WWYD? Long.

crash2729

So I just got a FB message from one of my BMs today. 

Basically she was giving me permission to kick her out of my wedding. She said that I "left her in the dark" about my wedding planning. Honestly she knows about as much as any of my BMs do. One went with me to my inviations and another went dress shopping and to the fitting with me. 

So..that's 2 out of my 4 bridesmaids and two events out of all my wedding planning that they have been involved in. 
They all know the same basic stuff (Colors,venue...etc). 

She somehow got the impression I didn't want her there. She came to the BM dress shopping and asked to try on long dresses (she knew I wanted short, so yes I was annoyed TBH) and at the bridesmaids dress thing I asked her to come to the fitting! She said she would, but that was the day of her housewarming party and I guess she was too busy. 

I sent her an "I'm going to try to make it to your party but no promises" text on Friday and I'm just now hearing ANYTHING from her. 

I haven't replied to her because I think she's way off base and I don't even know what to say to her. 

FebDallasBride

Yikes. It sounds like from reading this she is trying to blow you off, but is turning the tables on you to feel guilty about it. I would say sit her down and attempt a heart-to-heart to find out what exactly she expects as far as wedding planning info from you, and try to go from there.

Mine have only asked me info on how quick to get their dress altered, and what time on rehearsal day to be in town.

I hope you can work things out and she quits being poopy

Tiffany_UTA

Maybe she just doesn't want to do it and doesn't know how to say it. I'd let her go if she's not interested and thats what she wants. Def you need to talk to her and see what she wants to do. I'd tell her no pressure either way. Nothing worse than DRAMA!

FebDallasBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_wwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e19d6eeb-e294-4ad9-8212-fe7a31dbcb33Post:549e62c3-83df-4ae5-acaf-5c576f6fbcad">Re: WWYD? Long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? Long. : Yep. The only thing I feel guilty about it trying so hard NOT to be a bridezilla that I wonder if I alienated my whole WP from me. A little backstory: Her and her H built a house, I knew when they were supposed to move and I asked her when she was moving because I had said I would help. It took longer to close so she told me "not to worry about it". Fast foward 2 weeks and she asks on FB for people to help. I replied that I was free any night just let me know. She responded to the two other people that responded before and after me...but did not respond to me. <strong><em>I tried not to get butt-hurt about it but after she didn't respond to my housewarming party text, it was hard not too</em></strong>. 
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I don't see how you couldn't be hurt over this. I'm so sorry :(

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_wwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:102Discussion:e19d6eeb-e294-4ad9-8212-fe7a31dbcb33Post:7a219f01-725b-41f7-88e8-5fe3529c3d28">Re: WWYD? Long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? Long. : I don't see how you couldn't be hurt over this. I'm so sorry :(
Posted by FebDallasBride[/QUOTE]
My outlook was: I'm scrawny. If all the boxes are packed, I'm probably just going to be in the way but FFS, answer me don't just pretend I'm invisible.

cwaggoner07

I agree that she probably doesn't want to do it anymore, but she can't come out and say it. It's like the high school relationship where he didn't want to come out and break up with you so he starts acting really weird and mean until you do it.

But I don't want you to break up your wedding party! TBH if it were me, and I can be a doormat, I would apologize and just say that even though she's under a lot of stress I can't imagine her not being there and y'all will look back and be glad you worked it out.
I'm not saying that's the RIGHT thing to do... but I hate confrontation so I usually just grovel.

professorscience

I agree with Wendi.  I think I would respond to the message that she is no more "in the dark" than anyone else, and that you didn't want to bombard your WP with a ton of unnecessary emails.  When there is something important, then she will know.

Then I would assure her that she was asked to be in the WP because she is a very special friend and standing there with you is, of course, her choice, but you would really like her to be there.

The ball needs to be in her court.  If her feelings are hurt over not being bridezilla'd, then, to be blunt, she's being dumb.  If there's some misunderstanding, then hopefully you can just work it out.

I'm so sorry this is happening.  =(

kristan1022

Yeesh... Kathleen I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! Like Amanda said I'd let her know that you didn't intentionally leave her out of anything. Carrie is right though, it sounds like she wants to back out but would rather make it seem like it is your fault. Didn't you just pick your BM dresses recently? Did she order hers? Maybe she doesn't want to pay for it, since they just built a house? IDK, I'm at a loss. I can't imagine acting like that toward someone who is supposedly my friend... it kinda seems like she needs to grow up. Hope your day gets better

MarieSD

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_wwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:e19d6eeb-e294-4ad9-8212-fe7a31dbcb33Post:29628b8f-d3ff-4be2-b38d-29d019ea1c1a">Re: WWYD? Long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? Long. : Yes, we all went (minus her because it was the day after she moved) while they were on sale. She said she would go later that week. Then she asks me "When I want her to go?"  I told her when the sale ended and told her whenever was good for her. 
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I'm totally guessing here, but it sounds like she expects everything to be an event, and you're just like "just go pick up the dress. It's not a big deal."

