Opts for shoes

wendalin85

Hello,

I was recently in a friends wedding in LA where the MOH sat us down and said, I priced out the venue we're having the shower and it'll be $17/head, the guest list is 55-60 ppl so with decor and the cake, centerpieces for the tables etc, it will probably cost around $1200-1500 total for the shower.  So with so many girls, we'll call it $250/bridesmaid.We were all too stunned to speak and went along with it.

I do not want to do that to my future sister in law and my cousins and my childhood friend. So I'm not demanding anything and I'm thrilled each want to be in my wedding. I have offered to help with costs for most.

I'm trying to give them a lot of freedom on their attire to help make everything more affordable. In my culture, focus isnt not on these things, too.

CassieeK

Why have bridal showers turned into such huge affairs located at venues?  Every shower I have attended has been at someone's house, with food consisting of cheese & crackers, veggies & dip, and something sweet. I don't think it's fair to label your bridesmaids "cheap" b/c they won't shell out more money to pay for some fancy shower for you.  They are not required to pay for one in the first place, so whatever they are willing to contribute should be graciously accepted by you.

wendalin85

Cassie, I find that response a little offensive. How you feel about what showers have turned into isn't the issue here.

Showers can be whatever you want them to be and I've experienced both types of events, in homes and in restaurants, but the fact remains that whether a shower is in someone's home or in a reaturant or venue, there will be work or a cost involved, both of which seem to be asking too much.

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:4336c418-d022-42f2-b7b2-81fdbf8b5005">Unrealistic Bridesmaids - how to deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone, My sister is my MOH and has told me that my bridesmaids are being a bit stingy with what they're willing to spend on wedding events like the shower and bachelorette. I hear there was talk of trying to use Groupons. They said they'd spend $100 each, or $200 MAX on the shower and fit in what they'll get for that price based on that budget.. but one has priced anything out yet. I was recently in a friends wedding where the MOH sat us bridesmaids down and said, I priced out the venue we're having the shower and it'll be $17/head, the guest list is 55-60 ppl so with decor and the cake, centerpieces for the tables etc, it will probably cost around $1200-1500 total for the shower.  So with 8 girls, we'll call it $250/bridesmaid. I'll take a check or cash..  We were all too stunned to speak and went along with it. I'm really horrified by how these very close friends are being and I keep hearing them lament "I'm in FOUR weddings next summer.."  It really is making me feel awful, as if I've asked them to really participate in something terrible and they're really doing me a huge favor by agreeing to participate in my wedding. I'm trying to give them a lot of freedom on their dress, hair and shoes to help make everything more affordable, but just feel like none of them is being very realistic here. What is a realistic bridesmaid budget? Please help. What do I do?
Posted by wendalin85[/QUOTE]

First, congratulations on your engagement.

Your sister was wrong to discuss the BMs' shower budget with you. If they are willing to co-host a shower with her for you, she should find out what each is willing to contribute, add that to her contribution and that will be the budget for the shower. The only BM and MOH duties are - buying the dress, showing up on time for the wedding and having good will toward the bride and groom. Anything else, is extra and is a gift to the bride.

The MOH that you refer to was extremely rude. No one should plan a party and then bill the others for it. She should have asked for everyone's budget and then planned accordingly.

Ask your BMs, privately, for their dress budgets and then stick with the lowest figure. If you go over that amount, you should pay the difference. Do not require specific shoes, accessories, professional hair styles or professional makeup, unless you are going to pay for those items.

Do not call your friends cheap for letting you know that they have a limit to what they can spend on your wedding. They are being honest with you, now. That's better than letting you know after the fact that they can not afford to be in your wedding.

One more thing - many brides seem to be confused about who is doing who the favor of being a BM. It is actually the BMs that are doing a favor for the bride.

Good luck with your planning.

MairePoppy

Why is Cassie's post offensive? She offered some practical advice for giving a nice shower on a modest budget.

