Rude/Tacky???

Farmergirl2488

 My current maid of honor asked me to find a replacment because she has been waiting for 4 years for weight loss surgery and just got aproved and doesnt want there to be a problem if the schedual to close to the weding.I found a replacement. Now my cousin asked (current maid of honor pending surgery) informs me she doesnt know if she can keep up with everyone and walk down the aisle. Would it be rude of instead of keeping her as MOH asking her to do one of our 2 readings and telling the stand in MOH thatshe has the job? Also the stand in is all about throwing me a bridal shower and im so thrilled but it isnt really nessicary. She told me even if my cousin can do it she doesnt want me to miss any of the pre wedding parties. Im just so stressed and with the wedding just 17 days away!!!!

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:5d60114b-ea3e-4a02-9d93-fb7ea888be0f">Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE] My current maid of honor asked me to find a replacment because she has been waiting for 4 years for weight loss surgery and just got aproved and doesnt want there to be a problem if the schedual to close to the weding.I found a replacement. Now my cousin asked (current maid of honor pending surgery) informs me she doesnt know if she can keep up with everyone and walk down the aisle. Would it be rude of instead of keeping her as MOH asking her to do one of our 2 readings and telling the stand in MOH thatshe has the job? Also the stand in is all about throwing me a bridal shower and im so thrilled but it isnt really nessicary. She told me even if my cousin can do it she doesnt want me to miss any of the pre wedding parties. Im just so stressed and with the wedding just 17 days away!!!!
Posted by Farmergirl2488[/QUOTE]

You should not replace her.  She can still be the MOH, not walk down the aisle and instead do the reading.

em01092

It's rude to replace an MOH. It often makes the replacement MOH, well, feel like a replacement. You don't HAVE to have a MOH, prewedding parties, etc, and your friend is not required to attend them. Anyone can throw you a shower, not just a MOH, so if your "stand in MOH" really wants to, she is free to do so, no matter her title. 

It stinks that these events are around the same time, but just be understanding and accomodating to her and her needs. She'll let you know what she can manage and what she can't, but definitely still keep her as your MOH. 

Maggie0829

I know she told you to replace her but you really shouldn't...it is rude and tacky.  Keep her as your MOH and allow her sit during the ceremony or whatever she is comfortable with and she can also do a reading if that is what you want.

As PP said, anyone can throw you a shower, it doesn't just have to be your MOH.

A MOH should be your nearest and dearest and shouldn't lose that title just because they can't throw you a party or attend to your every need.

Farmergirl2488

She Just called and told me that her surgery is actualy the day before my wedding and wont be able to so much as attened.

CowgirlK39

Awww thats crappy, but as everyone said, don't "promote" anyone because it just basically says "Well she cant come so I guess you can be MOH."

CassieeK

If she woke up the day of the wedding violently ill or was in wreck or something, would you replace her then?  Of course not.  This is no different.  You don't need a specified MOH title-holder.

Farmergirl2488

Its not that she can ever be reaplce for me, Its more my fiance has set "guidlines"for the wedding he wants and expects me tofollow. He said I need a MOH for pictures and toasts and someone to actualy get me to that day with out having a stroke. I get all that and my cousin has always been there for me,untill latley with her planning her own wedding she hasnt been the one Ive talkedto. Its been the person who I asked to if she couldnt be there to stand up with me. I unserstand my cousin has always been that for me but...I cant even put what I want to into to words...im just fried at this point in the game.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:f745e08f-2e60-4b91-9caf-bcf85dd66fd7">Re: Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not that she can ever be reaplce for me, <strong>Its more my fiance has set "guidlines"for the wedding he wants and expects me tofollow. </strong>He said I need a MOH for pictures and toasts and someone to actualy get me to that day with out having a stroke. I get all that and my cousin has always been there for me,untill latley with her planning her own wedding she hasnt been the one Ive talkedto. Its been the person who I asked to if she couldnt be there to stand up with me. I unserstand my cousin has always been that for me but...I cant even put what I want to into to words...im just fried at this point in the game.
Posted by Farmergirl2488[/QUOTE]

In that case, you should replace your fiance.

zitiqueen

What other guidelines does your FI set and expect you to follow?

KatieK501

It is your fiance's wedding too, so you should take into consideration what he wants...but if you don't want to the MOH toasts, etc, you should discuss that with him.  You also could designate someone else to give the toast.  And whoever wants to throw you the shower should be able to do so.

