Is my mom going "MOBZILLA" or am i too laid back?

OopsOreo04

The wedding is in a little less than 4 week and I think shes going insane!! We have been planning this wedding, making decisions doing a lot of DIY projects all together. She is my "wedding planner" in a way, but she is starting to drive me crazy!
 
The first thing, she got a little attitude about me not choosing a tux/suit for the fathers to wear. My FHs dad wouldnt rent a tux or be comfortable in one so i said they can wear whatever is comfortable for them. Mom freaked and was claimed my father needs to wear a tux because he is walking me down the aisle. No he does not, we are not having an incredibly formal wedding, we are having our ceremony on the beach. We got that out of the way, but i think she is still bitter about it(randomly brings it up).

Just the other day she asked what are our ring bearers wearing on their feet.....i dont care. We picked out and purchased their outfits, im not going to demand they wear a certain show, it is whatever they are comfortable in. She keeps saying i need to make these decisions so everyones not confused....Im telling them to choose themselves, i am not going to dictate outfits from head to toe!

She also has this mind set where i dont need to confer with my FH about any details...Unlike most grooms(i guess) he actually cares about details and how things look(though he doesnt want to spend the time actually DOING any of it). She says things like "well you need to make a decision" okay i need to talk to FH first and she always asks "why?" Because this is not just MY wedding it is OUR wedding. She wants me to make decisions on the spot w/o speaking to him first, I made that mistake once already and he was a little upset by it! I wont do it again!! She keeps saying "why does he care? he just shows up and smiles its YOUR day." AAHH so frustrating! 

Now today...we had my dress fitting(it fit perfectly, yay diet/exercise!!) then just discussed somethings. She brought up the day of schedule, which we are having one and making cute little print outs to go in guest bags at the hotel for everyone involved. I like the idea so no one is confused, until she started stressing about driving situations. We all have cars, we could all techniqually drive ourselves. My bridesmaids and I are going to spend the day together and drive to the location after hair/makeup to get ready. The groom and groomsmen will arrive together as well. No big deal, then she started asking about the kids(2 ring bearers 1 flower girl) and how they are arriving... They are my niece and nephew and my brother is a gm and the other ring bearer is the bm son...I assumed the two boys will ride with the groomsmen and my SIL will be with us for my FG since she is getting her hair done and would drive her over to the location. Well my mom made a big deal out of what i see as nothing, because the ring bearers get to be with the wedding party...for a 10min drive mind you...and the FG doesnt. The simple fact is my BP and I will probably be too occupied to watch a 3 year old and we dont have room in the car for a carseat....She was stressing this car situation so much that it stressed me out like i needed to decide right then and there, its not a critical detail! Which i said, and she goes into a lecture about how we need everything thought of ahead of time just so we have all our bases covered(her favorite saying)!

Am i being insensitive or is she just taking things too far? I dont see the big deal in who arrives and drives with who...It seems a little crazy to me!

ShakeUpTampa

I don't have much advice, I just wish my mom was wanting to help that much...she has been depressed the last few years and is trying to chin up but wedding talk stresses her out so I have to wait for her to initiate any conversation :-p Give her a stiff drink haha

mob2689

Oh man, she would be going insane in our situation, we are 5 weeks out as well and don't have a caterer yet nor all the reception stuff. We are having this thrown together wedding, and we have only had 3 months to do it. Maybe it's a good thing to only have a short amt. of time so we don;t stress about those "little" things.

I sometimes feel DD is laid back as well, and I just "roll with the punches"
per say, and with me being so far away from DD it's a blessing to her?? LOL
I do think your mom may be over reacting, but she is also thinking this is a reflection of her as well since I am guessing she(your folks) are the hosts of the wedding. That always goes through my head that I am hosting this and it will be a reflection of me. I also have to say there is nothing I can do either. Granted I'm not the only one hosting it but still messes with my mind. The ex is also hosting and he could careless about any of it other being happy for DD. I know it's not a reflection on me and no one will frown upon me but it should be if you are hosting.
Maybe convince her that what ever happens is not going to be  a reflection against her.

BTW I say that as well"all bases covered" must be a generational thing.

mob2689

realy throw her for a loop tell her you were thinking that the RB and FG were going to have a goth look and you were thinking about painting thier nails black, hers with pink stripes and his with a light blue stripe and for go the shoes

midgetthemighty

This sounds like a good vent. Feel better now? I hope you do!

That being said, I think your mom is being a little too organized. You are right for not wanting to dictate outfits head to toe. You are right for conferring with your FH about wedding decisions because it is a day for both of you.

I would probably try to avoid as much wedding talk with her as possible, but I know that will be difficult since you're doing everything together. If she starts to get on your nerves about every little detail, say you have it under control and change the subject.

Good luck to you!

skippylouwho

Suggest that the ringbearer and flowergirl ride with her.

You've probably already said this to her but the next time she starts the "It's your day.." stuff hit her back with "It's not all about me, it is OUR wedding - two of us are getting married, it is about US."

I also think trying to avoid wedding talk with her is a good idea, as much as is possible and reasonable. Try the bean dip on her - or change the subject to what she is wearing, how she'll do her hair, does she have her jewelry & shoes etc.

Also - why can't your dad wear a tux? If he wants to, let him - note that is if HE wants to, not if she wants him to. Just cause FFIL isn't doesn't mean your dad can't. Maybe he WANTS to look especially spiffy walking you down the aisle.

