Moms and Maids

Can't please everyone... can't stop crying

I am feeling like eloping would be nice right now. I just feel like we can't please everyone. It is so frustrating. My parents lost their job and money is super tight. My mom and I have been cutting people right and left and originally my fiancee and I agreed to keep the cost low. This past weekend he went to his mom's house (whom I love) and they added quite a few people to the list. I just don't know what to do about it. I talked to him about it and he was like "I can add a few hundred dollars". It isn't just that- we were trying to give money back to my parents. I am just frustrated. I want him to have people he really wants, but his parents aren't helping with anything at this point. I haven't had them offer at all. I am just irritated. I don't want to fight about it, but I am really feeling like crap. I am not enjoying it right now. I just don't know what to do.

Re: Can't please everyone... can't stop crying

  • edited December 2011
    I feel like people always say they're thinking about eloping, but are just being dramatic.  I always say that you should seriously consider eloping if the wedding is going to stress you out that much.  For one, if it's this much stress now, I promise it will only get worse. 

    Now, if you cannot actually bear the thought of eloping because you want your big day, then you really need to pull yourself together and look at this a little more objectively.  If your parents are paying for it, then you guys need to just come up a number of how many people FI's family can invite.  So if you had 150, for example - your parents invite 50, you & FI invite 50, and his parents can invite 50.  If they go above that, simply make it clear that they need to cut it down or you and FI will be cutting guests on their behalf.
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-please-everyone-cant-stop-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:368ec7f8-eea6-40c6-ae8d-5c58b72ea5a1Post:d5546a13-f971-4c76-8103-8008cae9677b">Can't please everyone... can't stop crying</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am feeling like eloping would be nice right now. I just feel like we can't please everyone. It is so frustrating. My parents lost their job and money is super tight. My mom and I have been cutting people right and left and originally my fiancee and I agreed to keep the cost low. This past weekend he went to his mom's house (whom I love) and they added quite a few people to the list. I just don't know what to do about it. I talked to him about it and he was like "I can add a few hundred dollars". It isn't just that- we were trying to give money back to my parents. I am just frustrated. I want him to have people he really wants, but his parents aren't helping with anything at this point. I haven't had them offer at all. I am just irritated. I don't want to fight about it, but I am really feeling like crap. I am not enjoying it right now. I just don't know what to do.
    Posted by Jeff&JennaMyers[/QUOTE]

    If your FI thinks a few hundred dollars will cover the cost for a few more people, does he know what the wedding costs are?  If he doesn't, you need to sit down and show him the budget and the costs.  He then needs to tell his mom that she only has x number of invites.  If he does know what this is costing, and he's adding more people knowing your parents' situation, then that is one gigantic red flag about who he is as a person.

    DH and I had a small wedding.  We wrote our guest list in five minutes and figured that if we forgot anyone, they weren't important enough in our lives to include so we never added to it.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-please-everyone-cant-stop-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:368ec7f8-eea6-40c6-ae8d-5c58b72ea5a1Post:d5546a13-f971-4c76-8103-8008cae9677b">Can't please everyone... can't stop crying</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am feeling like eloping would be nice right now. I just feel like we can't please everyone. It is so frustrating. My parents lost their job and money is super tight. My mom and I have been cutting people right and left and originally my fiancee and I agreed to keep the cost low. This past weekend he went to his mom's house (whom I love) and they added quite a few people to the list. I just don't know what to do about it. <strong>I talked to him about it and he was like "I can add a few hundred dollars". It isn't just that- we were trying to give money back to my parents. I am just frustrated. I want him to have people he really wants, but his parents aren't helping with anything at this point. </strong>I haven't had them offer at all. I am just irritated. I don't want to fight about it, but I am really feeling like crap. I am not enjoying it right now. I just don't know what to do.
    Posted by Jeff&JennaMyers[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Red flag. Your FI needs to RESPECT your wishes. If your parents are paying and his is not YOUR PARENTS get the final say in the guest list. You need to tell not only your FI this but HE needs to tell HIS MOTHER. Sit down with your parents and reevaluate your budget for how much they want to pay. Then figure out how many guests you can pay for with that budget. After that you decide how you want to split the guests up be it everyone gets X amount of people or you are going to invite a certain group being just 1st cousins or 2nd cousins, etc.</div><div>
    </div><div>You are not in the wrong for being upset at not only your FI but his mom. STAND UP TO THEM! They are not paying so they should NOT be inviting more people. If they want "extra" guest then <strong>they need to pay (in advance) for them.</strong></div><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div>Good luck.</div><div>
    </div>
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should tell fi that since your parents are no longer employed so you do not feel comfortable taking money from them. You and your fi should figure out how much you can afford to spend without your parent's help. If that means a cake and punch reception after the ceremony, backyard bbq or immediate family only, then that's what you should do. Or you could postpone until the two of you are able to afford something more elaborate.

