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FMIL = fml

Need some advice. My FIL are not contributing to our wedding. (We're lucky we got them to agree to hosting the rehearsal dinner!) 

My FMIL has been HORRIBLE throughout our 6 month engagement. The day after we got engaged she said to : "Well I'm glad WE  don't have to pay for this wedding, thats the BRIDE'S family's responsiblity". Other examples of her rude behavior include hosting an engagement BBQ that my parents were un-invited from because she was embarassed of her house, criticising my timing on save-the-dates so she put my wedding date in her Christmas card, refusing to make the 4.5 hour trip to meet my parents, bashing my weight, and the list goes on.

As far as the guest list goes, she gave me a very large list with a lot of her friends, etc. and that list took up half the amount of people budgeted. I made lots of cuts to her list (mostly her friends and people she said "won't come"). I'm not sure who she's assumed is coming as again, she put our full wedding date in her Christmas card. 

She finally reached out to me and invited me over (which will be a very akward situation since I am so angry with her). She asked me to bring my final guest list - which I thought was extremly rude! I'm not sure why she wants it - if she wants it for a shower or something, shouldn't there be a discussion beforehand as to who is throwing the showers? If she wants it to know who of her friends are and are not coming, then thats rude. 

What do I do? do I just give her the list of her side so she knows who's cut? I'm not giving her my whole list! I'm also not sure how to ask her why she wants it?

Re: FMIL = fml

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    If she is not contributing to the wedding, your guest list is none of her business. As long as you are inviting the people your fiance wants from that side, that is what matters. I would show her her side of the list so she knows who is cut, though, just in case she needs to avoid talking about it with those who didn't make the cut. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:0d0869ab-d14e-4e59-a4ef-2c68d3a32a27">FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]Need some advice. My FIL are not contributing to our wedding. (We're lucky we got them to agree to hosting the rehearsal dinner!)  My FMIL has been HORRIBLE throughout our 6 month engagement. The day after we got engaged she said to : "Well I'm glad WE  don't have to pay for this wedding, thats the BRIDE'S family's responsiblity". Other examples of her rude behavior include hosting an engagement BBQ that my parents were un-invited from because she was embarassed of her house, criticising my timing on save-the-dates so she put my wedding date in her Christmas card, refusing to make the 4.5 hour trip to meet my parents, bashing my weight, and the list goes on. As far as the guest list goes, she gave me a very large list with a lot of her friends, etc. and that list took up half the amount of people budgeted. I made lots of cuts to her list (mostly her friends and people she said "won't come"). I'm not sure who she's assumed is coming as again, she put our full wedding date in her Christmas card.  She finally reached out to me and invited me over (which will be a very akward situation since I am so angry with her). She asked me to bring my final guest list - which I thought was extremly rude! I'm not sure why she wants it - if she wants it for a shower or something, shouldn't there be a discussion beforehand as to who is throwing the showers? If she wants it to know who of her friends are and are not coming, then thats rude.  What do I do? do I just give her the list of her side so she knows who's cut? I'm not giving her my whole list! I'm also not sure how to ask her why she wants it?
    Posted by CamilloWoman[/QUOTE]

    Also, where is your FI when FMIL is doing these things to you.  Did he explain how horrible it was of her to uninvite your parents to an engagement party?  And did he approve the cuts made to her guest list?  It is FI's mother, so he should be dealing with her and sticking up for you as needed.  I do understand not wanting to go on a 4.5 hour trip.  But if she had previously agreed to go, then backed out, I can understand how that can be frustrating.

    Your guest list is none of her business.  I would conveinently forget the list when you go over to see her. 

    Overall, since FMIL is not paying, do not share any wedding plans with her.  If she asks, just say "We have that covered FMIL, thanks for asking" or "I will discuss this idea with FI.  Thanks for your input".  Then change the subject.
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:0d0869ab-d14e-4e59-a4ef-2c68d3a32a27">FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]Need some advice. My FIL are not contributing to our wedding. (We're lucky we got them to agree to hosting the rehearsal dinner!)
    <strong>No one is obligated to pay for your wedding or RD, not your parents or his. If they volunteered, fine, if not, you and fi  are responsible for the RD and wedding. Those who are not paying do not get a say in the planning or the guest list.</strong> <strong>Since your FMIL is the host of the RD, she gets to plan that party, so I have a feeling you will regret asking her to host.
    </strong>
     My FMIL has been HORRIBLE throughout our 6 month engagement. The day after we got engaged she said to : "Well I'm glad WE  don't have to pay for this wedding, thats the BRIDE'S family's responsibility". Other examples of her rude behavior include hosting an engagement BBQ that my parents were un-invited from because she was embarrassed of her house,
    <strong>You should have turned down her offer to host the engagement party.

