Moms and Maids

Question for Brides from a bridesmaid! Please help!

Hi Ladies-

So a good friend asked me to be in her wedding however she is having a destination wedding in Jamica.  When she first asked me to be a bridesmaid I said yes because I was honored she asked me although I was worried about the cost of going to the wedding.  So we now know how much it will cost and it is pretty expensive for me.  For 4 nights it is about $2400 for airfare and the all inclusive resort.  And then there is the cost of dress, hair, make up, etc.  She has not mentioned that she is helping with any of the costs so I am assuming that I am paying for it all.  My husband and I honestly cannot afford that.  We do not make a lot of money and if we went on this trip, it would be taking away money for a car or our savings which we desperatly need- we want to start a family soon.  As much as my husband and I would love to go, I know it is not a finacially smart decision.  

So I am planning on telling her I cannot be in the wedding but I am worried how she will react.  She is only having 3 bridesmaids.  I have previously expressed that the trip was pretty expensive for us but she did not really even acknowlege my comments.  

Additionally, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding last fall however, my wedding was local and I was very concious about the costs for my bridesmaid. 

Can any brides let me know how they would react if a bridesmaid said they could not afford to go to their destination wedding?  I have to tell her soon and am delaying because I worry she will be upset with me and not understand our situation.

Thanks for your help!!!

Re: Question for Brides from a bridesmaid! Please help!

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    I have no real advice for you, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your friend chose something you can't afford I couldn't, either and I hope that she's a good friend and understands.
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    If she's not understanding, I would feel like she isn't a very good friend.

    This is my biggest issue with destination weddings- people for some reason think that all sorts of people will want to spend almost 3k to attend their wedding. The only person I would do that for is my brother and I would still be grumpy about it.

    Tel your friend that you're sorry and you just can't fit the wedding into your budget. Please do NOT go into debt  or blow your savings to attend this wedding.
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    I can't speak for your friend since each DW bride might think differently, but for our wedding, we completely understood that it was asking a lot and tried to give our WP many outs.  It would have been amazing to have all of them there, but we knew it wasn't practical nor feasible for all of them to spend the money, take time off work, etc. 

    I would just tell her sooner rather than later and just let her know that you would love to be able to do it, but due to funds, it's just not an option. 

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    Brides and grooms should realize when they choose a destination wedding, that not everyone will be able to attend. I hope she's understanding when you tell her.
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    I will be honest.  If I had a DW and a bridesmaid came to me and told me she no longer could be in my wedding due to cost I would of course be disappointed but would understand.  Having a DW is choosing to accept that the people you want to be there may not be able to make it due to the high costs.  But then you are also talking to quite a few sane brides who take their friends feelings into consideration instead of being more concerned about themselves.

    Just be prepared that your friend will most likely be upset, sad or disappointed that you can't make it.  These are natural reactions because she obviously wants you to be there and considers you a great friend hence why she asked you to be a BM.  But if, in the end, she is not understanding about your predicament then she isn't such a great friend.

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    I'm having a DW and for that reason, I'm not having a large bridal party - only my sister and my FI will have his best friends. They both would definitely be coming anyway and we're paying for the Best Man's suit/tux and my mom said she'd pay for my sister's dress so they're not going to have any extra costs. I'd love to ask some other friends but I didn't want them to feel any pressure or to feel the way you're feeling if they can't.

    You are totally okay in not being able to go. This bride should understand that by having a destination wedding, she runs the risk of important people not being able to go. Just be honest with her and hopefully she'll be okay. If she's not, it's her problem and not yours.

    Good luck!
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    We had a DW but didn't have a bridal party for this exact reason. I just couldn't rationalize asking people to not only spend the money to get there, but also spend extra for a dress/tux, hair, shoes, what have you.
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    All you can do is be honest. She should understand that a DW like that is expensive and not everyone can just drop that sort of money...especially as newlyweds yourself and wanting to start a family soon, that is money you can save for your future--and you have every right to choose how to spend your money.  If she is a real friend she will understand that.  You can of course still be involved in the bridal shower or bachelorette party (if there is one).  And you can of course still be her friend :) Be sure to call her on her wedding day and maybe send some flowers or something so she knows you are thinking of her--although its unneccessary, its a nice gesture and thought that I am sure she would appreciate.

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    Tell her sooner rather than later, I was running around trying to accomidate a bridesmaid that lives in anoher state and couldn't figure out why she wouldn't answer my calls. When I called from an unfamiliar number she answered and came clean. I feel bad that I had to trick her but I understood, like any good friend would. In the end it is one less hassle I have to deal with.
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