This is a question about grandparents more than parents. My FI's parents have been divorced for less than 10 years, and his mother is remarried. They literally have not laid eyes on each other since the divorce as my FI and her new husband moved to S.C. and his father stayed in Manhattan. My FI's grandparents on his mothers side (maternal grandparents) still live in Manhattan. The divorce was not clean on either side and there is still a lot of resentment, bitterness, and even hatred.
So... we talked to both parents and they agreed to share a table at the reception. They would be sharing a table with each other, the grandparents, my FI Uncle and Aunt, the step-father, and two family friends, for a total of 8 people. My parents will be "hosting" their own table. Our reception site is small and we are only having 75 people, and we are trying to keep our table numbers at a minimum so we have more dancing floor space.
Problem- my FI grandfather has declared that not only will he not sit with my FI's father, he doesn't want to even see him. And if we try to force the issue, he won't come.
Now I say "fine, don't come", but my FI is reluctant to draw the line, and I don't blame him. It is tricky.
So we are thinking of seperating his family into two tables of four, which will look silly but who really cares about that.
Now here is the problem. The grandfather is all set to make a huge, childish, scene. We can solve the problem of them not sitting together, but no way are they going to be able to avoid literally seeing each other. No one else is making a big deal about this. My FMIL has tried to talk to the grandfather, but he won't budge.
(Just a background on the grandfather- he is not senile or has dementia, he is very lucid and in general good health (upper 70's). He is also extremely racist (refers to Asian people "charlie", etc.) and has asked my FI if our priest will be able to take the time to marry us in between molesting small boys. Everyone in his family just excuses his behavior on the basis that he is "old", and therefore "cute". I don't think he is that old, and def not cute.)
So what would you guys do? If the grandfather doesnt come, the grandmother won't come, which would be a shame cuz it isn't her fault and she doesnt feel this way. It is obviously more important for me to have my future father in law there then the grandfather. You just can't talk to this guy, and I am picturing a ceremony punctuated with religious slurs against the priest and a reception centered around a very loud old man who has had a bit too much to drink and who has been known to resort to being physical.
My FI is afraid we won't be welcome to visit with his grandparents if the grandfather decides not to come. The grandfather is insisting that my FI tell his father he is not welcome. I love his dad and we are all very close, and besides, his dad has helped pay for things and has been very generous.
Advice?
Thanks!
