FMIL making me CRAZY

heather0711

Alright, so without going into every individual situation, here is the short version:
My fiance is currently deployed, I have known his family for years and years, probably about 15. His mother is veru condescending towards me but my fiance and his parents had a tough relationship though his high school years and since the last 2 years he has really tried so hard to mend that relationship, though his parents are the reason he chose to join the USMC bc they essentially convinved him he was worth nothing and would never amount to anything. Anyways, my FMIL has always kind of tried to one-up me and tries to make her presence very solidified. It takes everything in me to keep my mouth shut and say "you're the reason he's deployed! Stop trying to gain sympathy!!" - she does that ALOT, always looking for a pitty party. I personally, don't ever want anyone feeling sorry for me that he is deployed, it's his job.
More and more, since he deployed, she is literally copying everything I do. And it's not coincidental stuff, it's things that she has been critical of previously, and now suddenly it's okay to do. She practically stalks my facebook, I've considered deleting it but it helps me keep in contact with my FI from Afghanistan.
Anyone else have these issues? I feel like I'm in HS, it's getting ridiculous!

MairePoppy

I don't know much about facebook but, couldn't  you create a new facebook account, for the sake of privacy?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-making-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3e8cd11a-2589-4239-ba01-d80c6838e64cPost:eb2fd083-edf2-4fab-8173-e8ab8b4843ca">Re: FMIL making me CRAZY</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know much about facebook but, couldn't  you create a new facebook account, for the sake of privacy?
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I'm one of the five people on the planet without a FB as well, but I'm sure you can limit what she sees on your FB, can't you? I know I've read posts like this before and everybody always suggest doing something with privacy settings.

TheCranberry

There are ways you can change your privacy settings so that she can't see your wall, can't post on your wall, can't see your status updates, etc.  You can even set different privacy settings on an album by album basis so that she can see some albums but not all.  If she asks about your new settings just mention that you've started to take online security seriously and are cutting back what's out there on FB. 

If you have any friends in common, just make sure they aren't the type to mention FB stuff to her or just put them on the same privacy level as she is.

soonAmrs2011

Modify your facebook settings. Most importantly, you need to talk to her. I would say you could give it to your fiance to deal with, but he is deployed. 

My fiance works in Africa and I recently had the same issues.( MIL pitty party/ too opinionated)

It sounds like you are very frustrated. For me, it makes it very difficult for me to be patient with her when talking with her in person or on the phone. I would recommend taking a step back out of the situation. TRY to see where she could possibly be coming from, then write her a letter. Spend some time on it, let her know how you are feeling and if/when you were hurt. Try to sympathize with her with any situations you may feel you need to. BUT don't apologize for things you have done unless an apology is needed.

It sucks having to be the bigger person, but until your fiance comes home from deployment I wouldn't recommend putting this on him. I personally view it as making your presence known. You need to let her know NOW that you will not continue with her attitude for the rest of your lives together. Be respectful, but firm. Let her know how you feel and don't back down. 

If she continues (as my MIL did) after you let her know how you feel, then that is when you can take it to an extreme. ie. not discussing things with her, stepping out of the picture for awhile. 

REGARDLESS... be respectful. I know it is difficult but this is your future MIL and she is family whether you like it or not. If you have to, let your FI know what is going on, and express to him that you have done all you can do. When he returns, or feels ready to, he needs to talk to her and tell her to back down. If she wont, then you both need to stand together in whatever decision you make following.

Good Luck, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it isn't easy. I promise you that if you and your FI stand together and keep your eyes focused on what your future is about, then you will get through this together coming out stronger in the end.

regfalange

Change your settings on facebook so she can't see anything.  No one in my family can see anything on my facebook, especially my mother.

Davesgrl2011

If you have already "friended" her on Facebook than create a new facebook page for you and your FI and other friends, and stop using the old one.  If she asks say you aren't really into Facebook anymore.  And set your privacy on your new facebook so that no one can find you or see your profile picture.  I'm a teacher so that is how mine is set up. 

Don't share anymore info than you have to.  It might be that she is jealous of your relationship with your FI, or she is a drama hound who is getting some sort of excitement having a son who is "deployed".

Or, on the flip side, she could be unsure of how to seem excited and interested in her son and you, so she is coming off as pushy or as a copy-cat.  You said that she wasn't really involved before- maybe she is over-compensating b/c she feels guilty and/or wants to make it up to him. 

Don't give in to or acknowledge her pleas for sympathy in any way.  In fact, I would avoid talking to her whenever possible.  Don't be rude and don't tell your FI all about it- you don't want to stress him out even more!  This is something that is best handled when he is home safe and sound.  Then you can tell him how you have been feeling and you guys can handle it together. 

And you can try my old standby if she is being rude or critical to you: "Do you say these things because you hate me and want to hurt me, or love me and want to help me?"

Good luck!

heather0711

Thanks for all the advice, ladies! I really appreciate it all
For now, I'm going with the "not talking to you unless it's 110% necessary and even then you're getting minimal communication from me". It eems to working this week, as in I dn't feel like I need blood pressure medication.