Mom skipped out on my shower...

BBear13

When the invites first when out for my shower, she immediately RSVPd "no" to the hostesses. (For what it's worth, she lives two blocks away from the house where the shower was, could have walked there in 5 minutes.)   I never addressed it with her since I'm not the one she RSVPd too, and plus she does things like this all the time just to get attention (so that when she does show up all attention is on her for actually attending).

The day before the shower, she sent me a long email that had one sentence about me ("Have fun tomorrow) then about 7 paragraphs on how even though one bridesmaid (a family member) has "begged" her to come, she isn't because she doesn't want to be out of place (she is mad that she isn't the one throwing it, even though that's bad etiquette, so she said she feels embarrassed that she's been cut out and would feel like an imposter) She said "maybe some day" she'll "make it up to me."  She also wrote that in order to attend the wedding, she will require two of my aunts to stay with her at all times so she doesn't have to talk to anyone. Even though these aunts are travelling over 1000 miles to attend and probably want to enjoy the wedding, not play babysitter. I didn't respond because I frankly didn't know how to. 

The day after the shower, yesterday, she sent me a long email again late at night (right before I went to bed.) The first sentence asking if I got good presents, then another round of long paragraphs about how she was psychologically paralyzed in bed on Saturday and couldn't get out of bed at all and felt so sick. I was going to respond this morning, but before I got the chance she just sent me another random email about her thoughts on the NFL draft.

I am really having a hard time either not responding at all since I am upset that she didn't care to show up since it wasn't all about her and I don't think her behavior merits a response, or sending a snarky response along the lines of "if you really cared about it, you would have shown up." But, since she is probably going to be at the wedding, I am trying to keep the peace and be on my best behavior. It bothers me that she expects me to comfort her when I'm the one she should be apologizing to. 

So, I am going to respond to her, I just needed to vent a bit before writing back. I'm going to be the bigger person and tell her the shower was nice and that I hope she feels better, and leave it at that. 

Then, after the wedding, I'm going to talk to her one on one and let her know how much her behavior has been a distraction and stressor, and that if she wants me in her life she can treat me like a person, not an emotional punching bag. 

mcskatcat

Your mom sounds like a master manipulator.  I always feel bad in these kind of scenarios because I have a nice, normal, well-mannered mom, so I cannot imagine having grown up with someone as you clearly did.  That being said, I'm sure you're used to your mother behaving this way and aren't terribly shocked that she's trying to twist events to her pleasing. 

If she sends you anything else lengthy just say 'This event isn't about you, and I'm not about to make it that way."  You don't need to answer to her.  Silence might even be the best option.  She's a grown woman who wants to guild people into what she wants, so ignoring her and enjoying the presence of those who truly do care about you (those aunts that are coming from a ways!) will be much more rewarding in the end.

zitiqueen

I vote for radio silence. Anything else is just giving her what she wants. Stop being a doormat to her -- in this case (and most cases), that's what "being the bigger person" is.

kmmssg

Agree with ziti.  Your mom is baiting you and ANY acknowledgement of it is exactly what she wants.  Go with complete radio silence.'

She has always been like this, right?

MairePoppy

I third the silent treatment. I'm sorry your mom is such an insufferable narcissist. Delete her emails without reading.

BBear13

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I did ignore her emails for a few months, but all that did was give her a sob story to spin to my family - I'm a bridezilla who is being so self-centered I can't even be bothered to respond to my own mother. 

Yes, kmmssg, she has always been like this. I've actually had to post about her behavior here on the knot forums several times before. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (full blown, she has hallucinations and manic periods) when I was a child, and was on a series of progressively increased medications for most of my life. Last year, she suddenly decided to stop taking her medication (she acutally went through withdrawal) and she refuses to go to counseling, even if my siblings and I offer to go with her. 

I'm just having a hard time because my inclination is to ignore her, but 1/2 of my immediate family and the majority of my extended family are of the belief that her bad behavior is not her fault because she didn't choose to have a disorder. They are the ones who keep asking me to at least keep the peace through the wedding. (Basically, she can do whatever she wants, but if I react or ignore it, then I am agitating). They see it as she is a sick person, we should take pity on her and treat her with kid gloves. 

MairePoppy

Good luck BBear. I know what it's like to have a loved one with a mental disorder. Sometimes you have to walk a very fine line. I'll be praying for you. Have you ever considered counseling for yourself so you can figure out where to draw the line with mom? I'm sorry your going through this.

BBear13

Thanks, MairePoppy. I have thought about it, and have checked with my work insurance to see what kind of coverage is available for counseling. (They actually do cover some)

FI has even offered to come with me if I want so that he can better learn how he should interact with her in a way that is constructive, and also learn strategies for helping me get through difficult encounters with her. She's so rude to both of us. He's always been great and beyond supportive, but sometimes he feels like he just wants to call her and tell her to back off and leave me alone, and he doesn't know how else to deal when my siblings try to guilt us into seeing her when we just don't want to, and they don't listen to our reasons. 

At the end of the day I feel blessed that while my biological family is something of a mess, at least the family FI and I are building is a healthy, happy one.

missfrodo

Wow.  I'm sorry your mom went off her meds.  I gathered from your OP that she had a serious mental illness if she was "paralyzed" in bed and had such social anxieties.  My heart goes out to you, and I hope someday your mother is willing to get the help she needs again.  Maybe have someone on hand at the wedding who is willing to take your mom home/escort her out if she starts to lose it?  I 

Leenie10

I have much sympathy for you BBear. I've got a family member w/some serious issues who not only does not acknowledge her issues but really doesn't even recognize that she has them, and she regularly reeks havoc in communication &/or events planned by or with the family. Currently it's my shower that she is threatening to derail with her nonsense. All of the attention currently is going to her. It's not my mother, so in my case I can take the ignoring route some of the time but~ agree that it is hard not to react when someone is so out of line. Best of luck.

bandjwedding2012

OP- I get where you are coming from. My mom is also severely bi-polar, I have dealt with her before going off her meds and it's never pretty. At the beginning of this year she was refusing to go in and see her doctor for her yearly check up. They sometimes, though rarely, have to play with her meds once a year. The last few months have been stressful in part because of it. I finally had to tell my mom about a month ago that she can either get in and see her doctor, or that I would see her after the wedding was over. It's not something I ever wanted to tell my own mother. I'm not sure I would have kept that up, I know I would have missed her at the wedding. It got her back to the doctor though.
   Idk if that helps at all, but kid gloves don't always work and sometimes you have to put your foot down and stop being a doormat. I wouldn't respond to the emails, she's looking for your attention. If family members ask tell them it's not a topic your going to discuss and leave it at that. I hope things improve.

willywally5

I totally agree with BandJ ... I understand she has an illness that she didn't choose to have. However, you (and apparently everyone else) walking on eggshells is not the appropriate Rx for her illness. Her prescribed meds ARE, and she is CHOOSING to not follow thru with her prescribed treatment. 

Best of luck to you ... I hope she doesn't spoil any more of this special time for you and your FI. 

tanyanubin

I agree with bandjwedding. I dont see how counseling could help with something as serious as Bipolar Disorder. She needs her meds. It would probably be a good idea to tell her that she needs to restart them or risk missing the wedding, because she is being irrational. She surely doesn't know she is. The poor woman is probably horribly uncomfortable. Maybe an unlimatum like this would get her back on her meds, to everyone's benefit...most of all her own. Good luck!