Moms and Maids

Whats your mom of groom doing?

Hi knotties,

Wondering if you can give advice.  My FI and I are paying for wedding ourselves (wedding's in November). I must admit, I am a planner by nature so we've got pretty much everything covered: food, venue, dress, music, photographer, colors, theme etc.  My mom is helping with decorating/set up the day of the wedding. The problem is my Fi thinks his mom is mad because we havent asked her to do anything.  Well, to be honest since we got engaged his parents havent really asked us any questions about the wedding or offered to do anything.  Months ago I asked his dad if he wanted to give a few words during the wedding and he said no.  They dont seem interested yet now his mom is angry. My mom, on the otherhand, is very embracing. She asks questions and as a result, I share info with her.  In an attempt to try to find something his mom can do to help us I proposed 3 different tasks and invited her to help. No word yet, but if this doesnt do the trick what should i do? There really isnt much left to really help with.  We could OF COURSE use any financial help but no one has offered that and honestly, were not going to ask.  My FI thinks his mom wants to be asked to do something--like we need her but honestly im on top of everything.  Honestly, I think she may be a little confused since she planned her daughter's wedding and has never been a mother of the groom.  I mean, most brides want to plan their own wedding. The mom of groom usually isnt doing a ton of things....

Re: Whats your mom of groom doing?

  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    Don't disclude her now that you know she wants to be involved.  Ask her if there is anything that she would like to do.  Don't tell her what she can do.  She may not dig those tasks.

    I am a planner as well.  That being said, you have to know when to give up some control and delegate or include others in the process.  I am happier doing it myself because it gets done the way I want it and it gets done faster.  However, when family and friends said they wanted to help, I did my best to accommodate their request.  People want to be involved in your wedding planning and execution, but on their own terms. 

    Having been through the wedding process, I can tell you that there is always something to be done, no matter how far ahead you think you are.

    ROCK IS KING!!
  • sallyshopsallyshop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, yeah when I proposed those tasks I also said let me know if theres anything you want to do.  My issue is she gets mad and word gets back to my FI but no one ever asked to do anything. I reached out because I heard she got mad. I didnt include her initially because they seemed so uninterested. Whats a bride to do?
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your fi is putting you in an awkward position. It's not really polite to ask for money (which I see you are not doing) or to assign tasks to anyone. The only thing you can really do ls tell her (for instance) 'I will be working on the wedding favors on Sat afternoon, if you would like to help with that.' If you don't get a response, then there's not much you can do.

    One good job for MOG would be to do the table assignments for their side of the family.
                       
  • sallyshopsallyshop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whats-mom-of-groom-doing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3202e825-dbc2-4535-8d4a-1ad2304516c5Post:54d47280-90a9-435e-b320-0363bcb2c8df">Re: Whats your mom of groom doing?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your fi is putting you in an awkward position. It's not really polite to ask for money (which I see you are not doing) or to assign tasks to anyone. The only thing you can really do ls tell her (for instance) 'I will be working on the wedding favors on Sat afternoon, if you would like to help with that.' If you don't get a response, then there's not much you can do. One good job for MOG would be to do the table assignments for their side of the family.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Oh you mean "Who sits with who?" Thats a good idea! I may propose that to her as well (as long as my FI doesnt get offended! haha He may want to do that... :)
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
     : )
                       
  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is what my mil did and it was incredibly helpful.  She was able to do in one hour what could have taken me a week.

    A suggestion.  I saved my response cards to do table seating and it was really helpful  for both my mil and my mom (she sat her side.)
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Our hope is that she will stay out of my way.  ;)
  • sallyshopsallyshop member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_whats-mom-of-groom-doing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3202e825-dbc2-4535-8d4a-1ad2304516c5Post:ca8a582d-99fe-48a5-a698-f628146b65fc">Re: Whats your mom of groom doing?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our hope is that she will stay out of my way.  ;)
    Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

    Haahahahaha... LOVE IT
  • edited December 2011

    You mentioned that your FI "thinks" your FMIL is upset. Well, if this isn't true, then he's just caused a lot of headache for you. You need to speak with him, and say "Are you sure, Fiance? She hasn't said anything to me. If this isn't true, then you've put me in a really awkward situation."

    Now, assuming it IS true (which is very likely, since a lot of FMILs like to be involved), don't get hung up on what's in the past. She may be upset that you haven't asked her thus far, but onwards and upwards! There is still time and, I'm assuming, lots to do. Don't demand of her to help, that may make it worse (think if you were a FMIL, and your FDIL all of a sudden out of the blue piles a whole bunch of tasks on you. Not exactly friendly, is it?), but invite her to social activities that are wedding related. Such as, you and your maids are making up the favors while you have margaritas and watch TV, or you and your mom are making the centerpieces one afternoon, and you'd love for her to join. Always present it as an open invitation. Ask, don't tell. If she's still mad, there's not much else you can do.

  • edited December 2011
    Don't assume...ask.  My daughter's MIL was thrilled not to do anything but the rehearsal dinner!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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