MOG Troubles.....

Kylieskakery

I am in desperate need of some MOG help..

I really dont know how to handle my FMI.. She seems to either have a problem with everything I'm doing in planning this wedding or can't seem to handle getting her own dress to look right..

I all started with the guest list..(Keep in mind that my dad is paying for EVERYTHING except the Rehearsal dinner.) First  she had issues with how many people their side could invite. Which I feel if she wanted the extra people that she could cough up some of her own money rather than expecting my parents to pay for her random work friends to come.. That just her first spree of complaining.
Next it's time to order invitations.. My mom and I sat down and decided the wording of the invitations and ordered them. In my opinion, if my parents are paying for the entire wedding and it is taking place in the state they live in then they are the host parents.... right? Well not according to my FMI... She has seriously thrown a huge temper tantrum because her name wasnt on the invitation. She even went so far as to tell my fiance that "i'm not coming to the wedding then!" .... The worse part is that my fiance is a huge mama's boy and will take his mothers side on ANYTHING! She even called my mom to tell her how upset she was that her name wasnt on the invitation.. and told my mom that she thought they were supposed to pay for everything even the RD.
Problem #3.. Her dress.. so my mom and I are at the florist and I call my FMI and ask her to text me a picture of her dress.. Oh my gosh! I got a picture of a dress that did not remotely work with the wedding colors and it was DARK NAVY/ LOOKS BLACK dress with FULL SEQUINS! I bout killed her.. she knows the colors of the wedding and that navy is not remotely one of them.. and come on.. who wears as the MOG a FULL sequined dress.. and this was yet another situation that my FH took his mothers side and got mad at me for saying something to him.. 

Idk what to do anymore.. am I wrong for these things?? what do I do? and how do I handle a fiance who ALWAYS takes his mom's side? 

skippylouwho

Her dress doesn't have to be in wedding colors. 

MairePoppy

1. Your parents are paying for the wedding and therefore they get to decide how many guests will be invited.

2. Your parents are the hosts of the wedding reception. You are correct that it is traditional to put the hosts names on the invitation. So technically you are correct there. FMIL has no right to complain. However, most invitations that I receive list the groom's parents,also, as in:

                   Mary and John Kakery
 invite you to attend the marriage ceremony of their daughter
                            Kylie Anne
                                  to
                            John Adam
       son of Patricia and James Jones
                  blah blah blah blah blah

Your FMIL may have recieved similar wedding invitations. Are you obligated to mention her on the invitations? NO. But it's a nice courtesy to extend to the groom's parents. It's your parents call, though.

3. You are wrong to be upset over FMIL's dress. The MOB/MOG may wear whatever the wish. They do not have to match or compliment each other, the wedding party or the decor. They should choose a style, length, color (except white or ivory) that suits their own individual styles and matches the formality of the wedding, i their own opinion. If for some reason her dress is over the top, she, not you will look out of place.

4. If your Fi is ALWAYS taking his mom's side over yours, then you need to seek couple's counseling. He needs to learn how to cut the apron strings. You need to learn how to pick your battles.

chrryblndchick

I was with you until the dress comment. She is a grown woman and can dress herself. If she looks ridiculous, then 1) she looks bad, not you, 2) no one is going to be looking at her anyway and 3) nothing says she has to even remotely match your colors. The only rule here is that she shouldn't wear white and even then you can't tell what she can and cannot wear.

I'm still fairly new to the wedding stuff, but I believe if your parents are paying for everything then they are the ones hosting and therefore they get their name on the invite. If I'm wrong, please correct me. Although I can kind of understand her point of view, as the invite is a good keep sake and it would have been nice for her to have her name on her son's wedding invitation.

If she's not paying for anything then she doesn't get a say in the guest list.

The fact that your FI is taking her side on everything is a huge problem that needs to be nipped in the bud right now. They both need to understand that by getting married you now come before his mother as you and him are starting your own family. By not being in your coroner he's setting a very bad precedent for your future together. What's going to happen down the road when you have big life choices to make? Is her opinion always going to trump yours? What if she wants you to name your child Banana Hammock? Is his going to take her side then?

