Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid

motohoe11

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OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:0192b104-5ed1-4d7d-8ff2-cf50827dc2d0">Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids really has me on edge. We have been best friends since kinder, but since she started dating a new guy she has regressed. I am sure she is abusing substances, she smokes, drinks and huffs. She is already not very bright. I am from a very reserved italian family and my fiance is filipino. I am worried she is going to embarass us with her less tactful actions. How can I go about talking to her? I cant kick her out of the wedding party but I am very stressed about it. (dont mind my username, its an old joke that i realize is not very bridal now lol)
Posted by motohoe11[/QUOTE]

If you think your friend is abusing drugs, talk to her as a concerned friend, not a stressed out bride.  Invite her over to your place so that you can talk privately with her.  Tell her you are concerned about recent behaviors x, y, and z.  Tell her you think she needs help and you want to help her.  I wouldn't bring her bf into the conversation, even if you think he is to blame for her recent behaviors.  First and foremost, you should be her friend right now, not a bride.

Maggie0829

I think how she will affect your wedding is the last thing that you should be worried about.

Take the wedding out of the equation and concentrate on helping your friend.  If you really think she is in trouble you need to talk to her.  Like OliveOil said, do not bring up her boyfriend and definitely do not bring up the fact that you think she is going to embarass you and your FI at your wedding because those two things will make her think that A) you hate her boyfriend and that you care more about your wedding then her.

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:0192b104-5ed1-4d7d-8ff2-cf50827dc2d0">Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids really has me on edge. We have been best friends since kinder, but since she started dating a new guy she has regressed. I am sure she is abusing substances, she smokes, drinks and huffs. She is already not very bright. I am from a very reserved italian family and my fiance is filipino. I am worried she is going to embarass us with her less tactful actions. How can I go about talking to her? I cant kick her out of the wedding party but I am very stressed about it. (dont mind my username, its an old joke that i realize is not very bridal now lol)
Posted by motohoe11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow, you really need to stop thinking about this in terms of your wedding. Also, "she is already not very bright"? That's got to be one of the harshest things I've heard someone say about one of their nearest and dearest. Your arbitrary assessment of her intelligence has nothing to do with this situation.</div><div>
</div><div>Sit down with her and talk to her like a concerned friend. Leave your wedding entirely out of it. However she behaves on your wedding day will only reflect on her, not you.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

MrsJoshuaParker4

ouch!

simply talk to her. pull her aside or do something like simple and invite her over for dinner and talk to her privately. i wouldn't bring up the boyfriend issues even though it may seem like he's part of the problem. there could be something way deeper than you thought going on and it could be a cry for help. offer to help her, but don't push it.

*hugs* it's a hard situation, but i hope it gets better for you.

motohoe11

yeah ouch is right. Obviously I am a concerned friend. I am stressed only stressed out about the day and how it should unfold. I have worked so hard and done all of my wedding planning alone, so God forbid I worry my bridesmaid get overly intoxicated!  I can't be the only bride who worries about this. Its not much help to respond to my post by making me feel worse like a bad friend. Its hard for me to deal with some one with substance abuse since i lost my mother to it last year. I would never bring her bf or the wedding into the discussion, what I want advice on is how do I bring it up to her? What tactful things can I say?? I dont have the greatest way of hiding how I feel about things.

Please, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. I am just being honest not harsh.

NYCMercedes

"I am worried that she is going to embarrass us with her less tactful actions. How can I go about talking to her? I can't kick her out of the wedding party but I am very stressed about it." Well, that sure makes you sound harsh! Your rebuttal then continues to dwell on all stresses of your day.

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:ea8b85e9-a926-400b-8958-9b8892c4bb5a">Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah ouch is right. Obviously I am a concerned friend. I am stressed only stressed out about the day and how it should unfold. I have worked so hard and done all of my wedding planning alone, so God forbid I worry my bridesmaid get overly intoxicated!  I can't be the only bride who worries about this. Its not much help to respond to my post by making me feel worse like a bad friend. Its hard for me to deal with some one with substance abuse since i lost my mother to it last year. I would never bring her bf or the wedding into the discussion, what I want advice on is how do I bring it up to her? What tactful things can I say?? I dont have the greatest way of hiding how I feel about things. Please, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. I am just being honest not harsh.
Posted by motohoe11[/QUOTE]


i totally understand your concern. you can be a concerned friend and you every right to be concerned about what;s going to happen on your special day (i think we all worry about that). invite her over for dinner, maybe cook some of her favorite things? try having a casual conversation. say something like, you wanna catch up because you feel like you don't talk as much anymore. she'll slowly start opening up i would think. or you can simply say, "i really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but i've noticed 1, 2 and 3. i was wondering if everything was okay? it just doesn't seem like you."

i'm sorry about you mother. i lost my father last year (February 1 will be one year) and i understand the pain. you can PM if you'd like.