To answer your question - a realistic budget is whatever the bms decide they can afford. It would be very 'bridezilla-ish'  to tell your friends that they are not contributing enough. Think about how you felt when you were invoiced $250 for your friends shower.

wendalin85

What I am saying is that that is what is realistic for our group..  we've been in each other's weddings, so why, now that they are all married and trying to save for houses is the cost too much? It was no issue when they were brides.

skippylouwho

The title of this thread should be "Unrealistic bride - how to deal?"

What a sense of entitlement you have. 

Why would you be dismayed that they might use Groupons? Why wouldn't you think "what smart girls I picked - throw the best party you can for the least amount of money. Very smart!"

You were stunned to be asked for $250 for a shower for a wedding you were in yet are offended that your BM are not inclined to spend $100-$200 each for your shower?

One of your BM commets she is 4 weddings next summer. So if each bride wants $200 towards a fancy shower and money for bachelorette party, dresses, possibly shoes, manis, pedis, travel expenses for the BM, gifts to you for your shower, gifts to you for you wedding - You are looking easily at a minimum of $600 but probably closer to $1500.  Multiple that by 4.  Do you want to/would you shell out that much money?

I really think this is MUD.

MairePoppy

I understand why you feel this isn't fair. But as everyone's circumstances change, their budgets change also. You really can't tell everyone what their contribution should be, without being rude. You shouldn't get involved with the shower planning. Let your sister and the bms work it out.

I'm an MOB. In my circle, it is common for the mothers and sometimes the grandmothers to provide the food and place for the shower. Sometimes the bms are listed on the invitations as the hosts and they help with the setup/cleanup/serving. Since you have a small wedding party, your sister could ask the MOB/MOG if they would like to help out.

wendalin85

Skippy Lou - I spent about $1200 participating in each wedding I've been in for these girls.

wendalin85

This has put a lot of wedding stuff in perspective now. I didn't know about the etiquette for bridesmaid responsiblilty when I was a maid in friends' weddings, so I felt responsible for a lot of things that I really could have said no to - expensive catered showers, etc. I spent a lot more than I could afford, thinking that that was what the bride wanted and was just "how it was, being a maid". I was so frustrated by it all and don't want that for my friends bc that is ultimately what I want them to be post wedding craziness, still my friends. I don't want friendships torn apart over money and this is an important day for me, but it's not their most important day and they don't need to go broke as I did, paying for it!  

So thank you all for the perspective you've given me on all this!

graysquirrel

A realistic budget is whatever they decide to spend. Showers and parties are gifts and should be treated as such. It horrifies me that this is being treated as an entitlement. Weddings are not tit for tat. Just because you chose to spend $1200 doesn't mean that they should have to return the favor. Never, EVER should the bride ask anything more of them than the bare minimum of getting a dress and showing up. Let them spend what they can afford. 

CassieeK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:38688128-3c36-445b-91ac-2b4c12c21057">Re: Unrealistic Bridesmaids - how to deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Cassie, I find that response a little offensive. How you feel about what showers have turned into isn't the issue here. Showers can be whatever you want them to be and I've experienced both types of events, in homes and in restaurants, but the fact remains that whether a shower is in someone's home or in a reaturant or venue, there will be work or a cost involved, both of which seem to be asking too much.
Posted by wendalin85[/QUOTE]

<div>How I feel about what the showers have turned into is part of the issue b/c you expressed how shocked you were about how cheap your friends are. If showers hadn't turned into such big shindigs, more and more money would not need to be spent on them.  Yes, there will always be some cost involved, but the bigger the event tends to mean the bigger the cost.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry you found my comment offensive.  How offensive do you think your friends would find your remark about them being cheap?  </div>

Summer2011Bride

OP: If I were you, I would have refused to spend that much on friends' showers. That is just ridiculous. But you went along with it, which was your choice. That doesn't mean you should expect your BMs to shell out that kind of money. You didn't like it when you were a BM, so why would you want them to have to do that?

Showers are gifts. Have they expressed interest in hosting a shower for you? If none of them offer to host, it's a moot point because you won't have a shower anyhow. You can't ask them to throw a shower for you; that's poor etiquette. If they do want to throw one, be gracious for whatever they put together.

