Moms and Maids

I love my mom....

Okay. I really do love my mom. A little story, first: My sister was engaged and had the wedding planned when he broke it off, so that was hard on everyone. My mom has always been EXTREMELY involved with our lives. School field trip chaperone, band mom, spring musical costume department, you name the event we were in, she was there. Always. There. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm happy with. I'm glad she has been involved with our lives and I'm thrilled that she is excited for me.

But she's... driving.. me... nuts. We've been engaged for nearly two months. We're getting married next October, so... roughly 10 months to go until the big day. LAST NIGHT we were talking on the phone (she lives in Cali) and I mentioned to her that I'm going to make my rehearsal dinner dress. I already have the pattern, and I have coupons for JoAnns to buy fabric this weekend.

Today, just like, an hour ago, she texts me a picture of a short, white, lacy dress. "Like it?" I reply, "For who/what?" "You, rehearsal dinner." Tbh, I didn't really like the dress. I said, "It's not my favorite." I wanted to say, "MOM. We just talked about this last night!! Like, barely 12 hours ago!!! I am going to make my dress."

She's done this with a number of other things too... I say "I want candles that sit on the floor" for some decorations, she says, "Look at these candelabras I found! Aren't they pretty?" I say, "Afternoon ceremony. Evening reception." She says, "Night time ceremony. Late night reception." I say, "No big flowers on my wedding dress, and not super poofy." Guess what she suggests....

Like I said. I love my mom. I am overjoyed that she is excited for me - especially because right before FH & I started dating my family tried to convince me it was a bad idea. I am happy she wants to be involved... but.... why can't she just accept it when I tell her what I want?? Why does she have to suggest something different? How do I tell her, nicely, that although I appreciate the suggestions, when I say, "This is what I want." It's what I want. Not, "I'm not really sure what I want. Please, give me more suggestions." (When I make up my mind about something, it happens. I've always been this way, I've never been one who constantly needs more ideas.)
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Re: I love my mom....

  • In Response to I love my mom....:
    Okay. I really do love my mom. A little story, first: My sister was engaged and had the wedding planned when he broke it off, so that was hard on everyone. My mom has always been EXTREMELY involved with our lives. School field trip chaperone, band mom, spring musical costume department, you name the event we were in, she was there. Always. There. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm happy with. I'm glad she has been involved with our lives and I'm thrilled that she is excited for me. But she's... driving.. me... nuts. We've been engaged for nearly two months. We're getting married next October, so... roughly 10 months to go until the big day. LAST NIGHT we were talking on the phone (she lives in Cali) and I mentioned to her that I'm going to make my rehearsal dinner dress. I already have the pattern, and I have coupons for JoAnns to buy fabric this weekend. Today, just like, an hour ago, she texts me a picture of a short, white, lacy dress. "Like it?" I reply, "For who/what?" "You, rehearsal dinner." Tbh, I didn't really like the dress. I said, "It's not my favorite." I wanted to say, "MOM. We just talked about this last night!! Like, barely 12 hours ago!!! I am going to make my dress." She's done this with a number of other things too... I say "I want candles that sit on the floor" for some decorations, she says, "Look at these candelabras I found! Aren't they pretty?" I say, "Afternoon ceremony. Evening reception." She says, "Night time ceremony. Late night reception." I say, "No big flowers on my wedding dress, and not super poofy." Guess what she suggests.... Like I said. I love my mom. I am overjoyed that she is excited for me - especially because right before FH & I started dating my family tried to convince me it was a bad idea. I am happy she wants to be involved... but.... why can't she just accept it when I tell her what I want?? Why does she have to suggest something different? How do I tell her, nicely, that although I appreciate the suggestions, when I say, "This is what I want." It's what I want. Not, "I'm not really sure what I want. Please, give me more suggestions." (When I make up my mind about something, it happens. I've always been this way, I've never been one who constantly needs more ideas.)
    Posted by lplions
    My mom is this way too. She is constantly offering ideas that I'm not in love with. I understand a bit, since *her* mother took over her wedding and she didn't have a lot of say (and now my grandmother is trying to do this again!).

    I let her have some of her ideas, and we compromised on others. I didn't want a shower, but she really did, so I'm letting her throw one so she can plan that all by herself. She stopped suggesting things of other aspects of the wedding :)

    Maybe try compromising on something not that important to you (flowers? some menu items?). Maybe she'll be happy with input on a few things. 
  • My mom is that way too. Actually, any time I have an idea that goes against what she wants for me, it's "who do you know that does/ did that? Who gave you that idea? Who talked you into it?" Like I'm not capable of thinking for myself or having my own plans and goals. Wedding planning was a nightmare until I put my foot down and cut her out completely for a few months. Then she changed her tune.

    Normally sane mothers just want their daughter's wedding to be perfect and beautiful. Some take the hands off approach with that, others think they need to offer suggestions of their preferences, because they think they know best or just see something they'd like you to use. I don't think there's anything malicious about what your mom is doing. I think she's just trying to help. So if it bothers you, talk to her about it. Tell her you appreciate her enthusiasm, but when you say you want this particular thing, it means you've thought about it and that's your preference. Ask her to help you find x item you're wanting. Give her a mission. It helped wonderfully with my mother.  

