that up. (Hint: kicking her out certainly will) Don't rely on hearsay and don't bring it up. If she truly feels too overwhelmed to be in the wedding, she will drop out on her own. Please don't take it personally if she does decide to.

AdeleDazeem

Yes... for right now, you are supposed to act like nothing happened.  Truthfully, you have no idea what happened because all your information is second or third hand.  Like you said, if she was having problems, wouldn't she have told you herself?

I love the idea of bringing her a casserole, offering to watch the baby for twenty minutes so she can take a shower, and basically just back off on wedding talk or any confrontrations.  I know you think dealing with this "situation" right now is the best thing, but she's on edge with no sleep and a new baby that I'd bet it will get out of control very quickly due to frayed nerves on her part.

Let her recover.  Play with your other BMs.  Sometimes the best thing is to take a deep breath and realize not everything is about you.

blush64

From the sound of the post it doesn't seem like you did anything to make act that way. She is an adult and tired or not should be quite capable of telling you how she feels.

A new baby is not a free pass to be a jerk. IF what people have said about her is true.

At this point I don't think there is much to do. I would no longer discuss anything about the wedding with her but I wouldn't be saying sorry if I hadn't done anything wrong. (only you would know that for sure) Leave her alone about things for now. 

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:1d7c5b96-3255-4752-a4b9-029e3374cf5e">how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]ok not really sure how to go about this so could use some advice. One of my bridesmaids just had a baby about two weeks ago (yay!) im so happy for her and have greatly appreciated the fact that during my early stages of wedding planning she was one of the few poeple i could go to to talk about wedding stuff. (fi didnt care to talk about it too much at that point and no motherly figures if you know what i mean) and at that point she was only like two months pregnant. well as she got deeper in the pregnancy i really tried to lay off saying the "w" word to her too much bc i know that she was more concerned with baby stuff. I tried to be supportive and show i cared by u know checking on how apps go, picking out a name, planning her a baby shower, etc. I did try to keep her involved though by asking her if she wanted to go dress shopping or little things like that and when she declined i didnt fuss or get mad and just said its ok. Lets fast forward to a week ago. I know its not right to plan ur bach party but just to see where evryone stood i asked for opinions on what they had in mind thru a txt message.(i didnt want to bug everyone if they were busy by calling) well the next day my fi best man ( bridesmaids husband) tells my fi that i need to lay off asking about wedding stuff and leave her alone and back off. did i do something wrong? that same night my fi comes home from visiting with them and tells me that she has said things to poeple like she wishs id just get mad at her and drop her from the wp, and she wants me to shut up talking about it, and she wants to step down from the wedding party,and shes been saying it for months! im seriously confused and shocked bc she never came to me and said anything! and that upsets me the most.If she felt this way why not come to me and say something. im not a bridezilla and if she felt like i was pushing too hard i would have gladly backed off. (i still dont see how i was being too pushy, but if it would help id say i was.) she hasnt spoken to me period since the night i txted her. how do i approach her? im kinda nervous about talking to her because i dont want to say anything mean bc my feelings are still kinda hurt that she said such mean things about me and pretty much was acting all excited and interested when she was around me and acted different around everyone else. What do i do?
Posted by JessicaCrystalGailAmerson[/QUOTE]

<div>I third Maire's advice.</div><div>
</div><div>If you want to settle this situation and STILL maintain a friend you <u>need to ignore</u> what she has rumored to be said about you and try to extend an olive branch that you do care about her and that you wanting to know what you were doing for your bachelorette party was just an unintentional mistake.  </div><div>
</div><div>Like Maire said, this woman is a new mom and is probably very irritable and I actually WOULD give a pass because everyone has their breaking point with certain topics and when your tired, sore, stressed, and not feeling great it can easily snap. Obviously, weddings was hers and went you texted her, she just was not in the mood. </div><div>
</div><div>If you are wanting advice in how to give her the "Do you want to be a bridesmaid still?" speech you are out of luck, because there isn't one without making tension between you even <em>worse</em> and the possibility in damaging the friendship. Which I doubt you want either, so suck it up, ignore the second hand information, and do something nice for this girl to take the tension out and when things calm down for her just chat with her about regular stuff and don't mention wedding stuff.</div><div>
</div><div>Not sure if you picked dresses out or not, but if she has her dress then all she needs to do is be there the day of your wedding in it. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:6c1b3d94-a678-47f4-97ac-2bbfc68d2c72">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]so am i supposed to act like nothings happened? my weddings in two months but thats beside the point i really just need some advice on how to approach her and get this settled before then. i dont want that tension flyiing around on our wedding day.
Posted by JessicaCrystalGailAmerson[/QUOTE]

Yep, I would act like nothing happened.