And a reasonable budget for a BM is what they can afford. As far as dresses and such go, you should ask them each privately what she can afford to spend.

ohlordy

Cassie, I am offended that you are being so realistic in this fantasy world of million-dollar bridal showers.

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:51465e96-fc75-4528-b14c-25b94f90d7c9">Re: Cheap bridesmaids - how to deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why have bridal showers turned into such huge affairs located at venues?  Every shower I have attended has been at someone's house, with food consisting of cheese & crackers, veggies & dip, and something sweet. I don't think it's fair to label your bridesmaids "cheap" b/c they won't shell out more money to pay for some fancy shower for you.  They are not required to pay for one in the first place, so whatever they are willing to contribute should be graciously accepted by you.
Posted by CassieeK[/QUOTE]

Cosigned.

remington23

Most people I know when they are in a wedding know that they are taking on the responsibilities and financial obligations of buying the outfits, hair, and also throwing the bride her bridal shower (or jack and jill with the groomsmen if this is prefered over separate functions).

HOWEVER... I think that the cost should be reasonable. When I was MOH for my friend the whole shower cost $200 divided by 6 of us. It was a very nice, beautiful bridal shower that we put on for her but it was affordable for all the girls involved,. The brides mother and grandmother helped prepare food and snacks to provide to people that day. I think that being in a wedding is a responsibility you accept when you agree to be in somebodys wedding but you have to be reasonable with your ecpectations.

Matty143

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:5e6b2c55-0e7f-46ef-860e-417aed78ff5b">Re: Unrealistic Bridesmaids - how to deal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unrealistic Bridesmaids - how to deal? : First, congratulations on your engagement. <strong>Your sister was wrong to discuss the BMs' shower budget with you.</strong> If they are willing to co-host a shower with her for you, she should find out what each is willing to contribute, add that to her contribution and that will be the budget for the shower. The only BM and MOH duties are - buying the dress, showing up on time for the wedding and having good will toward the bride and groom. Anything else, is extra and is a gift to the bride. The MOH that you refer to was extremely rude. No one should plan a party and then bill the others for it. She should have asked for everyone's budget and then planned accordingly. Ask your BMs, privately, for their dress budgets and then stick with the lowest figure. If you go over that amount, you should pay the difference. Do not require specific shoes, accessories, professional hair styles or professional makeup, unless you are going to pay for those items. Do not call your friends cheap for letting you know that they have a limit to what they can spend on your wedding. They are being honest with you, now. That's better than letting you know after the fact that they can not afford to be in your wedding. One more thing - many brides seem to be confused about who is doing who the favor of being a BM. It is actually the BMs that are doing a favor for the bride. Good luck with your planning.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Thank you for quoting the original OP, as my opinion has changed after reading the original opening remarks. I can see why you revised your post.
I agree that your sister was wrong to discuss this with you.

I have spent over $1,000 as a BM and was happy to do so, but every BMs budget should be taken into consideration and discussed prior to making plans.

bshipgirl89

My Bridesmaid budget is $200. A few months ago, I sat my girls down and just explained some logisitics with them. I was in a wedding last year that I felt like I was constantly shelling out money and I didn't want to be doing that with them. My dress budget for the girls in about a $100, without any kind of alterations because that's something I don't have control over, except making sure that the place we're getting the dresses has afforadable alterations. I'm choosing a very inexpensive black shoe for everyone, under $30. I specifically told them that I am fine with them going together on a shower gift, spending $20 each and for my personal shower $40. They aren't throwing my shower because none of them are able to. I told them if they wanted to spend more and could, it was fine, but not to feel pressure to go over. As far as nails are concerned, I'm giving them the option of getting them done or doing them theirselves, I picked a light pink for their nails so it would easily be uniform regardless of who did it. A hairdresser is coming to the house and will charge me a full price for my whole party vs. everyone going individually. The only expense that's not set in stone is my bachelorette party, but I'm overseeing it as far as cost to make sure no one ends up spending more than is needed. The way to budget your bridesmaids is staying on top of things, and clear communication. Giving them timelines/deadlines about when you want stuff bought and spread it out over a period of time, so they aren't spending money constantly. I'm buying their jewelry as their gift so they don't have to worry about it. It gives you more things to juggle, but it's helpful to stay on top of it with them, and they will be more happily willing to do things for you if you try your best to look out for them.

