Birthmother and the one that's always been there

melissaswed2013

Ok so a little background....my stepdaughters(technically but I just consider them my daughters) I have been in their life since they were 3 an 5 years old.  They don't have a good relationship with their mother, the oldest has no relationship and the youngest has a little bit of one.  She text her and sees her maybe 2-3 times a year even though she lives close.  Well my youngest girl is getting married in July and her dad and I are paying for all of it.  We have had a great time planning together and my daughter has involved myself and my mom in everything(she's very close to her grandma).  Her biological mother has been asked to go pick out her dress, go pick out bridesmaids dresses but she has choosen not to.  She only wants to be involved when it makes her look good to others.  Anyway my sister and my cousin are hosting a shower for my daughter and I'm not sure if we should invite the mother.  I know according to etiquette we should but she is only nice to me if she has to be.  She has called me names which is one reason my girls moved out of her house and in with us.  I'm at a lose here.  My daughter is one that doesn't like confrontation and hates hurting people's feelings.

My other vent is I'm afraid the mother will try and "take over" during the actual wedding and have me left out.  The day is about our daughter but she's the kind that tries to make it about her and pretend to be the perfect mom.

Any advice on whether we should invite her and not to get my feelings hurt during the wedding.

s-aries8990

This is your daughter's wedding, and if she wants her birth mother to be invited to the shower and to be involved in the wedding process, there is't much you can really do without risking negative feelings with your daughter. Have a private conversation with DD regarding your apprehensions regarding her birth mother and then be the bigger person. Invite her to the shower and allow DD to let her come to look at dresses if DD wants her there.

It's DD's "show" to direct and you need to have confidence that the woman you raised will treat you with respect and see Birthmom for what she's done and who she continues to be.

However, she does not need to be and should not be present during any conversations regarding what you and DH are paying, as it's none of Birthmom's business.

MairePoppy

You should ask your daughter if she would like her bio mom to be invited to the shower. For the few hours of the party, with half of it being focused on your daughter opening gifts, the interaction between you  and bio mom should be polite and minimal. You can do this for your daughter, if that's what she wants, right?

The wedding - everyone will know who the hosts are by the wording of the invitation. If your daughter's bio mom tries to pass herself off as the host, she will look like an a$$.From what you have said, no one will be surprised about that.

Simply Fated

It's really up to your daughter if she wants her mom there or not. If her mom does try to make it all about her, people will notice and it'll make her look bad. So don't worry about that.

mcda04

I agree with PP's that Bio mom should only be invited if DD wants her there. If she chooses to invite her, be cordial and civil with her.

Your daughters are what you made them out to be so bio mom does not get credit for your hard work. I get that you're a little jealous that she still gets to be around when you raised them but if their relationship is non-existant, you have nothing to worry about.

There's no way for her to be the center of attention when the shower is for your daughter.

melissaswed2013

Thank you everyone.  My daughter has always be concerned about others feelings  so she wouldn't want anyone left out, she is just a great young lady.  I will ask her if she would like her mother to be invited and then go from there.

MangoSong

You daughter's wedding is about your daughter. I would put her mother on the list, and then allow your daughter to take her off if she feels she does not want to invite her. Asking her straight out might put her in an uncomfortable position. It seems that she loves you, and probably knowing you and her birth mother don't get along, if confronted, she might try and please you and say don't invite her - something she MIGHT regret later on down the line.

As far as her mother coming in and "taking over." She might try to do that, but I doubt it will happen. Her birth mother has had little contact wit her birth daughter and clearly you are her mother, there is no way your daughter will allow that to happen.