MIL, gah

ali585

I love my MIL, but she is driving me a bit nuts. She insisted on taking my husband and I out to a fancy dinner a few weeks after we got married, but she left the bill on the table when it arrived and made no move to pick it up, so my husband and I ended up paying. This is an ongoing trend with MIL and the reason we often suggest she come to our house for a home-cooked meal instead of going out, because she rarely pays or chips in to the bill. She always says she is "tight on money", but then will go out and buy a bunch of stuff for our house that we don't need or want, like random artwork or decorative carpets. It doesn't make sense.

Another thing--my parents have invited MIL to their home constantly over the years and always include her in our family gatherings and even some of our vacations. MIL has never reciprocated by inviting my parents/family to her home or treated us to a meal.

And here's the kicker: my mom just told me that she doesn't want to include MIL in my family's next vacation. I don't want to, either. My parents are tired of paying for her, treating her when we go out, and having her over to their house with no reciprocation or thanks. I'm tired of it, too--my husband and I get the same treatment from her.

How should I broach this topic with my husband? He is aware of MIL's lack of contributing and it annoys him too, but I think he'll be upset when I tell him my parents don't want her to come on our next vacation. I'm sure MIL expects she'll be invited (especially because it's in a beach town close to where we live), but my parents aren't planning on it. I don't want to hurt MIL's feelings, but I want to find a way for me and my husband (or just my husband) to broach this topic with her. Any advice?

Maggie0829

Next time you and your H go out to dinner with her have your H say "Ok, so we owe X amount and Mom you owe Y."  Don't just automatically pay for it because that is why she still gets away with it.  You let her.

As crappy as it sounds she does not have to reciprocate the invitations.  Things are not tit for tat.  If your  parents don't like the fact that she doesn't return the gesture given to her then just stop extending the invites.

As far as vacations go, just don't invite her?  Why did you feel it necessary to include her in everything anyways?

And when it comes to money, she is an adult and is allowed to spend in anyway she pleases and it is not for you to comment on

Finally, it is your H's Mom, not yours, so he needs to deal with her.

OliveOilsMom

I would suggest to H that he call his mom out, nicely, the next time she invites you guys out to dinner.  He could say, "Mom, everytime you invite us out to dinner, we have to pick up the tab, why not just come here for dinner that night."  It shows he knows whats she doing, but still has the final goal of sharing a nice meal with MIL.

As for the vacations, I would use KindaSparkly's suggestion where just saying the family vacation got to be too expensive and they decided to scale back a bit.

Lastly, H should tell his mom that it is not necessary for her to continue to buy things for you guys.  He can tell her that you guys have enough stuff and cannot use the things she buys and you are running out of room to store everything.

zitiqueen

Ask for separate checks or stop complaining. She does this because it works. You end up paying. Why would she give up a sweet deal like that?

renegade gaucho

There really isn't a way to address this without hurting her feelings because she's an unreasonable mooch, and there is no way of stopping the gravy train that she will find acceptable.  Everytime she invites you out to dinner, she knows exactly what she's doing, and she's counting on the two of you to be too concerned about her feelings to call her out.  She's in the wrong, and deliberately so, so stop worrying about her feelings.  Your husband needs to tell her that others cannot afford to pay for her and so you won't be dining out with her or inviting her on your family vacations anymore.

kmmssg

If your DH gets upset that his mother isn't invited for vacay this year then he is part of the problem here too.

He has a choice - look the other way while his mom mooches and takes incredibly rude advantage of your parents, OR he can man up and tell her why she isn't invited.  He needs to be firm with her and put a stop to this behavior.  Otherwise, he is encouraging and rewarding it.

BostonGIrl4732

Next time she asks you to go to dinner, have your H tell her you can't afford it right now.  Ask if she'd like to come over instead for dinner.