    This is all assuming you're paying for it. If she's helping, you may have to compromise a few things. 
  • In Response to Re: I love my mom....:
    Is she paying for any part of the wedding?  If she is, she gets a say in the planning. If she's not.....then STOP SHARING YOUR PLANS WITH HER.  When she asks what is going on with the wedding, say, "We've got it covered, mom."  Then change the subject.  Keep changing the subject.  Do not discuss the wedding.  Do not discuss the wedding.  Do not discuss the wedding. Remember that NO is not a four-letter word, and you are not a bad daughter for using it.  "Thanks, mom, but I've already selected something else I like better," isn't a mean thing to say, either. Moms are generally nice people, but they have YEARS to dream about their daughters' weddings, and sometimes lose sight of the fact that isn't THEIR wedding, too. Don't leave the discussion open-ended if you do get into one with her.  Say, "Hey, mom, look at this centerpiece I chose yesterday.  I got exactly what I've always wanted. It's perfect."  Use phrases as, "That's nice, mom, but it's not to my taste.  I want this instead."  Don't be afraid to assert yourself.  You're a grownup now, and about to be a wife yourself. Good luck!
    Posted by RetreadBride
    Completely agree.  But, Mom should have no say in the wedding dress or the rehersal dinner dress.  The bride should be wearing something that she is comfortable in and that she feels she looks beautiful in.  We've seen plenty of posts about wedding dress regret because the bride bought something because someone else pushed it on her.
  • In Response to I love my mom....:
    Okay. I really do love my mom. A little story, first: My sister was engaged and had the wedding planned when he broke it off, so that was hard on everyone. My mom has always been EXTREMELY involved with our lives. School field trip chaperone, band mom, spring musical costume department, you name the event we were in, she was there. Always. There. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm happy with. I'm glad she has been involved with our lives and I'm thrilled that she is excited for me. But she's... driving.. me... nuts. We've been engaged for nearly two months. We're getting married next October, so... roughly 10 months to go until the big day. LAST NIGHT we were talking on the phone (she lives in Cali) and I mentioned to her that I'm going to make my rehearsal dinner dress. I already have the pattern, and I have coupons for JoAnns to buy fabric this weekend. Today, just like, an hour ago, she texts me a picture of a short, white, lacy dress. "Like it?" I reply, "For who/what?" "You, rehearsal dinner." Tbh, I didn't really like the dress. I said, "It's not my favorite." I wanted to say, "MOM. We just talked about this last night!! Like, barely 12 hours ago!!! I am going to make my dress." She's done this with a number of other things too... I say "I want candles that sit on the floor" for some decorations, she says, "Look at these candelabras I found! Aren't they pretty?" I say, "Afternoon ceremony. Evening reception." She says, "Night time ceremony. Late night reception." I say, "No big flowers on my wedding dress, and not super poofy." Guess what she suggests.... Like I said. I love my mom. I am overjoyed that she is excited for me - especially because right before FH & I started dating my family tried to convince me it was a bad idea. I am happy she wants to be involved... but.... why can't she just accept it when I tell her what I want?? Why does she have to suggest something different? How do I tell her, nicely, that although I appreciate the suggestions, when I say, "This is what I want." It's what I want. Not, "I'm not really sure what I want. Please, give me more suggestions." (When I make up my mind about something, it happens. I've always been this way, I've never been one who constantly needs more ideas.)
    Posted by lplions

    You are lucky. She really loves you and wants the very very best for you. This is how a mother should be. Enjoy her. My mother who is very dear to me is dying of cancer and there is no way I can stop it and keep her here with me. Just saying. Keep it in perspective. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    In Response to Re: I love my mom....:
    In Response to I love my mom.... : You are lucky. She really loves you and wants the very very best for you. This is how a mother should be. Enjoy her. My mother who is very dear to me is dying of cancer and there is no way I can stop it and keep her here with me. Just saying. Keep it in perspective. 
    Posted by vinnieandmegs
    I'm sorry about your mom's illness.
                
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    As much as it sounds as if your mom isn't the best listener, she doesn't sound argumentative.  If she "let's it go" after you remind her of your preference(s), I suggest you try to grin and bear it, knowing her heart is in the right place.  Mom sounds like she has an impulsivity issue more than a domineering personality.

    Are there things she could help research?  With both my daughter and DIL, they would give me an idea of what they were looking for, whether it was decor, favors, or flowers, and ask me to do some recon for them.  I was happy to do it.  However, the point of my recon was to save them time and trouble.  With that said, we had a "disclaimer" agreement that they did NOT have to respond to any of the emails/information I submitted.  If they felt a need to respond, even simply, to every email I sent, it would defeat the time saving factor.  The only time I would get a response is if/when I found something they wanted.  

    It was a good arrangement for us.  It made me feel involved and helpful.  It saved them a lot of time.  Perhaps you could find some common ground this way.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    edited January 2013
    I'm a MOG and do get more than a little bit over-excited about all this stuff. Probably too, she is pleased to have something to talk about that she knows you are interested in. Just give her a sentence or two to show you understand and are listening and to be polite, then move on and do your own thing. She just loves you, and there may be a nugget of wisdom every now and then.
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