Moms and Maids

advice for dealing with a bridesmaid please

Hello,
   I asked someone to be one of my bridesmaids because she is a long time friend. I cannot un ask her however she is not being a friend as of late. She doesn't call when she tells me that she will and she blows me off when we do manage to make plans to get together. I'm worried that she wont show up when we go looking for dresses based on her forgetfulness. I also don't feel as though she values me as a friend. I am at the point where I would rather her not be a bridesmaid but again I can't very well un ask her because that would be rude but I don't know how to talk to her and try to get her to become aware of how her actions impact me. She doesn't answer the phone when I call, she rarely responds to text messages and I can't even get her to acknowledge me when I reach out to her (to get together) on a social networking site. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because all that I get from my mom is to un ask her.

Re: advice for dealing with a bridesmaid please

  • edited December 2011
    Whatever you do, don't un-ask her.   That's a very public slap in the face, and a friendship-ending move.  Give your BM some space.  Could it be that you're overwhelming her with wedding stuff?  She has a life going on too, remember.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's good that you know that you can't unask her.

    The only thing your friend really needs to do, as your bm, is buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding. Let your bm know when you will be shopping for bm dresses. If she doesn't show up, shop without her. Give her the due date for ordering her dress and leave it in her hands. Don't forget to ask each bm what their budget is before you shop. You should choose a dress that falls in the lowest range.
                       
  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Give them all a due date for wedding-related stuff so you can be on the same page.

    Wedding-stuff aside, have you tried just contacting her about non-wedding stuff or to just hang-out and have a girls night?  Maybe she's feeling overwhelmed like covejack suggested.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-dealing-bridesmaid-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:13ff22b6-c1fc-4313-b510-ba34f4d022c0Post:ed2b9104-9b1b-4975-aca3-505f15973ebd">advice for dealing with a bridesmaid please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hello,    I asked someone to be one of my bridesmaids because she is a long time friend. I cannot un ask her however she is not being a friend as of late. She doesn't call when she tells me that she will and she blows me off when we do manage to make plans to get together. I'm worried that she wont show up when we go looking for dresses based on her forgetfulness. I also don't feel as though she values me as a friend. I am at the point where I would rather her not be a bridesmaid but again I can't very well un ask her because that would be rude but I don't know how to talk to her and try to get her to become aware of how her actions impact me. She doesn't answer the phone when I call, she rarely responds to text messages and I can't even get her to acknowledge me when I reach out to her (to get together) on a social networking site. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because all that I get from my mom is to un ask her.
    Posted by Mals12[/QUOTE]

    First, don't listen to your mom. Second, do you live near her? How about you go to her house?
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    Is she avoiding you because you are only talking about the wedding, or is she avoiding you as a friend all together?

    If you are trying to get together with her as friends and it has nothing to do with the wedding then leave her a voicemail or email her and ask her if she is ok.  Tell her that you are concerned about her and would like to get together for dinner.  No wedding talk.

    If you are talking about the wedding a lot, then let that go.  See if she is ok and if something is going on with her.

  • Mals12Mals12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I haven't been talking to her about anything wedding related. She is simply ignoring attempts to get together and hang out for a girls afternoon or evening. We are not looking at dresses yet (the plan is to look in December or January) so I know that is is not related to the wedding. I have left her messages to see how she is doing, to try and get together. I know that she has a lot going on with starting up a new business in conjunction with an existing one however she manages to see and spend time with other friends. I do live about 15-20 minutes from her however I never know where she is. As I said, she is creating a business and she spends a lot of time at her cousins, plus the way that I was raised it would be incredibly rude to just stop by unannounced. Long story short, I have not talked much with her about wedding stuff, only when she asks. I guess it is just a pet peeve of mine when someone says that they will do something and then they don't follow through and lately this has been happening a lot with her. I suppose I have no other option but to leave her a voice mail and state my concern.
  • edited December 2011
    The rudest thing you can ever do is unask someone to be in the WP. Now, that said, you need to make it clear to her that you understand she's busy and has a life, and you won't stifle her with wedding plans, but she is an important part of your special day. She needs to respect this. THAT SAID, don't say this to her unless she bails on actual wedding related stuff.

    Congrats on your big day, and good luck!
  • edited December 2011

    As I read your post I wondered if your bm was my moh! I couldnt get her to answer texts, phone calls, fb, emails, anything. I would NEVER get an answer from her.If I did Id hear oh I promise Ill call you at such n such time, and never did I would ask about her life ,her sudden divorce,  her family, her new job, anything. Not a word. I tried leaving out any wedding stuff at all, and still nothing. I hunted down  a coupon my bridal shop had put out for $100 off dresses, bridal gowns AND bridesmaids dresses.And told the girls I had them if they wanted them. She piped up requesting one.  Said she would order her dress by the expiration date. As my girls are scattered all over the country and even out of it, we had a little bit earlier deadline to order the dresses. Since they would have to come to me for me to ship them to everyone else in time. Then we were informed that our dresses have a 4-5 month turn around. the wedding is in 6 months. The coupon deadline was July 31st. She said she would order saturday the 30th. She never did. She still hasnt. When I finally nailed her down for 5 minutes of her time to ask her what was going, and if she ordered her dress,and if she still intended on being in the wedding. the story changed to well I want to still be in it but I  dont have the money to order my dress. At that point I told her that I would pay for it for her, if she gave me her measurements. That was Monday and I still have yet to hear anything from her. The deadline the girls had is August 11th.Everyone else has ordered their dresses.I am assuming that it's safe to assume she is not going to be involved in the wedding. The rest of my girls were flipping out because the shop wont order ANY of the dresses until all the orders were placed. I guess I will ask them to order by the 2nd deadline (aug 11) if she doesnt order her dress. I guess Im happy to know Im not the only one with mia friends and wedding party people.  It sucks tho :(

    You can't argue with the universe..Well, you can, it just doesn't get you anywhere.

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  • Flamingo51Flamingo51 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a similar situation with a flaky-long time friend I picked to be a bridesmaid.  I don't want to unask her, but I think this "friend" has moved from 2nd in line at the alter to last.  She isn't doing anything, and in fact she is holding back progress with the dress fittings, and bridal shower (which is in 2 months).  

    If you read this and are thinking about who to pick as a bridesmaid, WAIT and pick them closer to your wedding date.  talk with friends about wedding stuff and pick the gals that are most supportive and reliable. 
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