    Your fi should have offered to contribute his 'few hundred dollars' to the overall cost of the wedding. That's not fair that your parents are cutting their guest list to cut cost and his parents are still adding to the list, when they aren't contributing. Fi should make sure his mom is aware that the situation has changed. And FWIW, the host has the right to limit the guest list.

    Good luck.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    I appreciate everyone's advice. I have collected myself a little more. I think I am overwhelmed and just sick of trying to please everyone (mostly my future mother in law). I do agree that he needs to say something to his mom, but I am trying to figure out how to word it without being the bad guy.
  • orangecrush32orangecrush32 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ditto everything pp said. Sit down with your FI and explain why the guest list is the most expensive part of a wedding. You two need to sit down with your parents and get a number and from there divy up who gets how many (keep it even of course). And then STICK TO IT! Don't let anyone boss you around or twist your arm to add extras to the list. The list is final.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tell your FI to tell his mother, "Mom, due to some financial troubles we are scaling back the guests list. You get X amount of guests to invite. If you want more it is Y amount per person and you need to pay up front for them. If you don't want to pay for them and still go over we will make cuts for you." (also remember to add in extra cost of invites, and any other extras that usually goes with ppl)

    Basically, your (nor your parents) are not the bad guy. Your parents did not have to pay for your wedding, they generously offered, but now for unseen circumstances they are in trouble and can't full commit what they original plan for. His mother is getting a free ride on inviting who she wants, but now it is time for her to pay for what people she is wanting. You should NOT have to feel guilty about this, if your FI thinks money grows on trees then he needs a wake up call that the only people responsible for paying for the wedding is HIM and yourself. He should be thanking profusely to your parents for being so generous and definitely standing up to his mom and tell her "no" when it came to her adding more people.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Under the circumstances, I don't think the MOG should be adding to the guest list, even at her own expense. If she wants to contribute, she should pay for the guests that were already on her list. The brides parents are cutting their list and still accommodating the guests from the grooms side.

                       
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree Maire. If I was OP, I would just take the full step of "if you want your side to be there then pay for it". 
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You shouldn't worry about being the bad guy because your FI should be stepping up to take any heat from his family over this.  If he's not willing to do it, and in fact is contributing to the problem, then you and he need to have a serious talk because it doesn't sound like he's respecting you or your parents right now.

    I have serious concerns about your relationship.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-please-everyone-cant-stop-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:368ec7f8-eea6-40c6-ae8d-5c58b72ea5a1Post:43cbc55a-55df-42ac-999a-e30548945165">Re: Can't please everyone... can't stop crying</a>:
    [QUOTE]I appreciate everyone's advice. I have collected myself a little more. I think I am overwhelmed and just sick of trying to please everyone (mostly my future mother in law). I do agree that he needs to say something to his mom, but I am trying to figure out how to word it without being the bad guy.
    Posted by Jeff&JennaMyers[/QUOTE]

    If you're too scared to talk to your FI about this because you don't want to look like a meanie, you have way more serious problems than how to pay for a few more guests at a wedding that should, at best, be postponed until you figure out your relationship problems. And yes, my dear, you do have them. Big, glaring, sparkly problems that have more red flags than a Chinese parade.

