Bridesmaid Backed Out

mialorraine

Hello fellow brides,

I just had one of my bridesmaids back out on my wedding (which is 3 months away). I want to ask someone else to replace her, but am afraid that whoever I ask will know they were my back-up option. I do have the option of not asking someone else, but I would like to maintain an even number. Any suggestions? Has this happened to you?

waltzingmatilda13

I recommend that you don't replace her. The replacement will know they were just a backup and no one needs to feel like that. Also no one will notice or judge uneven sides. 

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:488e6849-1fb3-491f-97a6-503ce00c7432Post:05164ca5-0429-4909-bea6-c895bb1c7c27">Bridesmaid Backed Out</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello fellow brides, I just had one of my bridesmaids back out on my wedding (which is 3 months away). I want to ask someone else to replace her, but am afraid that whoever I ask will know they were my back-up option.<strong> I do have the option of not asking someone else, but I would like to maintain an even number.</strong> Any suggestions? Has this happened to you?
Posted by mialorraine[/QUOTE]
Don't ask someone just for the sake of even numbers.  If they weren't important enough to ask in the first place then they probably shouldn't be in your wedding party.

graysquirrel

It is never good to replace a BM. The relpaced girl will know that she is replacable and will probably be offended and the one added will know that she is second choice. Friendships are more important than even numbers. In 20 years when you look back at your photos it will mean more to you to see the smiling, happy faces of your friends than to have an even number of boys and girls. Friendships are so much more important than anything else!

kaitlyn&henry

uneven sides are ok...i had 7 bridesmaids, my DH only had 5 groomsmen and it tunred out fine! If youre worried about pictures, your photographer will know how to make them look fantastic.

LittleMissCutiePie

Your instincts are right. Your BMs will feel more like props and less like friends if they know they're replaceable. Uneven sides are not the end of the world.

mialorraine

She backed out because she lives out of state, and as you all know, being in a wedding is a big financial commitment. I guess her current financial situation just prevented her from coming. It sucks because there were a few others I would have asked, but we limited it to four people. I will have to think about it more...maybe someone will volunteer and then it would work out.

RaptorSLH

relationships > quotas

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:488e6849-1fb3-491f-97a6-503ce00c7432Post:974f8394-f08d-4a5f-a76d-3beffe38ce7a">Re: Bridesmaid Backed Out</a>:
[QUOTE]She backed out because she lives out of state, and as you all know, being in a wedding is a big financial commitment. I guess her current financial situation just prevented her from coming. It sucks because there were a few others I would have asked, but we limited it to four people. I will have to think about it more...maybe someone will volunteer and then it would work out.
Posted by mialorraine[/QUOTE]

Nobody with the commen sense that God gave a goat volunteers themselves to be in a bridal party.  You have uneven sides.  It's fine.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:488e6849-1fb3-491f-97a6-503ce00c7432Post:974f8394-f08d-4a5f-a76d-3beffe38ce7a">Re: Bridesmaid Backed Out</a>:
[QUOTE]She backed out because she lives out of state, and as you all know, being in a wedding is a big financial commitment.<strong> I guess her current financial situation just prevented her from coming.</strong> It sucks because there were a few others I would have asked, but we limited it to four people. I will have to think about it more...<strong>maybe someone will volunteer and then it would work out.</strong>
Posted by mialorraine[/QUOTE]

<div>Is there anyway you can help her to have her stay your WP by helping with costs? If you can I think it would be a nice gesture. </div><div>
</div><div>You think someone else will randomly volunteer to be in your wedding? Am I reading that right? Your WP should be those people nearest and dearest to you, not just anyone and especially not someone who asks to be in it. If you didn't choose them to stand up with you they shouldn't be standing there. </div>

andreamarie77

An uneven WP is nothing to stress over. I would make sure that your friendship is in tact before getting worried about the number of people you have standing on both sides of you.

I have 9 close girl friends - I only asked one to be my MOH, and one other one to be a BM. My other 2 BMs are FI's sisters. I didn't want a huge WP, and I wanted people in the audience! FI has 5 people on his side. Uneven. No big deal. And none of my other friends were upset at all that they didn't get asked. They were at my bachelorette party and will be at my shower. That's all they wanted. We're still friends, we're all still close. And I have no drama!