pinkaurora

I'm sorry, did you really sit your BMs down and TELL them how much THEY would be spending on YOU?  Did you read any of the posts above yours?  Your BMs are doing you a favor by standing up with you.  Did any of them ask you to help plan the bachelorette party?  If not, you should be paying for what you are hosting, not telling them how much they owe you.  Also, while it's nice that you're paying for the matching jewelry you want them to wear, it shouldn't be their gift for standing up with you....that's a huge etiquette no-no.  I suggest you read some of the posts above and get a grip on your expectations.

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:63c2c87c-b35e-4095-9570-8c4b6ec4b968">Re: Bridesmaids budget</a>:
[QUOTE]My Bridesmaid budget is $200. A few months ago, I sat my girls down and just explained some logisitics with them. I was in a wedding last year that I felt like I was constantly shelling out money and I didn't want to be doing that with them. My dress budget for the girls in about a $100, without any kind of alterations because that's something I don't have control over, except making sure that the place we're getting the dresses has afforadable alterations. I'm choosing a very inexpensive black shoe for everyone, under $30. I specifically told them that I am fine with them going together on a shower gift, spending $20 each and for my personal shower $40. They aren't throwing my shower because none of them are able to. I told them if they wanted to spend more and could, it was fine, but not to feel pressure to go over. As far as nails are concerned, I'm giving them the option of getting them done or doing them theirselves, I picked a light pink for their nails so it would easily be uniform regardless of who did it. A hairdresser is coming to the house and will charge me a full price for my whole party vs. everyone going individually. The only expense that's not set in stone is my bachelorette party, but I'm overseeing it as far as cost to make sure no one ends up spending more than is needed. The way to budget your bridesmaids is staying on top of things, and clear communication. Giving them timelines/deadlines about when you want stuff bought and spread it out over a period of time, so they aren't spending money constantly. I'm buying their jewelry as their gift so they don't have to worry about it. It gives you more things to juggle, but it's helpful to stay on top of it with them, and they will be more happily willing to do things for you if you try your best to look out for them.
Posted by bshipgirl89[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Etiquette says you should have as little to do with the bachelorette party and shower plans as possible. They should be a gift from your BMs. You should give them a guest list with addresses and some opinions on what you'd like (if they ask), but that's about it. </div><div>
</div><div>And you're making them wear the same nail polish shade? Holy moly. I would seriously laugh at you if you were my friend. I know that sounds mean, but really? Nail polish color? No one will notice, trust me! </div><div>
</div><div>Also, wedding jewelry is considered a poor gift around these parts. If you are making them wear it for the wedding, it's not a true gift. Add something else in too or just let them wear their own jewelry. Same with shoes. Matchy- matchy bridesmaids are out these days. 

</div>

AurorasEnvy

I can see where you are frustrated a little bit because you feel that since you spent that much on them, that they should be spending that much on you...but like PPs said, budgets and priorities change for people.  While it was generous of you to agree to spend that much on their weddings, they still aren't obligated to spend that much to be a BM (although if my BMs spent that much on me, I'd feel a little guilty when their time in the sun came along and I didn't want to be as generous as they were for me).

I agree with previous posters - besides buying the dress & showing up, they aren't obligated to spend any more money.  I think it's common for BMs to want to pitch in for the bach. party, showers, etc., but that's their choice.  I asked privately for a dress budget for each of my girls.  We bought a dress that went over 2 girls' budgets, and I paid difference.  They have freedom to wear whatever black shoes and silver jewlery they want, and they have the option to have their hair/makeup done but certainly don't have to.  I don't like all the matchy-matchy, have to stick every girl in the same dress/shoes/wrap/jewlery/hairstyle, etc. anyways, and saves money.  BMs are people, not clones.

njm1126

My MOH and I actually discussed the wedding shower, and decided we will do brunch at a restaurant  with an inexpensive set menu.  AND... wait for it... have each guest pay for their meal which should be $12 max per person. 

