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Mom Trouble!!

klpriceklprice member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I got engaged in September of 2010. My fiance and I set a date right away for November 2011. I am currently in College and I knew we needed time to plan and pay for the wedding we want. Well... My mom who has been with someone else for 12 years decides she wants to have her wedding and make it final that they are getting married. She got a ring and all in December and set her date for August 2011.. Well, I can't talk with her about our plans or ideas about our wedding because she tries to steal them. Thankful to my mother in law, she is a HUGE help!! Now, my mom is also trying to have a bacherlorette party and wants me to plan it!! I do not believe for her second marriage she should go all out with the plans she is doing!!!

What do I tell her??? Her wedding is becoming more important to her than my wedding is! HELP!
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Re: Mom Trouble!!

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Mom, I have my hands full planning my own wedding.  You are going to have to plan yours.
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  • amandamcconnellamandamcconnell member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think her wedding should be more important to her than your wedding, it is HER wedding.
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  • klpriceklprice member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    It is her SECOND marriage this is my First!! I disagree.... She should not go all out with a Full blown wedding for her second time!

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:ffc90220-0dbe-4067-892d-5e5a7d2fd3cb">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is her SECOND marriage this is my First!! I disagree.... She should not go all out with a Full blown wedding for her second time!
    Posted by klprice[/QUOTE]

    Why?  I wouldn't spout that off over on the second weddings board  I have been married twice and had the dress, BM's, and a reception the second time.  Please explain why you see this as a disgrace.
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  • 4LeafClover34LeafClover3
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am having a second marriage and I am going all out! Just because it is a second marriage doesn't mean it is any less important and I shouldn't want it to be special. It isn't like I should feel shame for being married a second time. I am having a bridal shower and a bachelorette party. So... you certainly shouldn't be judging your mother for want her wedding to be a big thing. She is in the right to want it. Are you just jealous because you want all the attention and focus to be on you? Because if that's the case you need to grow up.

    Now if she is stealing your ideas and such then just don't let her in on everything. You should support her in what she wants for her wedding though.
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  • kalpi108kalpi108
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You definitely do not have to share your wedding plans with her if you do not want to. It seems harsh, though, to judge your mother for being excited at finding love again and wanting to celebrate it with you and her other loved ones. Enjoy this happy time together if you can but don't make her feel bad for wanting to have a wedding, too. She has as much right to one as you have. 
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  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Mom, I have my hands full planning my own wedding.  You are going to have to plan yours.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
    This.

    But TRY to be happy for her, no matter how many times she has been married.
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  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You get your DAY, and it get's to be whatever you want and can afford for it to be.  She gets HER day, and the same rights as any other bride.  Who are you to decide what kind of wedding she gets to have?  You want her deciding what YOUR day is going to be?  Didn't think so.

    If you don't want to plan her bachelorette, then tell her you are unable to do so.  If you don't want her to "steal" your ideas, then don't share them.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your mom has every right to have a "go all out wedding" for her second wedding, but she should not be asking you to plan any pre-wedding parties. 

    I'm actually surprised by the lack of this sentiment in any of the responses, since I've seen the ladies on TK reprimand brides for expecting BMs to plan these parties for them!  (Maybe I've seen it on other boards and not so much on this one?  I can't remember.)
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:ffc90220-0dbe-4067-892d-5e5a7d2fd3cb">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is her SECOND marriage this is my First!! I disagree.... She should not go all out with a Full blown wedding for her second time!
    Posted by klprice[/QUOTE]

    Does it make her any less married since it's her second wedding? She can plan her wedding as she wishes. 

    Brides don't get to ask someone to plan their bachelorette party or bridal shower.  Someone offers.  If she asks again tell her your hands are full with planning your own wedding, though you'd love to attend.

    If you're afraid that she'll steal your ideas, I'd avoid sharing them with her. 
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here we go again, I could have told you you were going to get this response. Everyone just jumps to conclusions and calls you out saying why shouldn't she have her big wedding and she deserves it as much as you do?  Which is true.

    It's completely understandable that you feel this way. She got to have her big wedding before, I'm assuming to your father, and I'm sure she had her mom's full attention when planning it, so why shouldn't you have yours?  I have to say that I think it's kind of rude of her to decide to have her wedding before her daughter's when she has been with someone for 12 years.  She couldn't have waited another year?  I'm sure she doesn't see that, of course, you want all her attention on helping you plan your wedding.  She's your MOM. Part of the fairy tale idea that little girls have about a wedding is the fact that you get to do all this stuff with your mom, while she is psyched to do so, after all, her little girl is getting married!
    It's not about whether or not you think she should have a big wedding with the whole sha-bang a second time, it's that, why does she have to do it 3 months before you?  I get it.  And I get the stealing ideas thing too.  Why would you want your whole family to come to your wedding 3 months after hers and have the same flowers, BM dresses, music.  It looks weird.

    So I totally think she should have helped you out and put her attention on you and then herself.  After all, aren't parents supposed to put their kids first?

