Moms and Maids

Control freak FMIL

My FI is the youngest of 3 boys, he's 26, and right now we're living w/ his parents. He is a complete and total mama's boy. While he was in high school and college he dated a girl, we'll call her "K" for 6 years. Given how long they dated, "K" thought they would be married and her and my FMIL planned to have her wedding in the front yard. Now, my FMIL wants me to do the same thing, and if I don't then no one will come to the wedding. We aren't sure as to where we want to get married, but one thing is certain, it will not be in the front yard. My FMIL is extremely controlling. If she isn't in control she's miserable. It's ridiculous. It was like pulling teeth to get her to actually take my FI to dinner where he wanted for his birthday instead of where she wanted. We just recently became engaged and not planning to be married for almost 2 years. How do I tell her I'm not having my wedding in her front yard and deal with future control issues?
Future Mrs. Jonathan Walker :)Daisypath Anniversary tickers Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Control freak FMIL

  • You don't - at least alone.  Your FI should be the one who tells her, gently first, then bluntly if needed, that  you and he have a different idea for your wedding.  If he can't do that, what you have is not a FMIL problem but a FI problem.  If after he (or you two together) tell her you will be having a different kind of wedding, if she persists with the "no one will come" antics call her bluff.  Tell her she, and any others who cannot attend, will be missed.

    I would definitely not accept financial contributions from her at this point, and I might consider if you really need to live with her or if you two can find your own space.  Distance from her might reinforce that you two are a different couple with different goals and ways of doing things.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:3197cf08-a7eb-476b-8919-445af1dbf5f6">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Control freak FMIL : 1.  You say,  "No.  We have other plans." 2.  You will be dealing with control issues as long as this lady is alive.  She is your FMIL, and you will have to continue to deal with her if you plan to marry her son.  The real question is, how does your FI deal with her control issues?
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
     

    Him and his brothers just let it go in one ear and out the other. She's even said rude things to me while he was gone to work. I called him crying but he told me that he wasn't there so he couldn't say anything to her about it. But she won't say anything like that to me while he's around.
    Future Mrs. Jonathan Walker :)Daisypath Anniversary tickers Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:9d5fcd92-08be-4497-a9f6-034f69cc02c1">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]You don't - at least alone.  Your FI should be the one who tells her, gently first, then bluntly if needed, that  you and he have a different idea for your wedding.  If he can't do that, what you have is not a FMIL problem but a FI problem.  If after he (or you two together) tell her you will be having a different kind of wedding, if she persists with the "no one will come" antics call her bluff.  Tell her she, and any others who cannot attend, will be missed. I would definitely not accept financial contributions from her at this point, and I might consider if you really need to live with her or if you two can find your own space.  Distance from her might reinforce that you two are a different couple with different goals and ways of doing things.
    Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]


    Right now I'd love to move out, unfortunately I'm unemployed and supposed to go back to school in Jan. to finish my degree, which thankfully will take 1 semester. If this tells you anything about her, we have been planning to eventually move into their lake house 20 minutes away, which is closer to his work and where I am wanting to work once I get my degree. She had a fit because the whole family lives on one private road and 20 minutes away is too far away.
    Future Mrs. Jonathan Walker :)Daisypath Anniversary tickers Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:ef81bdf2-7de2-4c9c-9cb3-51c0164a7972">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL :   Him and his brothers just let it go in one ear and out the other. She's even said rude things to me while he was gone to work. I called him crying but he told me that he wasn't there so he couldn't say anything to her about it. But she won't say anything like that to me while he's around.
    Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]


    ooooh boy.

    Your problem isn't a controlling FMIL, it's a spineless FI.  I'm sorry.  I urge you to seek counseling before marrying a man who will always put his mother before you.  It is possible to fix this, but if you don't fix it now it is a recipe for a lifetime of misery.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:84a654a5-2572-4dbf-b0a1-6c04b251a509">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL : ooooh boy. Your problem isn't a controlling FMIL, it's a spineless FI.  I'm sorry.  I urge you to seek counseling before marrying a man who will always put his mother before you.  It is possible to fix this, but if you don't fix it now it is a recipe for a lifetime of misery.
    Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]


    I've spoken to my FI's SIL, who had the same problem w/ the middle brother, she said that when they moved out and got married it got a whole lot better. We are planning to move out ASAP. Right now I'm just having to bite my tongue and deal w/ it. This woman gets her way with everything. But I refuse to let her get her way with my wedding. She's already had her wedding and had it her way. Now it's my turn.
    Future Mrs. Jonathan Walker :)Daisypath Anniversary tickers Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:fb6a7930-e00d-40a5-9335-b57a75ec73c8">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL : I've spoken to my FI's SIL, who had the same problem w/ the middle brother, she said that when they moved out and got married it got a whole lot better. We are planning to move out ASAP. Right now I'm just having to bite my tongue and deal w/ it. This woman gets her way with everything. But I refuse to let her get her way with my wedding. She's already had her wedding and had it her way. Now it's my turn.
    Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]

    This woman gets her way with everything because her momma's boy son allows it. Actions speak louder than words. She's more important to him than you are. Hope you're ready for a lifetime of her coming before you. I guarantee it won't end with the wedding or moving out.
  • Uffda. Your FI needs to grow a set and tell this hag to knock it off. If not, it's pretty clear she will always come first. If he won't stand up to her now, you need to bail. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:101393a4-d605-4e31-8656-eeb194a12e4a">Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE] He is a complete and total mama's boy. Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]

    All your problem come down to this one issue. Get relationship counseling with your fi. If he won't go with you, don't marry him.
                       