    </strong>criticising my timing on save-the-dates so she put my wedding date in her Christmas card,
    <strong>Yep, she's extremely rude. Those STDs should have been sent out by your parents, once the wedding guest list was finalized. You may disregard the notes she put in her wedding cards. If she notified someone that will not be invited, it's on her not you. </strong>

    refusing to make the 4.5 hour trip to meet my parents,
    <strong>This one goes to her. She was not obligated to make a trip to meet your parents. If they don't meet until the day of the wedding, all will be fine. You should probably not want to expose your family members, unnecessarily, to this rude woman.</strong>

    bashing my weight, and the list goes on.
    <strong>We learn by kinderagarten that it's not appropriate to make unkind remarks about anyone else's appearance. Your fi should set her straight.</strong>

    As far as the guest list goes, she gave me a very large list with a lot of her friends, etc. and that list took up half the amount of people budgeted. I made lots of cuts to her list (mostly her friends and people she said "won't come"). I'm not sure who she's assumed is coming as again, she put our full wedding date in her Christmas card.  She finally reached out to me and invited me over (which will be a very akward situation since I am so angry with her). She asked me to bring my final guest list - which I thought was extremly rude!
    <strong>WTH is your fi? He should show his mom the final guest list from his side and tell her that she is not allowed to invite as many guests as she wishes at someone esle's expense. He should let her know the guest list is final. Period. </strong>

    I'm not sure why she wants it - if she wants it for a shower or something, shouldn't there be a discussion beforehand as to who is throwing the showers? If she wants it to know who of her friends are and are not coming, then thats rude.  What do I do? do I just give her the list of her side so she knows who's cut? I'm not giving her my whole list! I'm also not sure how to ask her why she wants it?
    <strong>Since FMIL is lacking in social skills, turn down her offer of a shower if that's her purpose for asking for the guest list, which I doubt.</strong> <strong>Sure, give her the guest list for her side so she won't continue to discuss the wedding with people who aren't invited. She is not going to be happy about the cuts you made. That's her problem. Let your fi deal with her.</strong>
    Posted by CamilloWoman[/Quote]

    Good luck with your planning.
                       
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    I'm sorry you have to ddeal with this.  I guess I would give her the list of who is invited so she knows who out of her friends and family are invited.
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    Thanks for the advice everyone. Yes, she is very difficult to deal with. My own FI isn't a big fan of her. He does defend me and he's the one talking to her, but she throws tantrums and acts like a child, and trying to tell a child to behave like an adult is a challenging task.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:adf7a24b-fe0b-461c-a0e8-0d6cf05bed24">Re: FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL = fml : Do not folllow this advice. Do not show her the guest list.  You are not obligated to invite ANY of her friends and family.  She'll scream and throw a fit if she finds out you didn't invite them.  Do not open yourself up for this.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    Sorry Retread - but I have to disagree with you here.  I think that if you ignore this, you're really staring off on the wrong foot with your FMIL.  Is she being a difficult PIA?  Absoutely.  But please keep in mind that you are joining her family and this is just the beginning of what you will have to deal with for a lifetime.  You think this is bad?  Wait till you get married and have kids!

    Be the bigger person, sit down with her and your FI.  Have a discussion about her treatment towards you and also about the guest list.  Let her know that there are only so many guests that your budget can account for.  That you're being more than fair at allowing her X amount of guests.  That everyone is making scarifices and not getting to invite their whole wish list.  Attempt to reason with her.  If that doesnt work, then at least you can walk away knowing that you've done absolutely everything you possible can to salvage your relationship.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:35f9162b-32fa-45e4-aeb9-74a58de5f588">Re: FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Jager, she isn't paying for the wedding, and the couple is therefore not obligated to invite any of her guests. Period.</strong>  The fact that she's behaving badly makes it more important NOT to enable her bad behavior now. Husbands and wives do not join each other's families.  They leave their families and create a new one. I'm worried that this guy - only child, only son - is a mama's boy who will expect his wife to cave to his mother on everything for the rest of her life.  Expect to have her in the delivery room and at every child's birthday party and school event.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
    In a black & white world you are 100% correct.  I'm simply saying that there are other things at play here that are bigger than the wedding.  A wedding is 1 day - you preach that all the time on these boards.  But you will have to deal with this woman in some way for the rest of your life.  I think that taking a step back, looking at the big picture, and trying to salvage this broken relationship may be something to consider.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:1049b7a8-91c0-4330-bbb7-b742381e7e36">Re: FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL = fml : In a black & white world you are 100% correct.  I'm simply saying that there are other things at play here that are bigger than the wedding.  A wedding is 1 day - you preach that all the time on these boards.  But you will have to deal with this woman in some way for the rest of your life.  I think that taking a step back, looking at the big picture, and trying to salvage this broken relationship may be something to consider.
    Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

    Retread, I'm terribly sorry if I am wrong.  But I feel like what she is trying to get at is that doing so is only going to cater to mom even more.  In other words, FMIL will think that if she throws enough tantrums then her son will sit down and talk with her and she will get her way.  I know it isn't really about who wins or anything like that, but enabling FMIL's behavior is not the appropriate thing to do.

    I also don't think that they will have to deal with this woman for the rest of their lives, if they choose not to.  Their choice, but they are by no means obligated and trying to salvage a broken relationship only works when both parties are willing.
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    rsanna - I think you meant me, not Retread.  And you absolutely can disagree with me, don't apologize for it - that's what these boards are for :)

    I think I take a more pragmatic view on things and I'm just trying to point out that after the wedding you WILL have to deal with her.  Either it's your FI's decision to cut his mother out of his life (which I'd say is still something you will have to deal with and explain to your possible future children why you only have 1 grandma), or you will have to deal with her in some way.  So whichever way it goes, you WILL have to deal with it.

