Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid Back Out

So my best friend of 21 years who currently lives in Alaska (I am in RI), told me Monday (7 weeks prior to my wedding) that she cannot afford to come down for my wedding. Besides being extremely upset and angry beyond belief, not to mention really screwing me over in getting another dress for another girl in time (impossible), she tells me she might be getting a raise and might be able to make it down for the wedding yesterday and is she still invited?

I told her Monday I can't wait on a maybe bridemaid, it is too close so she was OK with me finding someone else as an attendant but am I wrong for being upset and not wanting her to attend my wedding peroid? She upset me, is adding stress to an already stressful time, and has had a year and a half to save for this?

What do you think, should I tell her she is completely uninvited or am I breaking some cardinal bridal sin (fyi my groom does not want her there either).

Re: Bridesmaid Back Out

  • edited December 2011
    Is this the hill that you are willing to have your friendship die on?  You can't replace her at this late date.  Besides the dress issue, it will make her replacement feel like she was on the back-up list.  If she may be able to come, and has the dress, I'd be inclined to include her if you can.

    The thing is that a "real" friend would understand that life is completely ridiculous and you NEVER know what is around any corner.  My best friend is my best friend.  I would be saying to her...if you can get here with the dress on...I want you with me.  No questions asked.

    But that's just me.....
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Why oh why would you need to replace her?  None of your guests would know that you were suppose to have X number of girls and now you only have Y number of girls.

    Sometimes life changes and things can happen that can prevent people from doing things they really want to do.  She may have had a year and a half to save up but maybe she needed that money to LIVE!

    I agree with PP.  If she is truly your friend tell her that if she can make it then you would love to have her in your wedding, if not then she will be sorely missed but you will make sure to send lots of pics.

  • edited December 2011
    Same happened to me, but I didn't replace her. I wouldn't stress out about it, so what if it's uneven? Is it going to keep you from marrying your FI? NOPE, get over your anger towards her, and save the friendship. It's so much more important than that :)
  • edited December 2011
    Well I am hurt that this is something she has known about since April and has not been forthcoming with me about it. She waits until 7weeks prior to the wedding to tell me. Her possibley coming now is a big fat MAYBE. As for finding another bridesmaid, I do not want it to be uneven so I do want to replace her.

    I am lucky my fiance has my back and he is equally upset with her. I know you do not believe it is enough to destroy a friendship but what she did do was wrong and it is hurtful to me. I have every right to be upset.
  • edited December 2011
    Also on a side note there is more to the story (she had air miles but used them so her family could meet her new boyfriend that she had been dating less than 6 months in November) and  as for living, she has a very well paying job. I know I would have been socking money away the minute she told me she was getting married so I could be there.

    In our friendship she has often made a number of selfish moves which I have been able to forgive her for but this one takes the cake.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You should tell your best friend of 21 years that if she can afford to go to your wedding, you will be happy to have her stand up for you, that there is no way that you could ever think of replacing her. Tell her if she can't make it to your wedding, you understand and you are sorry that she is having a rough time, right now. You never know when your next financial crisis might be around the corner.

    There's no need to find a replacement. Uneven sides will be ok. Have one of the gms escort the MOB, MOG, or grandmother down the aisle. Or have one bm walk with two gms. This will not affect the validity of your marriage.

    Good luck.
                       
  • edited December 2011

    I wouldn't say you're breaking "some cardinal bridal sin", I'd say you're breaking a rule of friendship.  You say this girl is your best friend of 21 years, yet you don't even want her at your wedding now.  It doesn't sound like you're being a true friend.  I understand why you would be upset if she couldn't make it, but why "angry beyond belief"?  That sounds a bit dramatic.  You should not replace her or even attempt to.  This "best friend" has the dress and can hopefully still make it to your wedding...what is the problem?
    And, as for your side note, you have no right to judge her relationship with her boyfriend. 
    If this is the way you want to end your 21-year-long friendship, that's up to you.  I hope you realize how selfish you are being before that happens, though.

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  • edited December 2011
    Is she my best friend at this point in my life, no. Before she moved away to Alaska we were already drifting apart (almost 6 years ago). We are not the same people we once were and have different sets of beliefs and values when we used to share those.

