Moms and Maids

How do you tell someone they aren't in your bridal party?

How do you tell someone you don't want them in your bridal party if they already assume that they are?

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I also don't want this person in my bridal party nor do I want her doing any other special tasks at my wedding.

She thinks we are a lot closer than we are but we have nothing in common and I'd really prefer she were just there as a guest.

What can I do?

Re: How do you tell someone they aren't in your bridal party?

  • Stop discussing wedding plans with her.  Eventually she will get the hint as the wedding date gets closer.  If she asks you point blank, you can be prepared with lines like "We haven't worked out those details yet" or "I'm focusing on _____ right now instead."  Make sure that whatever you say cannot be interpreted as intent to ask her to be a bridesmaid. 

    As a matter of fact, don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party until 6-9 months before the wedding.  Relationships change all the time regardless of how close you are now.  It's sad but true and there are a lot of people who post on here with problems that are almost entirely due to asking too early.  Once you ask, you really can't kick someone out without ruining a friendship.  People take these things very, very seriously. 
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  • I wasn't planning to broach the subject with any of my potential maids for a while yet, but as a congratulations on my engagement this girl says "don't make me wear an ugly dress."

    Is it just me or is that really rude? Not only to assume you are a bridesmaid, but also to say that!

    I am going to try and avoid it and tell her I haven't thought about the bridal party yet, but she is a pest and I know she will haunt me and tell mutual friends that she is in the party so I may have to shut her down sooner than later. I just wish I could avoid the drama completely so I can enjoy just being engaged for a while. I do feel bad though and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. :(
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2012
    It was very rude of her to assume that she is going to be a bridesmaid. She is probably clueless.

    A good, polite, honest answer would have been 'of course not, as a guest you may wear whatever you like.' I know it's easier to think of answers when you are not under the gun. Try  to have a few lines ready in anticipation.

                       
  • As others have pointed out, she is definitely the one in the wrong here.  As long as you have a clear message about how you're not picking until much closer to the wedding, her telling people she is in the wedding isn't going to matter.  When your actual choices are made, she is the one that is going to look silly, not you.  
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  • Ditto PPs; except on the Jan/Feb thing - if your wedding is in June I'd think you'd need to be looking for dresses with the girls by December, asking anytime in Q4 would be good.

    In the meantime, if she keeps making comments about being a BM you need to address it, if you just let her keep talking she'll probably feel like you led her on when you do finally get the message across.  Saying  "oh we haven't really thought about the BP yet" might still not get the message across, but at least you're not confirming her statements with your silence.
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