Killer BM!!

rae1200

One of my BMs is starting to cross the line from being disagreeable to completely unreasonable. When choosing a bridesmaid dress I made the decision to let my bridesmaids keep their own since of style whiles adhering to my wants. I have told everyone that I want the dress to be by the same designer and they must be the same color, length and fabric. They can choose whatever style top they would like. Since all of the BMs heights vary considerably I thought it best for everyone to wear a full length gown…. Well only one BM is giving me grief about the dress by saying”I’m too short to wear a full length gown” “Why are you putting so many restrictions on the dress?? We will never find anything within those guidelines” and last but not least “I can only afford to spend up to $50.00 for a dress…TJ Maxx has great dresses!!!!”  I was in shock when I heard the last one. First off…I am having a semi-formal wedding…How does she think we can find a semi-formal gown at TJ Maxx??? --- I couldn’t understand why she has been sending me pics of Jim Hjelm , Bill Levkoff, LAZARO dresses when she couldn’t afford them! She knew the price points of those designers. I’m sorry but I couldn’t even put her in a David’s Bridal gown for $50.00. I understand that she is under a lot of financial stress but at what point do I step in and say enough is enough? Why did she even agree to be in the wedding if she couldn’t afford it?? I am contemplating on giving her an “out” from being my bridesmaid but I am worried it may forever damage our friendship. BUT in all honestly this has showed me that this friendship has started to circle the drain.

mistydawn123

You help her find a dress within her $50 budget.  You can look on CL, thrift stores, yard sales and/or ebay.

Queen Jane

Did you ask your BMs what they could afford for a dress? If she can only afford $50, then you have to work with that. FWIW, you can find some nice things at stores like TJ Maxx, you just have to be willing to dig....

http://www.tjmaxx.com/2011/02/21/betsey-johnson-evening-twist-and-shout-dress-for-30-found-this-betsey-johnson-dres/

http://www.tjmaxx.com/2010/07/06/bcbg-maxazria-dress-for-24-99-fab-find-monday-runner-up/

http://www.tjmaxx.com/2010/06/11/cynthia-rowley-dress-for-24-99-found-this-beautiful-cynthia-r/

http://www.tjmaxx.com/2011/03/14/max-studio-green-dress-for-24-99-found-this-amazing-dress-orig/

Maggie0829

Sorry but it doesn't seem like you asked the girls what their budgets were for BM dresses.  This is a very important step to do before looking for dresses.  If she can't afford a dress over $50 then I suggest you stop b$tching and step up to the plate to help your friend.  She is being honest with you and is probably a little self-consicous about the fact that she can't afford the dress that you want.  She is your friend first and BM second...the friendship should always come before your wedding...ALWAYS!

rae1200

We have discussed several different designers and all of the price points for each designer many times…this is the first I have heard of her price cap. And yes there are pretty dresses at TJMaxx…but I find it hard to believe that I will find something from there that I will like for each of my BMs. (in the same fabric, color and length) while allowing them to keep their since of style. That has always been a stipulation from the beginning. It is my wedding and I get final say so over the dress. I could understand if I was having a casual wedding and the BMs could wear a nice sundress but that is just not the case. Forgive me if I sound like a Bridezilla but she knew what she was getting into from the start and now I feel forced to make a decision that may forever scar our friendship.  At one point in the wedding planning my fiancé and I were tossing around the idea of a destination wedding in Jamaica…She said she could pay for her way…but now she can’t pay for a reasonable bridesmaid dress.

jenn&chad

Why don't you have her pay her $50 and then you pay the remaining amount to cover the cost of the dress.  I'm sure your other BMs will be understanding when you explain that she can't afford it and rather than fight about it helping her with the cost is worth it. 

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_killer-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:42915852-13c4-4da8-bb8f-b4cd87611e0dPost:fde2bd3e-367b-4a03-8a9f-c4e58cd61e43">Re: Killer BM!!</a>:
[QUOTE]We have discussed several different designers and all of the price points for each designer many times…this is the first I have heard of her price cap. And yes there are pretty dresses at TJMaxx…but I find it hard to believe that I will find something from there that I will like for each of my BMs. (in the same fabric, color and length) while allowing them to keep their <strong>since</strong> of style. That has always been a stipulation from the beginning. <strong>It is my wedding and I get final say so over the dress</strong>. I could understand if I was having a casual wedding and the BMs could wear a nice sundress but that is just not the case. Forgive me if I sound like a Bridezilla but <strong>she knew what she was getting into from the start and now I feel forced to make a decision that may forever scar our friendship.</strong>   At one point in the wedding planning my fiancé and I were tossing around the idea of a destination wedding in Jamaica…<strong>She said she could pay for her way…but now she can’t pay for a reasonable bridesmaid dress</strong>.
Posted by rae1200[/QUOTE]

I thought it was a typo the first time around but it is SENSE

Then just pick the dang dress yourself since you get the final say anyway.