LoveMuffins

Heck if she keeps saying "it's YOUR day" then i'd just say, ,"thats' right, it's MY day and i want to ask FI" or "Yeah, it's MY day and i don't give a rat's patootie what shoes ANYONE'S wearing"

i feel your pain though. my mom is getting a little MOBzilla about the weirdest things... my BMs were talking about how much they love hats and fascinators and I reminded them that I don't care what they do with their hair and if they want to they're more than welcome to wear a hat or fascinator. When i mentioned this to my mom she FREAKED OUT and demanded that i tell them they are absolutely NOT allowed to do that. all i did was look at her like she's crazy, tell her i think it would be pretty, and then let her tell me how wrong i was while i ignored the rant. and i told my BMs absolutely nothing. don't know whether any of them will do it, but i sure as heck won't stop them.

it's been like that about several things. the main thing is, if it's something she's paying for.. .i listen and i accomodate unless it's something i feel really strongly about. but if it's something ridiculous like someone's attire... i let her talk and i ignore completely and i never ever ever ever bring it up again and i quickly change the subject if SHE does. =P

good luck!

ADTonk

Tell your mom to slow her roll.. in a nice way.  It sounds like she is getting too stressed out over the small details that no one will notice after the wedding. 

OopsOreo04

midgetthemighty  i DO feel much better now thank you :-)

@skippylouwho my dad is definately NOT a suit n tie kind of guy, let alone a tux(though he does look awsome when he wears one) Which is why i gave him the option on what HE wants to wear but i feel as though my mom is pushing him to wear what SHE wants.

@Lovemuffins it seems like she goes bonkers over the most random things! She has been very accomadationg on not demanding i do certain things because she is paying, its just pushing me to make decisions on things i dont care about. She hasnt pulled the "well im paying" card, which is AWSOME of her. I try to keep quiet and let her rant and then change the subject.

Thanks everyone else too for making me not feel like im crazy, ive definately told her to chill out and have a few drinks before she gets an ulcer! and THANK GOD for this website!! I wasnt completely thinking about a bartender/server because we are having an outdoor wedding so we dont exactly have a bar are so we were providing beer and letting people serve themselves. WHOOPS we are being married at a state park(beach) and it requires we provide a bartender if we are serving alcohol! I wouldnt have thought to ask if i hadnt been lurking so much around here!

EDIT: spelling

djoann958

I am a recent MOB and I think I can explain some of your mom's actions. Things are much different today with regards to wedding planning than when I got married (25 years ago). The MOB and the bride did all the planning. Every thing was "matchy, matchy". There was no such thing as different BMs dresses, different shoes, etc. I could go on and on.
When my daughter got engaged last year, I did alot of reading on wedding blogs, the knot, etc and realized how things have changed. Maybe she doesn't realize how different things are. I had no idea about OOT bags, groom's cakes, save the dates, etc. I also had a hard time with the BMs all wearing different shoes, jewelry etc. But it was my daughter and her fiancee's wedding, so I learned to keep my mouth shut.Well, I tried anyway.
Maybe talk to her about it from that perspective. I could be wrong, since I don't know you or your mother, but just something to think about.

phunluvin82

Her intentions are probably good, and to a certain extent, it is definitely good to think about logistical details ahead of time...but she's obviously going overboard with it. 

If I had to pick out everyone's shoes and jewelry, or dictate outfits for dads, I would go nuts!  It's always good to vent about it a bit, and she may chill out soon, once most of the details and logistics are ironed out.  But stick to your guns about not dictating every head to toe item of attire...I'm sure your WP will appreciate you for it. 

Muffin'sMom

I think what my fellow MOB djoann is right.  So many things have changed!  When you add that to the fact that she loves you, wants your day to be perfect, and you are leaving to start your own family!  It's a recipie for obsessing...

Give her a break.  When she gets caught up in an obsessing spiral, tell her you love her and that the day will be perfect no matter what.

theluckiest555

I feel your pain. My mom is starting to act that way a little too. Granted, I'm sure she's nervous, but she has been saying some things that have really irked me. For example, one of my BM's found out shortly AFTER getting fitted and ordered her dress that she was pregnany. Since the order was already in, there was nothing we could do but wait and hope for an altering miracle. She will be 7 months pregnant on our July wedding day. My mom has never liked this girl and didn't want her in the WP, but now she is particularily irritated that she is in the WP since she is pregnant. She is worried that she will mess up the whole look of the wedding. My mom actually had the audacity to tell me that my friend should have waited until after my wedding to get pregnant! Unbelievable! I just looked at her like that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. The dress will fit her, and if it doesn't, we will find a dress that will. I am not kicking her out of the WP because she is pregnant- period.

Just wanted to share my story with you to let you know that you are not alone. I'm sorry this is happening! At least you only have 4 weeks! I would have to agree with PP's about limiting the amount of time you spend talking with her about the wedding. Hang in there hun, and congrats!!

mrsjustinm2b

is ur mom my FMIL?? lol

[Deleted User]

If your mom keeps demanding you make decisions without consulting FI, just tell her thanks for bringing it up, you hadn't thought about that and you want some time to think about it before you decide.  Then talk to FI, make your decision together and tell your mom your decision.  It won't hurt her to not know that he helped decide and will save you from having to listen to "why does he care"