Bridesmaidzilla

nickimanny

I have been having some issues with one of my maids.  She is very distant from the whole wedding party/wedding planning.  I have tried contacting her with no luck she usually never responds and never gets back to me via text/calls/facebook.  We finally got together and talked and I thought everything was on the right track and seemed okay until the other day. 

My FI and I decided that we were not inviting children except our nieces and nephews, we have 350 people for dinner without children.  This particular maid has an 8 year old and is also my cousin.  When she received her invitation, She proceeded to call her mom and have her mom call my mom because she wanted to know if it was an oversight.  I promptly called her back and explained that no it was not and that we have 350 people for dinner and only invited our nieces and nephews and none of our cousins kids.  She then proceeded to tell me that 'I don't have kids so I don't understand' and that she was hanging up because she was mad and didn't want to say something she would regret.

She hung up on me and I tried to call her back right away so we could resolve this issue and she did not answer .. it has been 3 days and I haven't heard back from her...

What should I do?

pearlaqua

This mother of an 8 year-old isn't required to plan your wedding.

She's also not required to attend if she insists on bullying you into inviting her kid.

Not inviting children sometimes means the parents don't show up.

Summer2011Bride

Well, first she doesn't have to be involved in the wedding or party planning unless she wants to be. So it's OK if she isn't super into everything or doesn't want to talk wedding all the time.

As for the kid thing, you have every right to not have children at the wedding or have a cut-off of sorts, like only nieces and nephews. I would give her some time to cool off and try contacting her again. Did she know all along it was no children? did you ever give her the impression she could bring her child before? Usually I would say that if guests don't want to leave children at home, they don't have to attend. I think that advice can still go for a BM but if you are close to her and really want her in your wedding, then you may need to talk to her and try and find a compromise.

Do you know why she's insistent on bringing her child? Does she have to travel for the wedding? Has she left the child at home before? Can she not find a sitter? I'd see if you can find out WHY she wants to bring her child and see if you can help (ie if she has to travel and doesn't know a sitter in your town, perhaps you could find a reliable one by talking to friends with kids).

nickimanny

Just to clarify I don't think there is anything wrong with her not wanting to plan every part of the wedding with me, I have a maid of honor and sister for that.  I just meant for things regarding the wedding like dress shopping/bridal shower/bachelorette party things of that nature.  I am not sure why she wants to bring her child, she lives in the area and her child's father (who she is not with) could take her or her husbands family.  I had planned on trying to help her work it out but she hung up on me (I guess that is where the Bridesmaidzilla came from) 

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:36ed3579-3f34-41cd-beae-6abfa6800f02Post:0574dfed-5cf6-45f1-9901-d220bc2b1d97">Re: Bridesmaidzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to clarify I don't think there is anything wrong with her not wanting to plan every part of the wedding with me,<strong> I have a maid of honor and sister for that. </strong> I just meant for things regarding the wedding like <strong>dress shopping/bridal shower/bachelorette party things of that nature. </strong> I<strong> </strong>am <strong>not sure why she wants to bring her child</strong>, she lives in the area and her child's father (who she is not with) could take her or her husbands family.  I had planned on trying to help her work it out but she hung up on me (I guess that is where the Bridesmaidzilla came from) 
Posted by nickimanny[/QUOTE]

Still, she doesn't "have" to do any of that.  That's great that you have a MOH and sister who are making themselves available to you for wedding planning. This is good fortune, not a requirement.  Your bridesmaid (the one you 'zilla-ed) hasn't done anything wrong by not being your wedding planner.

It doesn't matter why your friend wants to bring her child, you don't have to let her.  You also don't have to worry about how she could leave her kid at home and come without them. She might choose to not attend at all. That's her prerogative.

ETA: Your bridesmaid does sound like a hothead.  That doesn't mean that you can expect her to do entirely voluntary things for your for your wedding.  I'd imagine that her attitude problem is exacerbated by your unjustified expectations.

nickimanny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:36ed3579-3f34-41cd-beae-6abfa6800f02Post:ab907f28-44fe-48f8-8a4c-8dac04d7540a">Re: Bridesmaidzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaidzilla : Still, she doesn't "have" to do any of that.  That's great that you have a MOH and sister who are making themselves available to you for wedding planning. This is good fortune, not a requirement.  Your bridesmaid (the one you 'zilla-ed) hasn't done anything wrong by not being your wedding planner. It doesn't matter why your friend wants to bring her child, you don't have to let her.  You also don't have to worry about how she could leave her kid at home and come without them. She might choose to not attend at all. That's her prerogative. ETA: Your bridesmaid does sound like a hothead.  That doesn't mean that you can expect her to do entirely voluntary things for your for your wedding.  I'd imagine that her attitude problem is exacerbated by your unjustified expectations.
Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]

I am not expecting her to plan anything.  I meant as far as details, like getting her dress, making sure the days for the mentioned events worked with her and if she would be attending them.  I am sorry if I wasn't clear on that.  I am not expecting her to do anything other than get back to me if she had gotten her dress and if she could attend the mentioned events. 

pearlaqua

It sounds like you have a huge guest list, but is she the only BM or GM with children?

nickimanny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:36ed3579-3f34-41cd-beae-6abfa6800f02Post:e9a7422c-f171-4d64-a68d-e65b7126be19">Re: Bridesmaidzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you have a huge guest list, but is she the only BM or GM with children?
Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]

No she is not the only one and the others were not invited either..  I guess I'll just let the water settle and hopefully she will come around

artbyallie

By the way, it's okay to make an exception for WP members' kids. I'm not saying you have to, but people will (generally, obviously some may get offended anyway) understand if only nieces/nephews and WP kids are invited.

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaidzilla-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:36ed3579-3f34-41cd-beae-6abfa6800f02Post:9d710613-190a-4cbe-937d-9d463789d769">Re: Bridesmaidzilla</a>:
[QUOTE]By the way, it's okay to make an exception for WP members' kids. I'm not saying you have to, but people will (generally, obviously some may get offended anyway) understand if only nieces/nephews and  WP kids are invited.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

Yes, that's what I ws trying to get at.  Unless the WP is enormous and has 40+ kids among them (possible!) it might be a workable solution in this situation.

willywally5

Let her cool off. She will likely show up and be fine. Sounds like she is digging in her heels in hopes you will cave and let her have her way. When you don't, she will either 1) find a sitter; 2) let Mr. 8-year-old spend the evening with his father or grandparents or 3) not attend. Whatever she decides, it's her choice. I really think she's just playing games and will be fine.