ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative

Kmarqu031

My mom and I  have always been really close, espcially after my dad passed away when I was 14, however lately we have really been drifting apart.

Heres some of the things that have been happening:

First of all, I bought my mom a $300 dress for our wedding in Jamaica, which was a plum color, and had matching shoes. Very classy. She was so excited the day I bought it however that all changed the next day. The next day she called me up and mentioned her fiance hated it, and that she will not wear it. I told her I loved it on her, and I think she should still wear it. A few days passed, and the day I was going to pick out my dress she came over to my place and started saying how she is going to buy a white dress for herself for my wedding. I disagreed, and she threw a huge fit. I told her I disagree and only the bride should wear white. A few days has passed, and she still continues on about how she is GOING to wear white, because its cooler, and she doesnt think she should have to wear what I want her to, and she shouldnt have to dress up that much because it is only jamaica.

What do I do? I cannot have her wear white, and I feel like she thinks my wedding isnt very important, because she made the comment that she shouldnt have to dress up that much because its only jamaica.

My mom does not have a wedding date yet, however she is planning on getting married before March (which is only 2 1/2 months away!) She now says she is going to celebrate her honeymoon in Jamaica because its convenient! Jason and I are getting married March 25th, however everyone who is coming is flying down March 22nd, and staying until March 26th. She says during that time she is going to celebrate it. Jason and I are staying until April 2nd. I still think its wrong.

Am I being selfish? I believe you only get married once, and feel like this should be MY time.



Advice needed.

tldh

Wow.  Do you have an aunt or a friend of your mom who can step in and talk some sense into her?

jemmini6

Your mom is wrong to insist on wearing white, but that's the extent of what she's wrong about.

It was nice of you to buy her a dress, but she is correct that she doesn't have to wear what you want her to.  She's an adult and not part of the WP, therefore she can dress herself (even if she does show up in white, she's going to be the one that looks like a jackass, not you).  I would tell her that you would be happy to return the dress you purchased for her because it's important to you that she's comfortable, but also stress that it's important to you that she not wear white and suggest some other equally 'cooler' colors like pastels or something.

As for her celebrating her HM at your DW, you are being a little selfish about that.  She is already spending a good deal of money to go to Jamaica, your wedding is only one day, so why can't she enjoy the rest of her trip with her new husband and treat it as their HM.  You don't get to dictate what everyone else does during their free time there.  I obviously don't know your mother's financial situation, but regardless, why not celebrate your recent marriage while you are already in a beautiful, romantic location?

Kmarqu031

My mom doesnt really have any close girlsfriends anymore, and unfortunately i bought the dress from a bridal store and its non-returnable

em01092

I'd be annoyed too, but... I don't know what you can really do about any of this without making things worse with her. I agree that she is being kind of inconsiderate about the dress situations, but I don't think it's any big deal for her to celebrate in Jamacia. 

Remember, your wedding is one day, where as your relationship with your mother will last your lifetimes. What is more important? Just trying to give you some perspective. 

Kmarqu031

Actually the wedding is only in 2 1/2 months. And were staying at Sandals Royal Carribean, which is VERY small; therefore we would see eachother so itd be very annoying. And the point is is she LOVED the dress trying it on etc, so I BOUGHT It, and now she has changed her mind

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-needed-mom-uncooperative?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4df3044c-e49a-41da-88dd-29e7f3737d91Post:781a6a15-c630-4928-a761-ee2d84b90fe9">Re: ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Actually the wedding is only in 2 1/2 months. And were staying at Sandals Royal Carribean, which is VERY small; therefore we would see eachother so itd be very annoying. And the point is is she LOVED the dress trying it on etc, so I BOUGHT It, and now she has changed her mind</strong>
Posted by Kmarqu031[/QUOTE]

<div>A friend of mine just went on her HM, a cruise, with her entire family. They did maybe 2 things together the whole week. Just tell your mom you'd like to spend most of the time doing your own thing, but maybe meet up for lunch or something. I'm sure she'll want time by herself/with her H too, you know? I doubt she will want to follow you everywhere. </div><div>
</div><div>I get that it's frustrating about the dress you bought, I really do, but what can you say about it at this point? You could demand that she reimburse you, which personally I feel like she should have at least offered to do this, but then again you didn't have to buy the dress for her either. You could tell her she hurt your feelings by loving the dress one day and then hating it the next, then not seeming to care that you bought it and it's not returnable...but I don't know if that would go over any better. </div>

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] And were staying at Sandals Royal Carribean, which is VERY small; therefore we would see eachother so itd be very annoying. And the point is is she LOVED the dress trying it on etc, so I BOUGHT It, and now she has changed her mind
Posted by Kmarqu031[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1.  Your mother can buy her own clothing.</div><div>
</div><div>2.  You chose a destination wedding.  Either deal with it, or plan something local that will be easier for her to attend.  When you ask guests to spend hundreds, or even thousands of dollars to attend your wedding, you don't get to complain when they make the trip multi-purpose.