    What you should say to her completely depends on your relationship.  If you are close then you should be able to talk to her about it, and let her know that you are disappointed that she can't give you more help and why wouldn't you be pissed if she takes your ideas?  If you aren't close, then I don't know what to tell you.  Again I don't know how your mom is, she may just not care.  But I am brutally honest and usually can tell my mom how I feel about anything and we aren't that close.  But she also doesn't see herself the way others do. 
    So I don't know what to tell you, other than you gotta be honest and speak up or else just leave it alone, resent her, and have everyone go to the same wedding twice within 3 months.

    Good luck, I hope she comes around for ya!
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:cc0981b0-bcc3-4104-b60b-38c90656feba">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here we go again, I could have told you you were going to get this response. Everyone just jumps to conclusions and calls you out saying why shouldn't she have her big wedding and she deserves it as much as you do?  Which is true. It's completely understandable that you feel this way. She got to have her big wedding before, I'm assuming to your father, and I'm sure she had her mom's full attention when planning it, so why shouldn't you have yours?<strong>  I have to say that I think it's kind of rude of her to decide to have her wedding before her daughter's when she has been with someone for 12 years.  </strong>She couldn't have waited another year?  I'm sure she doesn't see that, of course, you want all her attention on helping you plan your wedding.  She's your MOM. Part of the fairy tale idea that little girls have about a wedding is the fact that you get to do all this stuff with your mom, while she is psyched to do so, after all, her little girl is getting married! It's not about whether or not you think she should have a big wedding with the whole sha-bang a second time,<strong> it's that, why does she have to do it 3 months before you?</strong>  I get it.  And I get the stealing ideas thing too.  Why would you want your whole family to come to your wedding 3 months after hers and have the same flowers, BM dresses, music.  It looks weird. So I totally think she should have helped you out and put her attention on you and then herself. <strong> After all, aren't parents supposed to put their kids first? </strong>What you should say to her completely depends on your relationship.  If you are close then you should be able to talk to her about it, and let her know that you are disappointed that she can't give you more help and why wouldn't you be pissed if she takes your ideas?  If you aren't close, then I don't know what to tell you.  Again I don't know how your mom is, she may just not care.  But I am brutally honest and usually can tell my mom how I feel about anything and we aren't that close.  But she also doesn't see herself the way others do.  So I don't know what to tell you, other than you gotta be honest and speak up or else just leave it alone, resent her, and have everyone go to the same wedding twice within 3 months. Good luck, I hope she comes around for ya!
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

    1) Why does her length of relationship come into play at all? Whether you're together 12 months or 12 years, you should get to plan your wedding when you want it. If she planned it the same DAY as her daughter, I would get the hurt, anger, etc. But three months apart? Nope.

    2) Again, three months is a pretty long time. If OP doesn't want her "stealing" ideas, she needs to not talk about said ideas with her mother. Plain and simple. Plus as a guest, I would not remember if someone used the same flowers as someone else three months apart.

    3) OP isn't an infant. She is not reliant on her mother for survival. She is a grown woman. Plus, parents need to take care of themselves and their relationship with their SO in order to be good parents to their children. Her mom deserves to be happy too. She doesn't get jipped of that just b/c she's someone's mom.


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  • regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:5e5d6f33-f11a-47ee-ba11-177846e4afc6">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom Trouble!! : 1) Why does her length of relationship come into play at all? Whether you're together 12 months or 12 years, you should get to plan your wedding when you want it. If she planned it the same DAY as her daughter, I would get the hurt, anger, etc. But three months apart? Nope. 2) Again, three months is a pretty long time. If OP doesn't want her "stealing" ideas, she needs to not talk about said ideas with her mother. Plain and simple. Plus as a guest, I would not remember if someone used the same flowers as someone else three months apart. 3) OP isn't an infant. She is not reliant on her mother for survival. She is a grown woman. Plus, parents need to take care of themselves and their relationship with their SO in order to be good parents to their children. Her mom deserves to be happy too. She doesn't get jipped of that just b/c she's someone's mom.
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

    1) That's a matter of opinion.  She could have waited.
    2) Clearly we don't know what ideas she is speaking of, nor does it matter what YOU would remember, but it's rude to steal them, especially from her child.
    3) Never said anyone didn't deserve to be happy. Why would she be gypped? she can have whatever she wants at the right time. Kid comes first. Period.
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    regfalange -Kids come first when they are children and dependent on their parents. I hope the op is an adult, since she is getting married.

    You accuse everyone of making assumptions, yet you assume that the MOB, in this case, had a big wedding with the full attention of her own mom, the first time around. That may not be the case. Even if it is, it has no bearing on her second marriage. Both brides should choose any date they wish and plan the type of wedding they want. It would be nice if they could support each other in their decisions.

    Did you know that the word gypped (jipped) is an ethnic slur against the Roma people, who were sometimes called gypsies. It implies that all Roma are swindlers and cheats.
                       