Queen Jane

My MOH backed out a few months before the wedding. I did not replace her, I simply had someone else do the things she would have (hold my bouquet during the ceremony, hang onto the ring, sign the license). I had 5 girls and H had 11 people stand up for him, uneven is ok.

zitiqueen

Maybe you could call the local college drama club and see if they have somebody who would be willing to act as a human prop so your sides are even. I mean, of course you'd have to pay them, but at least you wouldn't be insulting any of your so-called friends who weren't good enough the first time around.

lenergyrlah

I have 7 on my side; FI has 8.  I could come up with somebody to be my 8th person, but why would I want to do that?

bvanosten

I hear what you are saying and don't think it's much of a big deal.  I probably wouldn't specifically ask any of my friends to step in but if there was a friend that had really stepped up and was consistently asking about wedding plans, etc., I might bring up that I was upset about the one friend dropping out and how had I known, I would have asked her.  Then let her be the one to suggest it, if she didn't, then let it die.  If it was one of my close friends and they needed me for the last few months, I would do it in a heartbeat, even if I wasn't the first choice. Maybe she'd even get out of planning the shower and the expensive stuff.  I wouldn't let her buy her dress though, you'd have to pay for that.

That being said, I had uneven sides and it was fine.

rungirl12

I understand your situation.  I guess I'm not sure why anyone else here doesn't.  Some people are set on having even numbers and to others it does not matter.  I had a friend that ended up asking another when one backed out and the replacement was flattered and not at all offended.  If you felt limited in the first place, you likely had additional people you felt could be in the wedding party.  If it's clear to you the one that stands out that you would want to ask, I say go ahead and don't act like she's not a replacement.  Tell her, "FI & I decided to limit our party to 4.  So & so had to back out and I'd be honored to have you as a bridesmaid.  I completely understand your decision either way."  In that scenario, if she's a real friend, she'll understand.  She may do it, she may not.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:488e6849-1fb3-491f-97a6-503ce00c7432Post:8a8ee67a-1bd0-4281-bd73-c7ec076f5247">Re: Bridesmaid Backed Out</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand your situation.  I guess I'm not sure why anyone else here doesn't.  Some people are set on having even numbers and to others it does not matter.  I had a friend that ended up asking another when one backed out and the replacement was flattered and not at all offended.  If you felt limited in the first place, you likely had additional people you felt could be in the wedding party.  If it's clear to you the one that stands out that you would want to ask, I say go ahead and don't act like she's not a replacement.  Tell her, "FI & I decided to limit our party to 4.  So & so had to back out and I'd be honored to have you as a bridesmaid.  I completely understand your decision either way."  In that scenario, if she's a real friend, she'll understand.  She may do it, she may not.
Posted by rungirl12[/QUOTE]

For some people, friendships matter more than numbers or symmetry. You're not one of those people.

froggatt.clare

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-backed-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:488e6849-1fb3-491f-97a6-503ce00c7432Post:8a8ee67a-1bd0-4281-bd73-c7ec076f5247">Re: Bridesmaid Backed Out</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand your situation.  I guess I'm not sure why anyone else here doesn't.  Some people are set on having even numbers and to others it does not matter.  I had a friend that ended up asking another when one backed out and the replacement was flattered and not at all offended.  If you felt limited in the first place, you likely had additional people you felt could be in the wedding party.  If it's clear to you the one that stands out that you would want to ask, I say go ahead and don't act like she's not a replacement.  Tell her, "FI & I decided to limit our party to 4.  So & so had to back out and I'd be honored to have you as a bridesmaid.  I completely understand your decision either way."  In that scenario, if she's a real friend, she'll understand.  She may do it, she may not.
Posted by rungirl12[/QUOTE]

Just because the 'replacement' wasn't visibly offended doesn't mean that you didn't offend her.  And my guess is that the woman who needed to remove herself was hurt by this as well.

mialorraine

Thank you to all of you who were supportive. I did ask a co-worker and she is very excited and honored to be in my wedding. She is just a good of friend as any other, and she understands the situation. I never said that I was going to choose some random person just to make sides even. I am sure everyone has a lot of good friends, but you can't possibly ask them all to be in your wedding. I do appreciate everyone's opinion, but it is hard to want to be part of the Knot when some people are incredibly saracstic or rude. It's really not necessary and I don't think you would want to be treated that way either.