MrsJoshuaParker4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:e77331be-7859-4888-a75c-fa55846b05db">Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]"I am worried that she is going to embarrass us with her less tactful actions. How can I go about talking to her? I can't kick her out of the wedding party but I am very stressed about it." Well, that sure makes you sound harsh! Your rebuttal then continues to dwell on all stresses of your day.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

she has every right to be stressed about what's going to happen on her wedding day.. wouldn't you be concerned if it were you? she is a concerned friend who wants to figure out what's going on and at the same time, she's planning one of the most important days of her life.

motohoe11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:f92ef5b6-6680-42bf-8185-0428f90f01b7">Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid : she has every right to be stressed about what's going to happen on her wedding day.. wouldn't you be concerned if it were you? she is a concerned friend who wants to figure out what's going on and at the same time, she's planning one of the most important days of her life.
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Thank You Mrs. Joshua Parker. I appreciate the kind words.
 

I thought this was my day? my time to let things be about me. I am sorry but before others judge, maybe they should know me first!? Id be the first person help her in anything. and she has done the same for me. This is not the first time we have gone through things as friends, obviously, we have been close for 20 years. I don't need the extra stress. My fiance is in the military, his family is on the other side of the country and I am doing all of this on my own, for our special day. Would it be fair to us if my fmil or god forbid, his leutinant's wife walks in on my friend being inappropriate? These are just small stresses I have going on and thought I could get advice on how to handle it on a WEDDING SITE, not be judged or attacked! Grow up, don't like it? mind your own business then. I dont know about you, but I graduated from High school years ago.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:2ed2a622-07e2-41b9-8d4e-c99ced4c8b7f">Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid : Thank You Mrs. Joshua Parker. I appreciate the kind words.   I thought this was my day? my time to let things be about me. I am sorry but before others judge, maybe they should know me first!? Id be the first person help her in anything. and she has done the same for me. This is not the first time we have gone through things as friends, obviously, we have been close for 20 years. I don't need the extra stress. My fiance is in the military, his family is on the other side of the country and I am doing all of this on my own, for our special day. Would it be fair to us if my fmil or god forbid, his leutinant's wife walks in on my friend being inappropriate? These are just small stresses I have going on and thought I could get advice on how to handle it on a WEDDING SITE, not be judged or attacked! Grow up, don't like it? mind your own business then. I dont know about you, but I graduated from High school years ago.
Posted by motohoe11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>All I read here is "whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan moan". When you come here for advice, you will get judged. That's the way these things work. You're coming across really horrible here. You seem to care more about your "big day" than you do your friend and that's terrible. You're not worried about her health or what she's going through, you're worried about what people will think at your wedding. My adivce? Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you couldn't care less about her as a person, but you're worried she's going to ruin your PPD. Hopefully, she will understand how self-centered you are and find herself a better friend. If she takes herself out of your wedding, your problem is solved. </div><div>
</div><div>EDIT: It is NOT "your day". It's your day with your husband. Remember him? And once you invite others to your wedding, it's no longer about me me me. Its about being a gracious hostess and an adult. 

</div>

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sticky-situation-with-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3c864a32-e769-40a3-8c3e-06f1cdc5fb1dPost:f92ef5b6-6680-42bf-8185-0428f90f01b7">Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sticky Situation with a bridesmaid : she has every right to be stressed about what's going to happen on her wedding day.. wouldn't you be concerned if it were you? she is a concerned friend who wants to figure out what's going on and at the same time, she's planning one of the most important days of her life.
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

<div>It's responses like this that make brides think that their entitled behaviour is okay. Yes she can be concerned about the wedding but in reality not everything is going to be perfect. If her friend (who is an adult) behaves badly it in no way reflects on OP. We are simply trying to tell OP to be more concerned about her friend's self-destructive behaviour now than about how it might affect her wedding day in the future.</div>

bfsboo

Moderator: somebody in charge of discussion: somebody who presides over an assembly, especially a legislative assembly, or acts as a mediator in discussions or negotiations.  

Mediator: somebody helping end dispute: somebody who works with both sides in a dispute in an attempt to help them to reach an agreement.

Pretty sure calling somebody names and making them feel awful when all they have come to do is get advice is most likely not in your job description. I think it's total crap that since people come here for advice, others have the "right" to judge and ridicule them. I haven't gotten married yet but I'm sure looking forward to having a day just for me and my fiance and there is not a thing wrong with that. That being said, here's my advice to the bride to be: yes, be concerned about your friend, but as a friend. Don't make it about your wedding when you discuss her health problems with her, even if that's part of your concern. (And I don't blame you one bit if you are concerned with her behavior on your wedding.) Good luck!!!!

bfsboo

I did not troll. I gave my advice. And I know many brides/brides to be that have stopped their account on The Knot because the people giving advice are incredibly rude and all they do is talk down to people. Pretty sure The Knot wouldn't want to lose potential members just because you guys can't keep it tactful and friendly.