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well yeah I guess I hate Roma people then, according to you and the English language
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:b1cdbd50-e777-457e-9c90-4ca1fcca4a66">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well yeah I guess I hate Roma people then, according to you and the English language
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

    Honestly? I thought you would say you had no idea that it was an ethnic slur. Hate speech is not allowed on these boards.
                       
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:cbfaf060-90a6-44df-b75b-d394e1f72533">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom Trouble!! : 1) That's a matter of opinion.  She could have waited. 2) Clearly we don't know what ideas she is speaking of, nor does it matter what YOU would remember, but it's rude to steal them, especially from her child. 3) Never said anyone didn't deserve to be happy. Why would she be gypped? she can have whatever she wants at the right time. Kid comes first. Period.
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]
                       
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Evidently you don't know the meaning of sarcasm. And you seriously have WAY too much time on your hands.
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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  • eviltwin13eviltwin13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The timing's a little suspicious. I too would wonder why, after 12 years, the grand rush to get married right before the daughter. Everyone you know will probably be wondering the same thing too. And while she's entitled to have the wedding she wants, I for one would find it weird to be invited to the bachelorette party of someone who's been previously married AND has been with her current partner for 12 years. I'd find it weird for a guy to have a bachelor party after having been in a committed relationship for 12 years, too... but I've never understood celebrating your last night of being "single" if you're in a committed relationship of any duration anyway...

    Charitably, maybe the timing has to do with the fact that you are getting married and she's going to be playing a role in the wedding. She may be hoping to be able to introduce him as her husband and your stepfather, rather than as her long term boyfriend. Maybe she's even hoping that since he'll officially be part of the family, you'll include him in your ceremony, programs, etc. I can't really say, not knowing her.

    In either case, the advice here is good - gently decline to host any parties that you haven't volunteered to host, and don't reveal any planning details that you're worried she'll copy. If she asks why you aren't being more forthcoming, tell her you want it to be a surprise and that you're sure she wants to do the same for you with HER special plans.
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  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:cbfaf060-90a6-44df-b75b-d394e1f72533">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom Trouble!! : 1) That's a matter of opinion.  She could have waited. 2) Clearly we don't know what ideas she is speaking of, nor does it matter what YOU would remember, but it's rude to steal them, especially from her child. 3) Never said anyone didn't deserve to be happy. Why would she be gypped? she can have whatever she wants at the right time. Kid comes first. Period.
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

    1)Not really. No matter how long of a relationship you are in, you deserve to have your wedding when you want it. I have a plethora of friends who dated for shorter than we and got married first. They didn't "check" with us to see if it was OK to plan their weddings before us and I'm glad they did not.

    2) The flowers thing was an example. I don't care what she's "stealing." Unless every little thing is the same, no one will remember or care. And I still gave valid advice. You don't want others stealing ideas, shut your trap around them.

    3) Kids come first when they are KIDS. Do I expect my parents to check with me before they make any decisions because I should come first, even though I'm a grown woman living on my own, paying all my own bills? Hell no. That is selfish of you to think grown adult children should take precedence over parents' happiness. And yes, by implying the mother should not get the wedding she wants, that is denying her happiness.


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  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]Here we go again, I could have told you you were going to get this response. Everyone just jumps to conclusions and calls you out saying why shouldn't she have her big wedding and she deserves it as much as you do? 
    Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]
    People can only respond to what is posted.  If the OP left things out and people respond, that's not the fault of the posters that read that information.

    And please, refrain from using words that are considered to be ethnic slurs.  Using the word "gypped" has stirred up more than a few problems on numerous boards on The Knot. 
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-trouble?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1dbede0c-a48a-450a-978d-bb04dfeffa90Post:4af165d9-b3ed-46c8-b36b-de922c28aa0a">Re: Mom Trouble!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]People can only respond to what is posted.  If the OP left things out and people respond, that's not the fault of the posters that read that information. And please, refrain from using words that are considered to be ethnic slurs.  Using the word "gypped" has stirred up more than a few problems on numerous boards on The Knot. 
    Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

    I only used at as responding to someone who said she would be jipped, and I only responded by asking why she would be, and I responded with the correct spelling of the word which I looked up. The definition only said "<span style="cursor:default;">to</span> <span style="cursor:default;background-color:transparent;">defraud</span> <span>or</span> <span>rob</span> <span>by</span> <span>some</span> <span>sharp</span> <span>practice;</span> <span style="cursor:default;background-color:transparent;">swindle;</span> <span style="cursor:default;background-color:transparent;">cheat." Didn't say anything about gypsies and I had no idea that's where it came from, and wasn't trying to offend anyone.
    </span><div class="dndata"><span> </span></div>
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    So, you think that her wedding date is too close to yours and she should take second seat?


    When you become an adult, you start taking care of yourself without Mom always helping you out.  Yes, she's always going to be there for you but she does have a right to her own life.  And to her own wedding.


    Why did she decide all of a sudden?  Perhaps you will be having a brother or sister soon.Smile

    Seriously, grow up.

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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    and capitalizing college does imply that you are VERY young

    Stop being a brat and be happy for your mother.  Not everyone gets two shots at having a happy marriage.

    ywia
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