Things could get messy...

nikkiborge

Hi all,
I'm at a total loss with my FMIL. She's throwing me a bridal shower but has made it clear that only her side of the family can come. I cant even bring my own mother. So my mom is going to throw me a shower too, is it wrong of me not to invite my FMIL? I dont want to be rude and start my marriage off on his mothers bad side, but I feel like she did it to herself. If she only wants to spend time with her family, I only want to spend time with mine.
Am I acting childish about this? My mom and I are really close and it hurts that she would plan something like a bridal shower that my mom can't even be a part of.
Thanks in advance

AddieCake

Holy wow. I can't even wrap my brain around her not inviting your mother. I agree with Retread. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. 

Ilumine

Turn down the bridal shower. Your marriage, extended familial relationships and the combining of both families need to start off on the right foot. And being excluding is not the right way.

crystaldbl

Do you have a decent relationship with FMIL? I would tell her how I feel. Tell her that you would like both families to get to know each other. Maybe suggest that FMIL and mom plan one party together.

MairePoppy

Both mothers should be invited to both showers. You should turn down FMIL's offer of a shower. If she asks why, tell her the truth. Make sure she gets an invitation to the shower your mother is throwing so she will see how it's supposed to be done.


                          

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_things-could-get-messy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:38e24b35-57ef-4cc3-a4d9-4fa5f5d7bfa6Post:10c73e15-2a33-463a-8766-1cec7ae436ed">Re: Things could get messy...</a>:
[QUOTE]Both mothers should be invited to both showers. You should turn down FMIL's offer of a shower. If she asks why, tell her the truth. Make sure she gets an invitation to the shower your mother is throwing so she will see how it's supposed to be done.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
This. It's not like you are holding out for your whole side to be invited. I mean, not even your mother? That's ridiculous.

Xstatic3333

Thank you for asking this question. My FMIL wants to do something similar and I hadn't realized that it was considered so wrong. I hadn't asked specifically about my Mom, but she keeps specifically mentioning no BP and none of my family. I think she just wants an event to host her way for her friends and family.

Maggie0829

I can understand her not wanting to host your entire side of the family, but not evening allowing your mother to come is a bit of a b$tch move.  I would turn down the shower and tell her why.

Xstatic - your MIL can still host the event her way even if she invites your mother and bridal party.  Since they are being invited they are guests not hosts so I don't really get her worry.  Sorry you are having to deal with this but I would turn down the shower she is offering, especially if your Mother is not invited.

Xstatic3333

Thanks Maggie. Honestly, my prewedding parties are still a ways off so I am hoping she will just forget about the whole thing, which wouldn't be out of character. I am ready to decline if necessary though.

nikkiborge

Thanks for all the advice ladies : I spoke to my fianc about the showers and he said it was a family tradition that the grooms mother or brides in the case if a femail in the family getting married throws a bridal shower for the bride to be. He spoke with her about at least extending an invitation to my mother. She flat out rejected that suggestion. My FMIL in very set in her ways and can be quite critical. Most time I find it VERY difficult to get along with her. This is her only son and I know she would be heartbroken if I turned the shower down. I'm so unbelievably stuck right now. I think what I'm going to do is accept the shower from her. That being said I will also tell her that while I do respect family traditions, I'm really upset that there was no possibility to make a one time acception for my mother. Does that sound reasonable?

jennylee813

Nope, Nikki, it doesn't sound reasonable. I know that you're feeling stuck, but you have to stand your ground. PPs have it right - your wedding is about joining two families, and your FMIL needs to understand that. Joining two families means creating new traditions.

I've been where you are too. My ex MIL was much the same, and she was inappropraitely involved in our lives. She actually tried to get my medical records released to her after DS was born, because he wasn't as chubby as she thought he should be, so I must have been starving him (I was breastfeeding, btw). SHE wanted a dinner at our wedding, SHE wanted to throw a lingerie shower for me, SHE wanted to ... 

Be polite, but firm. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a difficult path, for many years to come.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_things-could-get-messy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:38e24b35-57ef-4cc3-a4d9-4fa5f5d7bfa6Post:3b668bb4-d94e-4067-98c3-4603cf5f2aa5">Re:Things could get messy...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the advice ladies : I spoke to my fianc about the showers and he said it was a family tradition that the grooms mother or brides in the case if a femail in the family getting married throws a bridal shower for the bride to be. He spoke with her about at least extending an invitation to my mother. She flat out rejected that suggestion. My FMIL in very set in her ways and can be quite critical. Most time I find it VERY difficult to get along with her. This is her only son and I know she would be heartbroken if I turned the shower down. I'm so unbelievably stuck right now. I think what I'm going to do is accept the shower from her. That being said I will also tell her that while I do respect family traditions, I'm really upset that there was no possibility to make a one time acception for my mother. Does that sound reasonable?
Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]

You are very kind and gracious.  I think your decision is the best one for the long term situation that she will be your MIL.  When my DD got married, the groom's side threw a LOT of showers, and I was invited to them all, however not the rest of our family.  We were fine with that, as we had a family shower as well, did not include his family with the exception of his mom and sisters, who were BMs.
I WOULD include your FMIL on your side of that family's shower, she can always decline.
Good luck !

MairePoppy

No, that's not reasonable, that's being a doormat. Your FMIL should take your feelings (since the party is supposed to be for you) and etiquette into consideration. She is being rude. She is manipulating you, by making you think she will be heartbroken if you and her son don't do exactly as she wants. That is a pattern of behavior that will not stop with the shower. She will be heartbroken if you don't allow her into the delivery room, too. How are you going to feel about that?

[Deleted User]

Choose your battles.
If my DD had this situation, I would tell her not to worry about me, keep the peace, this is not worth fighting over.  Save the fight for ther situations that sadly may arise during your marriage.

crystaldbl

In Response to Re:Things could get messy...:[QUOTE]Thanks for all the advice ladies : I spoke to my fianc about the showers and he said it was a family tradition that the grooms mother or brides in the case if a femail in the family getting married throws a bridal shower for the bride to be. He spoke with her about at least extending an invitation to my mother. She flat out rejected that suggestion. My FMIL in very set in her ways and can be quite critical. Most time I find it VERY difficult to get along with her. This is her only son and I know she would be heartbroken if I turned the shower down. I'm so unbelievably stuck right
now. I think what I'm going to do is accept the shower from her. That being said I will also tell her that while I do respect family traditions, I'm really upset that there was no possibility to make a one time acception for my
mother. Does that sound reasonable? Posted by nikkiborge[/QUOTE]


You should put your foot down. If you allow her to guilt you into this tradition she will be guilting you into her traditions for a long time to come. You are starting a life with your future husband and that means making your own traditions.

alenglish

Turn it down.

MinniePrincessBride77

I have a sort of similar problem my mother and my  sister (who is my MOH) are throwing my bridal shower and don't want to invite my FMIL because she is terrible to me and we don't have a good relationship at all!! I would like other members of my fiance's family to be invited but don't know how to do this without hurting my FMIL (i don't like her but I don't want to intentionally create even more drama in the family)