What is the deal with going overboard on etiquette with wedding situations???  I certainly do not expect anyone to pay for everyone's meal or pay for everyone to eat and drink at someone's house.  $12 for a meal is not asking for much, and if one is attending for the right reasons... they won't mind and should understand.

People are obsessed with wedding etiquette!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:88fcd1ed-df3c-4403-8789-610661a7be80">Re: Bridesmaids budget</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and I actually discussed the wedding shower, and decided we will do brunch at a restaurant  with an inexpensive set menu.  AND... wait for it... have each guest pay for their meal which should be $12 max per person.  What is the deal with going overboard on etiquette with wedding situations???  I certainly do not expect anyone to pay for everyone's meal or pay for everyone to eat and drink at someone's house.  $12 for a meal is not asking for much, and if one is attending for the right reasons... they won't mind and should understand. People are obsessed with wedding etiquette!
Posted by njm1126[/QUOTE]

People are obsessed with treating friends and family with the best of manners and consideration which is also called etiquette.  I'm sorry but your plan for your shower is absolutely rude.

shipsinthenight

Last May I was a BM in my best friend's wedding. I spent a great deal of money. I know my dress was around $250 with alterations, shoes (which I went overboard on) were $200, plus shower contributions and gifts. I didn't get her a wedding gift, but I did her hair and make-up. I plan on getting them a nice anniversary gift. I probably spent $600 on the wedding. I could have spent less, I didn't need those particular shoes, but I know I will only be in a few weddings, and it was worth it for me. 
 
Now that I'm starting to plan my own wedding, I am trying to be considerate of my friend's budgets. If I pick matching BM dresses, I want to aim under $100. There's a good chance I will give broad outlines for BM dresses (like: black, knee length, flared skirt), and provide sashes. I have no plans on planning my shower(s?), although I told my MOH no lingerie showers. I would like to do Disneyland for my bachelorette party, but that will probably be optional. Just show up, look nice, and enjoy my wedding. If my girls can find a way to spend a small amount of money, good for them! I'm a fan of deals. Groupons, coupons, what ever works. I want them to feel like they're celebrating with me, not spending their life savings/Christmas money on someone else's celebration. I wish my friend had let us wear our own jewlery. Now I have a neclace I will never wear and can't return...

Zinnia26

I think that, as previous posts have said, it's important to personalize your plans with your wedding party. 

I think first off if a friend accepts to be a BM, she should take into consideration that this will be of some cost to her.  If she can't do it, then I believe she should be honest about it.  Because I do feel that the bride has some sort of right to make a decision on particular elements that would make her day special i.e. dresses.

I also think that once your BM's have accepted, you should be considerate to their budget, their personalities, and their physique.  Some brides expect all BM's to spend a ton of money or wear dresses that won't flatter them or just aren't their taste.

I wanted my wedding party to dress the same and I spoke to all my BM's and let them select the dress that was pretty to them, was within their budget, and they would feel comfortable in then went with black shoes.
One of my BM's just had a baby so I know her budget is different than the others.  When she received her dress and she found out she needed alterations, she stressed out.  I told her not to worry and that I would pay for it.  This is not something I'm doing for the others b/c I know they can afford it.

Know your BM's... I mean after all they were imp. enough for you to select to be in your wedding so make sure you know each of them and their individual limits.

As for bridal showers and such, I think that if your friends are already spending on their outfits, transportation, etc.. they shouldn't feel pressured to pay for something that is out of their reach.  I would personally love a shower or party but if I can't get one then I understand.  I also think that the MOH should not demand of other BM's.  I mean she is the MOH for a reason and if she wants to go all out than she should consider her budget only.  The rest helping is a plus.

Mae0606

I'd say anywhere between $300-$500, giving freedom with how they do hair, type of dress, and whether or not they want to buy new shoes and get nails done. Most people can do that, but it's all up to your bridesmaids. Talk to the MOH, make sure she sits down with everyone else to determine a fair budget, you shouldn't be worrying about how much your shower/ bacholerette cost. Tell her how important it is to you that no one is breaking the bank, and let it be.

