Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner

amadrierith

My FMIL and FFIL offered to host a rehearsal dinner for us and asked us to look into restaurants around the town where the wedding will be held. We checked out some places and forwarded the info to my FI's parents. Yesterday my FI and I were talking and decided we'd rather have a casual BBQ at my parent's house than a formal event at a restaurant.

Tonight my FI told his mom thank you for the offer, but we have decided to have a casual BBQ at my parent's house instead of in a restaurant. She actually said no, and that we are having the dinner wherever she picks. His family is not paying for any part of the wedding, my parents and I are. My FI and I don't know what to do so she realizes the BBQ is happening whether or not she likes it. We are very grateful for her offer, but we are just trying to respectfully decline, how are we supposed to do this when she won't let us?

And yes, I plan on letting FI handle it, I don't get into the middle of things with his family, but he is at a loss of what to say to her in this situation. Both of his parents are control freaks.

vixey

She probably is just hurt because the ONE thing she had a say in and got to plan is being taken away from her.  Your parents are taking care of everything, and now they are taking care of the RD too.

It seems like you already have told her that you don't want a dinner at a restaurant and are doing the BBQ at your parents house, so I'm not sure what else you could tell her to get the point across.

Why can't she have a BBQ at her house?  Let her play hostess.

amadrierith

If she wanted to do one at her house that's fine, but it would be a couple weeks before the wedding. She lives in North Carolina and the wedding is in Virginia so there is no way to do it at her place the night before the wedding.

orangecrush32

I think I understand where your future in-laws are coming from. You told them they could do this and then you took it away. They were probably excited to finally be involved in part of the wedding and now you guys were basically like nevermind, we got a better offer.

I think that you should let your in-laws do the rehersal dinner. It's the one thing they get.

redheadedgeek

If your reasons for not wanting to have the rehearsal dinner are logistical, that is a good discussion to have with her. It could be difficult for the wedding party to travel to her place a few weeks before the wedding. However, if she is feeling left out of the wedding, can you try to find something that she can provide? It would probably help to make it clear that her generosity is not being rejected unless that is what is happening.

vixey

Is there a reason you want a BBQ at your parents' house instead of at a restaurant?  If you just don't want a formal RD at a restaurant and like the informal aspect of the backyard BBQ, maybe let FMIL host a BBQ style RD at a local park or something. 

I just really don't think you should be taking this away from her without a good reason.  Because in the grand scheme of things it's not a huge deal, so why not make her happy?

amadrierith

Thanks for the advice ladies. We will try to let her know that it has nothing to do with her and we truly appreciate her generosity, but something casual and fun is what we want. A park is out of the question because they close at dark and dark is around 6pm in early march. Logistically, my entire family couldn't make it down to her place for a bbq before the wedding. Hopefully we can find something for her to help out with, but with the plans all being in another state, there really isn't anything for her to do. Thanks again.

djoann958

I agree with all of the above. I am a MOB and my daughter's fiance is from South America. His family (whom he hasn't seen in 6 years) are still unsure if his parents will get visas to be able to come to the wedding (which is in 3 months). My daughter would be THRILLED if her future in-laws were able to host a rehearsal dinner- where ever it may be. I think you should consider yourself very fortunate that you have such loving in-laws that they want to do this for you. Not everyone is so lucky.  If you want something more casual- then speak to them and see if they would consider a less formal restaurant. By choosing your parents over them (after agreeing to their plans first)- you are getting off on the wrong foot. I am sure their feelings were hurt. It is like giving a gift back saying- I don't like it. They are going to be your new family for a long time and you don't want to start off like this. 

vixey

Can you rent out a room at Knights of Columbus or something like that?  That way you aren't in a restaurant, but it can still have the atmosphere that you want. 

Although I feel like you've already made your decision, so any more suggestions are probably futile.