Finally, stop talking about the wedding to her. Then she won't have anything to complain about.

Maggie0829

Ok your first two points are understandable but as far as what she wears...she can wear whatever she wants...it does not have to coordinate with your wedding colors and you cannot tell her what she can wear.

Honestly, I would be more worried about your FI and the fact that he can't/won't stand up to his mother.  This will cause serious issues in the future.

I would stop sharing any details with her regarding your wedding.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13eeb362-4569-492b-a3ae-956bf1375310Post:a26f0523-4d92-482a-b6aa-eefbce8cc31c">Re: MOG Troubles.....</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Your parents are paying for the wedding and therefore they get to decide how many guests will be invited. 2. Your parents are the hosts of the wedding reception. You are correct that it is traditional to put the hosts names on the invitation. So technically you are correct there. FMIL has no right to complain. However, most invitations that I receive list the groom's parents,also, as in:                    Mary and John Kakery  invite you to attend the marriage ceremony of their daughter                             Kylie Anne                                   to                             John Adam        son of Patricia and James Jones                   blah blah blah blah blah Your FMIL may have recieved similar wedding invitations. Are you obligated to mention her on the invitations? NO. But it's a nice courtesy to extend to the groom's parents. It's your parents call, though. 3. You are wrong to be upset over FMIL's dress. The MOB/MOG may wear whatever the wish. They do not have to match or compliment each other, the wedding party or the decor. They should choose a style, length, color (except white or ivory) that suits their own individual styles and matches the formality of the wedding, i their own opinion. If for some reason her dress is over the top, she, not you will look out of place. 4. If your Fi is ALWAYS taking his mom's side over yours, then you need to seek couple's counseling. He needs to learn how to cut the apron strings. You need to learn how to pick your battles.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This!  Especially #4.  It might not seem like that big of a deal now, but this can become a MAJOR problem in your marriage.  What's going to happen when you have children and your MIL doesn't agree with how you want to raise them?  Is your FI going to take her side too and completely undermine your authority as a parent?  We're not saying your FI needs to abandon his mother (because she'll blame you for it), but he needs to learn to be independent of her and put on his big boy pants.

calliopeia2013

Agree with PPs that the dress thing is not your problem.  MOGs don't have to wear wedding colors, and even though sequins are tacky, it'll just make her look bad, not you.

The rest of this needs to be dealt with with your FI.  Your FI needs to be behind you 100%; anything less is grounds for couples counseling, and fast. 

I don't want to be doomy and gloomy- but that is one of the fastest tickets to a failed marriage there is.  Honestly, if what you're describing is true and not an exaggeration (that he takes his mother's side on everything) my honest advice would be to call off the wedding until you get enough counseling to feel confident that he's going to put the new family you're creating together first.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13eeb362-4569-492b-a3ae-956bf1375310Post:95c9fb69-599f-446a-8480-d335ccee944f">MOG Troubles.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in desperate need of some MOG help.. I really dont know how to handle my FMI.. She seems to either have a problem with everything I'm doing in planning this wedding or can't seem to handle getting her own dress to look right.. I all started with the guest list..(Keep in mind that my dad is paying for EVERYTHING except the Rehearsal dinner.) First  she had issues with how many people their side could invite. Which I feel if she wanted the extra people that she could cough up some of her own money rather than expecting my parents to pay for her random work friends to come.. That just her first spree of complaining. Next it's time to order invitations.. My mom and I sat down and decided the wording of the invitations and ordered them. In my opinion, if my parents are paying for the entire wedding and it is taking place in the state they live in then they are the host parents.... right? Well not according to my FMI... She has seriously thrown a huge temper tantrum because her name wasnt on the invitation. She even went so far as to tell my fiance that "i'm not coming to the wedding then!" .... The worse part is that my fiance is a huge mama's boy and will take his mothers side on ANYTHING! She even called my mom to tell her how upset she was that her name wasnt on the invitation.. and told my mom that she thought they were supposed to pay for everything even the RD. Problem #3.. Her dress.. so my mom and I are at the florist and I call my FMI and ask her to text me a picture of her dress.. Oh my gosh! I got a picture of a dress that did not remotely work with the wedding colors and it was DARK NAVY/ LOOKS BLACK dress with FULL SEQUINS! I bout killed her.. she knows the colors of the wedding and that navy is not remotely one of them.. and come on.. who wears as the MOG a FULL sequined dress.. and this was yet another situation that my FH took his mothers side and got mad at me for saying something to him..  Idk what to do anymore.. am I wrong for these things?? what do I do?<strong> and how do I handle a fiance who ALWAYS takes his mom's side? 
</strong>Posted by Kylieskakery[/QUOTE]