</div>

joyfulhappy1

I agree with you your mom is being unreasonable and uncooperative and childish, please don't copy her behavior. I like the idea someone suggested about giving her the dress as a gift and telling her that you would like her to wear something other than white, but its her choice and you will respect her choice.  As far as her being in Jamaica on your honeymoon I hope you can see this as an opportunity to make some good memories with your mom and your new husband in Jamaica instead of her encroaching on your space.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-needed-mom-uncooperative?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4df3044c-e49a-41da-88dd-29e7f3737d91Post:609bccc6-2cfc-4e0d-809a-66b760e025f2">Re: ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative</a>:
[QUOTE]What Emo and Raptor said.  I totally agree.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

This....

bandjwedding2012

I get what your saying. It's annoying that your mom loved the dress, so you bought it and then the next day she hates it. It sounds like she probably really did like the dress but the fiance said something to her to make her change her mind. It's annoying. I'm not sure I'd probably give it to her as a gift like people said or sale it or something.
   I also understand your not wanting to be honeymooning where your mother is also honeymooning. It is expensive though to go to a destination wedding and maybe you won't see each other as much as you think. If you do there is nothing that says you have to go hang out with her or that she has to do the same.
  I'd try talking to her though about how your hurt that you bought the dress she liked as a gift and now doesn't want to wear, and that you think she shouldn't wear white or ivory. Maybe she doesn't realize she's hurt your feelings.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-needed-mom-uncooperative?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4df3044c-e49a-41da-88dd-29e7f3737d91Post:94790fc5-a590-4063-ae09-934f4ce0cc63">ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom and I  have always been really close, espcially after my dad passed away when I was 14, however lately we have really been drifting apart. Heres some of the things that have been happening: First of all, I bought my mom a $300 dress for our wedding in Jamaica, which was a plum color, and had matching shoes. Very classy. She was so excited the day I bought it however that all changed the next day. The next day she called me up and mentioned her fiance hated it, and that she will not wear it. I told her I loved it on her, and I think she should still wear it. A few days passed, and the day I was going to pick out my dress she came over to my place and started saying how she is going to buy a white dress for herself for my wedding. I disagreed, and she threw a huge fit. I told her I disagree and only the bride should wear white. A few days has passed, and she still continues on about how she is GOING to wear white, because its cooler, and she doesnt think she should have to wear what I want her to, and she shouldnt have to dress up that much because it is only jamaica. What do I do? I cannot have her wear white, and I feel like she thinks my wedding isnt very important, because she made the comment that she shouldnt have to dress up that much because its only jamaica. My mom does not have a wedding date yet, however she is planning on getting married before March (which is only 2 1/2 months away!) She now says she is going to celebrate her honeymoon in Jamaica because its convenient! Jason and I are getting married March 25th, however everyone who is coming is flying down March 22nd, and staying until March 26th. She says during that time she is going to celebrate it. Jason and I are staying until April 2nd. I still think its wrong. Am I being selfish? I believe you only get married once, and feel like this should be MY time. :( Advice needed.
Posted by Kmarqu031[/QUOTE]

On wearing white she's wrong, but you shouldn't have bought her a dress without her input.

graysquirrel

Does your mother know that white is reserved for the bride and that it is considered a faux pas for her to wear it? Is she ok with being side-eyed and hurting your feelings? I would let her know those things-- she sounds really immature and if she told you that she wanted the first dress, she should take it or at least give you the money for it.

As for the trip-- DWs are expensive and many people are going to want to stay a while. A hotel is open to anyone, even if it may be not so pleasant to see her there.

kaitlyn&henry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-needed-mom-uncooperative?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4df3044c-e49a-41da-88dd-29e7f3737d91Post:4ede43c1-aa0e-4fbf-88e1-f17d54b46cc9">Re: ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to ADVICE NEEDED! Mom is uncooperative : On wearing white she's wrong, but you shouldn't have bought her a dress without her input.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
She did have her input...she loved it but then changed her mind. Which unfortunately happens op :( and its ok for them to change their minds. It is annoying, especially since you paid $300 for it. The mob can choose to wear whatever she wants. She will be the one that looks tacky and rude for wearing white to your wedding...believe me it wont take anything away from you because on that day youre the bride...everyone will be looking at you :)

theelusive1

I am wondering how you and her fi get along? Does he often tell your mother what to do and wear? If my daughter says this is what looks good on you and in a great color and wanted to buy it for me. I would say go for it.
Maybe your mom is feeling a little jealous?

Let her wear what she wants,  if people make comments that is on her not on you.

As for the HM.  It would not bother me at all.  As long as your not in the same room. There are plenty of activities that you can find to do.  If your mom says oh we are doing x tomorrow then you plan to do Y and do X on the following day.  I know a lot of people who have DW and the crowd just stays together and does activities.  Of course not sharing a room.