Joanne1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cheap-bridesmaids-deal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3ef392d9-d134-4132-9b3a-72629f70cac2Post:63c2c87c-b35e-4095-9570-8c4b6ec4b968">Re: Bridesmaids budget</a>:
[QUOTE]My Bridesmaid budget is $200. A few months ago, I sat my girls down and just explained some logisitics with them. I was in a wedding last year that I felt like I was constantly shelling out money and I didn't want to be doing that with them. My dress budget for the girls in about a $100, without any kind of alterations because that's something I don't have control over, except making sure that the place we're getting the dresses has afforadable alterations. I'm choosing a very inexpensive black shoe for everyone, under $30. <strong>I specifically told them that I am fine with them going together on a shower gift, spending $20 each and for my personal shower $40. </strong>They aren't throwing my shower because none of them are able to. I told them if they wanted to spend more and could, it was fine, but not to feel pressure to go over. As far as nails are concerned, I'm giving them the option of getting them done or doing them theirselves, I picked a light pink for their nails so it would easily be uniform regardless of who did it. A hairdresser is coming to the house and will charge me a full price for my whole party vs. everyone going individually. The only expense that's not set in stone is my bachelorette party, but I'm overseeing it as far as cost to make sure no one ends up spending more than is needed. The way to budget your bridesmaids is staying on top of things, and clear communication. Giving them timelines/deadlines about when you want stuff bought and spread it out over a period of time, so they aren't spending money constantly. I'm buying their jewelry as their gift so they don't have to worry about it. It gives you more things to juggle, but it's helpful to stay on top of it with them, and they will be more happily willing to do things for you if you try your best to look out for them.
Posted by bshipgirl89[/QUOTE]

<div>You actually had the balls to suggest an amount for your BMs to spend on your gift? WOW.</div>

kingr2

Hello,
I am a wedding planner and I planned a military wedding last year and the budget for the bridesmaids were $300.00 which included the dress, alterations, make-up, shoes, nails and hair. It costs to be a bridesmaid and MOH.

www.roseyaffairs.com

tiggersimmer

Ok now I see lots of good posts on here and some that are rude and ridiculous.  No one is entitled to anything.  However, if you agree to be in the wedding party then you should also know there are costs that go along with that.  If you cannot or do not want to spend any money then politely decline the offer.  I have been in dozens of weddings.  I have spent anywhere from about $300-$1500 depending on the attire and such.  But I am aware of the cost when I am extended the HONOR of being in someone's wedding.  I do not understand this epidemic where you're the bride and you are expected to pay for everything.   If you don't want to spend money then don't be in the wedding party but don't agree to be in it so you can get a free dress, free shoes, free hair and makeup and all the perks but can't be bothered to do a damn thing or spend 25 cents on a person who is supposed to be your best friend or relative.      

mike&steph01

Call me the devil's advocate but I totally disagree with most of these posts. While YES a shower/b.party is a gift it is something COMMONLY done in our culture as a standard. Furthermore it is a mutual honor involved ... I am honored to have my friends as bridesmaids but it should be there honor to participate as my closest friends. They are there for me... Hence the term "bridesmaid". Furthermore as a bride the day is about you and the groom bottom line. Meaning dresses shoes etc is your vision and your choice. That doesn't mean you have to be bridezilla-ish but you definitely should NOT feel bad about wanting what you want... It's your day!! If someone can't afford to be in your wedding or have over committed to several weddings they need to graciously decline. Like it or not participating in a wedding costs money!!!! It's not fair to the bride to have to accommodate those who feel they want to make the least contribution as possible. There is a very big magic word we are missing here the ability we all reserve to say "NO" the problem is most people want to be a participant but at little to no cost and it just doesn't work that way. Please understand there is a financial commitment when accepting the offer to be in someones wedding. It's 2011 people catch up

AALOW

When you get the answer to your question, PLEASE let me know! I too am needing the answer to this question. I am willing to help my maids with their dress and shoes. I was thinking of doing half the price on the dress and the shoes. Do you think this is reasonable enough or not? I'm  not renewing my vows until 2014, but would greatly appreciate the advice. I'm saving up NOW!

Thank you!