MOH issues...

yellowflower10+1

  just decided to forget about it...  you're right...it's not worth stressing over.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-issuesi-am-end-of-rope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4c1d34f5-7530-42db-ae1d-3269742dedfaPost:4b843593-afb5-4999-8e13-85299aa2c637">MOH issues...I am at the end of my rope.</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my cousin to be my MOH over a year ago and I'm getting married in August.  I have reached the end of my rope with her, and I am at the point that I no longer know what to do.  My MOH created huge problems with the dress....she went so far as ordering extra fabric and planning to have it lengthened by a friend of the family.  Her dress hit her knees at the same spot as the other bridesmaids ( I had to prove this with photographs).  My MOH also did not ask permission to do this. The dress issues are not the main problem though, I'm sad to say. My MOH asked me about throwing a shower several weeks ago.  We talked about it that day and set a date for late June.  She seemed like she really wanted to do it and even had some ideas for what to do.  I let her know that the other bridesmaids were willing to help out, and that she could contact them if she needed anything.  Weeks went by and the invitations were not even bought.  I even casually asked her about it a few times as a reminder.  She also never bothered to find a location for the shower.  After seeing how frustrated I was, my future mother-in-law politely asked my MOH about the shower (this was three weeks before the shower date).  My MOH told her that she was going to buy and send out the invites the next day.  My future MIL also offered several suggestions and said she would help (she is throwing a shower already, and is very busy).  Almost a week goes by since my future MIL talked with my MOH....which brings us to tonight.  At 10:15 at night, I got a text from my MOH that asks me if we can do another day.  She says she hasn't figured out where to hold it "and i blew it on getting the invites out of course".  It's one thing to say upfront that you can't do something, but another to say you'll do something and act like you WANT to....and then completely flake out on someone.  Especially when it has to do with something like a wedding shower. I feel hurt and really let down.  I am fed up with this, and I honestly feel like she just doesn't care.  I'm sad to say that she is making me 100x more stressed...in fact this is really the only thing that is stressing me out.  I feel like I should ask her to step down, but am not sure if this is the right thing to do or how to do it.....HELP!! Me=seriously sad and frustrated
Posted by yellowflower10+1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Take a deep breath and exhale slowly.</div><div>
</div><div>The dress thing really isn't that big of a deal.  If she feels uncomfortable then why not let her add a bit on length.  She's the one that has to wear it and pay for it.  She's also the MOH so if she looks slightly different from the rest of the BM no one would think anything of it.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the party, you need some perspective.  You're right in the middle of this so you don't see it how others do.  <strong>You're overreacting because of a party.</strong>  Remember that this is a gift and no one is obligated to throw you a shower.  I know it's frustrating when someone says they'll do something and then completely slacks on it but really, it's just a party.  Any of your other BM can step up and plan one for you if they want to.  </div><div>
</div><div>None of this is a reason to remove someone from your wedding party.  Just take a few deep breaths and put everything in perspective.  Remember, if it doesn't stop you and your FI from saying "I do" it's not worth stressing over.

</div>

bstent

I completely understand how you feel, and I would be majorly frustrated and disappointed too. I agree with PP, don't ask her to step down. It's a potential relationship-ender and I think months or years down the road you will regret the damage that was done over a party.

That being said, you might consider limiting your time discussing wedding related things with her, just to limit your own frustration. If you want to deal with the shower issue, you can tell her (in a non-blaming way) that she doesn't need to throw your shower or that it seems like she needs some help planning ("It seems like you've been really busy and overwhelmed lately, if the shower is too much stress please don't feel obligated to throw me one" or "I get the feeling that this shower is a bit stressful for you, here's _blank's_ (name of bridesmaid or other person who has expressed interest in helping plan party) phone number, she really wants to help! Why don't you give her a call?") Don't let her stress you out and try to focus on the reasons why you asked her to be MOH in the first place. Spend some time just as friends, not wedding related. Maybe there's something more going on than her just being flaky (especially if that's out of character for her)

Good luck and like PP said, take a deep breath! A lot of the time these things seem worse in the moment and when you look back later you realize it didn't matter.

yellowflower10+1

Honestly it isn't about the shower.  I am upset because she is creating issues when there shouldn't be any.  This was her idea, and ever since she brought it up she's been complaining about it.  I DID give her other people's information to help plan, and she decided not to contact them.  My FMIL even offered to help and she turned her down.  My point is, if you don't want to do something then don't offer.  And this is typical of her personality.  I guess it was just my fault for asking her to be MOH in the first place. 

jagore08

This really isn't a MOH issue, it's a friend/personality issue.  If she was like this before then you shouldn't be surprised.  I know she got your hopes up with offering to do things for you but you shouldn't get your hopes up (especially if she's done things like this in the past).  My best advice is to just move on.  Don't expect that she'll throw you a shower because you'll just be let down again.  This is not worth getting upset over.  If she offers to do anything else during your planning process, smile and thank her but don't expect much because this just sounds like her personality.  If anyone else wants to throw you a shower then great.  If not, then you won't have a shower, no big deal (a lot of brides don't have showers).

corpseflower

I'm having a similar issue and I understand completely what you are going through. My one BM is controlling and excluded the other 2 BM from planning my shower. Then 2 days before the shower text them saying they each owed $180 for the shower. Neither of them could afford it and they were hurt because she left them out and didn't take their financial situations into consideration. Another of my BM said she would plan the Bach party since she coldn't be involved in the shower and told me she had all sorts of crazy plans for the night but didn't actually plan anything. My 3rd BM jumped in and pulled off a wicked bach party planning everything the day before. The whole time I didn't even care if I had a shower or bach partyI just wanted my closest girls with me when I got married but they insisted and everything fell apart. Now I'm so upset by the 2 BM's thotlessness and cattiness that I don't even want to be around them. Let alone on my big day. But i'm not dropping anybody from the wedding. I'm just not talking to them or involving them till the day of to save my sanity.