Engaged only 5 days and FMIL problems already!

Melissa42789

My new fiance and I have been together for 3 years now and everything has been fine between me and his mother until now. We spent some time with her and her family for the holiday and decided to head out a day early and she flipped out....ON ME!! Saying I'm being selfish while screaming in my face calling me numerous cuss words and made is explicitly clear that she hates me.

My fiance calmed her down while I waited outside and needless to say, it was best for everyone we left at this point. But oh what to do now? And on top of it, we have engagement dinner reservations next Sunday with her and her 20-something boyfriend, his dad and step-mom and dad, and my parents.

Any advice from on how to ease the tension with his mom?

banana468

Well, I hope your FI said, "Mom, you can NEVER talk to my FI that way again ever."

It's one thing that he calmed her down.  It's a completely different thing if he didn't tell her that what she was doing was unacceptable.

Then you don't have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem.

[Deleted User]

Ditto banana. Your FI needs to have a talk with her. If you don't get a handle on it now, you will still be dealing with it after you are married.

trix1223

ditto banana.  While you do have a potential FMIL problem, it appears that you might have a bigger FI problem.

And I'm interested in hearing the backstory here.  No one, and I mean NO ONE goes from 3 years of a good relationship to screaming and cursing at someone because they leave a gathering a day early.  There has to be more here that we're not being told.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_engaged-only-5-days-fmil-problems-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:317175ba-242c-45cb-a233-7c791fa9129cPost:5d63024a-8b0a-4d85-ad31-7d51b2edcd7f">Engaged only 5 days and FMIL problems already!</a>:
[QUOTE]My new fiance and I have been together for 3 years now and everything has been fine between me and his mother until now. We spent some time with her and her family for the holiday and decided to head out a day early and she flipped out....ON ME!! Saying I'm being selfish while screaming in my face calling me numerous cuss words and made is explicitly clear that she hates me. My fiance calmed her down while I waited outside and needless to say, it was best for everyone we left at this point. But oh what to do now? And on top of it, we have engagement dinner reservations next Sunday with her and her 20-something boyfriend, his dad and step-mom and dad, and my parents. Any advice from on how to ease the tension with his mom?
Posted by Melissa42789[/QUOTE]

tldh

What in the world happened?  You can't tell me she just flipped out because you decided to head out early.  When you say that everything until now has been fine, do you mean you were civil with eachother or were you friendly.


Methinks there is much more that you are leaving out.

deepcovejackie

I think it sounds really random that she would *suddenly* flip out on you after 3 years.  I agree with pp's, there must be a backstory here.

Kristin789

You don't have a problem.

Your FI has a problem with his mother - and HE will need to fix it.
His mother = his business.  Not yours.

awolfe2

This is a wedding advice board, not a trained clinician's office. A lot of people flip out, and most of them are not bipolar. Making that assumption probably isn't a good idea and a true diagnosis certainly cannot be attained from an anecdotal story.

Speechie1970

First of all, it was absolutely not okay that you were treated this way.  I read a great book called Emotionally Enagaged: A Brides Guide the "Happiest" Time of her Life.  There is a section on families behaving badly that helped me get through an issue with my own family.  This was a geat book that really helped me understand my own emotions when I became engaged.  You have known your FMIL for long enough to know if there was going to be a problem with her.  Who knows why she reacted the way she did to your leaving a day early, but my guess it is some emotional issue she is not doing a good job working through as she adjusts to her son's upcoming marriage.  When a couple gets married there is a natural shift in the relationships each person has been in.  Sometimes these natural shifts can be very difficult for your close friends and or family members.  Maybe her reaction was about her feelings about her changing relationship with her son.  There are two sides to this coin.  The first one may be that even thought this is a happy time maybe she is adjusting.  The second side of the coin is that you never have been treated that way.  Just remember - none of us are perfect.  If your relationship has been good for three years I am sure it will be fine, if you can forgive her bad behavior.  Hopefully, her conscious will kick in and she will realize she never should have treated you badly.  I am truly sorry you had to go through that.  It must have been very upsetting.  Good luck - and read the book!  It is great!

ChanelShades

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_engaged-only-5-days-fmil-problems-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:317175ba-242c-45cb-a233-7c791fa9129cPost:07745a57-61e4-44ba-b860-7afc1e2b2607">Re: Engaged only 5 days and FMIL problems already!</a>:
[QUOTE]ditto banana.  While you do have a potential FMIL problem, it appears that you might have a bigger FI problem. And I'm interested in hearing the backstory here.  No one, and I mean NO ONE goes from 3 years of a good relationship to screaming and cursing at someone because they leave a gathering a day early.  There has to be more here that we're not being told.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree. It is completely possible for a FMIL to flip the script as soon as they find out about an engagement. I am living proof. </div>

ChanelShades

Go. Be cordial. And if stuff gets out of line....let your FI handle it. If that doesn't work...then you handle it. Tell her you won't tolerate being spoken to in that manner. If she hates you for the rest of her life. Oh well. Life goes on.