Mom Troubles. HELP!!!

jhedge

Okay girls, I am having quite a hard time. Okay so the past few months I have been planning my wedding with some help from my fiancee and no one else. Today, my mother freaked out on me because she said she doens't look forward to the wedding and that she hates my fiancee and she doesn't get to help out, but whenever I go to do something, she never speaks up about wanting to go. Like when I went to find my dress, she  showed no interest in going and instead  of asking or showing any interest, she just ignored me. So I had to go with my MOH.  She was even angry at the fact that instead of picking my sister as a bridesmaid, which wasn't going to happen, she was mad that i picked on of my newer friends. Can't I choose whoever I want? She is making things miserable for us and we don't know what to do! She totally hates my FMIL and thinks that she plots against her. Help!! I don't know what to do!!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4e2b2e77-0da2-486a-88bf-4278f7e4ed21Post:d61cb919-4f8d-4d67-99f4-0053fe6a47d5">Mom Troubles. HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay girls, I am having quite a hard time. Okay so the past few months I have been planning my wedding with some help from my fiancee and no one else. Today, my mother freaked out on me because she said she doens't look forward to the wedding and that she hates my fiancee and she doesn't get to help out, but whenever I go to do something, she never speaks up about wanting to go. Like when I went to find my dress, she  showed no interest in going and instead  of asking or showing any interest, she just ignored me. So I had to go with my MOH.  She was even angry at the fact that instead of picking my sister as a bridesmaid, which wasn't going to happen, she was mad that i picked on of my newer friends. Can't I choose whoever I want? She is making things miserable for us and we don't know what to do! She totally hates my FMIL and thinks that she plots against her. Help!! I don't know what to do!!
Posted by jhedge[/QUOTE]

I'm confused. Did you invite her to go dress shopping with you?

jhedge

She had something else to do, which she really didn't. I think she was more depressed about the actual wedding and didn't want to give support

zitiqueen

Okay, so did you invite her or didn't you?

jhedge

Yes she was invited and I'm paying for the wedding

RaptorSLH

I'm sorry that you're having such problems.  What is your relationship with your mom normally like?   So much here depends on the history.

If you normally get along, and she liked FI in the past, this might be a case of the wedding induced crazies, and worth trying to talk out when she's calmer.  If she is usually manipulative, this is likely more of the same, and you should draw a line as to the behavior you will tolerate, towards both you and your FI.

jhedge

Thanks RaptorSLH. She has always been sort of manipulative. If she doesn't get her way she cries ans doesn't speak to the person until she gets her way. She also is very old fashioned and thinks women should let men take care of them and be the bread winners. Sorry but I really want to be a bread winner too. Not that there is anything wrong with being a housewife, it's just not my cup of tea.

RaptorSLH

Then this is rough, but you're going to have to stand firm.  Cave in and cater to her drama now, and you will be setting a pattern that says you and your FI will be subject to this throughout your marriage.  She won't change until she has to.

My inclination would be to maintain contact, and rebut her once when she goes off.  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but he is the partner I have chosen to go through life with, and you will have to treat him with respect."  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I did invite you."  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the wedding party I have chosen."   If she continues to harp on it, refuse to cooperate.  Change the subject, leave the room, hang up the phone.  Do not reward her with your time or energy unless she can converse like a civlized adult.

Good luck, and a strong will to you.  I hope this works out.

lenergyrlah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4e2b2e77-0da2-486a-88bf-4278f7e4ed21Post:eac7dcff-35f2-46f9-ade0-b474b541370d">Re: Mom Troubles. HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Then this is rough, but you're going to have to stand firm.  Cave in and cater to her drama now, and you will be setting a pattern that says you and your FI will be subject to this throughout your marriage.  She won't change until she has to. My inclination would be to maintain contact, and rebut her once when she goes off.  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but he is the partner I have chosen to go through life with, and you will have to treat him with respect."  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I did invite you."  "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the wedding party I have chosen."   If she continues to harp on it, refuse to cooperate.  Change the subject, leave the room, hang up the phone.  Do not reward her with your time or energy unless she can converse like a civlized adult. Good luck, and a strong will to you.  I hope this works out.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree.  And I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  My parents are the same way (about the wedding and everything else) so by this point I just ignore them.  Good luck!</div>