Picture this scenario: You haven't had more that 2 hours sleep at a clip for over two weeks because this little baby that you love, but don't understand, is an eating/pooping/crying machine. You're sure you're not doing something right, but you can't figure it out. Your boobs and your bottom are leaking and/or hurting. Your're crampy. Your hair is dirty, your husband is cranky, everyone is hungry. No one has time to cook anything or shop for anything. You wonder if things will ever be normal again. Your best friend sends you a message asking if you are planning a party for her. You start to cry, your husband gets frustrated and shoots his mouth off at your friend's fi.  

Give your friend a pass. How do you know that her husband and your fi repeated what she said accurately? Or that she wasn't having the worst day of her life. In September, call your friend and ask her if she needs any special accommodations to be able to stand in your wedding.

em01092

Ditto PPs. 

Can you please use proper spelling, capitalization, and punctuation in your future posts, along with paragraphs? Your post was very difficult to read. 

covejack

She just had a baby.  Cut her a break.

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

sorry about the paragraph thing wasnt really paying attention..but i was there when the child was born and like i said i tried to be supportive. and i have decided to back off for a while..hopefully things will work out

RanwaP

Question to the other posters- Why is it okay to say "cut her a break she just had a baby", but "cut her a break she's a bride" is evil?  

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:0c91d050-b925-4817-a171-ebd2dcc01b41">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Question to the other posters- Why is it okay to say "cut her a break she just had a baby", but "cut her a break she's a bride" is evil?  
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  Having a baby is the most important thing that can happen in a woman's life, not her wedding.  A wedding is a party...a one day party.  Having a baby actually has an effect on a woman's emotions and hormones and exhaustion level and stress level that planning a wedding does not.  I would completely understand if a woman who just had a baby started crying over nothing (hello hormones!) but if a bride starts crying over the wrong shade of green...well that just makes me laugh.

OP - listen to all PP.  Act like nothing happened, go and visit her, take her some yummy food and gush over her baby.  Like it was stated earlier, all of your info is second or third hand.  Give it a while and let her get settled with her little one.  After a few months then ask her how she is feeling about your wedding and such.
 
Oh and I know you said you were just trying to get a feel for how your girls are feeling about your bach party but you really shouldn't have asked at all.  They don't have to throw you a bach party...it is not required...and you asking just makes you look pushy and greedy.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:0c91d050-b925-4817-a171-ebd2dcc01b41">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Question to the other posters- Why is it okay to say "cut her a break she just had a baby", but "cut her a break she's a bride" is evil?  
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]

Having a baby messes with your hormones, your body, your sleep schedule, and well... basically EVERYTHING. It is involuntary stress. It changes things more than emotionally, there are hormonal, physical and chemical changes. These cannot be hellped.

A bride does not go through any of this and any stress she incurs is often voluntary stress. Even if something is stressing her out, it's usually something she is LETTING stress her out. She is not going through any kind of physical change/stress.

sarahsaturday2701

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:d0b8c99a-b859-4d51-93ee-406225d0b18a">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : Seriously?  Having a baby is the most important thing that can happen in a woman's life, not her wedding. Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:d636df23-fe05-4e1f-acd7-4fa961662a48">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : Not necessarily.
Posted by PippyJ1027[/QUOTE]

Yeah... that line rubbed me the wrong way, too.

What it comes down to is this: weddings are in no way the same as babies.  Babies wreak havoc on your life, your body, your sleep schedule, your boobs, your ability to eat/shower at the times you'd like, and you even have to take a leave of absence from work.

If your wedding is doing similar things to you, then you have gone WAY overboard and need to dial it down.

A baby is another human being.  A wedding is a party.  Yes, I totally give a pass to a woman who just had a new baby for acting crazy, especially if it is her first.  But, no pass to a bride who is planning a party.  It's a party - get a grip.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:d636df23-fe05-4e1f-acd7-4fa961662a48">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : Not necessarily.
Posted by PippyJ1027[/QUOTE]

<div>I call BS. Creating and Birthing a HUMAN being is a billion times bigger then a wedding. Understand that a wedding is MAINLY just a party for a couple getting married. You can easily get married under 30 min JOP and voila life goes on with some adjustments. When you are pregnant, you have MAJOR changes going through your body and for some people mind (mood swings, etc). Then when you have the child your life has MAJOR changes and adjustments because now you are taking care of a helpless living thing that needs your care and attention 24/7. There is no contest here, being pregnant is way more stressful and important than a wedding can ever be. </div>

sarahsaturday2701

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:2517dafc-2467-41c1-bf38-d58a9ff7b7e7">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : I call BS. Creating and Birthing a HUMAN being is a billion times bigger then a wedding. Understand that a wedding is MAINLY just a party for a couple getting married. You can easily get married under 30 min JOP and voila life goes on with some adjustments. When you are pregnant, you have MAJOR changes going through your body and for some people mind (mood swings, etc). Then when you have the child your life has MAJOR changes and adjustments because now you are taking care of a helpless living thing that needs your care and attention 24/7. There is no contest here, being pregnant is way more stressful and important than a wedding can ever be. 
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

