I apologize if this is a little incoherent, but I'm a bit upset and in need of a hug but I'm at work right now.
My mother is diagnosed bipolar & paranoic (since I was a young child) and this has caused more than a few heartaches in my lifetime. I spent much of my childhood raised by relatives because she just didn't feel like dealing with me, (I was perpetual honor roll, varsity sports, never even once got detention in my life definition good girl) and she abandoned me as a teenager so I had to live with another family, (dad is out of the picture). I had to scrape to put myself through college and grad school and she didn't give me an ounce of emotional or financial support. She thinks the only reason I went to college is so I can feel superior to her.
We aren't exactly close, to be sure, because after a lifetime of being hurt by her I keep forgiving her and have found the only way to avoid too much pain is to limit my exposure to her and not engage with her when she baits me for a reaction.
My engagement seems to have really set something off within her, and it's getting out of control.
Even when she is on her medication (which is inconsistent at best) she goes from making up wild lies about what an awful bridezilla I am (Which is out of nowhere, and FI and I are paying for our own wedding, haven't asked my mother or anyone else for a penny or for favors of time/energy, it's going to be a mellow afternoon wedding, my BMs are picking out their own dresses, etc) to then saying that she wants to buy my dress and my cake. (With the caveat that she will starve to do so, but it's a "cross she's willing to bear")
She sends my ranting emails about how she gets that it's my day so she doesn't even expect to be included but hopes she can see the photos after at least, which hurts because I never ever thought of not inviting my own mother, and have never said anything like this, and in fact went to tell her in person we were engaged and that we could go shopping for her dress together if she wanted.
She also sends me frequent emails about how mad she is at me but that I have no room to be hurt or upset by it because it's my fault, since she is jealous of my life and it's not fair that her life didn't turn out better and why did I get what I wanted when she is alone.
I know that what she says isn't really coming from her, and she doesn't really mean it, because she's unstable and can't help what she says, but it's starting to put a damper on my enthusiasm for planning. Every time I see an email from her I dread opening it. I have relatives calling me and asking me to verify all the awful things she's been making up about me, and it's really stressful.
I am also nervous because she has caused scenes (putting it nicely) during my older sibling's wedding weekends, and I'm usually the target of her ire. I am terrified of what she will do at my wedding. It's not even a question of if, but of what.
She has always had an unhealthy competition with me, (and only me, not my other siblings - they always feel bad for me about it because it's blatant) and tried to upstage anything I have accomplished by making it all about her, which I let go because it's not worth getting into it. But I do want my wedding to be about FI and I, it would be nice just to have one day for us.
I don't know what to do - I can't hold her behavior against her since she doesn't know any better, but it's starting to wear my patience a little thin. I am finding interacting with her (about non-wedding stuff) increasingly difficult because I am so hurt that even smaller stuff she says that I used to be able to ignore is starting to get to me.
It's also sad when people (who mean well) say things to me like "your mom must be so excited for you/happy for you/proud of you!" when the truth is she is hostile and unhappy.
Are there any other brides out there who have dealt with something like this who can offer some advice or encouragement?