MIL is a polite control freak!

mireina92

My soon to be husbands mother is a polite control freak!!!!! Every time something does not go her way, she likes to remind him that she doesn't have very long to live (I'm not buying it!). He's staying with her because she had surgery 6 months ago, and she likes to pretend that they are their own little family, her,him and his kids. She planned New Years without asking if we had plans and then he felt so guilty he canceled our plans! She has money so she offered to pay for the wedding, I said no, he said yes. But I know that she's going to make it the wedding she never got!!!! This woman still thinks he sleeps on the couch when he stays at my house.

MairePoppy

Emotional blackmail is not 'polite.' If she needs care 6 months after her surgery, she should hire a health care aide. But that's not your biggest problem here.
Don't marry your fi or set a date, until he has the guts to stand up to his mom. Get couples counseling. Good Luck

mkrupar

You have a FI problem. If he's not willing to stand up to her about NYE plans what's he going to do when she butts into your lives about other more important issues. You and he have to have a serious chat before any plans are made. I would decline the money again and get your FI on the same page.

PP is right. What kind of surgery did she have that she's requiring 6 months of home care? She should be having a home care working, not her son doing the things she need.

vicki0508

I agree with you OP, you should not be taking her money.  She sounds emotionally controlling, and if your FI doesn't start to stand up for himself, and for you, it's never going to get better.

trix1223

Sorry, but I agree with mkrupar.  It appears that you're marrying a momma's boy.  She says jump and he jumps.  It's time for him to stand up for himself, and for you, and for your future.

If he doesn't start to support you, and the decisions you make together, I fear you're in for a very rough ride.  It's NOT going to get better after you say "I Do".

Three words:  Couples.   Counseling.    Now.

ETA:  to make it say "She says jump....."

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-polite-control-freak?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:15570e13-cef5-4ea2-94a8-f5beecbc634dPost:d537b269-5eb6-448d-9080-67215d176b66">MIL is a polite control freak!</a>:
[QUOTE]My soon to be husbands mother is a polite control freak!!!!! Every time something does not go her way, she likes to remind him that she doesn't have very long to live (I'm not buying it!). He's staying with her because she had surgery 6 months ago, and she likes to pretend that they are their own little family, her,him and his kids. She planned New Years without asking if we had plans and then he felt so guilty he canceled our plans! She has money so she offered to pay for the wedding, I said no, he said yes. But I know that she's going to make it the wedding she never got!!!! This woman still thinks he sleeps on the couch when he stays at my house.
Posted by mireina92[/QUOTE]

Your FI needs to wake up and realize that she is controlling him. Guilt trips, controlling where he is going for New Years, offering money to obviously control you wedding, yeah he needs a reality check. I definitely suggest couples counseling so he can find out from a creditable third party person that his mom needs boundaries and HE needs to set them and stick to them.

FYI, definitely don't give into him with accepting her money because I can already foresee more drama/problems for you in the future.

Good Luck.

ichellemay1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-polite-control-freak?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:15570e13-cef5-4ea2-94a8-f5beecbc634dPost:ec1890be-c767-446d-9c77-6a1d10866c90">Re: MIL is a polite control freak!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, but I agree with mkrupar.  It appears that you're marrying a momma's boy.  He says jump and he jumps.  It's time for him to stand up for himself, and for you, and for your future. If he doesn't start to support you, and the decisions you make together, I fear you're in for a very rough ride.  It's NOT going to get better after you say "I Do". Three words:  Couples.   Counseling.    Now.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

So totally this.  I speak from experience - it is a very rough ride.

jcamm11

Sounds like my cousin's X-MIL.  She bought them a house and kept a key for herself, coming and going whenever she pleased.  Insisted on rocking their first born to sleep everynight.  It didn't stop till they moved across the country from her.

And then she flew in for a visit and DIED while babysitting her kids - true story

Muffin'sMom

Listen to Trix.  You do not have a MIL problem, you have a FI problem.  Be afraid...be very afraid....cause that stuff will NOT stop when you get married.  People act that way because they have gotten away with it!

mireina92

Thanks guys,

She has a condition that comes back, and it always will. She has tumors on her brain. I feel that because she never got a wedding, she's going to try to have one through me! I brought up couples counseling and he agreed, but I'm not sure how receptive he's going to be when I talk about his mom. He thinks because I never had one, I just immediately love all her butting in. You gave me a lot to think about, thanks

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-polite-control-freak?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:15570e13-cef5-4ea2-94a8-f5beecbc634dPost:8c153b0c-bc7b-494a-b591-d64b8ca2169b">Re: MIL is a polite control freak!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks guys, <span style="font-style:italic;">She has a condition that comes back, and it always will. She has tumors on her brain.</span>

<span style="font-weight:bold;">If she has recurring brain tumors, your fi will probably find himself in the caregiver position, again. And the recovery time can be very long. I hope your fi has discussed her prognosis with her doctor.</span>

I feel that because she never got a wedding, she's going to try to have one through me! I brought up couples counseling and he agreed, but <span style="font-weight:bold;font-style:italic;">I'm not sure how receptive he's going to be when I talk about his mom.</span>

<span style="font-weight:bold;">I hope you will also be receptive to what he has to say. The listening should go both ways.</span>

He thinks because I never had one, I just immediately love all her butting in. You gave me a lot to think about, thanks :)
Posted by mireina92[/QUOTE]

laurenes

As others have said, this is a fiance problem. It does concern me that you noted the medical condition - reoccuring brain tumors - is ongoing. This is something that is going to have to be delicately brought up. As someone who has a mother w/ a neurological condition, it is clear that she should not be living alone. That means that your fiance needs to arrange some sort of in home care service, or he needs to have someone who can frequently check on your FMIL and possibly stay with her during the periods were the tumors do occur and after surgery care is required (depending on the severity of her condition).

Of course, many families cannot afford such care, in which case, if your fiance is the only close family member, the responsibility will fall to him. If he's not the only close family member, this means your situation will probably be even more complicated, as siblings may disagree on what kind of care should be provided and by whom.

All this being said, her emotional blackmail in unacceptable, as is his inability to get on the same page as you. At couples counseling you'll need to address both his mother's inappropriate behavior and his need to act as a partner and make decisions (such as who pays for the wedding) together, even when it comes to mom.

Essentially though, you will have three choices here. Either a) Fiance sets boundaries and gets a care provider for his mother. b) Fiance sets and keeps in place boundaries w/ his mother, but continues to be her caregiver, which means that you will always have to live close, and will probably always need to be reinforcing your boundaries, which will be difficult but is still possible. And it should be him, not you, who has to sit down w/ FMIL and explain which actions are inappropriate and will no longer be tolerate. c)  you have to break because you realize this behavior isn't going to change. Assuming you both love each other and are willing to listen and work this out, it shouldn't come to this.

Go luck!

lalap69

I'm glad that your FI has agreed to couples counselling.  I hope that you go, as I really don't think you should get married until you do.

That you don't know how receptive he'll be to you talking about his mom makes me wonder if this is going to be a surprise to him.  Have you never expressed concerns to him before?