Things change and sometimes what people thought that they could afford at first may not be what they can afford now.

So you would seriously ruin a friendship because she can't afford the type of dress you want?  It is a f***ing dress!  Why don't you stop b$tching (like I said before) and be a friend to her and possibly help her out the best you can...like pay for the difference and tell her to pay you back when she can or just pay for it and be happy that you still have a friendship.

Think about how you would feel if you were the one in her position.  What if when she asked you to be a BM you were able to afford whatever the dress cost, but now, things may have changed, and you can only afford a $50 dress.  How would you feel if your friend b$tched and complained that you were being unreasonable and threatening to kick you out because of your lack of funds.  I bet you would feel really sh$tty, wouldn't you.

LoveMuffins

Why do they all have to be from the same store? If she can find a dress from TJ max that is floor length and the same fabric and color, why does it matter? Just get her a fabric swatch so that she can go around to other stores and match it. I really don't understand why you're set on having them get their dresses from the same store...

rae1200

Ok...First off...I am sorry if I have been coming off as a rude B8tch...But telling the Whole story would take hours and lots of typing....The dress is not the only issue with this BM. She has been the only person that has had issues with almost everything...EXCEPT when she thought that a Beach Trip was in the cards...What this boils down to is WHY did she say she could be in the wedding if she can’t afford it?? I GET that everyone goes through financial issues and I am and have been sympathetic to that...I have told her several times that if she can’t afford to be in the wedding my feelings would not be hurt because the last thing I want is to put her in a bad place financially. But dictating everything from date of the wedding to demanding that her man be the DJ at the reception and to being blatantly rude to my fiancé every chance she gets..There is only so much a girl can take...The Dress is the ONLY obligation that a BM has. AND NO I would not end a friendship over a dress and have been doing everything in my power to bite my tongue and keep our relationship intact.

rae1200

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_killer-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:42915852-13c4-4da8-bb8f-b4cd87611e0dPost:038679ad-4646-4203-841b-31d08218127b">Re: Killer BM!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Killer BM!! : I thought it was a typo the first time around but it is SENSE Then just pick the dang dress yourself since you get the final say anyway. Things change and sometimes what people thought that they could afford at first may not be what they can afford now. So you would seriously ruin a friendship because she can't afford the type of dress you want?  It is a f***ing dress!  Why don't you stop b$tching (like I said before) and be a friend to her and possibly help her out the best you can...like pay for the difference and tell her to pay you back when she can or just pay for it and be happy that you still have a friendship. Think about how you would feel if you were the one in her position.  What if when she asked you to be a BM you were able to afford whatever the dress cost, but now, things may have changed, and you can only afford a $50 dress.  How would you feel if your friend b$tched and complained that you were being unreasonable and threatening to kick you out because of your lack of funds.  I bet you would feel really sh$tty, wouldn't you.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

When did I ever say that I have confronted her about it?? and I HAVE certantly never called her out or threatened to KICK her out of the wedding. It looks like you take things and twist them around. And as I am paying for her travel, lodging and hair and make up I dont think that I am asking for too much.

jerseydevil

Why do people stop being people and are just bridesmaids to some brides out there?

I'm sorry if you have had some friction with her recently over other issues, but honestly, if $50 is all she can afford, why not keep it simple and have her kick in $50 towards the dress and you cover the rest?

Maggie0829

Well you never said that you were paying for anything for her.  You have to realize that what you write and how you write it is the only information that we know and the only thing that we can comment on.

From your other posts, my question to you is why did you even ask her to be a part of your day in the first place.  If she is a friend, you should know how she is and I doubt that this is the first time that she has exhibited this controlling and blunt behavior.  But since you can't kick her out you need to deal with the dress situation.  Just let her get a dress that she can afford...DB always has sales and such...I am sure she can find something suitable to wear there that is in her price range.

kmmssg

What exactly was your discussion with her when it came to dress budget?  Did you ask her privately what her budget was or was this never discussed?

rae1200

We were having lunch and looking through Bridal magazines..we both were pointing out dresses and designers that we like..After some research I told her what price range the dresses fell in. We have been talking dresses since December of last year. This is the first I have heard of a price cap. She has only now brought up financial issues with me as they are private which is completely understandable. Everyone is stretched to the max these days and I told her that any dress I pick would be reasonable in price. The wedding is next May and I dont think saving $150 to $200 would be hard on her. I have never threatened to kick her out of the wedding...It just seems like this whole deal is a financial burden on her...She is my friend first and foremost that is why I thought maybe she could be feeling that she wanted out of the wedding and just didn’t know how to tell me she couldn’t afford it. But I have told her many times what designers I am looking at and what the price ranges are.

kmmssg

If you are thinking 150 - 200 is reasonable for a BM dress, I would seriously rethink that.  If she didn't tell you specifically what she could spend, you shouldn't be assuming that is ok.

