I HAVE to wear what?!

AudreyMDT

Yes, this is a MOB rant.  My mother has a wedding gown for me, all ready bought and paid for when I was just a little one.  Yup.  Before I ever got engaged or even had a first kiss!

Now, I'm 26 years old and engaged to a wonderful man, and I'm wanting to plan my wedding, but my mother keeps looking at my ideas and saying "oh, but that won't go with your dress!" 

The dress is lovely, but I'm not all that fond of it. It's a big one with a long train which I'm okay with, but it's the sleeves I really don't like.  I'm just not into laced sleaves.  I asked if I could have just a bit of the dress altered to my liking (seriously, just the sleaves would be fixed... probably) and she got very, very offended. 

Of course, she is driving me nuts with more than just the dress, I have to include people I don't like, the cake I want is off the table and when I mention venues for wedding she gets all frustraited and insists I have the wedding where SHE wants it.  After all, she is paying for it.

I cannot afford a wedding, if my mother won't pay I won't have a wedding, just go down and get married. 

Am I being unreasonable to want a wedding to go at least half my way without paying for any of it??  If I am, let me know so I don't turn into a bridezilla!

vicki0508

Your mom does sound pretty controlling.  I mean, she picked out a dress 26 YEARS ago and expects you to want to wear it?  That's 100% unreasonable.

As far as cake and venues, since she's paying you probably have to let her pick.  Which kind of sucks, but you take what you can get.

You can always postpone the wedding so you and FI can save up and pay for what you want, there's nothing wrong with that!  And, there's nothing wrong with having a courthouse wedding, either.  After all, the end game is to get married, so as long as that happens, you're good to go!

But no, I don't think you're being a bridezilla, and you sound like you're going to have a rough time planning your wedding, and that blows.

AudreyMDT

Thank you for being understanding... My mom's tastes are beautiful, but no fun at all.  My fiancee and I live in Guatemala, if we saved on our own we still wouldn't have a wedding... I literally make about $250 a month! haha  Livable in this country, but forget fun things like weddings and honeymoons!

I'm trying to deal with the venues and all, but I need an idea to convince my mother into the dress thing...

MairePoppy

As an MOB, my jaw just dropped over the wedding dress thing. I understand some moms think they are going to pass their beloved dresses onto their daughters. But this particular dress isn't even an heirloom. You should tell your mom you are going to choose, and pay for,  your own dress. period. If it's possible shop for it with her.

As for the other decisions: your mom gets the final word on anything that she is paying for, if she wants it. I think your mom is being unreasonable, but it's her money, not mine. Sorry dear, but unless you can sweet talk her into doing things your way, you're stuck.

Good luck.

CassieeK

I think you will be miserable and resentful if you go through with your mother's wedding. I say "your mother's wedding" b/c she is playing wedding with you as the stand-in bride for the game.

graysquirrel

If it were me I'd have a heart to heart with my mom on this one. Explain that while you are blessed that she is generously helping you out, you want to wear the dress that you feel the most comfortable and beautiful in on your wedding day. I can't believe that she is expecting you to wear a dress from the 1980s that she picked out. That is beyond strange.

Does your mom know what modern wedding dresses look like? Does she realize that she is making you wear a style of dress that is  mocked as an "ugly 80s dress"? I would show her some pictures of modern wedding dresses and see if the penny drops. If it doesn't and she still acts like a nutter, then you have to decide if you want to decline her help. 

grcrocio

You are so right Cassieek!
 I would not accept the money from my parents or FI parents if it had strings attached. Sorry! I personally feel that it is wrong that parents act this way with their children. If you are going to do it out of love that is awesome BUT if you will do it to control the wedding..... well for lack of better words that is BS!

I personally declined to accept any money from my FI parents because his mother is power hungry! LOL... really she is the worse! She did it to FI brother and to avoid that all together I said no thanks when she started to insinuate I have to have her approve all of the wedding details.

gananoque

Your mother is cuckoo bananas. I am so sorry. But your mother sounds like a complete lunatic.

I guess technically, if she's writing the cheque, she can exercise control and have the final word, but like others have said, I personally find that style of parenting troubling and quite frankly... a bit insane!

The choice is yours now:

1. Have the wedding you can't afford and deal with the decisions your Mom makes;

or

2. Live within your means, do what makes you happy and realize that there are more important things in life than a big, fancy out-of-the-magazines wedding.

If the big & fancy is so important to you, it sounds like you'll have no choice but to compromise. But you're not going to be in for a funfilled year of wedding planning, that's for sure!

djoann958

My daughter got married in Feb and my husband and I paid for much of the wedding. My daughter has a lot of school loans and was not able to afford much toward the wedding. Her fiance was able to help alot. His parents live out of the country and were not able to help.

Even though we paid for most of the wedding, we did NOT tell our daughter and son-in-law what kind of wedding to have or where to have it. It was their wedding, not ours.We had a budget and they could stick to it or pay the difference. They upgraded the food choices and the wine and they paid for that, for example.

We gave her them the money for THEIR wedding. It was not about my husband and me- I don't understand why parents say they will pay for a wedding for their child and then attach so many strings to it.

If I were you, I would politely decline your mom's offer of paying for the wedding. Her demands are ridiculous. You will just be miserable through the entire wedding planning when you should be happy. Go to a courthouse or a church. Have a very small intimate ceremony and reception. Your wedding day should be about love and happiness not about trying to please your mother. Good luck, honey!

AudreyMDT

Thank you all for responding! 

My dress is a bit tight, but I'm losing weight anyways so it should fit by the wedding.  As for it being an ugly 80's dress, it really isn't that bad, except for the damn sleeves. 

So I spoke to my mom, and we agreed that I could put on the dress and stand in front of the mirror and explain what I wanted done and even how it could happen, she agreed to that part, whether or not she is going to agree to letting me do it is up to her.  I'll be doing that next month, probably.

We are taking baby steps here.

I cannot just say no to a wedding, my FI's family has never had weddings and I swear he excited about it and so his mother.  They come from a very poor family so this is a big deal for them; also, I guess any wedding would be better than no wedding in my book...  I've never been the type to care about having parties or a wedding before, but I do now.  It's weird.

kaitlyn&henry

My mother was very controlling at first as well...especially since her and my father were paying for majority of the wedding.

There should be compromise...since your parents are paying they do get a say and share their opinions, but to control everything and basically have it be their wedding is not ok. Getting more say in the guest list is a definite for them...but as far as picking your cake and dress is overboard.

renegade gaucho

Your mother is a controlling nutjob.  You know this, and you know whatever "gift" she gives you will have strings attached.  Yes, she's being totally unreasonable; at the same time, she has every right to act however she wants to.  You can't make her be a different person.  If you don't like the strings attached, don't accept her money.

MyUserName1

I think you should call her bluff.  If she and her famly are SO EXCITED about this wedding, tell her that if she doesn't let you make some of the decisions, you will go down to the courthouse instead.

She might prefer to have a wedding that she only gets some input in than a courthouse wedding where she gets no input.

nlindsay17

It sounds like you already decided to go along with your mother's wedding. Best of luck with that!

sarah42nd

This is a slippery slope because right now its the wedding  but whats next her controlling and meddling into her ( future) grandchildrens lives.