If you don't want to be married to a spineless momma's boy who will never put you first, there are three things you need to do.

1. Don't date a  spineless momma's boy who will never put you first.
2. Don't become engaged to a spineless momma's boy who will never put you first.
3. Don't marry a spineless momma's boy who will never put you first.

That's it. That's the only way to guarantee your H isn't a spineless momma's boy who will never put you first. Otherwise you have nobody but yourself to blame because you know exactly what you're signing up for and once you and he say "I do," you lose the right to ever complain about your H being a spineless momma's boy who will never put you first.

Easy peasy.

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:13eeb362-4569-492b-a3ae-956bf1375310Post:95c9fb69-599f-446a-8480-d335ccee944f">MOG Troubles.....</a>:
[QUOTE]  Oh my gosh! I got a picture of a dress that did not remotely work with the wedding colors and it was DARK NAVY/ LOOKS BLACK dress with FULL SEQUINS! I bout killed her.. she knows the colors of the wedding and that navy is not remotely one of them.. and come on.. who wears as the MOG a FULL sequined dress..[/quote]

It's hilarious that you're getting the vapors over this.  She doesn't have to coordinate with your wedding colors, and there's nothing inappropriate about a sequin dress.  How on earth are you going to handle any of the real problems that will come your way in life if you freak out over an article of clothing?  Before I started reading these boards, it never would have occurred to me to get upset about something like this.

Regarding the invitations, yeah, the polite thing to do would have been to include his parents' names.  I understand you didn't leave them off deliberately to insult them, and there's not much you can do about it now except apologize.

As for the other stuff, it sounds like your FMIL is out of line.  However, everything you've written here is irrelevant in light of this:

 [quote]and how do I handle a fiance who ALWAYS takes his mom's side? 
Posted by Kylieskakery[/QUOTE]

As ziti said, it really is very simple: if you don't want a spineless weenie for a husband, you can't marry a spineless weenie.  Putting a ring on it isn't going to change a thing.

kmmssg

You don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.  You are crazy if you go down the aisle without getting some counseling or something to convince him his wife comes first.  He kicks you to the curb on anything you and him mom disagree with.  That IS what your life will be like married to him.  Imagine what will happen when you have children?

You need to evaluate this relationship and you need to see that you will never win if something doesn't change.  Your FMIL is the very LEAST of your problems right now.

Please don't ignore the true problem here - if you do you will be miserable.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13eeb362-4569-492b-a3ae-956bf1375310Post:22c1cfdf-dd6b-4467-b6e0-a9b67656fad8">Re: MOG Troubles.....</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have a FMIL problem, you and an FI problem.  You are crazy if you go down the aisle without getting some counseling or something to convince him his wife comes first.  He kicks you to the curb on anything you and him mom disagree with.  That IS what your life will be like married to him.  Imagine what will happen when you have children? You need to evaluate this relationship and you need to see that you will never win if something doesn't change.  Your FMIL is the very LEAST of your problems right now. Please don't ignore the true problem here - if you do you will be miserable.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This.  You get what you pay for...and you are going to spend a lifetime with a guy who runs to soothe mama and take her side EVERY time?  I wouldn't do it.  Not on a bet.