When she got married, were you in her wedding party? Do you know if she made a big event out of every little wedding-related thing? Or maybe she was a BM in the past and that was how it was, and she assumes every bride is like that.

It kind of sounds like she feels hurt that you're not making a bigger deal of everything, and she thinks that means she's being left out.

If it were me, I'd probably ask to meet her for coffee so we could chat and you can reassure her that there's just nothing to be left out of -- there's not much for the BM to do until the wedding day!

I didn't have anything exactly like this, but I did go with several BMs to go dress shopping and told them to pick whatever style they liked, in whatever shade they liked. One girl asked which one I liked on her best, and when I answered, she bought that one. I later heard she was upset because she'd actually liked a different one, but felt obligated to buy my favorite. Ugh! I had tried to be SO clear that I didn't care what they wore and just wanted them to be happy, but it was like they didn't believe me.

professorscience

Marie raises a good point.  My MOH would call me all the time upset that my other BMs were not "participating" enough.  I tried to explain to her that I didn't expect much out of the BMs except to buy the dress and show up.  I think talking to her would be a really good idea.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_wwyd-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:e19d6eeb-e294-4ad9-8212-fe7a31dbcb33Post:8f59565b-1e09-47e3-aa2c-eb3a5a1b292e">Re: WWYD? Long.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD? Long. : I'm totally guessing here, but it sounds like she expects everything to be an event, and you're just like "just go pick up the dress. It's not a big deal."<strong> When she got married, were you in her wedding party? Do you know if she made a big event out of every little wedding-related thing? </strong>Or maybe she was a BM in the past and that was how it was, and she assumes every bride is like that. It kind of sounds like she feels hurt that you're not making a bigger deal of everything, and she thinks that means she's being left out. If it were me, I'd probably ask to meet her for coffee so we could chat and you can reassure her that there's just nothing to be left out of -- there's not much for the BM to do until the wedding day! I didn't have anything exactly like this, but I did go with several BMs to go dress shopping and told them to pick whatever style they liked, in whatever shade they liked. One girl asked which one I liked on her best, and when I answered, she bought that one. I later heard she was upset because she'd actually liked a different one, but felt obligated to buy my favorite. Ugh! I had tried to be SO clear that I didn't care what they wore and just wanted them to be happy, but it was like they didn't believe me.
Posted by MarieSD[/QUOTE]
Yes, I was in her WP. <div>She actually got mad at me that I wasn't able to go make her invitations because it was FI's moms birthday. </div>

courtski2004

I was in a situation where my best friend pulled some really ridiculous shiz 8 months before my wedding, which resulted in her not being a BM and me not having the desire to speak to her until this past October--almost a year from the incident.
Looking back, even though she was acting really fishy and non-interested, I still wish that we would have had a sit down dinner/chat. I guess it was logistically challenging since she lives in Kansas, but I still wish that I would have reached out to her so I wouldn't constantly question whether I handled the situation in the best possible way. I had a complete disregard for etiquette, never officially 'dismissed' her from the wedding party, and really took the situation to silent, dramatic extremes. What can I say...I was raised in a very passive aggressive household.
I would reach out to her and talk to her. Let her know that with your schedule, the holidays, the stress of buying a new home, etc. have really been a lot to deal with--in addition to planning a wedding! If you chose her to be a BM, she is very special to you, and this is the kind of difficult conversation that you are able to have. Express your frustration that you had after she dismissed your offer to help move. Let her know that you interpreted her message as a request to be let go from the WP, but don't ask her flat out if that is what she wants. That will give her the opportunity to spell out how she feels and if she doesn't take that opportunity, then you will know that she truly wants to be a BM. She needs to be a big girl and say it...I wouldn't just assume it without having a talk though. Be open and honest with her because if the tables were turned, you would expect the same respect from that good of a friend.

winechic25

Kathleen, this totally sucks!! A lot of good feedback above, good luck!

cwaggoner07

Courtski... GREAT advice.

Jay&Marissa

As someone who has moved 4 times in the past 5 years and is about to do it again:

Only an idiot refuses help moving.