  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-please-everyone-cant-stop-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:368ec7f8-eea6-40c6-ae8d-5c58b72ea5a1Post:f1635cd7-32d4-47ef-b419-b4b4cad7b03a">Re: Can't please everyone... can't stop crying</a>:
    [QUOTE]Tell your FI to tell his mother , "Mom, due to some financial troubles we are scaling back the guests list. You get X amount of guests to invite. If you want more it is Y amount per person and you need to pay up front for them. If you don't want to pay for them and still go over we will make cuts for you." (also remember to add in extra cost of invites, and any other extras that usually goes with ppl) Basically, your (nor your parents) are not the bad guy. Your parents did not have to pay for your wedding, they generously offered, but now for unseen circumstances they are in trouble and can't full commit what they original plan for. His mother is getting a free ride on inviting who she wants, but now it is time for her to pay for what people she is wanting. You should NOT have to feel guilty about this, if your FI thinks money grows on trees then he needs a wake up call that the only people responsible for paying for the wedding is HIM and yourself. He should be thanking profusely to your parents for being so generous and definitely standing up to his mom and tell her "no" when it came to her adding more people.
    Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

    This.

    and someone said something about going over the budget with him and showing him the costs, that would be good too. A lot of guys don't realize exactly how much money everything costs.
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem.

    When FMIL said something about adding people, your FI needed to handle that situation.  And then never say a word more about it.  You and your parents should never have known that FMIL was pushing on the guest list, because FI would have had total respect for you and your parents NOT to raise the numbers and NOT to upset you with some passive aggressiveness to manipulate you.

    What he did was he caved in totally, then he came to you and shoved the extra names on you and your parents, and then when someone finally said something to HIM, he mumbles that he can add a few hundred dollars.

    That's a total RED FLAG.
  • SD3194SD3194 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Take your first and last name out of your username. Internet safety 101.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you have a FI problem, but this definitely wasn't the right way for him to handle it. I'm sure he just wants to make her happy and keep the peace. If he can't tell her what's going on, then sit down together with her and fill her in. Just let her know that, regrettably, it isn't going to be possible to meet her requests. Tell her you're both sorry you weren't more clear and firm from the start  and that maybe your FI didn't understand the complexities behind adding more people when he agreed. He probably just wanted her to stop nagging him and telling her what she wanted to hear was the easy way out. Not a good thing, but a totally normal reaction considering that's his mother and considering the pressure.

    Anyway, if she continues to harp about it after you state your terms, then just keep cool, no matter what, and hopefully she will see your reasoning, if not then, eventually. If I were you, I'd definitely stay away from any lingo implying they get no say so because they aren't paying. You could say, "Well, my parents are financing a great deal of this undertaking and they have even made sacrifices regarding the guest list." That's less accusatory and confrontational than saying "You're not contributing, you get no say." 
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-please-everyone-cant-stop-crying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:368ec7f8-eea6-40c6-ae8d-5c58b72ea5a1Post:bfe8c687-8cfb-454b-bbe2-6cf303c94adb">Re: Can't please everyone... can't stop crying</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you have a FI problem, but this definitely wasn't the right way for him to handle it. <strong>I'm sure he just wants to make her happy and keep the peace. If he can't tell her what's going on, then sit down together with her and fill her in. Just let her know that, regrettably, it isn't going to be possible to meet her requests.</strong>Tell her you're both sorry you weren't more clear and firm from the start  and that maybe your FI didn't understand the complexities behind adding more people when he agreed. He probably just wanted her to stop nagging him and telling her what she wanted to hear was the easy way out. Not a good thing, but <strong>a totally normal reaction considering that's his mother and considering the pressure.</strong> Anyway, if she continues to harp about it after you state your terms, then just keep cool, no matter what, and hopefully she will see your reasoning, if not then, eventually. If I were you, I'd definitely stay away from any lingo implying they get no say so because they aren't paying. You could say, "Well, my parents are financing a great deal of this undertaking and they have even made sacrifices regarding the guest list." That's less accusatory and confrontational than saying "You're not contributing, you get no say." 
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

    No.  No.  and No.

    1. He needs to be more concerned with keeping the peace with the woman he is marrying.  If DH had done this (let his family add more people after my parents had both lost their jobs) it would have been enough for me to consider calling off the wedding.  This speaks to his character if he knew the burden and disregarded it.

    2. This is her FI's problem to solve.  If she gets involved in the  conversation then she will forever be that bitch DIL.  FI made this mess and he's the one who needs to clean it up - <em>alone</em>.

     3. This is not a normal reaction of an adult.  It's the normal reaction of a child who can't stand his ground and does whatever mommy says to keep her from getting more mad.
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  • edited December 2011
    Then his parents do not have the right add people if they are not chipping in. Tell them to buy you a home grown money tree.
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