MairePoppy

Since you had already accepted their offer to host the RD, I think it was insensitive of you to change the plan to a bbq that your parents are hosting. Your FILs were probably excited about planning the RD, especially if they were not very involved in the wedding planning. Remember this wedding is a big deal to his family, as well as your's.
You should apologize to FILs and let them host the RD, if they are still willing. Your parents could have their bbq the day after the wedding.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:28b04429-a17f-463a-bbe0-40c588fa153aPost:99a10309-b319-4f0f-b028-94aafb4cb5b7">Re: Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Since you had already accepted their offer to host the RD, I think it was insensitive of you to change the plan to a bbq that your parents are hosting. Your FIL's were probably excited about planning the RD, especially if they were not very involved in the wedding planning. Remember this wedding is a big deal to his family, as well as your's. You should apologize to FILs and let them host the RD, if they are still willing. Your parents could have their bbq the day after the wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but the offer was accepted and it kind of sounds like your stamping your foot a bit and screaming "This is what <u><em>I</em></u> want." Your reason sounds pretty weak to me. There are plenty of "casual" restaurants in this world, I'm sure you could find something that would suit you.

Let them do something for you. I'm all for boundaries and making sure ILs on both sides don't step all over the bride and groom but it doesn't sound like they've done much and they probably just want to help. As you are not doing a JOP, you are not the only ones involved in this.

sister2groom

I agree, it is a bit cold to not only accept your ILs offer, but also forward to them a list of restaurants you liked. I'm sure there is BBQ restaurant of a pizza place that would be fun and casual. Will it kill you to be a little flexible rather than hurting your ILs?

zitiqueen

I don't know why you can't throw them this bone. It's what, three hours out of a weekend that's all about you and your parents in your hometown? That's a great way to start off with your new family. Call it a hunch, but something tells me you'll always find a reason for your family to come first...

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:28b04429-a17f-463a-bbe0-40c588fa153aPost:6faa4f87-3292-4f8e-bd93-5e768ad2bae7">Re: Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice ladies. We will try to let her know that it has nothing to do with her and we truly appreciate her generosity, but something casual and fun is what we want. A park is out of the question because they close at dark and dark is around 6pm in early march. Logistically, my entire family couldn't make it down to her place for a bbq before the wedding.<strong> Hopefully we can find something for her to help out with</strong>, but with the plans all being in another state, there really isn't anything for her to do. Thanks again.
Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]

Yeah, something awesome like guest book attendant or cake-cutter!

vixey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:28b04429-a17f-463a-bbe0-40c588fa153aPost:055dd98b-8060-4531-963e-b6cdb88316ed">Re: Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know why you can't throw them this bone. It's what, three hours out of a weekend that's all about you and your parents in your hometown? That's a great way to start off with your new family. <strong>Call it a hunch, but something tells me you'll always find a reason for your family to come first...</strong>
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
Those were my thoughts as well.

There are a lot of solutions that involve FMIL hosting a casual RD at a restaurant, or some other hall or something, but it seems like OP wants her parents to host it no matter what.

amadrierith

This is the hard thing about posting on the knot, its hard to get a clear picture of what someone's background is without revealing info that I'd rather not do. My future in-laws do not support our upcoming wedding at all. They have made all kinds of comments since we got engaged, even trying to say my ring is fake when it is indeed not. They don't express any interest in the wedding, don't ask how planning is going, and only say negative things about it when they actually do bring it up. They disagree with decisions we make and try to get us to change our minds when they aren't paying for anything.

While forwarding restaurants, they do not like any of them. They find something negative about all the restaurants we have picked out. So yes, after some discussion, my fiance and I decided that a casual bbq at someone's house would be better than one in a restaurant , it's more our style, and will cause less headaches. My parent's house is the only one in Virginia big enough to host the bbq.

Since my fiance's parents offered to do the rehearsal and we agreed, then changed our minds, it is rude. But since they actually won't make any solid plans and shoot down every restaurant, I am trying to tell them in a nice way thank you for the offer, but we are going in a different direction, and have them accept that.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:28b04429-a17f-463a-bbe0-40c588fa153aPost:489d910b-eb0c-4e3c-af10-b1f78c5a7428">Re: Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]This is the hard thing about posting on the knot, its hard to get a clear picture of what someone's background is without revealing info that I'd rather not do. My future in-laws do not support our upcoming wedding at all. They have made all kinds of comments since we got engaged, even trying to say my ring is fake when it is indeed not. They don't express any interest in the wedding, don't ask how planning is going, and only say negative things about it when they actually do bring it up. They disagree with decisions we make and try to get us to change our minds when they aren't paying for anything. While forwarding restaurants, they do not like any of them. They find something negative about all the restaurants we have picked out. So yes, after some discussion, my fiance and I decided that a casual bbq at someone's house would be better than one in a restaurant , it's more our style, and will cause less headaches. My parent's house is the only one in Virginia big enough to host the bbq. Since my fiance's parents offered to do the rehearsal and we agreed, then changed our minds, it is rude. But since they actually won't make any solid plans and shoot down every restaurant, I am trying to tell them in a nice way thank you for the offer, but we are going in a different direction, and have them accept that.
Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]


I can see where you are coming from now - that basically you accepted FILs offer but they are turning the whole thing into one big headache.  My FILs do that too. 

