Moms and Maids

FMIL DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

So I'm really just posting this because I need to vent, I hold this is 24/7 and I'm at the point where if I don't get it off my chest I may tell my fiance how much I dislike his mother! From DAY ONE of our relationship, this woman has NEVER liked me...she talked to her son about once a month before I came along, and now she talks to him about once a month, but it's MY fault. This same woman who said she is wearing CREAM to our wedding, my dress is Ivory, before that she said she was wearing red which is the color of my BMs. Now I didn't tell her what she had to wear, but come on,  cream? Really lady? Well anyways, my shower was yesterday (August 21st), our invites were sent out about a month ago if not more, and we requested people call only if they couldn't come. She has her daughter (who also doesn't like me because i apparently "stole" her brother from her) tell me that she couldn't make it. My FMIL has my number, she could  have said something to me. The reason she couldn't come, because her boyfriend's daughter got married the day before. She posts on my facebook status today saying "sorry I couldn't make it".

Everyone else in his family, aside from his mom and sister, like me, they all came yesterday and had so much fun, and both families mixed really well. I felt so embarassed that she wasn't here. Thank god for his step mom...she is my real mother in law. She has been there for us since day one, when he was deployed his step mom and dad were ALWAYS there when I needed them. They sometimes drive me crazy, but I'd rather them drive me crazy every day than not have them at all!

I really wish I could tell his mom where to shove it, and to not bother coming to the wedding either...but I know I can't. My Fiance said that he's not going to say anything to his mom about the shower because "I don't want to talk to her. She brings nothing but drama into our lives", I told him how much it hurt me, but that was it. No matter what he says it's his mother, and not my place to call her every name I want to...which is why I'm posting here...I feel A LOT better!

Oh and did I mention, my parent's still have NEVER met his mom!
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Re: FMIL DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Are you saying that your fi doesn't want much to do with his mom because she brings too much drama or that he won't stand up for you? He should let her know that unless she starts treating you with respect, she will not be seeing much of either of you.

    A shower invitation is not a subpoena. The invitees are free to accept or decline. If FMIL is not nice to you, why would you even want her there? And if  the cream dress that she chose looks anything like a wedding dress, who is going to look foolish? Not you.

    You are giving your FMIL way to much control over your happiness. Concentrate on the positive relationship you have with his dad and stepmom.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    My father once called me at work with questions about my sister's birthday party. That sounds normal, until you realize my sister knew everything I knew, and was the one to make decisions for any further details, and she was right down the hall from my dad, in the same house.

    My point: Sometimes, people communicate funny. Don't read too much in to your FMIL asking someone else to RSVP for her. I have people who get confused by my voicemail set up or just don't like talking on the phone.

    As for the dress, like others said, the bride doesn't get to choose the dress of the MOG. Everyone knows that. She'll look silly, but they'll know you were the bigger person.

    Accept that your FMIL is an independent adult whose behavior you can't control. You can only control your reaction to it. Figure out how to react to it so as to maiximize your happiness in your marriage.

  • edited December 2011
    As far as the RSVP for your shower goes, I don't think its weird at all that your FMIL didn't call and tell you she wouldn't be there. I am assuming that you were not hosting your own shower so it is perfectly normal for her to RSVP to someone else.

    Try not to set your expectations of your FMIL  too high because it sounds like she will continually be disappointing you. (She sounds like the kind of person who enjoys being miserable.) The good news is that you have a great FSMIL!
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-drama-drama-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a4b9d37-7065-41a7-bb01-0ebbb44e6c64Post:53de499e-1a07-4b29-8f9e-79042a29b972">FMIL DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I'm really just posting this because I need to vent, I hold this is 24/7 and I'm at the point where if I don't get it off my chest I may tell my fiance how much I dislike his mother! From DAY ONE of our relationship, this woman has NEVER liked me...she talked to her son about once a month before I came along, and now she talks to him about once a month, but it's MY fault. This same woman who said she is wearing CREAM to our wedding, my dress is Ivory, before that she said she was wearing red which is the color of my BMs. Now I didn't tell her what she had to wear, but come on,  cream? Really lady? Well anyways, my shower was yesterday (August 21st), our invites were sent out about a month ago if not more, and we requested people call only if they couldn't come. She has her daughter (who also doesn't like me because i apparently "stole" her brother from her) tell me that she couldn't make it. My FMIL has my number, she could  have said something to me. The reason she couldn't come, because her boyfriend's daughter got married the day before. She posts on my facebook status today saying "sorry I couldn't make it". Everyone else in his family, aside from his mom and sister, like me, they all came yesterday and had so much fun, and both families mixed really well. I felt so embarassed that she wasn't here. Thank god for his step mom...she is my real mother in law. She has been there for us since day one, when he was deployed his step mom and dad were ALWAYS there when I needed them. They sometimes drive me crazy, but I'd rather them drive me crazy every day than not have them at all! I really wish I could tell his mom where to shove it, and to not bother coming to the wedding either...but I know I can't.<strong> My Fiance said that he's not going to say anything to his mom about the shower because "I don't want to talk to her. She brings nothing but drama into our lives",</strong> I told him how much it hurt me, but that was it. No matter what he says it's his mother, and not my place to call her every name I want to...which is why I'm posting here...I feel A LOT better! Oh and did I mention, my parent's still have NEVER met his mom!
    Posted by Ordnassela4[/QUOTE]

