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FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)

EBDGEBDG
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in Moms and Maids
So my FMIL asked me a few months ago for some suggestions for the rehearsal dinner, i choose a few places that are different (a local restaurant, a pasta bar, a little cosy italian restaurant etc.) Reason being i wanted it to be casual, no stress and not a 5 course meal like the following night. She didn't go with my suggestions and choose somewhere else. She asked me to go with her to see it last night. I did and had mentioned that the restaurants bar menu (lobster rolls, sandwiches, etc) was very good thinking that was why we were going. When I met her there, she was looking at a 5 course menu. 

I realized we weren't on the same page, tried to explain and it just didn't go well. My FI was there, and just sat there which made me more frustrated.  By the time we got home i had just taken a few deep breaths and decided to email her and explain that her decision was fine, and i'm sure it would be a great party...

In doing so i explained to my FI that i didn't really feel i needed to be involved in the rehearsal dinner as his mom was so adament it was her party. now he is mad.

I feel like no matter what decision i made (whether i stuck with the casual dinner i wanted, or just let her plan) i wasn't going to win.

why did she invite me if she didn't really want my opinion? and is it fair now to just take a step back and let her plan? it's no longer my vision and i'm okay with that, but i don't feel i need to help plan it. or am i looking at this all wrong? help!
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Re: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If she is paying for the dinner then she gets the final say.  I had absolutely no say in my rehersal dinner...all I did was give my MIL a list of people who would need to be invited (ie the WP and my immediate family).  She did ask what I may want but in the end she did what she wanted and it was perfect.

    I agree that you just need to step back from the planning process.  I am not sure why your FI would be mad about that and why he didn't stick up for you when you were trying to explain to HIS mother what you were actually wanting to do.  You and your FI need to be on the same page so I would work on that issue and let your FMIL plan what she wants.

    I am sure whatever she decides you will have a great time.  Just know that even if it is a five course meal only a few of the people actually attending your wedding will be there so the overall effect of the next day will not be dampened.

    I am sure it will all work out fine!

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    EBDGEBDG
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks for the  pep talk :)
     
    My FMIL just told my FI that my list of 39 people needs to be 36 people so that the tables are even.

    I really don't get it. I think that is a ridiculous request. All people are invited are family, wedding party, and dates. who does she expect me to uninvite?
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your FMIL was probably took you to see the restaurant because she was very excited about it and thought you would be, too. This really is her party since she is hosting and paying for it, so there is nothing wrong with her planning according to her own taste.

    You should think of this as a gift from your ILs and act accordingly. You wouldn't open a gift and announce that it isn't your style,  would you? I suspect that your fi didn't stand up for you because you were not hiding your disappointment very well and his mom's feelings were hurt.




                       
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b302aa5-9a67-440d-aee5-fd9aba016233Post:f9dd639d-4bc4-460f-b376-3e1e306d9cd5">Re: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]thanks for the  pep talk :)   My FMIL just told my FI that my list of 39 people needs to be 36 people so that the tables are even. I really don't get it. I think that is a ridiculous request. All people are invited are family, wedding party, and dates. who does she expect me to uninvite?
    Posted by EBDG[/QUOTE]

    Well, that's an odd request : ( Talk to fi about it and let him work it out with his mom.
                       
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b302aa5-9a67-440d-aee5-fd9aba016233Post:f9dd639d-4bc4-460f-b376-3e1e306d9cd5">Re: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]thanks for the  pep talk :)   My FMIL just told my FI that <strong>my list of 39 people needs to be 36 people so that the tables are even</strong>. I really don't get it. I think that is a ridiculous request. All people are invited are family, wedding party, and dates. who does she expect me to uninvite?
    Posted by EBDG[/QUOTE]

    Um....IMO I think your FMIL is a bit odd :)

    Have your FI deal with this...he needs to explain to her what you just explained to us.

    WHY OH WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO MAKE EVERYTHING EVEN!!!!! (not directed towards you, OP, but just a much needed vent)

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    ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree she was excited and wanted to share her excitement with you. She may also have shown the place to you so you could be prepared and prepare your "side" of the guests. I'm not really a partier and need to know in advance if I'm going to a 5-course dinner or a laid-back buffet. My family also has allergies and digestive health issues, and while we might not insist on those being accomodated, if, for example, my wheat-allergic mother was invited to dinner at a pasta bar, she'd have to know so she could eat in advance.

    Everyone who has to be at the rehearsal, which is the wedding party and the bride and groom's immediate families, has to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. Anything else is just as bad as inviting someone to just the wedding ceremony, not the reception. So explain each guest's role and repeat you don't care about even tables. With 35-40 people, the chances of someone being unable to attend at least the whole thing seems high, too. So the tables likely won't be even, anyway.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b302aa5-9a67-440d-aee5-fd9aba016233Post:22d19b04-f5d7-4899-b31a-1c8c02516351">FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my FMIL asked me a few months ago for some suggestions for the rehearsal dinner, i choose a few places that are different (a local restaurant, a pasta bar, a little cosy italian restaurant etc.) Reason being i wanted it to be casual, no stress and not a 5 course meal like the following night. She didn't go with my suggestions and choose somewhere else. She asked me to go with her to see it last night. I did and had mentioned that the restaurants bar menu (lobster rolls, sandwiches, etc) was very good thinking that was why we were going. When I met her there, she was looking at a 5 course menu.  I realized we weren't on the same page, tried to explain and it just didn't go well. My FI was there, and just sat there which made me more frustrated.  By the time we got home i had just taken a few deep breaths and decided to email her and explain that her decision was fine, and i'm sure it would be a great party... In doing so i explained to my FI that i didn't really feel i needed to be involved in the rehearsal dinner as his mom was so adament it was her party. now he is mad. I feel like no matter what decision i made (whether i stuck with the casual dinner i wanted, or just let her plan) i wasn't going to win. why did she invite me if she didn't really want my opinion? and is it fair now to just take a step back and let her plan? it's no longer my vision and i'm okay with that, but i don't feel i need to help plan it. or am i looking at this all wrong? help!
    Posted by EBDG[/QUOTE]

    You know, you are allowed to graciously turn down her offer to host your rehearsal dinner and pay for it yourselves. That way you get the dinner you want.
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    elisaandjeremyelisaandjeremy member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4b302aa5-9a67-440d-aee5-fd9aba016233Post:f9dd639d-4bc4-460f-b376-3e1e306d9cd5">Re: FMIL and Rehearsal Dinner (help!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]thanks for the  pep talk :)   My FMIL just told my FI that my list of 39 people needs to be 36 people <strong>so that the tables are even.</strong> I really don't get it. I think that is a ridiculous request. All people are invited are family, wedding party, and dates. who does she expect me to uninvite?
    Posted by EBDG[/QUOTE]
    let her know you don't mind squeezing the 3 people near your seat and read some Emily Post articles about etiquette.
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