I could look at pics of Vera Wang dresses with one of the DDs, but if we haven't had a specific conversation about it that doesn't mean she is getting it.

I'm wondering if there some assumptions on both sides here and just a lack of clear communication.

graysquirrel

Is the dress designer really so crucial to the dress? I have seen lots of very very similar looking dresses made by all kinds of deigners. As long as she can find a full length dress in the right fabric and color that will be somewhat cohesive with your level of formality, why does it matter so much who designed it? If she can find a decent $50 dress that would work that isn't by the exact designer, would that work?

It sounds like there are a lot of frustrations in your relationship that have nothing to do with the dress, so I understand why you are probably a little upset. But as far as the dress goes, if all she can afford is a $50 dress, it isn't a hill worth dying on if you can find an alternative. I would do some research on my own at places like Macy's or Herbergers or something and see if you can find a decent dress on sale that will work for both of you. Or tell her to go find a dress that meets with your guidelines and see what she comes up with.

rae1200

I haven’t asked anyone the shell anything out NOW....This all happened in a general conversation. I have not even confronted her about the price point yet..I don’t expect us to actually go shopping for at least a few months but I think it would be better to solve this issue now rather than later when she has to tell me in front of everyone at the bridal store that she is the only one that cant pay for the dress...this was a vent session in hopes of getting an idea of how to approach such a subject with a friend when our relationship is already on the rocks. And yes the dress is the tip of the iceberg (and it most always is when it comes to stuff like this) I feel that I have bent over backwards to keep this relationship going. I have 5 bridesmaids and NONE of them care what the price is...They are just happy to be in the wedding to celebrate our big day. I appreciate everyone’s input. Most of you have been brutal but Hey that’s what these posts are about!! You have all given me plenty to think about.

afeliz79

Just a reminder it's "sense of style" not "since of style"

Maggie0829

Just because the rest of your BMs don't care about the price doesn't mean that the one BM in question doesn't either.  Apparently she does care and has told you her price point.  As I have said before you need to talk with her about her budget for the dress again and if she cannot afford the dress that you want her to have then you need to help her out!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_killer-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42915852-13c4-4da8-bb8f-b4cd87611e0dPost:8d0530ba-e5c0-4a62-951b-83649006277c">Re: Killer BM!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven’t asked anyone the shell anything out NOW....This all happened in a general conversation. I have not even confronted her about the price point yet..I don’t expect us to actually go shopping for at least a few months but I think it would be better to solve this issue now rather than later when she has to tell me in front of everyone at the bridal store that she is the only one that cant pay for the dress...this was a vent session in hopes of getting an idea of how to approach such a subject with a friend when<strong> our relationship is already on the rocks</strong>. And yes the dress is the tip of the iceberg (and it most always is when it comes to stuff like this) I feel that I have bent over backwards to keep this relationship going.<strong> I have 5 bridesmaids and NONE of them care what the price is.</strong>..They are just happy to be in the wedding to celebrate our big day. I appreciate everyone’s input. Most of you have been brutal but Hey that’s what these posts are about!! :) You have all given me plenty to think about.
Posted by rae1200[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Try not focusing on the wedding aspect of your problems with her and start having honest/heart felt conversations with her about your friendship and things that might be troubling one another. This might actually solve some of your building stress and aggravation you have with her. Not to be a downer but friendships do come and go, but friendships that usually stay for a long time are because the people have open, honest, understanding, and respectful conversations with one another. </div><div>
</div><div>As for your other girls being willing to pay anything. It doesn't matter if they will spend anything on your "vision", you STILL need to respect and understand that THIS BM doesn't feel comfortable in spending over $50 on a dress she is never going to wear again. </div><div>
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kmmssg

You say the other 5 girls don't care what the price is. I don't believe that.  They may not have TOLD you so, but anytime you  are spending 150 - 200 for a dress you will wear one time, you care.

cesiao

@OP, I think you wrote this because you were genuinely stressing about this issue. She's your friend, you know her and only you know if she has issues beyond the price of the dress. I think you should just give it some time. You do want your wedding day to be "your day", but you also want to compromise where you can for your friends, because ultimately your family and friends are the most important relationships you have. For example, maybe just keep the dress restrictions to dress color and length. For my wedding, most of my BMs are buying their dresses at the same place, all different styles and one sent me a pic before she purchased it. I asked if they could wear ivory-colored shoes. I'm paying for hair, make-up, and accessories so they can have something to tie it all together. You're not going to be able to give in to everything, like DJ or short dress if everyone is wearing a long formal dress. I do agree though, that TJ Maxx could have the dress, you'd be surprised. Sometimes it takes several...several tries but they will have something you like, you should go with her and bond a little. Good luck!! Try to enjoy your wedding planning. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff!