Everything has to be an issue - even if they offer to host something they then turn around and make themselves into martyrs. My FILs offered to host our RD, and they way FMIL complains about the planning for it, you would think she's doing another wedding!    On top of it, FI and I aren't even having a reversal and never planned on doing a RD.

I understand the urge to just say "you know what?  thanks but no thanks, this isn't worth it" but I have a feeling your FILs won't feel the same.  To them, it's worth it.  For FI and I, we decided to accept their offer to host and then butt out.

Since they won't agree on anything from your list, why not just say "here, do what you want, let me know when and where I have to be that night".  Sure, it may not be a RD YOU and your FI want, but like PPs said, it's one night - maybe 3 hours - and it makes the FILs feel important.  Even though the RD might be more "formal" than you would like, it's still a nice night out to dinner with family and friends before your big day, <span style="font-style:italic;text-decoration:underline;">it's something you don't have to plan and stress over</span>, and it's in honor of you and your FI.  I would give in on this one and just have fun.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-laws-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:28b04429-a17f-463a-bbe0-40c588fa153aPost:489d910b-eb0c-4e3c-af10-b1f78c5a7428">Re: Future In-laws and the Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]This is the hard thing about posting on the knot, its hard to get a clear picture of what someone's background is without revealing info that I'd rather not do. My future in-laws do not support our upcoming wedding at all. They have made all kinds of comments since we got engaged, even trying to say my ring is fake when it is indeed not. They don't express any interest in the wedding, don't ask how planning is going, and only say negative things about it when they actually do bring it up. They disagree with decisions we make and try to get us to change our minds when they aren't paying for anything.Posted by amadrierith[/QUOTE]

And what is your FI's response to all of this?

mkrupar

I think I'd be a little more worried about why FILs don't support my wedding in three months. That seems like a bigger issue at this point than where the RD is held.

MairePoppy

I do have some sympathy for you about the FIL's negative attitude. Some people just know how to suck the joy out of life.

But still, since they offered and you accepted, you should give them a chance to plan the RD. It's four months till your wedding, so couldn't you give them 2-3 months to come up with a plan? If they don't follow through, you and your parents could probably plan that informal bbq in less than a month.

amadrierith

Oh, my fiance definitely stands up to them when they are saying negative things about us, but he picks and chooses his battles. Both of his parents are unhappy in their own lives, so they don't see the joy in anyone else's or even try to. It's nothing against me or him that they don't support us, he could be marrying someone else and they would still feel that way. It's just the way they are.

My parent's could throw the bbq together in a couple days, but I am still involved in planning the RD from my future in laws. They won't look for restaurants by themselves, they insist we do it, but don't like any of the ones we pick, nor will give us a budget so we know what to look for. It's still stressful for me cause I am basically planning it. Hence part of my reason for wanting to say thanks but no thanks. But my fiance and I will discuss things with his parents to see if we can get them to agree to something, I understand was everyone is saying about how rude it is to withdraw our acceptance. Thank you again for everyone's advice.

RiRi157

Three different stories, which is the true story.

1. Fi told parents thanks but no thanks because you want a fun bbq.
2. They are willing to pay but don't want you to marry their son.
3. You are still looking for a place for the RD for his parents to host.

Sounds like you just want it your way and you keep changing your story because not many on this board agree with you.

You said they have made all kinds of comments since we got engaged, than you say they don't express any interest in the wedding. you than go on to say   They disagree with decisions we make and try to get us to change our minds when they aren't paying for anything.
Which is it, do they express interest or not.

janicejab

  I think it may be a difficult situation for your FILs. Maybe their offer to host the RD was their way of being more supportive, and it got taken away from them. I'm sure they aren't the easiest people to get along with, but your FI should talk to them about this. Maybe he should say something to them like "We know you were trying to make our day more special and support us, it just seems that the RD plans are getting out of control. None of us should be stressing about this, so let's try to come up with a plan together to figure everything out."