    As for being selfish, she has always put every guy she is with before me in her life since we were 16 and I have felt the spurn of her selfishness. I have always been forgiving and 100% of the time is the person apologizing for any fight we have been in even when it was mostly her in the wrong. My family does not like her for the things she has done to me in the past and situations she has put me in and was unhappy I asked her to be in my wedding. I did it more so because we have been friends for so long and we do have happy memories together. Don't call me selfish without any background on our relationship. I do not want to end the friendship but at the same time if she were my best friend she wouldn't be backing out of this commitment either.
  • edited December 2011
    It sounds like maybe you wanted/hoped that your wedding would bring you two close again.  It also sounds like you expected her to change for your wedding.  Unfortunately it doesn't usually work like that.  With the way you just described her/the friendship, you shouldn't be surprised that she is backing out and putting her interests above your own.  It's sad when we realize people have changed and moved on, but it's life. 

    My suggestion for you is to let it go.  If she can make it, good.  If not, fine.  Don't stress yourself over it...don't worry about the sides being even and trying to find a replacement.  Remember, your wedding day is about you and your soon-to-be husband starting a life together.
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  • Bride2687Bride2687 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You initially claimed that this girl has been your best friend for 21 years and now all of the sudden the two of you began drifting apart 6 years ago.  I think it is completly ridicuous to replace her since she may not be able to make it to your wedding.  A true friend would say, if can be there great, but if not I understand, and then just leave it at that.  But since you don't want uneven sides (Which is so childish and dumb), you are already replacing her in your WP and you have have spent an awful amount of time defending your's and your FI's opinon that she doesn't deserve to be at your wedding.  So there is your decision, she can't come to the wedding anymore even if she can make.  Which, again, is completely ridiculous.  I can understand that maybe you expected that she would be saving, or she has already told you that she is saving $$$ so that she can come to the wedding, but life happens and maybe she needed to use that moey for something else.    But it seems quite obvious to me that all you care about is that fact that she upset you and it just seems like a petty way to get back at her by telling her that you are replacing her as a BM and now that she can't come to your wedding. 


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  • 8daysaweek8daysaweek member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    So you haven't really been friends for several years, she is always selfish and never considerate of you and your feelings - why did you ask her to be in your wedding party? Why did you expect her to act differently now? That's an awful lot of backpedaling and I don't buy it.

    Your wedding party consists of your closest friends and family. They are not props. You do not replace people. It's rude and hurtful to 1) the friend being replaced who will feell that you see her as nothing more than a place filler 2) the friend doing the replacing who will know they were second choice and 3) all the other friends in your wedding party who will wonder if they too are replacable.

    Perhaps your friend was hoping to be able to afford the trip and that's why she didn't tell you earlier. And it's none of your business that she used her air miles to bring her boyfriend to visit in November. That is completely reasonable and she lives hundreds of miles from her family - can you really blame her for wanting to visit them?

    You're being petty. Your friend is obviously still trying to make things work to make sure she is there but you want to teach her a lesson and punish her for not being able to afford a costly trip for your wedding. That's unfortunate.


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  • blush64blush64 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-back-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4fbe39d7-cb10-41f6-8780-f6eb7e77bd90Post:174aec31-83b1-4c53-bcd4-3d5ebe83a1a1">Bridesmaid Back Out</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my best friend of 21 years who currently lives in Alaska (I am in RI), told me Monday (7 weeks prior to my wedding) that she cannot afford to come down for my wedding. Besides being extremely upset and angry beyond belief, not to mention really screwing me over in getting another dress for another girl in time (impossible), she tells me she might be getting a raise and might be able to make it down for the wedding yesterday and is she still invited? I told her Monday I can't wait on a maybe bridemaid, it is too close so she was OK with me finding someone else as an attendant but am I wrong for being upset and not wanting her to attend my wedding peroid? She upset me, is adding stress to an already stressful time, and has had a year and a half to save for this? What do you think, should I tell her she is completely uninvited or am I breaking some cardinal bridal sin (fyi my groom does not want her there either).
    Posted by xpartofitx[/QUOTE]

    I think you are being a really bad friend.  You have no right to decide she had long enough to save. You sound self-centered. I don't know you so maybe not, but I am sure she didn't do this just to mess with your head and create stress. 