I personally would not find it tacky or rude to ask someone else to be your MOH, or who's to say you can have two.  It seems like she's got a lot going on and can't really be there for you - planning her own wedding, surgery, etc.  But I would go ahead and do it, not designate a fill-in, just in case.  I would sit down with both girls separately and talk it out.  Tell your MOH exactly what you expect from her and if it's too much for her to commit to, then tell her she means a lot to you, and you would like her to come to the wedding, enjoy herself, and have someone else fulfill the duties.

Maggie0829

I would tell your FI to find someone else to marry...what a D$CK!!!

CassieeK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:983aad16-4043-4d87-a9bb-6fdeaf468049">Re: Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude/Tacky??? : In that case, you should replace your fiance.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>100%.</div><div>
</div><div>I have 2 bridesmaids.  Neither one of them is doing anything differently than the other. They will both carry a bouquet down the aisle and both stand next to me in their pretty dresses. They are both my best friends and both support me and keep me sane all the time, not just on my wedding day. Is it seriously going to affect my pictures if I do not title one an MOH?  </div><div>
</div><div>As for toasts, those are a gift, not something anyone is required to do, so even if you replace, that does not mean your new MOH will offer up a toast for you.</div>

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:15e76491-abac-4f57-b080-a0d2863df9ca">Re: Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE]It is your fiance's wedding too, so you should take into consideration what he wants...but if you don't want to the MOH toasts, etc, you should discuss that with him.  You also could designate someone else to give the toast.  And whoever wants to throw you the shower should be able to do so.<strong> I personally would not find it tacky or rude to ask someone else to be your MOH, or who's to say you can have two</strong>.  It seems like she's got a lot going on and can't really be there for you - planning her own wedding, surgery, etc.  But I would go ahead and do it, not designate a fill-in, just in case.  I would sit down with both girls separately and talk it out. <span style="font-weight:bold;"> Tell your </span>MOH<span style="font-weight:bold;"> exactly what you expect from her </span>and if it's too much for her to commit to, then tell her she means a lot to you, and you would like her to come to the wedding, enjoy herself, and have<span style="font-weight:bold;"> someone else fulfill the duties.</span>
Posted by KatieK501[/QUOTE]

Deciding to have two MsOH from the start is fine. Replacing the <span style="font-style:italic;">one</span> you originally asked and "promoting" a BM is not the same.

There should also be no "duties" for the MOH to do except buy the dress agreed upon, show up sober, smile for pictures, adjust the  train, hold the buoquet, and perhaps sign the marriage license. All parties, showers, favor making, addressing envelopes, etc are extra and should not be expected from the bride. She can ASK as a friend, sure, but she should not expect or demand these things, especially parties and showers. Again, anyone, not just the MOH can throw parties and showers.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:f745e08f-2e60-4b91-9caf-bcf85dd66fd7">Re: Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not that she can ever be reaplce for me, Its more <strong>my fiance has set "guidlines"for the wedding he wants and expects me tofollow</strong>. He said I need a MOH for pictures and toasts and someone to actualy get me to that day with out having a stroke. I get all that and my cousin has always been there for me,untill latley with her planning her own wedding she hasnt been the one Ive talkedto. Its been the person who I asked to if she couldnt be there to stand up with me. I unserstand my cousin has always been that for me but...I cant even put what I want to into to words...im just fried at this point in the game.
Posted by Farmergirl2488[/QUOTE]

Wow.  What guidelines has <em>he </em>set for your marriage?  Honestly, he can go fvck himself if he thinks pictures are more important than the relationship you have with your friend.

Grits8812

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rudetacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3baebd6b-d579-4348-ba6b-d73e274e8ad8Post:c1725253-55d5-4ebe-9242-d9ec0f6c54cf">Re: Rude/Tacky???</a>:
[QUOTE]What other guidelines does your FI set and expect you to follow?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
this. i didnt know i was supposed to have guidelines set by someone who wants to marry me.

graysquirrel

These guidelines sound bogus. Where did he come up with that? Yes, the MOH & BM usually give toasts, but they don't *have* to. If someone wants to give a speech, he or she does. Being in a WP isn't a "job" that comes with a list of functions. Send him over here and we will set him straight! And what special pictures does he think you need a MOH for? This sounds like a silly detail that neither he nor you will care about once the wedding is over.

ewest7

So I'm new to all of this here. But I think it would be okay to ask another girl to be you MOH I mean under the circumstances it seems like the right thing to do. I don't htink it is rude or tacky. If you want call them Co-MOH so the original girl still has the title but none of the responsibilites?  As for your FI I think that it is very sweet of him to have an opinion on the wedding. My FI has "guidelines" he wants to go by for our wedding and I am very open to them. It is no different from the bride having "guidelines"  just saying

Farmergirl2488

Thanks for all the opinions....