  • Cart before the horse.  On the NEY board, you said you were not engaged and that you and your BF were going to go look at rings next spring.  If your BF's mother wants to discuss a wedding, for now you can simply say, "we'll make those decisions after we are engaged."  In the mean time, I agree with PP, you need to make sure that your BF/FI/whatever will respect you enough to address his mother's poor behavior.  Good luck.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:10ef9dbb-405d-40ab-a18e-4ef5217c9d5d">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL : Right now I'd love to move out, unfortunately I'm unemployed and supposed to go back to school in Jan. to finish my degree, which thankfully will take 1 semester. If this tells you anything about her, we have been planning to eventually move into their lake house 20 minutes away, which is closer to his work and where I am wanting to work once I get my degree. She had a fit because the whole family lives on one private road and 20 minutes away is too far away.
    Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]

    So you are moving out of her house and move into another house that she owns? Why can't you cut ties and live somewhere else after you finish schools? Perhaps an apartment of some kind?

    She will continue to control you and your wedding as long as you live under her roof. Money = Power.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:ef81bdf2-7de2-4c9c-9cb3-51c0164a7972">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL :   Him and his brothers just let it go in one ear and out the other. She's even said rude things to me while he was gone to work. I called him crying but he told me that he wasn't there so he couldn't say anything to her about it. But she won't say anything like that to me while he's around.
    Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]

    My MIL showed up to my 30th birthday celebration without an invitation because I had told her my plans.  It was supposed to be a night out with friends, but it just kinda ended when she showed up.  My H was livid and he told her how out of line she was to do that.  He stood and continues to stand up for me.  As PP said, you need to have premarital counseling and get out of that house quick.  Maybe if you can find a part time job, it will give you both some extra money to move out.  You can still finish school too.

    Also, for the sake of internet privacy, you should remove your FI's name from your siggy.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:3183066c-6058-4aa9-8b51-3d1b66002668">Re:Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Control freak FMIL: Run. Now. I don't often advise women on this board to end their relationships, but this is not a FMIL problem. It's a FI problem, and any man who won't stick up for his future wife is an ass and is not likely to change. This problem will only get worse and worse. You can definitely do better, sweetie!
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree with Stage here. Yes, it is not easy to say on our end, and not easy for you to hear, but it's true. If your FI will not stand up for you to his mother, how do you know he will stand by your side in a TRULY difficult situation? Mind you, I adore my future in-laws, but if any of them ever said a foul word about me, I know without a doubt that my FI would stand up for me and put an end to it immediately, even if he wasn't there when it was said.

    I feel for you, sweetie. I was previously married to a man who was EXACTLY how your FI is in these situations (did NOTHING about it.) His mother was a pill, to put it nicely, and his entire family was impossible. (To the point where his sister offered him $20k to not marry me, simply because I had a child from a previous relationship and didn't come from a wealthy family.. mind you, their family was no better off financially than my own). In the end, his family caused us numerous problems, and my exH caused many more by refusing to take my side, stand up for me, etc.
    Praying for a miracle!
  • edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_control-freak-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2e16dbd5-daa1-42d1-b5e5-1b8381d2549ePost:ef81bdf2-7de2-4c9c-9cb3-51c0164a7972">Re: Control freak FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Control freak FMIL :   <strong>Him and his brothers just let it go in one ear and out the other. She's even said rude things to me while he was gone to work. I called him crying but he told me that he wasn't there so he couldn't say anything to her about it.</strong> But she won't say anything like that to me while he's around.
    Posted by kgwilkins89[/QUOTE]

    You have one of the biggest <font color="#ff0000">gigantic red flag waving FI problems</font> I have ever seen on these boards.  I'm with Stage.  The only other time I have ever advised a woman to run was when there was abuse involved.  If he will not take your side and stand up to her NOW, he never will.  If you marry him, you are in for a lifetime of this misery or divorce.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Yep, you need to run away from this family as fast as you can.  None of this is going to change just because you exchange rings.
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2012
    According to your thread in Not Engaged Yet, he isn't buying a ring or proposing until you graduate next spring/summer. You are not engaged yet. Stop worrying about wedding crap.

    Worry about how much he allows her to control him, to the point of brushing you off when you call him in tears, and ask yourself if you really want to live in her lake house, where she can continue to control him. That's your primary issue right now. She is #1 in his life right now, and she will continue to be #1 once he actually proposes (whenever that is).
  • I agree with everyone's advice.  Focus on school and establishing yourself as an independent, smart, and successful woman, before you worry about anything else. 
    Anniversary

  • Just for more reinforcement, I ditto everything about the red flag with this guy. 

    My FI would have gone ape sh*t on his family if I called him crying about his family being rude.  The very very very least your FI should have done is called his mother to find out what had happened/her side of it.
     
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