My response was to the line of thought that having a baby is the most important thing that can happen in a woman's life, not necessarily the wedding/baby comparison.  To some women having a baby is the defining moment of their life, others choose not to have children, or have them but have other "moments" that are just as important to them.  Again not necessarily a wedding, but I did not like the sentiment that giving birth is THE most important thing to happen in any woman's life.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:d1102c30-6f5a-43b7-9491-6fb6aa0d613f">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : My response was to the line of thought that having a baby is the most important thing that can happen in a woman's life, not necessarily the wedding/baby comparison.  To some women having a baby is the defining moment of their life, others choose not to have children, or have them but have other "moments" that are just as important to them.  Again not necessarily a wedding, but I did not like the sentiment that giving birth is THE most important thing to happen in any woman's life.
Posted by PippyJ1027[/QUOTE]

Yup, that is where I was coming from, as well, Autumn,

Sorry for the misunderstanding!

AutumnFair

My apologies then Pippy, I thought you was comparing Wedding/Baby since that was the new question being debated.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:d1102c30-6f5a-43b7-9491-6fb6aa0d613f">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry) : My response was to the line of thought that having a baby is the most important thing that can happen in a woman's life, not necessarily the wedding/baby comparison.  To some women having a baby is the defining moment of their life, others choose not to have children, or have them but have other "moments" that are just as important to them.  Again not necessarily a wedding, but I did not like the sentiment that giving birth is THE most important thing to happen in any woman's life.
Posted by PippyJ1027[/QUOTE]

My apologies for not wording myself correctly.  I was trying to state that having a baby was 100% more important then a wedding.  I guess the question of the new mom compared to a stressed out bride just kind of threw me into a holycrapareyouserious moment.

baker2sn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:9c878b42-d87d-4da2-904d-fcc130e68f10">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Your friend's baby is only a few weeks old and is not on a schedule, yet.  So she is still recovering from the birth, isn't getting much sleep, is hurting in places that she didn't know existed and probably has to plan ahead to take a shower or prepare a meal. A new baby is a big adjustment for most people. You sent an email about a party to a woman who is probably so exhausted that she can't think straight, right now. Most new moms and dads appreciate a home made meal. Make a casserole for them and ask when you can drop it off. While you're there offer to watch the baby so she can take a shower or a nap. Don't bring up your wedding or bp, while you are there. If she refuses your help, send the casserole with your fi. Keep in mind that you are receiving this information second and third hand. Don't rely on it being accurate. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I agree, do this or something along these lines. I empathize with you in the sense that your wedding is only two months away and you're freaking, but a baby is more important than your wedding. Don't mention it for a month or so and see how things go. And definitely don't rely on the information being accurate if it isn't coming straight from her.

KatyRoseM

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:0c91d050-b925-4817-a171-ebd2dcc01b41">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Question to the other posters- Why is it okay to say "cut her a break she just had a baby", but "cut her a break she's a bride" is evil?  
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]

Maybe its just me but I try to cut those I love a break for things like weddings, or babies, or finals, or most things.  If a bride is being horrid there is a point when it is too much, when a mom is being horrid there is a point when its too much.  The point may be different but they both get a break. 

Also, if my friend cried over the wrong shade of green I would not think she was crazy, maybe misplacing her feelings but that happens to everyone.  I would cut her a break and try to talk to her about why she was so upset.l 

artsmom1120

Do you expect her to go to the bachelorette party or were you just sending out a text to everyone to get a feel of who could go and when? Two months is a short time until your wedding, only a few more weekends for the bach party. I think it was fair of you to send a message to everyone and I understand why you would be upset about the things she allegedly said. But, maybe she thinks you expect her to be there, and if you do, you shouldn't!

 If it were me and I just gave birth and I felt someone wasy telling me, "You have to come to my bach party next month" My first thoughts would be "How will I work out the feeding schedule? I've never left the baby, it will be too hard! What if the baby needs me?" Not to mention being self concious about looks.

 I agree with the casserole idea. If it were me, I'd go over (call first) and take her food, try to help her if you can, maybe even offer to stay a while so she can nap? Then I'd say to her, "I understand things are more difficult for you right now, I just want you to know that I lover you, you are my friend, so I like to keep you involved with all my wedding stuff. BUT, I totally understand that you have a new baby and my wedding comes in second. Please don't feel like you have to do anything for me and if I'm talking too much about it let me know. I only want you involved because you are my friend, but you're happiness is important too. So, skip the bach party!" From what it sounds like to me is that she might be overwhelmed by everything that is expected of her. Good luck!

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_approach-her-little-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:11f97a1c-1c24-4769-a082-9f62e3113b1aPost:0c91d050-b925-4817-a171-ebd2dcc01b41">Re: how do i approach her? little long (sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Question to the other posters- Why is it okay to say "cut her a break she just had a baby", but "cut her a break she's a bride" is evil?  
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]

Not evil, just insensitive and self-centered.  OP, not referring to you, just answering the question.