    EDITED I state the above based on your original post.  Adding that she is actually a horrible person seems like trying to justify dumping her as a friend. If all that stuff about her is true, why did you ask her in the first place? And why not include it in your original post so we wouldn't think you were dumping her for not being able to afford your wedding.

    Also, you don't know what she has had to spend money on. She may have bills you don't know about and that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about.  AS for waiting so long, maybe she had an idea of how you would react.
  • flower_divaflower_diva member
    Tenth Anniversary 100 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    put your big girl panties on and get over it. perhaps she didn't tell you earlieryou she may not be able to be in the wedding because she knew you would react just as you have.....
  • saric83saric83 member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Doe it suck that she might not be there?  Definitely! 
    Do you wish it could have gone differently?  Definitely! 
    Will you and your FI end up looking like the immature jerks (not her) if you BAN her from your wedding even though she was already invited?  Definitely! 
    Are you going to make someone else feel like complete crap to be your ridiculous last-minute back up that is only being added, so you can have an even number?  Definitely!
    Will you still be married at the end of the day, regardless of how this plays out?  Definitely!

    The situation sucks, and there's no getting around it.  All you can do now is take a deep breath, chill out and minimize the issue by not replacing her, allow her to still attend if she's able and enjoy the heck out of your wedding!  : )
  • monkeysipmonkeysip member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    What always seems to happen with these problem-Bridesmaid issues is that a bride chooses someone who they say they've had a lot of problems with in the past, and then something the girl does during the wedding planning is the so-called "final straw".

    Look, either you DON'T CHOOSE  a girl because of mistakes in the past... or you FORGET ABOUT THE PAST and choose her anyway... and KEEP her.

    You can't have it both ways.  You can't say, "I'm going to forget about the past and choose you, unless you do something else, THEN I'm going to bring up all your past mistakes and end our friendship."



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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm going off the original post, not the follow ups because I feel the follow ups are just trying to justify the hurt feelings.

    Can you be hurt over this situation?  Of course.
    Can you be frustrated and sad?  Absolutely.

    But, I think you need to take a deep breath and realize that you don't have all the pieces.  Maybe she really had been trying to save to be there and, when the finish line finally came, she just couldn't come up with the money.  It happens.  Maybe she's a little embarrassed.  Alaska to Rhode Island isn't right around the corner and finances can change quickly.  I know you say she has a good job, but you can't possibly know the ins and outs of her bank account.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.

    Don't replace her.  By replacing her, you are saying that symmetry in wedding pictures is more important than friend feelings.  Think about it.  No one will remember if you have an even number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but Sally will always remember that she was a second best bridesmaid who was only asked because another first choice had dropped out.  Don't do that to be people - it's cruel.

    It's up to you if you still want MOH in the wedding. although my choice would be "if she shows up, she's in the wedding."  However, her invitation to the wedding should never be in doubt.
  • edited December 2011
    No matter what happens, you should NOT replace her. This makes her feel replaceable and it makes the replacement feel like second string or you would've asked her to begin with. It will also make your other BM's feel like they are simply place holders who could easily be replaced if need be. NOT GOOD on all accounts.

    She should definitely still be invited AND a BM if she can make it. If not, you have one less BM and you are still married at the end of the day.


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  • eoreaeorea member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I understand why you are upset but it is a little dramatic to me. I am new to the knot but so far I have noticed something. A lot people saying "I know they can afford to come my wedding." "I know can they can afford the dress/tux." The truth is you don't know. A well paying job doesn't mean anything if you are in debt and are having problems with major bills. Unless she is extremely wealthy or you have seen her bank accounts you really don't know. 

    Also, if she was no longer your best friend why even ask her to be MOH? If the friendship is that bad why even stay friends with her?

    I don't think are meaning to be a bad friend but you really sound like one right now. I am in no way trying to be mean. That is just how it sounds. 
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  • eoreaeorea member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Off topic but Joy that is a beautiful picture. 

    Like I said, I am new and all you ladies have such gorgeous wedding/engagement pictures. I hope my pictures look that good! 
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Personally id be pissed too. most girls would say we bridezillas but if i plan something over a long period of time and then that person just pops up and says they cant make it...id have a fit too unless it was like an emergency or death in the family, but she should have been saved up. Id still let her come but a bm position is out of the question. its too much to worry about if shes gonna make it or not to walk down the aisle for me. either way enjoy your day and discuss it when things are not so hectic.
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