MariodoMujer

Wow, I feel you are all being very unfair. I think when expressing an opinion it is important to be tactful and calling people names like the "B" word and dropping f bombs is ridiculous especfially since you dont know the whole story.

I gotta say I sympathize with the bride here. When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you agree to buy the dress the bride chooses. Is it really that unreasonable for a bride to want uniformity at her wedding? And although this bride may not have asked her BMs for their budget, she inculded them in the search of a designer and gave them a ball park figure of how much each designer cost. That was the time for any BM who had a problem with it to take the bride aside and express her concerns. This BM chose to wait. And I have to say, it seems like the bride chose a designer with pretty low cost BM dresses. You should expect to pay about $200 for a BM dress. You would have to be living under a rock if you dont know that

Solution: have your BMs buy their dresses later so she has time to save up money. Or you can pay the difference yourself. Or you could give a swatch of fabric to each BM and ask them to find whatever dress they would like in that color. It may not be ideal for a bride but atleast you get to keep your BMs happy with the end result being a drama free wedding

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_killer-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:42915852-13c4-4da8-bb8f-b4cd87611e0dPost:0238801f-4cd8-4ac1-a504-1282b27eed4c">Re: Killer BM!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I feel you are all being very unfair. I think when expressing an opinion it is important to be tactful and calling people names like the "B" word and dropping f bombs is ridiculous especfially since you dont know the whole story. I gotta say I sympathize with the bride here. <strong>When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you agree to buy the dress the bride chooses. Is it really that unreasonable for a bride to want uniformity at her wedding? And although this bride may not have asked her BMs for their budget, she inculded them in the search of a designer and gave them a ball park figure of how much each designer cost. That was the time for any BM who had a problem with it to take the bride aside and express her concerns. This BM chose to wait. And I have to say, it seems like the bride chose a designer with pretty low cost BM dresses. You should expect to pay about $200 for a BM dress. You would have to be living under a rock if you dont know that Solution: have your BMs buy their dresses later so she has time to save up money</strong>. Or you can pay the difference yourself. Or you could give a swatch of fabric to each BM and ask them to find whatever dress they would like in that color. It may not be ideal for a bride but atleast you get to keep your BMs happy with the end result being a drama free wedding
Posted by MariodoMujer[/QUOTE]<div>Then I must live under a rock because I have never spent over $150 for a BM dress and that is because I was <strong>comfortable</strong> with that price. My best friend got married her MOH just got out of Grad school and had very little cash to spend. My best friend want a certain dress and just decided to buy it for her because she CARED about her FRIEND over a <em>dress</em>.</div><div>
</div><div>I actually don't care if a Bride does uniformity but if a BM HAS a problem with the dress chosen then the Bride needs to rethink her "vision" because no "vision" should hurt or destroy a friendship.</div><div>
</div><div> As for the Bride giving the BMs what designer she was going with which gives the ballpark of the price, that STILL doesn't help the BMs. What friend wants to tell another friend that they are not financially able or comfortable in paying when the Bride has her heart set on something. SO many problems can be prevented if a Bride just has the courtesy to ASK her BMs BEFORE looking, and RESPECT the friend's budget and pick out a dress in that range.

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froggatt.clare

A ballpark figure is different from an actual budget.  OP, I understand that you had an initial conversation with your maids about a potential price, but as the bride it is your responsibility to ask each woman individually about their budgets.  You certainly should not wait until you are all together shopping for dresses. 

Yes, currently it is not uncommon for bridesmaid dresses costing $150-200.  That does not mean that everyone can afford those costs.  The most expensive dress I purchased for a wedding was $240, the cheapest so far has been $40 (plus $10 shipping).  There are lovely dresses in all different budgets.

If your relationship with this friend is on the rocks anyway, why rock the boat by making a big deal over a dress?  Also, if your wedding isn't until May 2012, keep in mind a lot of things could change.  Someone could get pregnant, or laid off, or God forbid have an accident or a medical issue that makes them unable to afford the dress or to stand on your wedding day or need to buy a maternity dress.  That is life, and life happens.

I understand it is frustrating if your friend gave you the impression that she could afford the original dress, but she cannot.  So figure something out.