need some advice (long)

RosannFell

My FFIL, especially FMIL, have been doing a lot of the wedding stuff with me for a variety of reasons.  FMIL is 1) retired 2) fi's family is big on parties/weddings  3) the wdg will be in NJ, where she lives (I don't have a car).  She's super-excited about the wedding and has been a huge help.

By contrast, my mom has not been as involved b/c 1) she works 2) most of my relatives, including my parents, got married at city hall and are not used to making weddings such a big deal 3) she lives in NY, 4) she is not so familar with American wedding traditions. 

My mom seemed sad today, like she feels as though she is being replaced or something.  How can I make sure she knows that I totally appreciate what she has done for me with the wedding (and obviously for me in life)?

banana468

You can always tell her that just because you're going to be someone's DIL does not mean that the relationship you two have is fantastic.

tldh

I would find some way to include her in your wedding planning.  Dress shopping for the both of you?  Making favors?  There has to be something that she can do so that she doesn't feel left out of her own daughter's wedding.

RosannFell

She did go dress-shopping with me, every time but one when my FSIL booked me for an appointment in a location in faraway NJ (she bought her dress herself when she spotted this great dress on sale when she wasn't even looking for one)

I am having her go with me on a weekend to check out the venue so that also she can also help me to pick out the flower arrangements.

I am just trying to think of something special I can do.

MairePoppy

Write your mom a heartfelt letter about how much she means to you and how much you love her. Reminisce about particular incidents in which you were aware of her love and support. That letter will mean a lot to your mom.

There is still plenty of time for your mom to get involved with the wedding planning. Ask her if there are any customs from her culture that she would like to include in your wedding. Make sure you invite her along when you go wedding dress shopping. Keep her updated on the plans, so she doesn't feel excluded.

donnaoneill

Invite her to anything you see fit. My mom came with me to just about everything. Caterer tastings, cake tastings, hair run thru at the salon, DOZENS of my makeup run thrus, etc. 

I'm having both moms light the tapers for the unity candle tradition in my wedding. I also asked my mom for help with flowers because she really likes gardening and etc. Maybe find what your mom is best at it and try to at least get her input to make her feel included. And tell her you're not trying to snub her or anything. 

rapunnzzll

I agree with Maire, send her a heartfelt note/card/letter.  Also talk to her and let her know what all you have coming up and tell her you would love for her to do everything with you, but understand if she can't take time off from work.  Maybe she can choose one or two things that she can get away from work.  I think the main thing is to let her know that you wish she could be there at each step, but understand when she can't be.