    OP is in no way obligated to salvage any type of relationships and yes, you are right that it takes 2 people to salvage something, not just one.

    The only thing that I'm advocating here is to think about the future and consequences of your decision today.  The wedding is one day and far more imporant are the decisions that will affect the rest of your life.
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    Jager, after OP's follow up post, she says that even her FI isn't a big fan of his mother.  That is why Retread's response is the best way to deal with her.  She is not paying for anything and has no say.  Whatever details OP & her FI give to FMIL, she will probably not be happy and continue throwing temper tantrums.  It is important that OP and her FI begin to deal with FMIL's rantings together, which is why they need to put a stop to them now by showing FMIL they will not put up with her rants.  And by learning to either deal with or stop FMIL's rantings now, they will have less consequences in the future because FMIL will realize that her craziness no longer affects OP and her FI.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-fml?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1909febb-7b48-4464-90e4-f1ec9d26856cPost:c2124a6b-6943-43b0-b58b-43e56602ff37">Re: FMIL = fml</a>:
    [QUOTE]rsanna - I think you meant me, not Retread.  And you absolutely can disagree with me, don't apologize for it - that's what these boards are for :) I think I take a more pragmatic view on things and I'm just trying to point out that after the wedding you WILL have to deal with her.  <strong>Either it's your FI's decision to cut his mother out of his life (which I'd say is still something you will have to deal with and explain to your possible future children why you only have 1 grandma</strong>), or you will have to deal with her in some way.  So whichever way it goes, you WILL have to deal with it. OP is in no way obligated to salvage any type of relationships and yes, you are right that it takes 2 people to salvage something, not just one. The only thing that I'm advocating here is to think about the future and consequences of your decision today.  The wedding is one day and far more imporant are the decisions that will affect the rest of your life.
    Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

    Haha, no I meant Retread.  Because I didn't want it come off like I was putting words in her mouth.  I just can't articulate well today.

    I also have issues with my FILs, so that is where my position comes from.  We could try all day long (with them) and they would never get how rude and horrible they are being.  And it is sadly just a fact that sometimes the only thing you can really do is to take a step back and put a buffer between toxic people.

    In regards to the bolded, I don't think that would really be much of an issue until the children were older.  My parents cut off contact with my dad's entire side of the family when I was lke 4 or 5 (except his parents), and I never once like thought twice about it or needed an explanation.  It was just kind normal. I don't know, maybe I'm putting too much of my own experiences into this.
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    twotimemobtwotimemob member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2013
    I see it that the OP and her FI have to deal with her FMIL but they also have to stick to their guns.  If FMIL throws a fit over her side of the guest list, then say "Gosh, FMIL, you have 60 guests on your list, however our budget allows you to invite only 30 guests, unless you'd like to pay for the number of guests over 30..."   

    That's basically how we had to deal with with my daughter's FMIL.  She wanted half the state of Nebraska, but didn't want to pay for her guests because "the bride's family pays, that's the way it's done".  She finally whittled her list down but was extremely pissy about it.

    P.S. Daughter's FMIL also verbally invited about 90 guests when she visited Nebraska about 6 mos before the wedding, and before the guest list was made - then had to retract about 30...awkward for her but she shouldn't have assumed an unlimited number of guests.
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    Yes, unfortunately, she is definitely manipulative and spiteful; and somehow at the same time has no idea how rude and horrible she can be as rsanna said.

    My plan is to keep discussions that they need to know about between my FI and FFIL. My FI also is going to have a talk with the FFIL and let him know that if she acts up, it won't be acceptable.

    In the future, when we move hundreds of miles away, she'll be clueless as to why, but NOT MY PROBLEM!! Wink
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    rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re:FMIL fml:[QUOTE]Yes, unfortunately, she is definitely manipulative and spiteful; and somehow at the same time has no idea how rude and horrible she can be as rsanna said.My plan is to keep discussions that they need to know about between my FI and FFIL. My FI also is going to have a talk with the FFIL and let him know that if she acts up, it won't be acceptable.In the future, when we move hundreds of miles away, she'll be clueless as to why, but NOT MY PROBLEM!!nbsp; Posted by CamilloWoman[/QUOTE]

    Haha, this sounds just like me. Though my FMIL is not the only reason we will move in a few years. I would just stick to your guns and remember FMIL doesn't deserve an explanation for your choices. If you do give herone, and she keeps pestering don't continue the conversation.
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    Just give her her side of the list. The rest isn't her business.

    And poke her in the eye.
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    Girl your FMIL and mine should get together!!!

    Your wedding guest list is NONE of her business. You have to be strong and stand for what you want to do. You have every right to say that this is my wedding and my fiance and I will decide who is invited.

    My FMIL tired to dictate who would be in the wedding party, how long the reception should be, what the bridesmaids should wear, what we should eat, the band, etc. So you are not alone!


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