    Can you clairify this? Does he not want her in your lives at all and you're the one forcing the issue simply because they share DNA?
  • edited December 2011
    Well, good to know you came here first. It's not worth the drama, especially with an impending wedding, to stir up trouble like this. If your FMIL and FSIL don't like you, WHO CARES?!?! You mentioned your FFIL and your FI's stepmother are both great. Awesome!

    Trust me, coming from someone who spent their entire life trying to get people to like them, it's not worth it. Don't try and force a relationship. If she didn't want to come to the shower, or truly had a hangover from the wedding the night before, well then she missed out, didn't she? She sounds like a real piece of work, blaming you for your FI's sparse phone calls, and making a point to wear white to your wedding. I have always been in the opinion its the height of rudeness to wear white to a wedding where you aren't the bride, but at the same time she's an adult, and people will look at her and think "Wow, what a cow". Don't stress too much; this is not in your control. It sounds like whatever you do, they will not like you. That's just life sometimes. Just shove it out of your mind, and have fun with the rest of your wedding preparations.
  • Ordnassela4Ordnassela4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My FI doesn’t want to talk to his mom  about the shower because he pretty much just doesn’t want to hear her excuses, I think it’s because it does hurt him that she would be so involved in her BF’s daughter’s wedding but not her own son’s. I don’t think however that he doesn’t want a relationship with her, I think it’s really just that he doesn’t want to try hard with her anymore because of pretty much how she treats him. I usually don’t let this woman bother me, but the closer we get to the wedding, the more I want to slap her.

    As for her not RSVPing, I guess I did expect her to give a courtesy call that she wasn’t attending,  she even asked my FI the Friday before if her BF could come, and my FI said it was women only. I didn’t host my own party, but neither did my FSIL, my mom did, and she couldn’t even call her. It’s not like she hasn’t texted me in the past, she has, so why at this point could she not shoot me a text.

    And I haven’t pushed the whole what they’re wearing thing, because I really just don’t know what would look good on each, but until this site, both my mom and I really thought that the bride had a say in what the parent’s wore. But both my mom and FSMIL have asked me what I thought about the colors that they want to wear, and the style of dress and I gave it to them, and my FSMIL wants me to go with her to look at dresses. His mother is just not involved. And yes I can see how I’m letting this get to me, but after 4 years of being nothing but nice to this woman you would think that she would be at least NICE to me. And what if I say to him that I really hate his mom, and I can’t stand being in the same room as her, and her name makes my blood boil, I can’t say those things, it’s one thing for him to dislike his mother, completely another story with me completely bashing her. I know that if I did say those things, he wouldn’t just leave me, or yell or scream, I just don’t want to be another person like his mother, making him feel bad about things.

    Ugh, I truly have a monster in law….but I think at this point, I’m officially throwing in the towel, whether she shows up to the wedding, whether she wears white or shows up in an teeny tiny dress, I don’t have the energy to fight with this woman. But I will say this, the only thing she EVER did right in this world, was bring my FI in this world and for that reason, I’ll keep my mouth shut, and vent on TheKnot Laughing

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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I think you have a good plan. Stop trying so hard. You just can't please someone who enjoys being difficult.

    My MIL was difficult the first few years that we were married. When I finally gave up  on pleasing her, she changed. She realized that I had enough self confidence to not worry so much about her opinion. And she knew we could be happy with her or without her. Since she wanted to be part of our lives and especially first granddaughter's life, she decided it was in her best interest to play nice.

    You can let your fi know when his mom is being mean to you, without bashing her. He should stand up for you. And venting is healthy.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-drama-drama-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1a4b9d37-7065-41a7-bb01-0ebbb44e6c64Post:f77f604a-e414-40f7-b327-6fcdedf22a38">Re: FMIL DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you saying that your fi doesn't want much to do with his mom because she brings too much drama or that he won't stand up for you? He should let her know that unless she starts treating you with respect, she will not be seeing much of either of you. A shower invitation is not a subpoena. The invitees are free to accept or decline. If FMIL is not nice to you, why would you even want her there? And if  the cream dress that she chose looks anything like a wedding dress, who is going to look foolish? Not you. You are giving your FMIL way to much control over your happiness. Concentrate on the positive relationship you have with his dad and stepmom.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This...step away from her drama.  She gets a rush from the drama and the attention...don't give it to her.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    Wow I thought my FMIL was bad. I'm sorry. I feel for you.
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