Divorced parents - how to deal

TinyDancer06

I'm sure there have already been posts on this subject, however I am unfamiliar with how to search the boards for information.  My parents split up when I was about 6 years old, and it took another 6-7 for the divorce to finalize.  It was an extremely messy situation, where the courts actually split up my younger brother and I.  My parents typically do not share the same space ever unless it is in a courtroom, and there is tension between my mother and my father's side.  Think Montague and Capulet situation. I do not want to have to hire a lawyer or a cop for my wedding to keep the peace.  I also want my female relatives on my dad's side to be there for the shower, and other events (as much as I'd love for them to help me pick out my dress, it is a pipe dream).  My mother is the biggest instigator of them all.  i've had many talks with her, even before getting engaged, that when I get married, it will be my day and she'll have to suck it up and play nice.  But I'm afraid that despite the talks, it will not work this way.  Has anyone else out there dealt with divorced parents who, even after 20+ years later, refuse to get along?  How do I deal??

Maggie0829

I have not had to deal with a situation like this and I am sorry that you are having to.  I would have one final talk with both sides (mom and dad) and say that for the wedding and any pre-wedding events that you would like them both, including any additional family members, to act civil towards one another.  Just because they are in the same room does not mean that they need to speak, but they should, as adults, act accordingly.

From there, I would invite who you want to what you want.  This is your and your FI wedding and you should be able to share it with who you want.  If they act up or make a scene that will reflect poorly on them NOT you and your FI.

I am just amazed that so many adults can act so childishly.  I hope everything goes well and just try to stay out of the drama as much as you can.  Good luck!

JaxInBlue

My parents are also divorced and I was really nervous about bringing both sides of the family together as it had not happened that frequently in the 15+ years in the separation.  I think Maggie has the right idea.  You should, as nicely but tactfully as possible, have one final, frank discussion with each of your parents about your expectations of the day - you want it to be happy and positive, you are looking forward to celebrating with everyone, you are excited to invite your family since they have been important to you, etc.  I think you need to decide how well setting behavioral expectations would go over before you say anything; telling my parents that I expected them to play nice with the exes would have gotten me in a lot of trouble.

I think you can also be preemptive in telling your parents what you can do to make them comfortable and keep them apart.  You can decide to take separate pictures with each branch, plan now to seat your parents in separate rows and at separate tables.  I think if you can demonstrate that you don't expect them to be buddy-buddy, it may allay some fears and nip some drama in the bud.

MairePoppy

You should not allow your parents to drag you into the middle of their animosity toward each other. Since mom is a frequent offender, you should acknowledge that she has her reasons for her negative feelings toward your dad. That's not to say that you agree with her, just that you are aware. Let her and  dad know that you expect both parents to act like adults at your wedding and any event connected with the wedding. After that, refuse to discuss either parent (or their respective relatives) with the other.

I would suggest you use table assignments to keep the families separate. Give your mom, dad and your fils their own tables to host. They should choose the guests for their own tables.

If any of the parents are contributing to the wedding budget, make sure they know how much you appreciate their help.

If you want to search the boards for posts on this subject, scroll down to the bottom and enter 'divorced parents' into the search boards bar. There are many, many threads on this subject.

Good luck with your planning.

*edited - spelling

chrryblndchick

The best advice is from all PP. I too have to deal with this kind of situation. I only have two things to add:

1) I know exactly how you feel. My parents got divorced when I was 11 and almost 15 years later my mother is the one still holding a grudge. Sometimes I just want to scream at her to get the eff over it already! I get the bridal shower issue too. I am very close with my stepmom and I'm the only girl for both mom and stepmom. Stepmom is all excited about being a MOB (which I considered her to be) and this is her only chance. She wants to plan a bridal shower with my mom and have everyone from all families together, but at the same time she doesn't want to step on my mother's toes. Woo family drama.

2) *HUGS*

Not much for advice, but hopefully you don't feel quite so alone in your own drama.

AlmostMrsStrong

Oh god... I didn't even think about the bridal shower. 

OP, my parents are divorced too. My mom and dad get along pretty well, actually, Its the families that don't get along to well. My half-sister decided seemingly out of the blue that she hates my mother, so I have no idea how it's going to work. Wamt to be wedding buddies and keep each other posted on how to manage?

Jack2012

   I don't have more for advice yet since I have the same hurdles to eventually take care of but you are most definately not alone! 

   It's been 6+ years since my mom cheated/parents split/remarried 3 months after the ink had dried.  They do not have a good relationship at all. My older sister's wedding happened a year after the divorce and my dad spent most of the reception down the street at a bar with my uncle.  And you can forget about graduations, sporting events, or anything where he might have to see them.  I get it and totally take his side but there comes a point when you just want to shake them all and tell them to grow the heck up.
     While all three sides of my family (step included) are fairly good at getting along I've already had to tell my dad that I wan't him there more than anything and to actually BE there, not to go hide because he's still holding a grudge.


    I wish you all the best with sorting through things!  Keep your head up and remember at the end of the day all that matters is that you're married to the person you love.