How do I say no without coming off as a b!tch? (Long)

[Deleted User]

The wedding is a long way off so if this wasn't family-related I wouldn't care but I have an issue that I know what I want to do but I'm not sure how to go about doing it.

I have a cousin who I'm very close to. We could be sisters. She's had a pretty difficult childhood but has turned out to be a wonderful person. Her mother has had drug abuse issues and made several bad choices that now have her in prison. She won't get out until my cousin is 35. While growing up my cousin lived with her grandmother. Her grandmother loves her very much and took care of her.

A few years ago my Mom and her grandmother had a falling out. She said some very hurtful things and my Mom chose not to feed into it and blocked her number and email. Soon after her grandmother had a stroke and had to be hospitalized. My cousin took it hard. The grandmother ended up needed round-the-clock care and had to be moved to a home. We helped my cousin sell the grandmother's house and sell off the household items to help her pay for the medical bills and she moved in with her now husband.

At my cousin's bridal shower her grandmother attended and when she saw my Mom she began hissing and cursing at her. This made me very upset and angry but I knew that her grandmother gets confused sometimes and forgets where she is. Despite her recovering from her stroke she still remembered her hatred for my Mom. To prevent any drama on my cousin's wedding day, my Mom hid in the back so the grandmother wouldn't see her and get upset.

Now getting to the point, my cousin left me a message and asked if I was going to invite her grandmother. Honestly I wouldn't have a problem with this if she was able to keep her opinions to herself and stay quiet. But there's no definite way that she won't start yelling at my Mom the second she sees her. I would like to assist her grandmother but I will not have my Mom hiding in the back at my wedding!

How do I tell her "Hell no!" but in a nice way that doesn't hurt her feelings?

CN: Cousin wants to bring grandmother to wedding who suffered from a stroke, forgets her bearings, and curses my Mom out the second she sees her. How do I tell her no nicely?

redheadtmk

Are there any alternatives besides telling her no? Is there someone willing to sit with her during the ceremony and distract her when your mother is seated? It will be easy enough at the reception to keep her distracted and seperate from your mother. Unless your number of guests is very very small there really should not be an issue. A shower is much smaller than a wedding so it makes sense that she would cause a scene there. I think you are making too much of this. I understand you want to protect your mother and that is commendable but I really think you can keep them away from each other.

Also if the wedding is a long way off I wouldnt stress about this too much now. You have no idea what level of functioning and health the grandmother will have. She may have a turn for the worse and not be able to attend. I would not say anything to the cousin until closer. No reason to create stress and drama before you know for sure its an issue. Just be honest and tell her you have not made a guest list as the wedding is so far away. And tell her your concerns as well. She may be willing to help  you find a compromise so everyone is happy in the end.

kmmssg

Agree with red that this woman's health and how well she functions could change dramatically before your wedding.

Does your cousin know your mom had to hide from the grandmother?  Is your cousin is aware of how Grandma treated your mother at the shower?  If she is not aware of these things you need to have a chat with her and let her know what happened.  Then gently explain that you will not have your mother hiding or being cursed at on your wedding day.

For now, you can put your cousin off and just say you guys haven't started planning, haven't even begun the guest list, etc.  

If cousin is aware of grandma's hatred of your mother I don't think it is very kind of her to ask you a question like that and put you on the spot.

StephBeanWed61502

I wouldn't get into a whole tortured explanation about it - I think a simple "no, wasn't planning on it, we're trying to keep things on the smaller side" should be fine.  It sounds to me like you're not even related to cousin's grandmother, so this would basically be the equivalent of deciding whether or not to invite a friend's parent, and you're well within your rights not to invite.  If she pushes, I'd stick to the "we're trying to keep it small" line - no need to throw your mom under the bus in this circumstance, since I'm guessing cousin doesn't quite share your view on the situation between your mom and her grandmother if she's asking whether her grandmother's invited.

[Deleted User]

Thank you, these are all good points. Yes, she's aware of the both the shower and wedding incidents. I think she was just hoping that I'd make room for her grandmother. I definitely have time to push this off, and you're right, her health may keep her from doing much so who knows. Thank you everyone for your help, I really appreciate it.

j-harvey

In addition to size, you can say that you're not inviting her due to concern about her comfort. She was obviously uncomfortable being in the same room as your mom at the shower and you'd hate for the grandma to have to deal with your mom again.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-do-i-say-no-without-coming-off-as-a-btch-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1d36e4dd-ce2d-40aa-90f3-56f2caf27ed4Post:681dbd0b-ff7f-40ce-9089-f7b6d67e3060">Re:How do I say no without coming off as a b!tch? Long</a>:
[QUOTE]In addition to size, you can say that you're not inviting her due to concern about her comfort. She was obviously uncomfortable being in the same room as your mom at the shower and you'd hate for the grandma to have to deal with your mom again.
Posted by j-harvey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>But this makes OP's mom look like the rude, bad guy here when it was granny who was hissing and cussing and being inappopriate toward the poor woman.  Granny needs to be held accountable for her actions and the consequences thereof - like not being invited because she is mean.

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