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FMIL already a judgemental NIGHTMARE!

Jklyn50Jklyn50 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My fiance and I just got engaged last week, and we went to dinner with FMIL three days afterwards. We met her in the parking lot, and she loved my ring. When we sat down at the table, all the pleasantries stopped. She asked me, "So, what colors are you thinking of doing?" I love, love, love pink. The majority of the things I own are pink. FH knows this, and he is totally ok with a pink wedding. I told her pink and white were my colors. And with SUCH a disgusted look on her face, she says, "Oh. Well I was thinking blue."

Then she proceeded to launch into this speech to my FH:

"Now, the groom's parent's don't pay for any of the wedding. It's all the bride's parent's responsibility to pay for everything. You did make the big investment after all."

FH and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and I thought it was so rude of her to say something like that in front of me.

It is still two years until the wedding, and she's already this hateful? How am I supposed to deal with this? Please help!
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Re: FMIL already a judgemental NIGHTMARE!

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    Jklyn50Jklyn50 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I meant OUR colors, not mine. I'm the one who picked them, so I slip up sometimes. Sorry!
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The best thing you can do is start mastering the Bean Dip aka changing the subject routine. If she wants to talk about the wedding, give a simple and very generic answer and change the subject. If she comments on it, just keep changing the subject. You should also talk to your FI and make sure he keeps her in check if any problems arise. 

    Lucky for you, since you and your FI are paying, you two get the last say on anything including location, flowers, guest list, etc. I highly recommend when you do the guest lists that you find out how many people you can afford to budget and then decide how you want to divide it up be it you and your FI, determining if you want to give each family X amount of invites and let them choose who they want, or you both deciding a certain cut off with family (1st cousins, 2nd cousins, aunts/uncles, etc). I say this because it sounds like his mom is one opinionated person and if you give her free reign on who she "may" want to invite could probably turn into drama and a headache for you.

    Good luck in your planning.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-already-judgemental-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:48123225-a48b-4b34-9215-acb37bdbf0bfPost:d2de32e7-cecf-4bd6-b59d-e849e44f9dba">FMIL already a judgemental NIGHTMARE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance and I just got engaged last week, and we went to dinner with FMIL three days afterwards. We met her in the parking lot, and she loved my ring. When we sat down at the table, all the pleasantries stopped. She asked me, "So, what colors are you thinking of doing?" I love, love, love pink. The majority of the things I own are pink. FH knows this, and he is totally ok with a pink wedding. I told her pink and white were my colors. And with SUCH  a disgusted look on her face, she says, "Oh. Well  I was thinking blue." Then she proceeded to launch into this speech to my FH: "Now, the groom's parent's don't pay for any of the wedding. It's all the bride's parent's responsibility to pay for everything. You did make the big investment after all." FH and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and I thought it was so rude of her to say something like that in front of me. It is still two years until the wedding, and she's already this hateful? How am I supposed to deal with this? Please help!
    Posted by Jklyn50[/QUOTE]

    How did your FI react?
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    CassieeKCassieeK
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, since she isn't going to be contributing, you are not obligated to discuss anything about the wedding with her.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should avoid wedding talk with her as much as you possibly can. If she continues to make remarks about who (besides her) should pay for what, your fi should tell her it's none of her concern. The nerve of some people!

    Autumn gave you some excellent advise regarding the guest list. Decide if and how many guests you will allow the parents to invite, give them a number and stick to your guns. I have a feeling your FMIL is going to be a challenge.

    Good luck and congratulations on your engagement.
                       
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    Allycat11Allycat11
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-already-judgemental-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:48123225-a48b-4b34-9215-acb37bdbf0bfPost:542eec79-a9b2-48c7-9de4-944928bc2a93">Re: FMIL already a judgemental NIGHTMARE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, since she isn't going to be contributing, you are not obligated to discuss anything about the wedding with her.
    Posted by CassieeK[/QUOTE]

    Ditto.  Also, make sure your FI backs you up.  A lot of men struggle with learning to take their FI's side over their mom's side, girls bring it up on these boards a lot.  Just make sure he is willing to stand up to his mother if need be.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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    ashlidieashlidie member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I also have a pleasant FMIL... 

    We have already butted heads over the guest list big time.  I could go on and on because of how furious I am about it.  So one thing I wish I did was, keep her out of the loop.  Talk to your FI and create a boundary for the guest list (just grandparents, aunts uncles and below, for example)  Tally up all these people from both sides of your family WITHOUT asking the FMIL.  If you want to be generous, round it up just to appease her (if it equal 32, give her 35).  Give her that number and tell her she can write down every person she wants to be there but 35 is the absolute, not just 1 more, she can have.  She can feel involved in this way..

    Just do not tell her how many friends and family from your side you are inviting so she doesn't complain.

    OH and if she wants to play games, the grooms family should be responsible for the rehearsal if we are going by the "rules"

    AND whatever you do, do NOT accept money from them because then they feel entitled to make decisions for YOUR wedding.  As Cassiee said, you don't have to tell her about anything.  Change the subject if she brings it up.  Unfortunately it's what I have to do now.
    June 2013 - Shoe Inspiration
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    mellimel19mellimel19
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she brings up money again, perhaps FI could explain to her that this is 2011, the tradition of the bride's family paying for the entire wedding is becoming an outdated one, these days many couples foot the bill on their own, and that that's what you plan on doing. And then I would probably leave her out of most of the wedding planning if you think she is going to be so judgemental about your choices. After all, if she's not contributing financially, she doesn't really get a say.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Having been a MOB 3 times, I could see myself sitting across from this woman thinking, "ok, it is my job to pay?  No problem.  We will let you know when the wedding is and at what time.  See you there."

    I'm mad for you!  You have lots of good advice here.  Do not share details with her and make sure FI has your back on this.  If you guys are on the same page, you will be fine.
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    Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-already-judgemental-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:48123225-a48b-4b34-9215-acb37bdbf0bfPost:420c93df-e32f-48f4-9b08-5f3087c738b2">Re: FMIL already a judgemental NIGHTMARE!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Having been a MOB 3 times, I could see myself sitting across from this woman thinking, "ok, it is my job to pay?  No problem.  We will let you know when the wedding is and at what time.  See you there." I'm mad for you!  You have lots of good advice here.  Do not share details with her and make sure FI has your back on this.  If you guys are on the same page, you will be fine.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    THIS!!!!!  <strong>Exactly!</strong>
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    Jklyn50Jklyn50 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you everybody for your advice! I see a lot of "bean dipping" in my future! I'm happy to know I'm not just being a "bridezilla" about it! (She actually asked me if I was going to be a big bridezilla during the planning process. I just smiled and said, "I make no promises.")
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